mistygirl Posted December 4, 2004 Posted December 4, 2004 Hello, I saw some other similar threads on this subject but I feel like I should post my personal problem. My boyfriend and I have been together 6 years now. We have had our rocky times but for the most part we get along great. I could spend the rest of my life with him, happily. But just recently something came up. I was on his computer looking for a document file, when I opened his recent documents folder, I saw some porn movies. I looked to see what directory they were in and I found a directory full of porn movies. Maybe 40 of them. I didn't play any of the files but I noticed that some had been looked at as soon as a week ago. I know I should not have looked for the directory after I saw the porn in his recent documents, but I did see them in there so the damage is done. He doesn't know I was on his computer and he doesn't know I saw the porn. I want to confront him about it and ask him why the movies are there. I am not jealous of the porn because I know that it's a sex thing and not a love thing. I don't feel like he's "cheating" on me. But there is one thing I do have a problem with: He tells me constantly that he doesn't have much of a sex drive and that's why we don't have sex that often. I used to accept that and the fact that he is always really busy at his work and that's why he doesn't have much interest in sex. But how can he have all that porn on his computer and tell me he doesn't have much interest!! I know if I confront him and ask him about it, he will get angry because I was on his computer. I wish I had never looked in the first place, but it's killing me to not ask him about it. I just want him to know that I'm okay with him having porn. I can't be a hypocrate because I have looked at porn too. But it's killing me to not talk to him about it. I will think I'm okay and then horrible thoughts will cross my mind. I can hardly sleep at night because these thoughts go through my mind over and over. I don't want this to be something that ends our relationship because he can't trust me or something stupid like that. I don't even know if he masturbates, or how often. We've never talked about it before now even though we are open in discussing anything else sex related. Should I confront him about the porn? What is the best way to go about talking to him about it? Thank you in advance for the advice.
Chenault Posted December 4, 2004 Posted December 4, 2004 You stated that he has problems with his sex drive. Perhaps he's watching it in an attempt to jump start it. Could you maybe bring the subject of porn up and get a feel for his reaction without mentioning that you saw what was on his computer? Maybe even suggest that you might want to watch some with him? Keep in mind that many people are embarassed to admit that they watch it. He may not admit it at first, or play it down, so don't overreact too much if he's not comfortable admitting it right away. After you've broached this subject initially, he may need some time to process some stuff in his own head first before he can talk to you about it comfortably and honestly.
Just Visiting Posted January 14, 2005 Posted January 14, 2005 I am currently experiencing the same thing. I just recently started living with my bf. I check my email and surf the net on his computer as mine isn't set up yet. I notice that he looks at a lot of porn sites, and downloads movies when I am at work (he works from home). I have a great sex drive and would enjoy having it everyday. And he has given me excuses on why he isn't in the mood at the time. I can't help but wonder if he is masturbating while looking at the porn. I know it is visual stimulation but when I am turned down for sex, it hurts. So I guess you can say I feel a bit cheated. I did mention to him that I found a porno in the vcr that he forgot. And it made me wonder if there is something I am not doing for him. And also, that it made me feel kinda insecure. He said that I am beautiful, sexy, and that he is just a pervert...lol. But I don't know, I am trying not to let it bother me too much. I don't mind porn once in awhile, but everyday just seems excessive to me. I also can't help but wonder why he would want to look at that, when he has a willing partner at home? I am venting here....some insight would be helpful.
gwennebe Posted January 14, 2005 Posted January 14, 2005 I personally love porn. My boyfriends are always very happy that my collection is larger than theirs. If it doesn't bother you or make you jealous maybe you could surprise him and pick a porn up one night, put on some sexy nightie and invite him over for a movie and popcorn. Maybe that will get you two back Nsync. You've been together a long time maybe you need a jumpstart. Just an idea.
LucreziaBorgia Posted January 14, 2005 Posted January 14, 2005 Originally posted by mistygirl But how can he have all that porn on his computer and tell me he doesn't have much interest!! Because the sex he has with you is not the same as the sex he has with himself. Looking at you naked is not the same as looking at digital porno-girls naked. Two different associations in the mind. Should I confront him about the porn? What is the best way to go about talking to him about it? Yes, because it will eat you alive if you don't. Just tell him that you understand that he is looking at porn, and you are wondering why - especially since he seems to have no interest in you sexually. Don't make it an angry, confrontational sort of thing. Just keep it calm, and ask your questions as objectively as possible. This will open the door for a calm and honest discussion and insight into what your real problems in the relationship. Don't let your insecurity and hurt drive the discussion. If you go in with guns blazing, you'll waste all your time being all angry and fighting over porn - when really, you should be addressing it and then getting to what the actual problems are. Don't demand to know why your boyfriend looks at porn: ask him why he doesn't make love to you, or spend time with you intimately, and tell him that you want real answers. Lack of intimacy isn't because of porn, its because of hidden anger and frustration that turns him away from you, and toward those things that don't demand any emotional interaction from him. Find out what those underlying problems are, and you'll be well on your way to figuring your way through this.
FolderWife Posted January 14, 2005 Posted January 14, 2005 uGH! I had the same problem No sex drive. Whenever I would put the moves on him, I got a softy, and when we would actually have sex, he would stay hard for so long that I didn't enjoy it. It was AWEFUL! And he was telling me that sex isn't important to him Lo and behold.....16 porn movies, and pay per view, and once we got a computer, I never had sex again. Until I got rid of the computer, threw out all the porn tapes, and told him that I wasn't living with it any more. Now we have great sex. It starte dwindling, however, at the beginning of December, and he was a real jack ass to me, and the next thing I know, I found he'd ordered 6 DVDs So, I threw those out, told him that I found them and that I wasn't happy, but since we've had this conversation 100 times already, I was just going to let it go. Now he's normal again, and can get a hard on with me...again. Last night, he said to me, "I don't need sex, I have my hand," and I felt a shiver run through me. I WANT SEX! I am MARRIED. He's the ONLY man that I can have sex with, and I will not share sex with his hand I should be first, his hand should be second. When he has porn, however, hand is the first to have the penis, and I don't get it at all, because hand is always ready So I feel your pain, and I have no solution for it. You're not the only one though..I wanted to let you know that.
alphamale Posted January 14, 2005 Posted January 14, 2005 Originally posted by mistygirl He tells me constantly that he doesn't have much of a sex drive and that's why we don't have sex that often. I used to accept that and the fact that he is always really busy at his work and that's why he doesn't have much interest in sex. But how can he have all that porn on his computer and tell me he doesn't have much interest!! This is the thing you need to understand MISTYGURL. Viewing porn and spankin' the monkey are considered relaxing and entertaining activities by men who are blowing off steam. Sex can be tiring and boring and monotonous sometimes. It is more stressful esp from a man's point of view in the fact that he cannot really relax.
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