TooPatient Posted October 10, 2013 Posted October 10, 2013 We've been dating for about 5 months now. She just went to Cali for a conference on self-empowerment, so we haven't seen each other for a week and a half. She brought up love for the first time right before she left. So things have gone pretty smooth. She comes back and is talking about some things she learned that can challenge us and bring us closer or further apart... I've tried to get more info, but she's making me wait until the weekend so we can discuss it in person. I think it's ****ty to bring up something that big and make me wait and think about what it might be all week. Despite how close we seem when together, I get the feeling like she could move on no problem without me. She's a bit scatter-brained, but very successful business woman. She makes 3 times as much as me, but specifically said it's not an issue. I'm looking for a new job so we can live closer together, b/c currently she lives 45 minutes away in the city. In addition to the "challenge," last night she was saying she wants to know me deeper and for me to know her deeper. That's all good. I'm just frustrated b/c I was excited for her to come back and to see her...and now I'm just kind of feeling like maybe I need to pull back. If things were going so smooth and then one trip to a conference has given her questions about us, I'm just not down for dating someone with fickle emotions. But I don't even know what she's actually talking about yet...so I'm left with my thoughts and guesses. I couldn't finish my paperwork after we got off the phone last night. Mind you, we're not fighting and we're getting along fine, it's just this "challenge" she's talked about and she comes off like if it pushes us apart, it pushes us apart, no biggie. I did send her an e-mail this morning with some of my concerns and we'll obviously be talking a lot this weekend when together. I just had to vent. I care about this girl a lot and have put in a lot of effort to make this work. She likes me a lot too, but I've said in posts here before that sometimes I feel like a boy-toy for her. Like physically she's all about it, but emotionally maybe it's just not there. Idk...
tricolors Posted October 10, 2013 Posted October 10, 2013 "conference on self-empowerment" I find that string of words highly annoying. 1
deathandtaxes Posted October 10, 2013 Posted October 10, 2013 You are coming off as extremely insecure. Why not just wait for the weekend to come around and see what she has planned? She said she wants to know you on a deeper level. That's good man! You're so making a mountain out of a molehill. 2
Atem Posted October 10, 2013 Posted October 10, 2013 "conference on self-empowerment" I find that string of words highly annoying. I'd agree with this. What's the point of this conference if she's so successful? Unless she went there because it is her business to make $$ off of silly suckers who think they need "self-help seminars" and dumb **** like that, I'd be a bit cautious before going in head over heels for her. Chill out, let this weekend roll around and hear her out. Depending on what she says, she may be a keeper or jsut ****ing nuts in which case you should run for the hills... Based on personal experiences, people who think they need "self-help" are usually a bit nutty - in one way or another... 1
Maxtor Posted October 10, 2013 Posted October 10, 2013 I bet she "learned" something that gives her power over anything! Even over you and she is now testing it. I find it disturbing. 2
tricolors Posted October 10, 2013 Posted October 10, 2013 I'd agree with this. What's the point of this conference if she's so successful? Unless she went there because it is her business to make $$ off of silly suckers who think they need "self-help seminars" and dumb **** like that, I'd be a bit cautious before going in head over heels for her. Chill out, let this weekend roll around and hear her out. Depending on what she says, she may be a keeper or jsut ****ing nuts in which case you should run for the hills... Based on personal experiences, people who think they need "self-help" are usually a bit nutty - in one way or another... Precisely what I was thinking put into words. I've always thought of people who go to things like that a bit flighty and "out there."
jimloveslips Posted October 10, 2013 Posted October 10, 2013 >obviously be talking a lot this weekend when together Dude I think you need to relax a little... live up to your name! Wait for the weekend - texting and emailing can come across completely different than the spoken word. Frankly she sounds like an exciting chick, I'd be looking forward to the challenge...
