MsAshley Posted October 10, 2013 Posted October 10, 2013 (edited) I've been watching this forum since april when everything started going downhill for me. This will be my first time posting though. I guess i always feared what i'd hear here but the one thing i will say is ppl here are very honest and i can use it right about now. I will try to make this as short as possible. i was in a relationship for 10 years..for the part part the relationship was wonderful until we got engaged (2yrs ago) now. I don't really know what changed but it went downhill slowly. money issues,family death,lack of communication and the destroyer of all destroyers. infidelity but not on my part just his. He started an affair with a co-worker.Ended with her a cpl times but not for more than a month b4 i found out again. I took him back many times to no avail. I was sexually assaulted during a break and i looked to him for support and he basically told me he had his own issues and couldn't deal with mines. I think after this blow cut so deep i let him go. I felt as though this was the time i needed him most and was totally rejected. I found support in a friend a lost touch with for years just getting out of a divorce so we felt each other's pain. Things between us started to fast and we became intimate (once). I thought my relationship was over for good at this point and was picking up the pieces when my ex came back saying how he couldn't live without me and how regretful he was and to give him one last chance to make it right. Like an idiot i did. I basically broke my friend's heart to go back to my ex and after one month he found out i was with this friend intimately and said he couldn't continue the relationship and went back to the affair partner. bI was distraught. this was 7 months ago. we have a 4 yr old together and that is all we share between us and have to talk about. He lives with her and is in a relationship with her now. His family basically disowned me and any mutual friends. My family doesn't speak to me anymore because of going back to him one too may times.I recently was diagnosed with cervical cancer. it was caught very early so i have a great chance of beating it but it brought all these feelings out that i buried deep just to live a normal life and try to move on. I told him about the diagnosis and he just said sorry to hear that and basically that was it. I made the mistake in telling him that i still love him very much and spoke about all the hurtful things he has done and would like to try to clear the air. He basically told me he will never trust me again and it would be a cold day in hell before he got back with me. He basically told me because of the situation with the friend of mine he will never come back. Also that if we didn't have a child together he wouldn't even speak to me. To leave him alone because he is happy and would never been a cheater if he had someone who really loved him and now he has that. I just don't understand how can you feel or say these things to someone you spent so many years with and shared so much with. I also don't understand why he is so angry with me? i didn't do the cheating. He was with someone else before i even considered moving on. I feel like he is transferring the things he has done on me. He also brings up people i have dated during this time we have been apart. I don't even know how he knows about that stuff. He hacked into my facebook,email,etc 2 months after the split and seen msgs between me and other men and speaks about that as if i'm wrong for trying to move on..i'm just extremely hurt and don't know what to take from all of this? any advice would be greatly appreciated. I really respect you guys opinions. I know it was long. i tried my best to narrow it down. Thanks for your time. Edited October 10, 2013 by a LoveShack.org Moderator 1
melell Posted October 10, 2013 Posted October 10, 2013 People who have made a habit of dumping their emotional crap on others will continue to do so, whether it is to you, or the person they are with. There is bitterness in the way he treats you, and this is a big sign that he is like that with others, even if he seems happy and all the rest chances are he is not. More importantly, you don't need to let him be a problem for you. Don't even think about why he acts the way he does, or what happened between you. Do your very best to let it go, it matters little anymore. The way he treats you is on him, and only him. The way you treat him is on you, and only you. Don't let him dictate your self worth, his opinion of you means nothing in the big picture- remember that. I am sorry about your health at the moment, that is really hard.. *hugs* for the process and recovery 4
Author MsAshley Posted October 10, 2013 Author Posted October 10, 2013 I feel like you hit the nail right on the coffin on just about everything you said. I think i got some caught up in the history of our relationship that i let alot of unacceptable behavior go.This alone affected my self worth. I've come along way on what i will no longer tolerate from him. I guess the only reason i found myself questioning his behavior...well i honestly never heard of anyone transferring blame too this extent before. It's very frustrating knowing you didn't do anything wrong to cause such hateful behavior. you are very right though it doesn't much matter anymore. Thank you for your support. i appreciate that! 2
