input on how to make it fun

[candie13]

hey, people

 

So here I am, on day 3 of NC. We broke up 2 months ago, really, but my max of NC was 20 days, before getting my ex understood I was getting away and had managed to pull one of his amazing comeback stunts to persuade me to break that.

 

In my experience, the first month, not to say the first few months, are the most difficult. Hell, I'm trying to leave this guy since the last 4 months.

 

This time, I have to make it on the other side. In one piece.

 

So I need loads of ideas as to how to make this fun, instead of watching the calendar, with a jaded expression on my face. Here are some of my resolution acts:

 

- I will start my contemporary ballet dance classes

- I will start seeing my friends a LOT more often - out of the house to do less of that brooding

- I will wear one of those plastic wrist bands and snap it every time I find myself thinking about him

- I am going to the library to buy some fun books, to change my state of mind - suggestions?

- I am sort of thinking ending my Saturday evenings with a few rounds of shots with my friends, but man, I am 33, I cannot act like a 18 years old all over again

- I am thinking of leaving town during the weekends, just to change air and perspective - I am starting tomorrow. Even if I am only out on day trips, beats the hell out staying in here

 

Any other ideas? You can go crazy, I find myself boring and old, I just really wanna get back the control over my thoughts, state of mind, of my life, what the hell !! Like cutting my clothes or something, anything. I feel that I'm acting just like an addict .

 

So, pour in some either ideas or tips and tricks! I will report back religiously. Days 4 to 6 are taken care of - seeing my sister and parents and my lil sister's dog - haven't seen them in 10 months. hurraayyyy for that and for the flight ticket I bought this morning :bunny:!! Goodbye sorrow, hello serenity and fun !!

[thompkevin]

Do something completely out of the ordinary(something that the old you wouldn't normally do) like sky diving, or scuba diving(assuming the old you wouldn't do those normally).

[barky2]

Me myself, I partied. I was finally free after being locked down for 10years I went out with friends,by myself ,didn't matter I was always out

 

I kind of went nuts

 

But on the flip I also traveled...a lot

 

Once I was back from one vaca,I started saving for another one

 

Traveling was huge for me,I completely opened my eyes

 

I recall chitownd did the same thing, bike riding thru Europe or something?

 

Mine wasn't as prestigious but I went to Vegas Miami New Orleans NYC

 

To sum it up, I just instinctively was out partying and meeting new people traveling and just being a 25 year old

 

That's what I tell everyone, being single isn't a bad thing at all

 

I had all the fun I could imagine

 

Granted I spent alottttt of money on having fun

 

But it was Barky time

 

Make your time,yours. In anyway you want,as long as you're having fun

 

 

 

 

Barky

[hurts2death]

for me being single is eventually better , i learned that it aint a woman that is a savior out there and i learned to be happy even only on my own,,

 

and sice i started going for drinks alone i am getting more flirted from women..

 

i mean i also have friends but i dont care that much...the only perosn i care about now is me:)

[im_thedude]

Get out and DRIVE! I live in LA so it's already a driving culture, so not sure how it might work in your neck of the woods. But some if the best therapy for me has been driving around, mostly aimlessly, and discovering new places.

[Beautiful diamond]

You have such a good attitude. This is the key to 90% of NC. Learning to find new hobbies, ways of living, attitudes. But be careful not to overthink the process. It is meant to be long and painful.

 

My experience was that I had to grieve. There was no time limit either. I just had to let go, and realize I can't control everything.

 

Also, please don't punish yourself for not moving on fast enough. You have been through emotional trauma. Just like recovering from an accident or injury everyone's healing process differs.

 

The beginning is the easy part

1) due to being set on proving the ex wrong and,

2) reality not fully setting in

 

It's after the initial shock wears off, that the pain comes rushing. You'll feel lonely, rejected, hurt, angry, bitter, mean, resentful, list goes on forever. But one day it just won't matter. You will laugh at all the mistakes you made and actually be interested in dating again. It's a beautiful process, and should just happen naturally

[candie13]

it was a huge help to come back home, see my parents and sister. Of course I am over-thinking it a bit. The strangest things are the dreams that I am making, during the night. Indeed, letting go is the most difficult part.

