Dumped, now what? How do I live?

[Pendawn]

So my bf of 11 years split up with me tonight. His reasons were pretty vague, I just get the feeling something changed for him, I don't know what.

 

He was upset about it, which is a small comfort,and he was particularly tearful when expressing how the last thing he wants is us never to speak again and he wants to be friends etc. Is this when No Contact comes into it? How do i draw that line where i don't make him mad at me but don't make it easy for him and ease his conscience?

 

More than that how do i get through these first few days, right now I can barely think to do anything other than think about it. Part of me wants to write down every single memory I have of him so I don't forget and can keep it all threre to read and make me feel better. I don't drink and due to a disability I can't just go out whenever I feel like it. Anyone got a good strategy to get me through this first few days without making myself ill?

[SpaceCoyote]

First let me say how I sorry I am. I share your pain, as mine occurred 2 weeks ago so the wounds are pretty fresh for me too. I am probably not the best to give advice on how to get through the first couple days because I didn't handle it too well myself. In fact, I did some downright embarrassing things that I am ashamed of. But I can say that what helped a lot was talking to friends and family about it. I openly poured out my soul to a few people who I know care about me and that I can trust and they were very understanding and offered a lot of encouraging words. Doing the same here on this site helped just as much. I know the pain right at the beginning can be very horrific, and it makes you not want to do anything, but you can help yourself by sharing with people who understand. They can't make it go away but at least you aren't alone and you don't have to wallow in it by yourself. And hang out with friends and family as much as you can, so you aren't alone with your thoughts.

 

As for No Contact, I think that is the way to go. Why would you worry about it making him mad? He dumped you which means he doesn't want you in his life, so show him what its like. Him saying he wants to stay friends and be able to talk is him trying to reassure his conscience, which you guessed yourself. Maybe you can truly be friends someday but for now, I wouldn't. Friends talk to each other about all kinds of things in their lives, and do you really want to hear about his life right now, especially if it involves him meeting someone else who he wants to date?

[Pendawn]

Thanks so much, very wise words. And I'm sorry fro your pain too.

 

it is hard becuase we were friends for 6 years before we started dating so it's goign to be difficult and he was really upset and saying he didn't wnat to be excluded form our group of friends and the last thing he wants is never to speak to me again. but I am thinking today that punishment is what he needs for making the BIG mistake of not wantign to be with me anymore, so I guess you're right. No contact will make him see what REALLY not having me in his life is like.

 

For a lot of our relationship we had a long distance relationship due to his work so for weeks or months we'd just speak on the phone. So if I carry on doing that now it's just making it easier for him, becuase we could as well have been dating.

 

That's the one blesssing, is that I'm used to day to day not seeing him so that part should (theoretically) be a little bit easier for me. And I often had to go to parties alone becuase of his work, so I'm used to that too.

 

LOL the more I write the less of a catch he's sounding.

 

I am just worried about Christmas, I'm sure I'll cave and send him a Christmas card. Maybe it would be okay if I don't put anything personal in it, just put what I write in a everyone's cards?

 

 

Thanks again for the words, i feel a little stronger today. Despite the constant tears and feelings of acheing in my heart I am able to make jokes - like the fact I'm going to have to return all his Christmas gifts.

 

"Reason for return?"

"I.was.DUMPED!"

 

[SpaceCoyote]

Hang in there pendawn, and don't worry about the tears and the persistent heartache. That is perfectly normal and you should allow yourself that. Some days or moments will be better than others. I can sit here and dispense all the wise-sounding advice I know but it doesn't keep me from becoming crushed by the pain at certain times myself. I am dying to see her face or hear her voice, or it takes all my willpower to not pull out pictures of us and just cry over them. Difficult times are normal... just take it one day at a time.

 

I hear you regarding the gifts. I got dumped the day before her birthday. I wanted her to take the gifts anyway just to make her feel guilty but she saw through that and made me take them back. I don't see anything wrong with you sending a Christmas card.

 

Stay strong, and good luck!

[DoggyDog]

Pendawn,

Don't send a Christmas card....YOU WERE DUMPED!!! Just like I was 2 wks ago after a 20 yr LDR....Why should you make "HIS DAY"...No way would I send a card to someone who broke my heart....Buy yourself a Mocha instead and while your sipping on it, destroy the pictures and keep ones of only YOU....There is NC from either one of us...and I've resolved myself to believe there won't be...IT's OVER

forever.....I'm handling it well this time since I went thru so pain a few months back when I had my first blow in 20 yrs....that was really really bad.

 

Also, when you can't sleep start writing every single thought down on paper...Not only does it take up the time but really did help me alot just to swear and let off steam....Hope you can set your mind into what mine is now "How dare him live a life without me.....if he can, I CAN too...." One day at a time.

 

Take care, were here

L DD

[theone44]

Originally posted by Pendawn

So my bf of 11 years split up with me tonight. His reasons were pretty vague, I just get the feeling something changed for him, I don't know what.

 

He was upset about it, which is a small comfort,and he was particularly tearful when expressing how the last thing he wants is us never to speak again and he wants to be friends etc. Is this when No Contact comes into it? How do i draw that line where i don't make him mad at me but don't make it easy for him and ease his conscience?

