thefooloftheyear Posted October 10, 2013 Posted October 10, 2013 Some people simply are not cheaters. Neglect, abuse,nothing will make them cheat. My mother could have gotten 10 men to cheat with her for every one woman my father had. But she id not. He was neglectful,moody,absusive, a liar anad a cheater. I still have issues of why she would stay with this man. But cheat, she never did. she would say she would not stoop as low as he, plus never show us this was an example of how to cope. I have said this before. My sister has cheated on all of her husbands. And talk about neglectful. Soon as she married them she got bored. She would come home late. We have heard from all husbands how she will completely shut down and not talk for days. Last husband was in the hospital with anxiety attacks 4 months after marriage. ALL of her husbands except #2 her cheating partner did not cheat. She has radar for good guys.Well most of the times anyway. See, she was on alert if it was going to be done to her. In fact, the man who did cheat on her a BF, betwwen husband #2 and #3 was the one who landed her in the mental ward. We had to have her committed. Funny,when she was the one cheating, it was "no big deal. get over it". But when it was done to her, she could not handle it! Then comes my half sister. She too was NOT neglected. She was having an affair with MOM BEFORe she was even married. So when she had her MOM's child and tried passing it off as BS's child, she was not neglected. In fact, she had an attentive and good husband along ith his family who loved her dearly Well, till they found out what a cruel person she really was. I have been in relationships where I was neglected and not to brag, but there are never a shortage of men I could have gone to for "comfort" . I never did. I let a lot of really great guys walk by while I was in relationships with losers . I left when I was ready.When I learned the lesson I needed to learn for growth. Never cheated!!I have seen way too much destruction to think it's an option. I have learned to choose wisely and to value character over words. I respect your opinion and agree with you..That being said. No one is saying that neglect and emotional disconnect is a reason to cheat, so why bother to even bring it up? Physical abuse, infidelity, child abuse, emotional neglect and passive aggressiveness, abandonment/alienation, sexual abandonment..etc, etc.. All of these are examples of "abuse" of the MP...Where one chooses to place it in terms of weight is entirely dependent on the individual and their own personal circumstances. TFY
Author waterwoman Posted October 10, 2013 Author Posted October 10, 2013 Blimey! I wish I had put the word crime in inverted commas! I can totally see that there are truly dreadful things that a spouse can do to hurt and damage a marriage. So why does infidelity hurt so very deeply? I want to be logical about it but I just can't seem to manage it. I had an EA many years ago but I never confessed as I thought it was nothing and I ended it when it threatened to get too heavy. It wasn't until it was done to me that I realised what a grenade i had risked chucking into the middle of our marriage
Furious Posted October 10, 2013 Posted October 10, 2013 (edited) I have read here that there are many things you can do to damage a relationship, and that infidelity isn't the worst. I find that quite hard to swallow but maybe that is because of where I am. Currently, even 15 months after dday, and inspite of fessing up to everything I can think of that I did wrong that might have contributed to the situation, I still think H's affair was the worst. I have tried to work out why I feel that but I just keep coming up against a big stone wall of hurt. I can't quite get past that no matter how much I try to rationalise it all. The only thing I can think of that would have been more damaging was doing something to hurt on our children. In my experience and through IC, it wasn't the act of infidelity but the period of time and false reality that occurred that is most traumatizing. To look back and see yourself in a false reality and not feel that maybe your whole life was nothing but a sham. The infidelity is more than someone sleeping with someone else. It's about being denied your dignity and the right to your own free will. It's an emotional and figurative rape of your history. Your life is your story and when infidelity cuts into it, there is a new synopsis that must be written. The foundation of your life is now suspect, and that untangling from truth and fiction can be devastating. Trust is damaged, trust is the foundation to all heathy relationships. Without trust love cannot exist. It's ironic, because it's not so much about trusting someone else but being able to trust yourself in the future Edited October 10, 2013 by Furious 1
carhill Posted October 10, 2013 Posted October 10, 2013 Within the context of a marriage, IMO the worst crime, and it does happen, is killing or mutilating one's trusting and loving partner. As an example, local lady knocked out her H and put him, alive, in a 55 gallon drum of acid at her chemical business and killed him. Compared to that, infidelity pales. The problem with these pissing contests regarding who has it worse or who is more 'criminal' is that everyone always thinks they have it worse; they hurt more; they deserve more sympathy and justice. If I had a nickel for all the tales of woe I heard from MW's over the decades I'd be a rich man. Their husbands cheated on them; their husbands beat them; their husbands abused them emotionally and humiliated them in front of their children, on and on. 'You'll never know the pain I've felt'. Yeah, right sister. No man could ever know. We're machines. 1
yankees51988 Posted October 12, 2013 Posted October 12, 2013 Other than hurting your kids or taking all of your money and running, I think the absolute worst thing a woman can do is cheat on you with a family member or close friend.
emva07 Posted October 12, 2013 Posted October 12, 2013 Other than hurting your kids or taking all of your money and running, I think the absolute worst thing a woman can do is cheat on you with a family member or close friend. I used to work at a bank. And it was heart breaking how many spouses take all of their SO's money. One story in particular. A lady asks to know her balance. I tell her 4k. She says. No. Impossible how can that be. I had well over 14k. So I look into her account and she had $200 withdrawals for the past year or so. She says it wasn't her. So I ask. Does anyone have access to your card and your pin ? She says. My husband.... But he left the country last week in Wednesday. So I say hmm , yeah. The last withdrawal was made on Tuesday. She got so pale. Just said thank you and left. To me the worst crime is a man being sexually attracted to children. Tho the taking all your money is a close second.
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