Long, but pls read!! Need advice....Is there hope?

[garu1979]

"Hi all, im new to this site and stumbled across it by accident. I have read all of the pages of posts and thought i should highlight my own situation in order to try and seek some advice. I realise I have to keep it as short as possible! But it is long, so I apologise!!!

 

My ex and I split up after 9months. It was my stupid decision... It was a long distance realtionship as I was studying in a dif country and she lived here. The first months of our relationship were brilliant however and we both felt that we should be together forever. When I was studying we saw each other every 4 weeks or so, which was paradise. We were both very much in love with each other.

 

So, neway, due to various stresses including my final year at university, living away from home, career plans and my dissertation i began to get confused around May about what i really wanted from life. I split up with my her as my confusion made me think that I didn't love her as much as i thought. We tried to work things out and she came to visit me etc. but I hurt her so much, pushed her away and i was so set on the fact that I thought i was better off where i was due to better jobs, money etc.

 

I had also never intended b4 i met her to return to my home country, as I thot i would be unhappy there. I was going through a real difficult period and I didn't realise at this time just how strongly i felt about her and what i was losing and so I stayed where i was.

 

A couple of months went by and we never really got anything sorted, as i became jealous of a certain fella who she had become closer to who i knew she liked and trust became a problem. Also we were both unsure of what was for the best. Friends or B/f and g/f.... I knew i should never have ended it with her, I knew that from the day i did it as I love her so much. I couldnt eat or sleep and was a mess, just like now, but at the time I just couldn't decide what to do.

 

We went away several times for the weekend or nights when i was at home, got on like a couple but then after those days we wudn't actually officially get back together and I would fly back to college. We booked a holiday in august and I planned to move back home straight after to try and sort things out once and for all as I was certain then what I wanted from life, that our love was so much more important than anything else. She knew I was coming home and i would have been home sooner if it wasnt for some outlying commitments where i was studying.

 

So, we went on holiday and I tried to patch things up. She told me she didnt feel the same anymore. I moved back home anyway as intended and to fight for our love. We went away on the fri after I got home and spent the night together. Two days later, we were supposed to spend the day together. When i went to collect her, she told me that she had met someone else, and had been on a couple of dates with him b4 the holiday, while i was away. I was gutted and still am, and i just can't imagine the rest of my life without her. I believe she is the one!

 

We used to speak and text everyday, even after the split in May we would talk for hours, it never really felt until this time that I had lost her, and was hoping to put things right and make up for my past mistakes. It wasnt the new guy who made me realise I had made a huge mistake, I realised this more than a month before I knew about him.....

 

At first, and right up until the other day I must admit I have been pestering her and tryin to make her realise what we were and how good the love we had was. As many people mentioned, it only makes things worse and makes her and him closer.

 

They are still together now, three months on and its killing me. I just don't know what to do. I did cut contact with her for just over a week there because i phoned one night and her new man answered and told me she didnt want to talk to me. She says she wanted a break and thought it would help me too. I couldn't bear hearing his voice on the phone. So, i didnt contact her and then about a week after, she phoned me.

 

The main purpose of the call was to help her with some university work. I had always been there for her when she started studying and always helped her. Being me, and loving her so much, I would do anything to help her and let her know I am there for her. She did cry cause she was feeling so stressed and I agreed to help her. I spent 3 nights of that week at her house helping her and finally got it done yesterday.

 

It was great to see her, but uncomfortable too and hurt like hell. It was so hard, im just not ready to be my normal self with her although I wish I could as being the 'me' she fell in love with is the only way i have a hope. When i could see she was stressed I gave her back a rub or ran my fingers thru her hair. Most of the time she didnt actively resist this. Im just soo down and when im with her I keep asking questions about her and him. I did say a few stupid things, showing my weakness and crying in front of her. I miss our love more than anything in this world.

 

One day after i finished the work, i broke down. I told her love her so much and am so sorry for the times i hurt her in the past.

She means everything to me and I need to figure out how to get her back. I told her how much i love her again and how I am always there for her. She told me she doesn't love me and is happy with him and just wants us to be good friends. I feel sick. She said she never thinks of us together and says we will probably never be, but I won't give up hope.

 

I made her a cd a few weeks back of our fav songs. She listened to it and cried and said it was so sad and she wished she could get her feelings back and wondered where and how it all went wrong but felt if it didnt work the first time it wouldn't 2nd time round. Im just so confused by some of the things she says, like she wished she could get her feelings back but then wont give 'us' a chance. When i came home i only wanted to prove things could work, that i was sorry for splitting up with her and wouldnt ever ever hurt her again and that I am the guy that she once loved and wanted to spend the rest of her life with. I know i would have to rebuild her trust again etc.

 

I tried to point out how much I do for her, that I go out of my way for her, more than any of her friends or her new fella and try to get her to recognise how special that is. When i try to talk about us she just wants to go off the phone, or won't talk about it. She sees him quite a lot, and im just so scared that I will never get her back. She says me and him are just two different people, but obviously he is better and it worries me how she can go from loving me to nothing in such a short space of time.

 

Recently she has asked me to help her with more work, and I have obliged apart from once. I told her on saturday after helping her for the last time that I could not do anymore work for her. I felt used and told her this and everyone else arounf me could see thats all she ever seemed to contact me for. We argued most of the day as I kept on thinking about us and things and she just wanted to get the work done and seemed to care little about what I was going thru.

 

She emailed me last night to say that even though we are not together I am still special, and she doesnt want to lose me from her life. She doesnt want to fight with me, wants to be friends and I will always have a special place in her heart......

 

Im so lost, so confused and dont know what action to take as initially I was the dumper.... I was so wrong and would do anything in this world to be back with her. Do i be friends, do i cut contact, is there anything I can do to get her back. I have read several theories, no contact, agreeing with her ego, lots of ones, but I just dont know what path to take!

 

This is where I am relying on the advice of all you wonderful people to help to to realise what I am doing wrong or what i should do or any other advice you have for me. p.s. sorry its so long, i just wanted to give as much info as possible! Hope you have some great advice... I need it!!";

[Dakini]

Garu:

 

I am so sorry for your situation. IMO, it is irrelevant who is at fault. The facts and events are as they stand, and there is nothing you can do to change or make up for the past. I think your ex is being very selfish by asking to maintain contact with you. She cannot have her cake and eat it too. I think no contact is best for you. Maybe in the long run you might be able to maintain a friendship, but at least in the coming 6 months to a year, I would recommend no contact. You must move on.

 

Good Luck.