No Contact at Christmas, and selling a house???

[Mazellan]

Hi all, I have been reading these posts and it has helped me enormously.

Sorry but this is a really long post but this is good for me to write down so I get it clear in my head.

 

This is the story:

We met in a shared house while we were both at college (22 and 25), slowly drifted together, started sharing our beds, 6 months later moved out into another house where we lived together as a couple. By this stage we accepted that we were in love. She got pregnant, we had the baby and all was good. The baby did however put an end to our plans to travel together.

 

Two more kids later (they are now 15, 17, 21), 23 years later, and our relationship was, not perfect, but loving and comfortable. In all of those 23 years she never worked full time for more than a few months, I was mostly the breadwinner. I supported her through 3 different courses/careers, none of which she worked in for more than a few months, usually part time. Before she met me, she had worked as a volunteer and also part time. This is actually relevant as the reason she has given for leaving me is that she has never traveled and she seems to be full of resentment towards the kids and me for preventing it. For most of the 23 years I have worked full time, which I don't like because it leaves no time for me. You know the tired father comes home, has a beer and just wants a rest. A few weeks before she left I started working only 3 days a week, which suites me perfectly. And she also was working 3 days a week so we finally had time to ourselves to do things together. We also decided to sell our very nice home and get another cheaper one where we wouldn't have a mortgage, so we would have more money for going out and holidays.

 

However one Saturday evening she was due home from the cafe she works in, she rang, spoke to my daughter and said she would be home late. I took that to mean that she would be doing the cleaning up. I cooked dinner, but I waited for her to come home, about 8pm I gave in and ate mine then watched a bit of TV then went to bed and read, quite worried about her. Couldn't decide whether to start ringing all her friends to see where she was. Well, at midnight she comes in, says your awake late, how was your evening. I say where have you been, your dinner has been on the table for 5 hours. She says I went to a show and dinner in Melbourne (1.5 hours drive away - a fairly big trip for us). I said you didn't tell me, I have been worried. And who did you go with? Well it was a man she has been serving in the cafe for a few months and he just came in when she was packing up and said do you want to go to a show. You can imagine that I was a bit upset, we don't have the money or time to do this sort of thing ourselves very often.

 

Anyway I got over it, She has assured me that the relationship with cafe man is plutonic, but that she is attracted to him. He also lives in the same house as his ex. Over the next few weeks I really made an effort to be the perfect partner, and we had some really good times and loving sex on our day off. Then the next day she says she needs some time to think things over, she is going through menopause, the hormones are bringing up all sorts of issues from her teenage years, like her parents not giving her career direction, and then me not living up to my promise of taking her traveling. Oh by the way, I've spent the last year ill, often in pain with a hiatus hernia. So she says she will go and stay with a friend for 2 weeks and get a bit of time to herself. I thought that was a good idea and helped her pack.

 

Well, with her male friend on my mind, after 4 days I meet her and ask her outright, is she coming back. NO. Unfortunately I fell to pieces in front of her. I cried for the first time since I was a child. I saw her on a few occasions after that, she came to the house to get things. About this time I discovered this forum and the Marriage Builders site. After reading most of that I realized what I had done for the last 23 years, so the next time I saw her I apologized for all the times I had not listened, or bullied her into my way of thinking. I said I fully understood why she had left, and that I was getting on with my life and had joined some dating agencies (ie. RSVP). We talked about buying a house together with a bungalow for her to live in, just so the kids could have some sort of normal life. Also as we would not be able to each buy houses with the proceeds of the sale of our present family home.

 

I t has not been easy, but a few good friends that I did not see very often when in the relationship have helped me but I have been forced to get sleeping pills, which I do not like. I have downloaded some relaxation audio that I can use when I can’t sleep. Night time is always the worst for me.

 

We had planned for months to go to an outdoor dance party with some friends. We decided that we should go but we would sleep in separate sleeping bags. Well I wish I hadn't gone, dancing with her was too painful, I couldn't look at her.