 

But... I start to feel that I am making progress, because:

- I don't feel drained anymore. I am getting back the power, which enables me to do more

- I will go to the gym today, which should also help my knee - I start feeling that it gets a bit stiff.

- I am starting my ballet dance classes on Wednesday. i have postponed this since three weeks at least.

- I am seeing my stylist to freshen up my haircut tomorrow

- I will organize a small shopping spree with my friends, this Saturday. I need a new winter / autumn coat.

 

I realize that if I have a few activities around me organized, I'll feel better and in control.

 

Funny, I was thinking... this relationship was supposed to make me happier, make me more cheerful... when it was only making me more and more sad. Of course, I was projecting a lot of my expectations onto my previous partner, as well, and with it, the power, the control over me and my happiness. So, the more time passes by, the more I not in contact with him, the more I am getting the power back to me.

 

I don't want to start doing too many activities all of a sudden, because I still want time for myself.

 

Just like you guys put it, I want time to grieve, as long as it takes. It's not healthy to run away from pain, I just want to learn to live with it and make it more bearable.

 

A big thank you to all of you posters with your amazing ideas:

 

- thompkevin- great suggestion, I actually did just that two summers ago - went skydiving with a bunch of friends. It did me a world of good and I met new people. I am not quite there yet now, plus in Europe it starts to get rather cold. But I am organizing day trips outside my city, to keep me moving and stop overthinking.

 

- barky2: wow, now that is one idea with the biking tour. It started to rain in Switzerland, though and... cooooold, brrrr! I am def picking up my gym routine, though, in order to keep my spirits up and for my body to produce those happiness hormones that running produces. I am feeling a bit feeble to start thinking marathon or triathlon. I am not quite there yet. Maybe in a few weeks! But I totally see the benefits of setting a goal. For the moment, my goal is to just get the hell outta my house and start moving. It's a bit the unknown, out there. hopefully, my mood will improve with the gym.

 

-hurts2death: it sounds tempting. I know people in the US are a lot into going to have drinks by themselves, in Europe a bit less. And even less for women. There is a jazz concert I am dying to see this Thursday... maybe I'll just go by myself and see where the evening takes me, haha! Again... just not sure if I am ready yet, a bit scared, now. Baby steps, for the moment.

 

-Im_thedude: I can totally see the benefits of doing that... except that I don't own a car. I live in a small city in Switzerland and really... you can get anywhere on foot. And if you need to get to another city, the trains are great as well. I was thinking of getting a car, but I think I'll end up walking a lot less. Plus, I am really not sure if I want to continue living in Switzerland, so in case I want to change countries / continents, a car isn't the smartest move... for the moment. As soon as I get clarity on where I will continue to live for the next few years, I am getting one. That should happen in the next 6 months, hopefully.

 

- beautiful diamond: thank you for the thumbs up, I really appreciate the support. Funnily enough, for me, it was a bit the other was around: I was feeling very intensely the sensation of rejection in the first few days, even if I am the one walking away. So I was very intensely missing "my fix" - his attention, presence, you know, the whole thing. But, as time goes by, his presence wears off on me and I start to function properly on my own again. I know it is a frail balance and he knows that I getting more independent, with time. However, in time, I also tend to forget what made me feel so miserable. And when he makes his comeback, he is hitting home big time, because his timing is usually very wisely chosen: long enough for me to not remember the pain and be well on myself again, but frail enough for him to mess with my head and make me miss him again.

 

Not this time. I really really hope he found a new gf (or "victim", as I call them) and just leave me alone. I need to protect my peace, as I am working hard at getting it. With or without his help.

 

Again, really, thanks a lot for your help, people. Keep those ideas pouring!

 

Today I am day 7 of NC. Cannot wait to write: day 30 or day 40 of NC. Fingers crossed !!!

Edited October 14, 2013 by candie13

[Fufu]

Love your attitude

 

I do like the idea of leaving town to breathe different air for a while.

[candie13]

A fellow poster started a thread on narcissists and published a few links... OMG, I froze! That was it. I believe one of the hardest things is to let go when you haven't actually understood what went wrong or why it went wrong. Last night, I had it right in front of my eyes, description, characteristics of him, of me, of the "addiction".

