melell Posted October 10, 2013 Posted October 10, 2013 As the dumpee I am at a place now where I wouldn't reconcile. It has created this whole shift in my feelings. It is better than being tormented by wanting something, but it is not nice at all. Something about loss of hope, or just knowing that it is final, even if they did come back, it is final for me. I almost feel more lost now- nothing to cling on to, not sure where to turn. Thoughts? 3
Author melell Posted October 10, 2013 Author Posted October 10, 2013 I really don't know what more to do, I have turned to myself and been living- this is how I got to where I am now. Perhaps this is 'single' life. 1
h0000 Posted October 10, 2013 Posted October 10, 2013 do you still miss him a lot of time? I was at ur stage a month post breakup. then ex contacted me. damn...they just have the magic power that knows when your moving on and that's when they come back to set you back.
Author melell Posted October 10, 2013 Author Posted October 10, 2013 do you still miss him a lot of time? I was at ur stage a month post breakup. then ex contacted me. damn...they just have the magic power that knows when your moving on and that's when they come back to set you back. I don't miss him anymore really. Don't think of him much. Just coming on 4 months post breakup, we were together 8 years. Strange I feel like at 26 I have no time left! But yeah, he is never really on my mind in a 'missing' kind of way, when I think about it I don't have the sense of longing. That ended at the end of month 2. He did contact me recently, phoned from an unknown number (to my home phone) or I wouldn't have answered (was expecting a call from work that also comes up as unknown). He said all the right things, it messed me up for a few days, but also solidified the fact that I don't want to go back there. 2
h0000 Posted October 10, 2013 Posted October 10, 2013 I really think they "come back" because they havent found any better match..which is annoying. they should have thought about it before the BU. Not missing him is good. Sounds like you are completely free now! I want to get to your stage. hopefully soon. Now I still spend large amount of time thinking about him and thinking about him makes me sad and stops me from enjoying my own life.. what did you do to stop it? Did you start thinking about his bad traits immediately? 3
Author melell Posted October 10, 2013 Author Posted October 10, 2013 This might sound a bit crazy but every time I would think of him in a way that made me feel bad I would say to myself 'you are better than this'. I would wake up in the night half asleep and instantly think of him, now anytime I wake up the first thing my brain does is think 'you are better than this', and I go back to sleep. It really taught my brain to intercept those thoughts. It is insane how well it works on a subconscious level. I think the thing that did it was saying it to myself as I was falling asleep (when I would think of him most). Now anytime ANYTHING makes me feel uncomfortable the same thing pops into my head- things unrelated lol. Weirds me out a lot. 5
h0000 Posted October 10, 2013 Posted October 10, 2013 For me, it's like I want to stop thinking about him yet I dont want to stop thinking about him. Because I still think about the good times and they are overriding the bad times! He needs to completely turn me off or I need to find other exciting thing/people to think about... GOSH...
Author melell Posted October 10, 2013 Author Posted October 10, 2013 I think things will change dramatically for you over time. Each month things change.
cavalier99 Posted October 10, 2013 Posted October 10, 2013 This might sound a bit crazy but every time I would think of him in a way that made me feel bad I would say to myself 'you are better than this'. I would wake up in the night half asleep and instantly think of him, now anytime I wake up the first thing my brain does is think 'you are better than this', and I go back to sleep. It really taught my brain to intercept those thoughts. It is insane how well it works on a subconscious level. I think the thing that did it was saying it to myself as I was falling asleep (when I would think of him most). Now anytime ANYTHING makes me feel uncomfortable the same thing pops into my head- things unrelated lol. Weirds me out a lot. This isnt crazy at all. You are preventing your thoughts from snowballing by using a positive affirmation. This is one of the best things you can do to eventually get over it. I did this all the time to get over my 8 year rs. Controling your thinking, or at least observing it objectivly with out getting overly emotional, is essential to recovery. As far a feeling more lost than ever. This seems normal. You are accepting that it is truly over and they arnt coming back..EVER. Your grip on the pain that held you to them is slipping and produces confusion and an even deeper sense of loss. Also the coping mechanisms early on in the BU arnt nearly as effective. You get tired of the mad dash at self improvement and are left sorta depressed. This is actually progress. You are giving up the fight and are just beaten down. This will end and you will come out the other side. Keep moving foward. Rock on! Cav 6
headinthecloud Posted October 10, 2013 Posted October 10, 2013 (edited) ^^ love Cav's post. So true. I find any contact with your ex sends your mind spinning. It's ok though, because it does pass but you do have to work on it. And support from LS community is a great help. Perception is reality. Our thoughts create emotion which then become reality. A great quote by Obi One in Star Wars 2, "Be mindful of your thoughts Aniken!" Edited October 10, 2013 by headinthecloud 2
Mariposa10 Posted October 10, 2013 Posted October 10, 2013 I also do the same thing you do, I tell myself I deserve someone better. It's been working. However, I dream about him the every night, I can't wait for that to stop. It'll probably stop when I stop thinking about him. I'm just happy I have zero interest in contacting him. I'm curious about how you said that when he called you he said all the right things, but at the same time it made you realized you were done with him. Could you talk about that? Was it like an epiphany or something?