todreaminblue Posted October 10, 2013 Posted October 10, 2013 hey msashley, i am seven plus years on from my ex he had an affair with a co worker and is stil with her, i havent gone back to him havent sighted him since , we have kids so we maintain contact ...he is a friend now...as a friend he was excellent as a partner he sucked in the loyalty department.....i contemplated going back , phone calls became passionate but i let it go.......i cant go back i cant be the other woman.......i do actually think i deserve better......as do you...no one deserves to eb treated with disrespect......even when they are not good to you it is better to walk away than disrespect them....breeds ugliness the more you tell your story the less it hurts...the more you reach out to soemone else in pain the more untied you feel in healing each other..i have found this to be true on love shack....i read a lot of stories on here and some stories are heartbreakingly close to what i have been through, some stories are worse.......but somehow we all move on...some slower than others, some speedily, some rebound.......whatever you do ...hold your head high........you do deserve what you give .......and one day you will find it a blessing he left you ..mightnt seem like it right now or even tomorrow...pain needs to be felt to heal which sorta sucks...smilin....but it isnt forever......you are free now to be loved in the way you deserve to be loved....huge hugs....deb 4
crazy1234 Posted October 10, 2013 Posted October 10, 2013 I've been watching this forum since april when everything started going downhill for me. This will be my first time posting though. I guess i always feared what i'd hear here but the one thing i will say is ppl here are very honest and i can use it right about now. I will try to make this as short as possible. i was in a relationship for 10 years..for the part part the relationship was wonderful until we got engaged (2yrs ago) now. I don't really know what changed but it went downhill slowly. money issues,family death,lack of communication and the destoyer of all destroyers. infidelity but not on my part just his. He started an affair with a co-worker.Ended with her a cpl times but not for more than a month b4 i found out again. I took him back many times to no avail. I was sexually assaulted during a break and i looked to him for support and he basically told me he had his own issues and couldn't deal with mines. I think after this blow cut so deep i let him go. I felt as though this was the time i needed him most and was totally rejected. I found support in a friend a lost touch with for years just getting out of a divorce so we felt each other's pain. Things between us started to fast and we became intimate (once). I thought my relationship was over for good at this point and was picking up the pieces when my ex came back saying how he couldn't live without me and how regretful he was and to give him one last chance to make it right. Like an idiot i did. I basically broke my friend's heart to go back to my ex and after one month he found out i was with this friend intimately and said he couldn't continue the relationship and went back to the affair partner. bI was distraught. this was 7 months ago. we have a 4 yr old together and that is all we share between us and have to talk about. He lives with her and is in a relationship with her now. His family basically disowned me and any mutual friends. My family doesn't speak to me anymore because of going back to him one too may times.I recently was diagnosed with cervical cancer. it was caught very early so i have a great chance of beating it but it brought all these feelings out that i buried deep just to live a normal life and try to move on. I told him about the diagnosis and he just said sorry to hear that and basically that was it. I made the mistake in telling him that i still love him very much and spoke about all the hurtful things he has done and would like to try to clear the air. He basically told me he will never trust me again and it would be a cold day in hell before he got back with me. He basically told me because of the situation with the friend of mine he will never come back. Also that if we didn't have a child together he wouldn't even speak to me. To leave him alone because he is happy and would never been a cheater if he had someone who really loved him and now he has that. I just don't understand how can you feel or say these things to someone you spent so many years with and shared so much with. I also don't understand why he is so angry with me? i didn't do the cheating. He was with someone else before i even considered moving on. I feel like he is transferring the things he has done on me. He also brings up people i have dated during this time we have been apart. I don't even know how he knows about that stuff. He hacked into my facebook,email,etc 2 months after the split and seen msgs between me and other men and speaks about that as if i'm wrong for trying to move on..i'm just extremely hurt and don't know what to take from all of this? any advice would be greatly appreciated. I really respect you guys opinions. I know it was long. i tried my best to narrow it down. Thanks for your time. Just hang in there dear and try to minimize your conversation with this guy as much as possible.Soon you will find someone who will love you and never go. 1