 

Such a time waster, cannot believe it. I am surprised / shocked to have allowed this f*cked up person occupy so much space, inside my head and so much of my time. But then, I bounced back ok, given the circumstances.

 

I feel not only that I am doing better, but that I start taking an interest in things outside. Happy to report that I've stuck to the plan to the letter, so far:

- hair dresser - done

- tonight: first class of ballet (I did 10 years of classical ballet, growing up)

 

I think the real challenge will be on Thursday: attend the jazz concert. I am a bit fearful of meeting new people. Same thing for Friday: my salsa dancing night. I love dancing, but the fact of going there is... yeah, stepping out of my safety zone, again.

 

Anyway, happy to report that day 9 of NC is unfolding uneventfully !

 

Have a fantastic week ahead, everyone !

[BePatient]

Quit your job

Travel on tight budget in cheap places

e.g south east Asia / India , Sri Lanka ,Nepal

 

You'll meet the most amazing people and realize what you were worrying is NOTHING

[JDPT]

I'm not certain if this falls within the category of fun but what I've done is keep myself ridiculously busy without walking away from my of course. I'm working on my masters, full time job, night classes, therapy, family activities, gym and whatever else I can get myself into as long as it's productive. I'm planning a trip to Tokyo as soon as this semester is over which I'm looking forward to very much. I haven't had much down time which I think it's great, it keeps my mind and body busy. Do what works for you as long as it's productive and propels you towards recovery.

[Mariposa10]

I already cried, and cried, now I'm ready to start moving on. I can't keep on crying and being mad and sad while my ex is maybe having fun with someone else, also that's none of my business anymore.

 

I'm actually enjoying being single. After all, I was a relationship for so many years. I'm adjusting to this new change and it feels kind of GOOD?!

 

I've become very social now, I talk to classmates more, I'm trying to hang out with old friends who I hadn't seen. I've bought some nice clothes, and in around a month I'm gonna change my hair a little bit. I'm really excited about it!

 

Weekends are a little bit hard still, but it'll get better.

 

OP, I love your post!

[StyleOnEm]

Yeah, I would also add to start blending fruits/veggies every morning and putting healthy ingredients into your body to start the day off right.

 

You will feel more energetic & along with putting positive thoughts in your mind, you will be putting your health as priority 1. You will naturally start feeling incredible about yourself.

 

Are you doing any form of yoga/pilates, etc? Take a gym class. It's a great stress reliever and mind clearer.

[Fufu]

A fellow poster started a thread on narcissists and published a few links... OMG, I froze! That was it. I believe one of the hardest things is to let go when you haven't actually understood what went wrong or why it went wrong. Last night, I had it right in front of my eyes, description, characteristics of him, of me, of the "addiction".

 

Such a time waster, cannot believe it. I am surprised / shocked to have allowed this f*cked up person occupy so much space, inside my head and so much of my time. But then, I bounced back ok, given the circumstances.

 

I feel not only that I am doing better, but that I start taking an interest in things outside. Happy to report that I've stuck to the plan to the letter, so far:

- hair dresser - done

- tonight: first class of ballet (I did 10 years of classical ballet, growing up)

 

I think the real challenge will be on Thursday: attend the jazz concert. I am a bit fearful of meeting new people. Same thing for Friday: my salsa dancing night. I love dancing, but the fact of going there is... yeah, stepping out of my safety zone, again.

 

Anyway, happy to report that day 9 of NC is unfolding uneventfully !

 

Have a fantastic week ahead, everyone !

 

Woo Hoo the Jazz concert sound so much fun! Do update us the happenings

 

Just go ahead and enjoy the fun. And keep it up on the NC, time flies!

I still remembered when I was grieving, I was thinking "Da*n the time passes so slow and now I look back, oh wow time just flew by without me knowing"

[candie13]

ok, guys, need your input: a few weeks back, when my ex and I kept talking about getting back together I mentioned him that I was going to a jazz concert, without telling him where. He also told me about another venue - which is right in front of my place - and said that if things go well, he'll take me there, one day.

 

The jazz concert of Thursday is exactly there, at the place which he mentioned. We live in a small city - 200.000 inhabitants... what do I do, do I go there and potentially risk running into him or not?

