TrappedWanderer Posted October 10, 2013 Posted October 10, 2013 It's been a rollercoaster of a time. Finishing an intensive graduate program, getting married a few days later, moving to France, and then my husband losing his mind. I've been going through an array of emotions-disbelief, sadness, anger, fighting to try and work things out, and finally trying to accept how things now have to be. All of these emotions in a vicious cycle. But today-I just feel numb. I know I have to figure out how I can leave, where I can go, and how I will now support myself. I know this person I thought I loved is now toxic. I've been channeling my anger into action. But now....I can't summon up any emotion. I'm drained, empty. I just wish someone could come in, pack everything up, and just let me not think. My brain is done. Just....numb.
love1336x Posted October 10, 2013 Posted October 10, 2013 You need a hug... *hugs* I am sorry you are going through all of this... Time heals all I say... eventually numbness will fade...
Author TrappedWanderer Posted October 11, 2013 Author Posted October 11, 2013 Thanks, I did need a hug It's hard enough to be going through all this...but particularly so in a foreign country alone. Just trying to make it through now, baby step at a time.
Author TrappedWanderer Posted October 11, 2013 Author Posted October 11, 2013 How did you all do it? I know, intellectually, that this marriage is toxic and I need to leave. There's no longer any question of that. But how did you go from one minute thinking you had a partner, a best friend, someone that you talked to every day and confided in.....to just nothing? How did you ever learn to trust again? How did you stop thinking of all those beautiful moments you two shared..or thought you shared...now I'm left questioning everything. I'm really struggling here. As I read elsewhere on here, it's the good memories that are the torturous ones, not the bad ones. How did you do it?
maturityassets Posted October 11, 2013 Posted October 11, 2013 (edited) Well for a while initially the good memories will plague you. You will remember all the intimate moments and wonder how your partner could have ever given up all those precious moments. Eventually those memories though start losing their luster after repeated imagining of them and realizing that both of you are capable of sharing yourself intimately with others others in such moments.... What eventually got leftover for me were all the times I felt guilty or regretted doing things that may have pushed away the person I loved. Of course you can't let that define you. To trust others? That will take a while. I remember after my break up I became even a little misogynistic in my head because I felt all ladies were untrustworthy (I guess for females it would be all guys are jerks) but eventually you do put yourself out there and you meet someone who earns your trust. In my case? I found someone who was patient and understood I still had some demons from my previous relationship. Insisted I deserved more, that I was the best guy ever, that I myself am to be trusted with this person's deepest and darkest secrets as well. So yeah, you will need time for all those steps but eventually you live your life no longer checking if your ex texted you... Wondering if they think about you?... What would it be like if we were still together? These things fade in time as you realize you got yourself and your abilities to move on. Good luck initially I vented by blowing off steam by sobbing and grieving. Eventually hung out with friends. I became busy with work. I started working out. Read books at a weekly pace. Just doing all the things that I enjoy and of course eventually met a new love Edited October 11, 2013 by maturityassets 2
NomiMalone Posted October 11, 2013 Posted October 11, 2013 You do it because you simply have no choice. The act of packing, leaving and driving off and knowing you can not just do a U-turn and drive straight back is one of the hardest things you'll ever do in your life, and if you can get past that hurdle, you are already 50% of the way there. Almost just as bad is the first few days post break up, when the pain is so excruciating that even getting out of bed is too much of a chore. And everything seems to remind you painfully of them, even their favourite fruit juice in the juice aisle in the supermarket. You go NC and block them from facebook, and then as time passes, you slowly begin to function again. You even go out with friends and go back to the gym, and maybe you sign up for that class you've always wanted to try. You learn to make yourself #1 in your life because you deserve nothing less. And one day before you know it, they are not the first thing you think about when you get up in the morning. Just think that you're not alone. Millions of people are walking this walk right now, as millions have done before. It WILL get much easier in time. Life will be good again and you will be happy again, and one day you will be glad that you did it! 2
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