mtnbiker3000 Posted October 10, 2013 Posted October 10, 2013 Fear not! It's all part of the process. You're thoughts and emotions will be all over the place. Changing daily, even hourly. Just let it happen and try not to have to understand it. Sometimes, it is beyond logic and understanding. It just is... 5
cavalier99 Posted October 10, 2013 Posted October 10, 2013 Fear not! It's all part of the process. You're thoughts and emotions will be all over the place. Changing daily, even hourly. Just let it happen and try not to have to understand it. Sometimes, it is beyond logic and understanding. It just is... I whole heartedly agree with mtbiker. There are so many emotions and stages and iterations of stages it is almost impossible to keep track of what is going on! They key is to view all this from a distance of 30,000 feet or so like a pilot. You cant get caught up in the bushes! Just take the perspective that all of this is part of the healing process and every time you go thru a new trial it is just your system ..mind..processing and expelling remnants of the realtionship. That way you can even put a positive spin on the suffering!! lol As long as you stay NC and just keep on going foward all will eventually be well. Have faith! Cav 3
hurts2death Posted October 10, 2013 Posted October 10, 2013 thats really so annoying and i thing my ex is doing the same....basically is so annoying that i want to puke in the idea giving my self again to her so we the dumpes should take it as a boost to our freedom I really think they "come back" because they havent found any better match..which is annoying. they should have thought about it before the BU. Not missing him is good. Sounds like you are completely free now! I want to get to your stage. hopefully soon. Now I still spend large amount of time thinking about him and thinking about him makes me sad and stops me from enjoying my own life.. what did you do to stop it? Did you start thinking about his bad traits immediately?
Author melell Posted October 10, 2013 Author Posted October 10, 2013 Thanks Cav, that really helps a lot. Especially this last bit You get tired of the mad dash at self improvement and are left sorta depressed. This is actually progress. You are giving up the fight and are just beaten down. Cav Puts it all into context for me. 1
Author melell Posted October 10, 2013 Author Posted October 10, 2013 I also do the same thing you do, I tell myself I deserve someone better. It's been working. However, I dream about him the every night, I can't wait for that to stop. It'll probably stop when I stop thinking about him. I'm just happy I have zero interest in contacting him. I'm curious about how you said that when he called you he said all the right things, but at the same time it made you realized you were done with him. Could you talk about that? Was it like an epiphany or something? When I spoke to him he was all loving etc, and for a few hours when I got off the phone I was like 'oh how nice yay', then I started to ponder the possibilities, which of course made me feel horrid, then I was just like 'f*** this, no thanks'. 1
h0000 Posted October 10, 2013 Posted October 10, 2013 yeah after my ex talked to me I started to feel as if we were going to get back together. and then nothing happened , I only feel worse and wish he didn't speak to me. I don't know why they apologise then do nothing anymore. ..