 

He has not been to a jazz concert this year, but he knows this is the type of gigs I enjoy...

 

Same question for the salsa dancing on Friday: there are two, maybe three good places were you can dance salsa and he is sometimes going there - when he has a girl to chase.

 

PErsonally, I'd looove to see him with another woman - because it is a complete turn off. But then, I really want to reinforce NC for at least 2 months.

 

I am already not going to my favorite coffee shop - because he's always go there to bust me - after work, during lunch break, even on weekends. I've stopped taking salsa classes - so he has the salsa school. I've stopped going to my favorite bar in town, because he's always having dinner there.

 

It seems unfair to lock myself inside my house, or avoid some nice outings for fear of running into him, because we are living in a ridiculously small place...

 

What do you think?

 

If I see him, I am dead set on not talking, just nodding "hi" and taking off. But I would like to avoid that situation as long as possible.

 

input?

[candie13]

The hell with it, I am going to the jazz concert.

 

I've realized his mother will be in hospital today, so there are high chances he is back in his old city. Meaning, I can roam free at the salsa event as well, tomorrow.

 

Oh, and the ballet class yesterday was GREAT. Really great. Loads of work, but totally worth it. Reminded me of my childhood. Cannot wait to go again.

[candie13]

Alright, guys, I got news for you: I went to my favorite coffee shop - which is right near my job - outside the regular hours - after the lunch break. As mentioned before, he was supposed to be outside the town, to be caring for his mother, whose surgery is today.

 

Guess whom I saw, outside the lunch break hours there too... I left the minute I lay eyes on him. He must have realized that I saw him.

 

Tonight he called. Five times. Left me a voice message. I did not answer his calls or voice message. IF you think he was begging and pleading, you are wrong, by the way

 

Anyway, all in all, day 10 of NC left me a bit shaky. I can't handle seeing him in person again, so I'll just say pass to the jazz concert. I'd rather play it safe.

 

Lyon, here I come on Saturday !!!

[Mariposa10]

Alright, guys, I got news for you: I went to my favorite coffee shop - which is right near my job - outside the regular hours - after the lunch break. As mentioned before, he was supposed to be outside the town, to be caring for his mother, whose surgery is today.

 

Guess whom I saw, outside the lunch break hours there too... I left the minute I lay eyes on him. He must have realized that I saw him.

 

Tonight he called. Five times. Left me a voice message. I did not answer his calls or voice message. IF you think he was begging and pleading, you are wrong, by the way

 

Anyway, all in all, day 10 of NC left me a bit shaky. I can't handle seeing him in person again, so I'll just say pass to the jazz concert. I'd rather play it safe.

 

Lyon, here I come on Saturday !!!

 

Why is he calling you? (sounds like you know the reason).

 

Hopefully I won't run into my ex, until I've moved on.

[candie13]

Yeah, I would also add to start blending fruits/veggies every morning and putting healthy ingredients into your body to start the day off right.

 

You will feel more energetic & along with putting positive thoughts in your mind, you will be putting your health as priority 1. You will naturally start feeling incredible about yourself.

 

Are you doing any form of yoga/pilates, etc? Take a gym class. It's a great stress reliever and mind clearer.

 

I've started to correct my diet and eat fruit again. I'll go to my gym tomorrow - I'll take that yoga class again, great idea !

 

The downside is, after seeing him - and leaving asap - I had one cup of icecream. I needed sugar to keep it all together.

 

And after he called, I smoked one cigarette. I haven't smoked in ages. Boy, did I felt tempted to answer that phone, today...

[candie13]

Why is he calling you? (sounds like you know the reason).

 

Hopefully I won't run into my ex, until I've moved on.

 

Because he wanted to talk to me. Not in an angry way.I got nothing to talk about.

 

Guess what. He came to see me. At my door. He was coming from the jazz concert ! Boy, do I know him or do I know him.

 

He almost persuaded me. He is that good.

 

He left thinking he won me back. I realized I cannot face him face to face, so we talked and got him out of my house, without kissing him or getting physical. He only hugged me.

 

I closed the door behind me and texted him to leave me alone.