soccerrprp Posted October 10, 2013 Posted October 10, 2013 ...a conference on self-empowerment, so we haven't seen each other for a week and a half. She brought up love for the first time right before she left. So things have gone pretty smooth...Idk... TooPatient, Remain patient until the weekend. It's sounds a tad bit "eh", but you did say that she talked about love before she left. As far as this self-empowerment conference, well, she is a business-owner, right? Why is it so odd that she would attend such an event? She's probably attended similar events in the past and may explain her success. But, it is a little eyebrow-raising that she would preface the impending discussion by suggesting that the relationship hinges on this challenge and leave you stewing over it. In the end, you need to remain calm and not begin to seem insecure and begin to show signs of fraying at the edges. She's a woman used to dictating and controlling and that may not look good to her. 1
salparadise Posted October 10, 2013 Posted October 10, 2013 I think you should tell her that it's not fair and she needs to tell you what she's thinking. You have the option to not buy into whatever drama she has in mind. When you get together let her do the talking, listen but don't respond. When she asks why you're not participating just tell her that you'll let her know if you decide to play the game but for the moment you're not much into changing things up just for the heck of it. 1
jimloveslips Posted October 10, 2013 Posted October 10, 2013 I think you should tell her that it's not fair I disagree. Plus pouting is very emasculating. I don't why everyone's down on the "challenge" She's got me excited... 1
TheGuard13 Posted October 10, 2013 Posted October 10, 2013 If I understand this correctly...she's making you jump through emotional hoops of some kind? I don't understand the issue, exactly...sending her a list of your concerns was probably the wrong move. 1
todreaminblue Posted October 10, 2013 Posted October 10, 2013 i have a problem when it comes to having self in front of a word.......to me society is promoting self....ishness......when the only word that to me is uplifting is self......less........but that is only a "self" opinion .......deb 1
Author TooPatient Posted October 10, 2013 Author Posted October 10, 2013 (edited) Wow, thanks everyone!! Lots of varying replies, which is exactly how I'm feeling about this... She loves going to these conferences. She paid like 10k for a 3 part seminar on Tony Robbins' program...this was the 3rd and final part. I really have no issue with her attending these, but when they put thoughts into her head...then I have a problem. Personally I think it's a big waste of money, even if it doesn't dent her bank account. She is a bit...eccentric. It's really what attracts me to her tho, she loves to learn and experience new things. I guess my name is just not accurate. I'm usually pretty patient, but when something is brought up like this and I have to wait all week, it does drive me a bit nuts. Twice this week she's said something along the lines of "They challenged my thoughts on us and I have a challenge for us that will either bring us together or push us apart." I ask for some more detail, she says she'll tell me about it this weekend. I totally failed at being patient with this. I really tried not to send her the e-mail. I wrote it out last night, then slept on it, woke up feeling more calm but still felt I needed to write something. No response yet, but we talk every night so we'll talk a lil about things tonight and hopefully she can at least put my mind to ease by giving me some details. I likely did come off as insecure in the e-mail, I'll take that "L." I've been super stressed at work this week and just looked forward to seeing her again and relaxing this weekend, but not so much now. Seriously, I feel like I'm on my period. Edit: Also, I've put in so much effort to make this work, if she's wanting much more I'm going to cut my losses...despite my feelings for her. She can be kinda selfish b/c she's never had to struggle, whereas I'm more blue collar and grew up in a blue collar family. Edited October 10, 2013 by TooPatient
Author TooPatient Posted October 11, 2013 Author Posted October 11, 2013 K, it's past 10:30 and I haven't heard a peep from her. We don't constantly keep in touch throughout the day, but it's pretty rare to not have even a text by now. It's possible that she hasn't checked her e-mail, but she probably has and that's contributing to why I haven't heard from her. Just wondering what others think. Should I contact her if I don't hear from her by the time I go to bed? Should I lay back since my e-mail may have come off as a bit insecure? I'm not even mad at her, just frustrated/confused... I communicated that clearly. I don't think there's anything in my e-mail that would make her mad. This may turn into our first disagreement...and if it leads to a break up then obviously it wasn't meant to be. That would be a hell of a 180, but stranger things have happened.
kassy Posted October 11, 2013 Posted October 11, 2013 Just leave it. Ball is in her court. Sounds like the weekend will be interesting, one way or another. Who knows what she is going to come up with but it might be a lot of fun so why not hope for that... But be prepared for it to be rubbish too haha
Author TooPatient Posted October 11, 2013 Author Posted October 11, 2013 I did. This is the first day since we started dating that we haven't had any contact. I'll contact her tomorrow afternoon when I get a chance, if I haven't already heard from her. Leaving me hanging with the topic and now the e-mail is a major put-off tho.
salparadise Posted October 13, 2013 Posted October 13, 2013 I hope things are working out ok. Looking forward to an update!
