I've never dated before

[Bubberfly]

So here I am, 28, newly single. I haven't been "single" since I was 15. In the last 13 years, I've been in two relationships. One for 7 years, I had a 3 month break in between and then the last for 6 years. (Both guys I've known since we were kids).

 

So I sit here and I think, dear god, I'm 28 and I've never dated before! I don't have a CLUE what I'm getting myself into! The whole idea of it is so daunting! OLD makes me a little nervous so I plan to steer clear from that. I'm currently working on rebuilding my relationships with my friends.

 

I'm pretty shy and plan on taking any future relationship slooooooow. I'm not a big partier and am not interested at all in casual sex.

 

Any advice for someone like me?

 

I hope guys won't think I'm this "inexperienced" naive person haha

[ThatMan]

It frightens me that you seek advice here when there are so many bitter, angry misogynists here who'll tell you women are using you for a lame cup of coffee or dinner.

 

In that case I hope people who are actually sane drop by first.

 

I understand how daunting it is to suddenly become single after a committed long-term relationship. Because that's exactly where I am today. I sincerely believe that striving to be the best person that you can be, with a positive attitude, will help you with everything including your ability to foster healthy relationships. It's okay if you feel intimated. Just because you haven't dated doesn't mean anything terrible. So please take a moment to acknowledge that everything will be O.K.

 

Just remember to look after yourself, do the things that you enjoy, and the rest will follow suit. Friends will introduce you to other friends who are single. Being happy and content with your life removes any desperation to be in the most quick and convenient relationship, even if it's an unhealthy relationship. Being in a healthy state of mind helps you interact with other people and appear more approachable. Being happy and content allows people to appreciate you.

 

 

Pretty shy?

No problem. You can work around shyness to meet like-minded individuals.

 

You plan to take future relationships slow?

Go for it. I'm sure you'll find a man who appreciates that you actually want to take the time to know him, and to be in a relationship with him because you appreciate who he is as a person.

 

Just keep being the awesome person that you are Bubberfly.

You'll get there.

[Lansing]

Sounds like you are a girl... I think it is easier for a girl to be inexperienced/shy/etc vs. a guy. I am not super experienced myself (guy) and I think I am more attracted to girls that are innocent/less experience. I think you are doing the right thing to get out there and be with friends. Get involved in things you are passionate about and you will meet more people which can lead to dates/etc. Consider volunteering and getting involved with organizations where you are passionate.

[happywithlife]

I think that ThatMan gave some great advice! I married young (to very much so the wrong person) and found myself going through a divorce after 11 years of marriage at the age of 33. It was definitely daunting!

 

But, its probably the best thing I have done for myself in my adult life. During and after the divorce, I focused on keeping my kids and myself happy and healthy. I had more time for activities with the kids and hobbies for myself that really helped boost my self esteem and help me learn who I really am and that I shouldn't ever compromise myself again.

 

Don't worry about dating right away. Take the time to figure out who you are and what makes you happy. Think, but don't overly worry about what you can give in a relationship and what do you want out of one. Then stick to your guns when you start to date again.

[Ninjainpajamas]

Try to take things step-by-step and try to establish your interpersonal skills without trying to "date", just mingle, socialize and experience the dynamic from the outside before throwing yourself in hot water...that's when women are most vulnerable to manipulation and fuzzy filled words/flattery and can be easily swept by men out there just looking for a casual encounter who have experience with the a rare find of someone who hasn't been around the block.

 

They'll be more "respectful" and cautious with you, building that rapport first and then you'll go with those butterfly feelings and establish that trust, start to become intimate and romantic them bam, they'll just disappear on you. So it's really your own feelings you have to be most careful about when you meet a man you like, you're likely to feel like a teenager again and that's when you'll be blinded and just along for the ride.

 

So to avoid those scenarios, try to establish "friendships" with men, which are really just acquaintances btw....men and women aren't exactly the golden girls, just realize that these men will usually make a pass at you at one time or another or plan on it down the road, even if everything seems casual and platonic...so keep that extra eye open and just be realistic that they are likely interested in more but you can still interact with men to get yourself comfortable and relaxed around them.

 

Dating someone new, essentially a stranger....is not the same as dating someone you go way back with, keep that in mind. There's all kinds of people out there, some good others bad, some users and some givers.

 

Always try to keep yourself in front of you so to speak, so that you're kind of assessing the situation and having awareness rather than just being in the middle of the cloud every time you meet a guy because I've seen a lot of new divorcees/inexperienced women from the dating world do that, they're really swept away by the attention/flattery and pursuit of men...they get enthralled quickly and then they get really hurt because they invest too much too easily, all their eggs in one basket...they don't know how to gauge interest or reciprocation and all those insecure or emotional feelings take over and they start reacting based on that instead of using their gut or their own good sense/judgment.

 

You're going to be ok if you take it slow and you stick to it...be sensitive and aware to how you feel and how comfortable you are, don't put the cart before the horse...if you want to try OLD then have conversations with men but don't meet them right away, just do it as a way of socializing, get a feel for how men are and how they "hit" on women...their strategies and behaviors because it's likely to be a huge learning experience....test the waters but don't jump in.

 

Now with that being said above, I don't expect you to truly take my advice to heart as soon as some guy comes along and piques your interest...however If you do, just remember you are in control, whenever you need that space step back and think things through, get comfortable and confident within yourself and being around men and dealing with their interest...you've got to have a backbone, a BS filter and some boundaries set for yourself or you're just going to be out there going which ever the way the wind blows you and likely relying on idealistic views/hopes and fantasies than what is actually occurring around you.

 

Whatever you're thinking/feeling now, is all going to go out the window once you meet a guy you like...so try to prepare yourself for taking things slow, because chances are you're going to horribly fail at that...most people do fresh out of long-term relationships and getting back into the dating world again after a very long-term.