 

I guess I'm starting to count from zero, all over again.

[Janni]

Alright, guys, I got news for you: I went to my favorite coffee shop - which is right near my job - outside the regular hours - after the lunch break. As mentioned before, he was supposed to be outside the town, to be caring for his mother, whose surgery is today.

 

Guess whom I saw, outside the lunch break hours there too... I left the minute I lay eyes on him. He must have realized that I saw him.

 

Tonight he called. Five times. Left me a voice message. I did not answer his calls or voice message. IF you think he was begging and pleading, you are wrong, by the way

 

Anyway, all in all, day 10 of NC left me a bit shaky. I can't handle seeing him in person again, so I'll just say pass to the jazz concert. I'd rather play it safe.

 

Lyon, here I come on Saturday !!!

 

Sorry, I just had to write you, when I saw you mentioned Lyon! Do you live in/close to Lyon?

 

And Btw. You are doing amazing. I am in awe!

[candie13]

Nearby, yes . NEver been to Lyon, it'll be my first time.

 

No, I am not doing amazing. I should have not opened the door. I should have been stronger, during the confrontation. I should have stood my ground more.

 

While he was telling his bullsyhte, I realized I will never be able to talk to him. Not really. Manipulator.

 

Funnily enough, it took him coming over to my place to fight my fear of confronting him. F*ck you, I am done hiding. I think I may have just decided to leave him behind me. I've been running away from this moment for the last 4 months. Who knew :) !

[Janni]

Nearby, yes . NEver been to Lyon, it'll be my first time.

 

No, I am not doing amazing. I should have not opened the door. I should have been stronger, during the confrontation. I should have stood my ground more.

 

While he was telling his bullsyhte, I realized I will never be able to talk to him. Not really. Manipulator.

 

Funnily enough, it took him coming over to my place to fight my fear of confronting him. F*ck you, I am done hiding. I think I may have just decided to leave him behind me. I've been running away from this moment for the last 4 months. Who knew :) !

 

You will love it. Lyon is amazing. I lived there for 5 months during spring this year. Absolutely love it. Have a great time! And do tell me about it You especially have to go see Notre Dame. It is soooo beautiful. I've never seen anything like it.

 

Yes, you ARE doing amazing. Just look at you. You are fabulous. You survived the confrontation and it even made you stronger. Keep up the good work!

[candie13]

After the confrontation, I was feeling cheated - because he had cornered me, at my place. I know, I know, I could have decided to not answer the door or not talk to him. As mentioned before, he only wanted to talk about what he felt was relevant. When I started to ask questions, he got ready to leave. I sent him a useless text - to which he replied some bollocks, like it was good to see me and talk to me, until I bursted the bubble.

 

One of my friend posters - thank you, DRG - mentioned he might have been a commitment phobic, so I've started reading about that.

 

Guess what, the whole "cannot be with you, cannot let you go" is one of the characteristics. So I've grouped together some of the most striking similarities between a "commitment phobic"'s behaviour and his, took a picture and sent it to him. Never heard from him since .

 

And... in addition to that, I've continued my gym routine and guess who passes right in front of me, on Sunday ? No "hello", no nothing. I must have struck gold with my last text . Of course, I've ignored him.

 

 

 

Anyway, let's continue with the progress:

 

- ballet class, yesterday; loved it, it's a lot harder that what I remembered!

- attended a salsa party, briefly, tonight, despite it being held at the same place where we both used to hang out (told you I am not hiding anymore)

- work's going well, taking back the control, start to function almost normally

 

It's weird, I know it's only been a few days since the "confrontation", but I think reading those things about commitment phobic people's behaviour made me accept that it was over. Every time I miss him or start thinking about him, I read that page again.

 

I swear to God, it makes my blood freeze inside my veins, the reaction I get is so violent.

 

Now that I get to do some sport, I want to find some interesting books, to occupy my mind, as well. My sister and her ex got back together, two of my closest friends are in relationships, with Halloween coming, it's a bit tough to be by myself. And I really don't feel like dating.

 

I'll try a Reiki class tomorrow - supposed to clean my energetic body !

[candie13]

Minor setback - looks like a full night of insomnia, here!