 

More than that how do i get through these first few days, right now I can barely think to do anything other than think about it. Part of me wants to write down every single memory I have of him so I don't forget and can keep it all threre to read and make me feel better. I don't drink and due to a disability I can't just go out whenever I feel like it. Anyone got a good strategy to get me through this first few days without making myself ill?

 

 

 

 

Remember,he the dumper and your are dumpee. 11 year is a very long time for two people to be together with-out getting marry. Break all contact from him what-so-ever...no phone call,e-mail,no sex,no text,no visit and "no becoming just friend"because that never work. This man had to nerve to waste 11 year of your life,just to break -up with you. Somebody ought to take him out in the back wood,and tie him to a tree,and give him an old fashion butt whipping Just leave him alone and move on with your life.

[Pendawn]

This man had to nerve to waste 11 year of your life,just to break -up with you. Somebody ought to take him out in the back wood,and tie him to a tree,and give him an old fashion butt whipping Just leave him alone and move on with your life.

 

LOL Thanks that made me laugh. It's amazing what a difference a few days make, I feel totally different now. I don't feel like sending hinm a Christmas card, or contacting him in any way. I know he will be hurt, but hey like you say he couldn't marry me but kept stringing me along for 11 years then split up with me for transparent/non-sensical reasons. So yeah maybe he deserves to feel a little hurt.

 

I don't ahte him and I don't regret the 11 years to be honest because we really hardly had a cross word or an unhappy time in all those years, which is I guess what makes the break up all the tougher. I always thought he did want to marry me, he did talk about it, but for years neither of us were ready. Then suddenly when all the circumstances were right and I was ready, suddenly he says it's too big a step and we don't know each other enough (after 11 years?!).

 

Anyway the tears have stopped, I can think about him and our past without crying. I'm not over it, but I'm just getting on with life. The thing my friends can't get over is they keep asking why and wanting to discuss why and what he might have been thinking etc, and I'm just not interested. I don't care whatever his reasons were the end result is the same and clearly I can't do naything to change his feelings, only he can do that. So why waste my time trying to figure it out, I am just accepting it and getting on with life.

 

Of course this is all very well because I haven't spoken to him or seen him. If he gets in contact with me, then I don't know how I'll feel or deal with it, but I can't see that happening in the near future. Unless he has an attack of the guilts, or realises all the fabulousness he's throwing away.

[theone44]

Originally posted by Pendawn

LOL Thanks that made me laugh. It's amazing what a difference a few days make, I feel totally different now. I don't feel like sending hinm a Christmas card, or contacting him in any way. I know he will be hurt, but hey like you say he couldn't marry me but kept stringing me along for 11 years then split up with me for transparent/non-sensical reasons. So yeah maybe he deserves to feel a little hurt.

 

I don't ahte him and I don't regret the 11 years to be honest because we really hardly had a cross word or an unhappy time in all those years, which is I guess what makes the break up all the tougher. I always thought he did want to marry me, he did talk about it, but for years neither of us were ready. Then suddenly when all the circumstances were right and I was ready, suddenly he says it's too big a step and we don't know each other enough (after 11 years?!).

 

Anyway the tears have stopped, I can think about him and our past without crying. I'm not over it, but I'm just getting on with life. The thing my friends can't get over is they keep asking why and wanting to discuss why and what he might have been thinking etc, and I'm just not interested. I don't care whatever his reasons were the end result is the same and clearly I can't do naything to change his feelings, only he can do that. So why waste my time trying to figure it out, I am just accepting it and getting on with life.

 

Of course this is all very well because I haven't spoken to him or seen him. If he gets in contact with me, then I don't know how I'll feel or deal with it, but I can't see that happening in the near future. Unless he has an attack of the guilts, or realises all the fabulousness he's throwing away.

 

 

 

 

Ok. i'm going to give you some good sound advice from a man point of view. He was stringing u along,and he is full of crap. This man indeed love you,or he wouldn't have stay with you for 11 year. Most men get scare, or chicken out when it come to the scary word""""""""Let get marry" . Here is five things that a woman should do when she is dating.

 

 

1. give a man 14 months or less to marry you,if he don't and say i'm not ready then he is stringing you along. It don't take 2,3 or even more than 5 years for someone to get to know you . If,he say no. then tell him there is a highway near by,so why don't you take it, and hit the road jack

 

2. never shack up witha man you not marry too. if you living together. why not be marry. Most men and women. think by living together,they will know that person well. if that was the case how come many people are stll breaking up.

 

 

3. When you living together with a man,and having all that good sex. it prolong in the man in marrying you. Why buy the cow when i'm getting everything for free.

 

4. beside of 3 mention upon. make sure you know that a man love you,before you give your mind body,soul and emotion to him.

 

5.Never become "friend" with someone who have broken up with you,because it never work... anyway. Most men and women say that,just to keep you around in case whoever they are seeing don't work out. then they will come back to you. Never be a doormat for anyone.

 

6. Never love no-one more than God or yourself. God first,you next,your children,if you have any,and everybody else come last,even your man. And when someone break-up with you at-least you have God and your self-respect.

[bebop]

Theone44,

 

could you please go over to my thread, Almost married, in the Breaking Up section, when you have a moment? I'd be interested in your comments. Also alphamale. Also anyone else. When you guys have time.

 

Thanks.

 

bebop.