Atem Posted October 13, 2013 Posted October 13, 2013 I did. This is the first day since we started dating that we haven't had any contact. I'll contact her tomorrow afternoon when I get a chance, if I haven't already heard from her. Leaving me hanging with the topic and now the e-mail is a major put-off tho. Hm, you're on an emotional rollercoaster. The weekend's over by now, so I don't know what happened, but hopefully you played it cool. While it can be to your benefit to show emotion in some situations (in which it can be interpreted as "passion" - e.g. strongly representing yourself and your superior results + commitment and thereby "claiming" a promotion during an annual review with the boss), in this one, playing it cool is definitely the way to go. Especially given that she obviously strung you along this past week on purpose. GL
spiderowl Posted October 13, 2013 Posted October 13, 2013 I can understand your discomfort. I don't think anyone would enjoy that kind of game. You have a relationship with her, not something that's up for playing with. If she thinks things aren't working out for you both, then she should say, not bring forth challenges. Sounds all too much like 'management speak' to me. Don't we all get enough of that at work? 1
Author TooPatient Posted October 16, 2013 Author Posted October 16, 2013 (edited) Sorry guys, been pretty busy with everything. Right spiderowl?! I'm telling her how stressed I am at work, and it's like she doesn't have any sense of empathy and then adds to the stress. She's really a poor listener...but it wasn't what she intended and I did over-react. She ended up texting me the next day to say I was over-thinking things and we'd talk more when we got together. Said she didn't reply b/c she was wound up too and it wouldn't have helped. I got a lot of relief after venting to my boss at work Friday, it took away a lot of stress b/c I got some understanding from the boss. I think they can sense that I have one foot out the door now, so my ass is being kissed...nice change. I'm rarely the emotional fool I was last week though. I'm usually on the other end of the spectrum, where girls I've dated and cared deeply about wondered if I cared at all, so that's not a good thing either. I'm working on finding that balance. Still just as confused after the weekend tho. Yeah we had a deep discussion and are still getting along fine, but it's the financial issue that is bugging her. So she says something about sex, religion and finances being brought up in Cali as major reasons for failed marriages/relationships. (I personally would put communication in there...and religion seems like something that should be addressed early in dating..) I learned that she's richer than I thought...like, wants to purchase a private jet within the next 3 years rich. She said that she doesn't feel secure financially with me. That if she were unable to work, I wouldn't be able to support us. Sure, I wouldn't be able to keep up anything near the lifestyle she's been living, but we wouldn't be on the damn streets or anything. The idea of middle-class living is just not an option to her. She wants to travel the world with her man, obviously without having to foot the bill. I'm a social worker, she had to know early on that social workers aren't ballers. I think that I was just one of her dates initially and I grew on her. Now she's torn. I feel like a whole different species from her financially. It's literally the only bad thing to say about this relationship now...but it's obviously a barrier for her. Part of me wanted to say "F off you shallow B!" Tho she does seemingly just want me to do more for myself, she doesn't need my money. She wants to learn and keep bettering herself and she wants the same for me. I've admittedly been stagnant career-wise for the past 5 years since I earned my master degree. It's weird to be dating her during this time when I'm looking at a career/job change. I'm going to be making more money sometime soon, but nothing in the vicinity that she is...and she doesn't expect that. She actually has suggested funneling me clients for counseling. I met the family of one of her clients this past weekend and they wanted me to help the daughter with some issues. These Chinese people out there have so much money to throw around, but I'd have to do some more research to see if it's really feasible. Plus I've only had 5 months of real quality exposure to the Chinese culture. So yeah I'm still torn. I believe that she can help me become a better, more successful man....but the not "accepting me as I am" thing bugs me for sure. She has an answer for everything. When discussing the heart I have and how much I care about my work and my clients, she pointed out that with more money and my own business, I can help far more people than just the caseload I have now. And of course, I do have strong feelings for her...so there's that... Crap. Feedback? Edited October 16, 2013 by TooPatient
Author TooPatient Posted October 16, 2013 Author Posted October 16, 2013 Was just thinking, I have no idea what the "challenge" even was. Unless it was a challenge for me to make more money? I had to put off seeing her last night for work, might do the same tonight but more because I'd like more time to think and bounce thoughts off others before I make any decisions.