 

Last week she came to talk to the kids to explain why she had left. I talked to each of them afterwards, they were all angry and upset, and they all felt she didn't offer any real explanation as to why she had abandoned (their word was ditched) them and me. This made me quite angry.

That night I wrote a long letter to her, I started no contact, left the note in her car saying I wouldn't see her until Christmas Day at her parents. The oldest kid didn't want to see her until then, the youngest said about a week. I was very careful to not influence their decisions. The middle kid says he won't go, he doesn't want to see her at all. I said that I loved her, and that I thought she needed some professional help. I would go to counseling if she wanted me to, and that I thought that we had a lot going for us and that it could be fixed. I then said that if she decided to, I would sell the house and split the proceeds with her and that the kids would live with me and I would not see her for a few years until I had gotten over the breakup. I told her that the kids were very hurt and that her relationships with them would never be the same again.

 

Anyway, the point of this post is Christmas. We always went to her parents for lunch on Christmas day. This is only 3 weeks away. Not quite long enough for no contact? I expect it will be a bit tense, should I even go? I like her parents a lot, they have been really good to me.

 

Also, should I clean up and sell the house without her? It needs a bit of work; I can do it on my own. This is where no contact gets really messy. We need her money to pay the bills; it’s not a cheap house to live in. This is why I would want to sell it as soon as possible. Even if we were to get back together, selling the house is still necessary.

 

I need a bit of guidance here, I feel I have done mostly the right things since the breakup, but there is still some way to go.

 

Thank you in advance to all who reply,

Mazellan

[Groovy]

I thought I was editing and I posted twice, see below for my edited post. It won't let me delete this duplicate. Thank you.

[Groovy]

Hi Mazellan, I am touched by your post. You sound like a wonderful person. I am 32 and my parents have never gone through what you are, nor have I. I can't give you advice from personal experience.

 

But I will say everything your going through is 100% normal, the crying, the sleeping pills and not knowing what to do next. A lot has changed in your life and your childrens that you obviously love. I do have cousins that this happened to. The father left the family for another woman and one cousin would see him and the other cousin decided he was not considered a parent and still does not. But both my cousins are very happy, have kids and amazing husbands. The kids will bounce back and they do understand your pain and confusion more than you think. It is hard for them to see that and for you to let them know, but it is O.K and may even help them later in life. (I am 32 and my parents still try to hide fear and pain from me!) I think my cousins were very careful about who they choose for a father because they wanted no one like they had, they choose wisely. This may help everyone grow rather than tarnish your lives.

 

You don't need to alienate the kids from their mother, but you also don't need to subject yourself to pain your kids don't want for you. Ask them if they want to go for Christmas. If they do, let them go. And if you don't want to go the children are old enough to understand. Just let them know you care about her, you are still friends but you are trying to close that chapter in your life so this Christmas you are taking a break. You can tell her that too.

 

As far as the house goes, if you can afford it and it will make you feel good about yourself. But honestly, she made the decision to be with someone else and cheat. If you left her and cheated it may be honorable for you to do that, but here it is just being very generous and certainly not an obligation.

 

And if you have the time I would really suggest counseling. Best of luck and God Bless you....

[Mazellan]

Groovy

 

Thanks for the reply and kind words

 

I have had long talks to two very good friends and I am confident that the kids and I are doing the right things. I think my ex has had a breakdown, I have talked to her parents, and they don't think that they can interfere. They have talked to her today and she said she didn't want to talk about it, and that she is OK. She has said that she is working things out with the help of the friend whose house she is staying at, but I know this woman and she has all her own problems.

 

I am beginning to accept that it is over, and that I cannot help my ex. The kids and I will find our own way. Her parents have insisted that we are more than welcome to attend Christmas at their house, and we will be attending. My attitude to my ex on the day will be polite indifference. I hope the kids can handle it. I have even bought her a present, I think I will say on the card, "To Robin, with all my love of 23 years..."

 

Thanks again

 

Maz