lauri Posted October 10, 2013 Posted October 10, 2013 yeah after my ex talked to me I started to feel as if we were going to get back together. and then nothing happened , I only feel worse and wish he didn't speak to me. I don't know why they apologise then do nothing anymore. .. It is really unfair for someone to do that to you. I always have respect for women, actually correct that, PEOPLE in general to never try to hurt them more then I would need to. If I was to break up with a girl I'd do my up most best to help her move on and not play any games. Maybe be civil with her in the future but I would never ever make things seem unclear. Not everyone is like that though... Its funny at my work some girls were talking and one said she is to break up with their bf in "1 or 2 months" when the "time is right". I told her that is wrong and she should end it now because it won't do the guy any good...like seriously... 1
h0000 Posted October 11, 2013 Posted October 11, 2013 what other reasons can it be when they ask you about your life and such, if they dont want you back?
all_cats_rgray Posted October 11, 2013 Posted October 11, 2013 Sometimes I think, hey, I wish he was hesitant, I wish he showed he was unsure. BECAUSE that showed he did CARE. Being so cool cut, blunt, in your face. Hurts. I think it hurts more then talking about how your unsure. It just seems so drastic from the dumpee's position. It's a big "no ****ing way, I never really felt anything for you." I don't see the point in slowly letting you down. Some people say cut the cord and run, have a "clean" break. From someone that had it this way. It makes you question if you where dating a unfeeling monster. I wish he has informed of his feelings, gave me space. Talked about what WE should do. Given the time to sink in. .. I don't know maybe I don't know what im talking about. All I know is my girlfriend was dumped from a long term, and she said they talked about it for three months before it happened. I wish that had been me. I realized that had, nothing to do with the post... here's my thoughts on the post. When you get to the point where you wouldn't take them back, its freeing, and scary. Cause you look at the old you, kind of shamefully, and think wow, I would have done anything to get them back. It's a new you thats why it's scary. New thoughts of what you want. What you deserve. It is like a little death. Hold on to this keep working on these thoughts. Because sometimes they will slip. 2
Author melell Posted October 12, 2013 Author Posted October 12, 2013 what other reasons can it be when they ask you about your life and such, if they dont want you back? To make sure they made the right decision, curiosity etc etc
jack237 Posted October 12, 2013 Posted October 12, 2013 6 months. That's how long I waited. I was the dumper. She was the dumpee. I realized I wanted her back. When I contacted her she was already in another relationship. I was crushed. She said, the last time I saw her... when you broke up with me, it hurt so much. Then just one day, I stopped caring. I think you're just moving on. My ex is no married. I'm still hurt- and still miss her, 3 years later. But her one day, just deciding not to care anymore, was what she needed to fall in love with someone new. Which she did. Don't hang on to thoughts about whether or not he will come back. It doesnt matter. It is over. He may have a weak moment. Lonely around the holidays. Just remember it ended for a reason, and if you were to get back together- what ever made him end things in the first place will surely surface again. Close it off. 1
Author melell Posted October 12, 2013 Author Posted October 12, 2013 [quote=jack237;5268685 Don't hang on to thoughts about whether or not he will come back. It doesnt matter. It is over. He may have a weak moment. Lonely around the holidays. Just remember it ended for a reason, and if you were to get back together- what ever made him end things in the first place will surely surface again. Close it off. Thank you And this last part is exactly the opposite of what I do now, hence my being at the point of not caring. It is a weird feeling though.
Author melell Posted October 12, 2013 Author Posted October 12, 2013 Sometimes I think, hey, I wish he was hesitant, I wish he showed he was unsure. BECAUSE that showed he did CARE. Being so cool cut, blunt, in your face. Hurts. I think it hurts more then talking about how your unsure. It just seems so drastic from the dumpee's position. It's a big "no ****ing way, I never really felt anything for you." I don't see the point in slowly letting you down. Some people say cut the cord and run, have a "clean" break. From someone that had it this way. It makes you question if you where dating a unfeeling monster. I wish he has informed of his feelings, gave me space. Talked about what WE should do. Given the time to sink in. .. I don't know maybe I don't know what im talking about. All I know is my girlfriend was dumped from a long term, and she said they talked about it for three months before it happened. I wish that had been me. I realized that had, nothing to do with the post... here's my thoughts on the post. When you get to the point where you wouldn't take them back, its freeing, and scary. Cause you look at the old you, kind of shamefully, and think wow, I would have done anything to get them back. It's a new you thats why it's scary. New thoughts of what you want. What you deserve. It is like a little death. Hold on to this keep working on these thoughts. Because sometimes they will slip. You are exactly right. Thank you
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