acrosstheuniverse Posted October 16, 2013 Posted October 16, 2013 (edited) You guys honestly just don't sound compatible. It's a massive red flag that she just encourages you to earn more money when you talk about how satisfying your work is. You've said it yourself, you think she's acting like a shallow B. And she thinks that she's not going to be able to have something serious with you because she'll be paying for everything all of the time (note: only the extravagant spending she desires... I'm sure if she were happy to just do regular things like dinner and a movie, or live in a nice average house you'd be able to contribute your fair share). She needs to find a guy in her financial sphere if it's that important to her and you need to find a woman who actually appreciates what you do. I'm training to be a social worker myself (half way through my course!) and I can't tell you the respect I have for those of you who are working in that field. You deal every day with terrible situations, heartbreaking circumstances, troubled people, kids that need protecting, clients that don't want to engage, clients that can be violent towards you and you get paid what, a tenth? A hundredth? Of what this chick is making. I'd think I had struck gold if I ended up with a man who had the kind of integrity to do that kind of work and choose him over somebody that was a millionaire in an industry that didn't help disadvantaged groups any day. I'd cut your losses because it sounds like she's already gearing up to do it. Nobody who is truly happy with a blossoming relationship comes back from a single conference suddenly demanding that their partner improve, get higher up the financial ladder, open their own business unless they already had issues. I'm not saying she's a bad person, you're just not compatible. Also, I've been dating a guy for a few months and I'd never put him through the 'I have something potentially relationship-threatening I want to discuss with you BUT NOT FOR A FEW DAYS AND I WON'T TELL YOU WHAT UNTIL THEN' sh*t, that's just manipulative, she knows you'll be dwelling on it, it feels all about control. If you love someone, heck if you even care about them you either bring the issue up there and then or you wait until the day you can have the conversation so that they're not on edge the whole time. Edited October 16, 2013 by acrosstheuniverse 3
salparadise Posted October 16, 2013 Posted October 16, 2013 I learned that she's richer than I thought...like, wants to purchase a private jet within the next 3 years rich. She said that she doesn't feel secure financially with me. That if she were unable to work, I wouldn't be able to support us. Sure, I wouldn't be able to keep up anything near the lifestyle she's been living, but we wouldn't be on the damn streets or anything. The idea of middle-class living is just not an option to her. She wants to travel the world with her man, obviously without having to foot the bill. Oh man, sorry to hear this. I've had occasion to thoroughly contemplate the money imbalance issue in a couple of relationships. It would take an extremely insightful, self-aware and magnanimous woman to have a successful relationship with this kind of financial imbalance. It makes it hard to see things from the same perspective. Money is power in relationships and it's difficult for humans to have power and not be affected by it. The woman I recently had a relationship with made gobs of money. I could live for a year on what she makes in a week or two (sounds like your situations is even more imbalanced). She tried very hard but she just couldn't keep from enjoying the privilege and power of having a huge surplus of money. It bothered me that she couldn't empathize with the have-not's of the world. She tried but it was sympathy at best, not empathy. And then she'd turn around and say she can't afford this or that and I'd feel like calling bull$hit, knowing that she could write a check for $10k and never even miss it. She made donations of that size to organizations when it would buy status, but had a hard time understanding that some people actually miss meals at the end of the month. I feel like I could write a book on it. I wish you the best on your situation, but also caution you about some of the pitfalls not being avoidable no matter how hard both of you try.
soccerrprp Posted October 16, 2013 Posted October 16, 2013 Was just thinking, I have no idea what the "challenge" even was. Unless it was a challenge for me to make more money? I've been where you are now. The so-called "challenge" is likely you motivating yourself to aspire to a higher income level, job. It's funny how some people think it's that easy....just go and get a job that pays 2x or 3x more some would say....well, it doesn't work that way. Anyway, signs are that she is happy to have your company, but never really thought of you as a real LTR option. Once she thought about it, her lifestyle and wants made your presence more of a reality. It doesn't make her shallow or a bad person. I've learned that too. GOod luck, but you should probably move on.
Author TooPatient Posted October 17, 2013 Author Posted October 17, 2013 Thanks, I needed that feedback badly. I realize she's not a bad person, she's just always been privileged, and the cultural differences have an effect on all of this too. I think we tend to sugar-coat things more in our culture. It's going to be rough to tell her to find a doctor, lawyer or wealthy business owner because I'm just not right for her...financially. Or I'll give her a call when I win the lotto. Maybe she hasn't offered to pay for anything b/c she's letting me feel like the man/bread-winner in the relationship. I don't have an ego like that, I'd be fine with being a stay-at-home dad, mr. mom. lol That's not an option obviously. I honestly never even thought about this happening, it's crazy to me that we can have such a good thing and money is the death of it all. It's literally the only area we're not compatible, but a major area. I've never had to end a relationship that was going so well, this is weird...we haven't even come close to having an argument yet. Idk if she'll put up a fight or just accept it. I think that'll tell me a lot too. I ended up cancelling again tonight, told her I'm working late and need a night to myself. (though I haven't seen her since Sunday, so that made little sense...but I will be at the office until after 10p) I'll just talk to her this weekend or have a phone call tomorrow, I'm not going to give the "I need to talk" thing and make her wait till the weekend like she did me. I'd like to talk in person preferably, even if it means a lot of wasted gas traveling 40 mins there and back. I'm not dead-set on breaking it off tbh, but this talk will likely tell me all I need to know, then I can take it from there. The business idea is tempting too, but just the fact that I'm not accepted where I'm currently at is a big turn-off. Good luck with your courses AcrosstheUniverse!! Today I had to sit in a school committee and decide if a child's disability is enough to prevent expulsion or not. It was one of the toughest decisions I've had in 10 years. Saddest thing is, the parents are largely to blame and there's nothing we can do. They're not abusing him or anything, but they're very negative people. It's definitely a rough job that doesn't pay anywhere near what it should...
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