hurts2death Posted October 10, 2013 Posted October 10, 2013 go no contact and take care of youonly you 1
barky2 Posted October 10, 2013 Posted October 10, 2013 Thanks for sharing your story ash This struck with me because I too was dating my (ex) for 10 years when we split up I was lost,no idea how to move forward I felt like I was in a big pile of mud and couldn't move It took time,and a lot of it I was mopey and down an out for about 2 months before I snapped out of it Is sit for hours reading on here what to do ect The thing is, I finally got sick of being like this,as will you I slowly put the pieces together of what now is my life,everyday I took one step forward That's the thing with nc ,even know it doesn't seem like a lot the different between day 1 and day 7 is tremendous Just like me,you too will be just fine Just like me you will one day wake up and be sick of it,sick of him,sick of not being you You will get there and you will make it thru this, That's my promise Stay strong Barky 2
Author MsAshley Posted October 11, 2013 Author Posted October 11, 2013 Hey guys...thank you so much for your wise words and that is exactly what im going to do..just avoid him and go no contact. I have to worry about myself and overcoming more important things. 1
Author MsAshley Posted October 11, 2013 Author Posted October 11, 2013 Thanks for sharing your story ash This struck with me because I too was dating my (ex) for 10 years when we split up I was lost,no idea how to move forward I felt like I was in a big pile of mud and couldn't move It took time,and a lot of it I was mopey and down an out for about 2 months before I snapped out of it Is sit for hours reading on here what to do ect The thing is, I finally got sick of being like this,as will you I slowly put the pieces together of what now is my life,everyday I took one step forward That's the thing with nc ,even know it doesn't seem like a lot the different between day 1 and day 7 is tremendous Just like me,you too will be just fine Just like me you will one day wake up and be sick of it,sick of him,sick of not being you You will get there and you will make it thru this, That's my promise Stay strong Barky Thanks for sharing your experience and it seems like you have come a long way. If you don't mind me asking...How long has it been since you have been broken up? and have you ever felt like you were completely over it and it hits you again out of nowhere like a complete set back? This is what i feel happened to me..i felt like i was over him and moved on with my life where i barely thought about him anymore and then it all came back without a specific trigger i guess
Author MsAshley Posted October 11, 2013 Author Posted October 11, 2013 hey msashley, i am seven plus years on from my ex he had an affair with a co worker and is stil with her, i havent gone back to him havent sighted him since , we have kids so we maintain contact ...he is a friend now...as a friend he was excellent as a partner he sucked in the loyalty department.....i contemplated going back , phone calls became passionate but i let it go.......i cant go back i cant be the other woman.......i do actually think i deserve better......as do you...no one deserves to eb treated with disrespect......even when they are not good to you it is better to walk away than disrespect them....breeds ugliness the more you tell your story the less it hurts...the more you reach out to soemone else in pain the more untied you feel in healing each other..i have found this to be true on love shack....i read a lot of stories on here and some stories are heartbreakingly close to what i have been through, some stories are worse.......but somehow we all move on...some slower than others, some speedily, some rebound.......whatever you do ...hold your head high........you do deserve what you give .......and one day you will find it a blessing he left you ..mightnt seem like it right now or even tomorrow...pain needs to be felt to heal which sorta sucks...smilin....but it isnt forever......you are free now to be loved in the way you deserve to be loved....huge hugs....deb Hey Deb, i enjoyed reading your reply because you have a good positive vibe and strong will. i have alot of respect for you not ever going back. i can't say the same. I went back at less 3 times and believe if i had not done that i would of saved myself alot of pain and my diginity.
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