lovesicles Posted October 10, 2013 Posted October 10, 2013 My boyfriend told me today that when we first started dating, he had been seeing another girl for a couple months already but then decided to cut things off with her after our first date because she wasn't caring or genuine. He said that he decided to tell me this because he didn't want to hide anything and wanted everything out in the open. I can't but to feel like the "back-up," and that the only reason he chose me is because she "screwed up" (in his eyes). Also, since when we first started talking, he'd always start the conversation with "hi beautiful" (he still does, to this day) but since he told me about the other girl.. I don't feel as special anymore because he probably said that to her at the same time he said it to me.
Author lovesicles Posted October 10, 2013 Author Posted October 10, 2013 Sorry.. should've put a question in the initial post. But, I was just wondering if I'm justified in my thinking or am I just over thinking this?
Archanaart Posted October 10, 2013 Posted October 10, 2013 So he was seeing another girl while he was trying to get with you? He doesn't really seem genuine.
todreaminblue Posted October 10, 2013 Posted October 10, 2013 (edited) he broke it off after your first date and as far as i am led to believe you werent exclusive....not a fan of multi daters(too much mixed salaiva possible)plus because you do feel that second best or 61st choice thing happening thats why when i date a guy i let them know they are the only one i am dating if they dont already realize that...i would prefer to know if they are dating others ....if they are, i will bow out...and find someone who might be serious about me not just a relationship with someone..which is i guess the reason why i really only date guys i am truly interested in...i contemplate having a bit fo fun and dating a guy i am not really interested in.....i never do it.....i just cant......i take my time dating and i focus on one...and i have to feel something pretty special even to date.... sounds like after one date his focus is on you ... i would clarify that he is only going to date you...you arent second best if he chose to not date the other girl.....after dating you once..... he did give you a heads up on what he finds important ......you explain how you feel as far as mulit dating goes.....just be honest..hopefully he will be the same..deb Edited October 10, 2013 by todreaminblue
ascendotum Posted October 10, 2013 Posted October 10, 2013 You might be right but I'd say most likely he just 'monkey branched' to you as the better option, and not because his current relationship or option, fell though. He broke up with her (or maybe she with him) straight after your first date. If you were a backup option he likely would have kept you waiting in wings for longer while trying to hang on to her. Even if he had a month break between the ex and you, you still wouldn't know for sure if he really wished he was still with the ex and you were just to fill the void. You can't dwell on what ifs. Lots of people in relationships are likely not their partner's 'nothing can beat this' ideal / first choice. You just can't think about it otherwise it will erode your feelings for him....and you are just guessing. Just go on his actions how he treats you going forward. 2
Joaquin Posted October 10, 2013 Posted October 10, 2013 So he dated you while he had been seeing another girl. Should the issue be more that you just found out that he cheated on his ex? (Presuming that since he was with her for a few months he was probably exclusive, yet thought it ok to date other women I.e you).
Author lovesicles Posted October 10, 2013 Author Posted October 10, 2013 I should clarify that they were not boyfriend/girlfriend, they just were dating non-exclusively.
ThatMan Posted October 10, 2013 Posted October 10, 2013 I'm probably going to get some flak for this but hear me out - then maybe open some dialog with your boyfriend about this for clarification on what he thinks,rather than rely on the input of total strangers on the internet. Let me get this straight: Dating? Dating as in going out into the world and meeting new people? Meeting new people, learning about them, and deciding whether or not you value them and their friendship? There's a big difference between being somebody's backup plan versus being the special somebody who he chose to be with because he just appreciates you. Picture this - I'm a man who actively practices celibacy. I ask people if they want to grab a cup of coffee with me all the time. I simply meet new people and learn more about them. If there's a person who I really want to pursue a relationship with, and I even decide to stop speaking with to everyone else, why does there need to be a negative connotation attached? There's no right or wrong way to feel, emotions are simply what they are. But if you are unable to open some dialog with your boyfriend about this, then how can you really know for sure how special you are to him? 1
Vyliss Posted October 10, 2013 Posted October 10, 2013 Personally You should be flattered he dumped her to go out with you, if after a few month he could that quickly drop her for you (after one date) that means your one date made more of an impression on him than the few months or whatever with that other girl. Get it? In his eyes you're 10x better. Stop being insecure and enjoy it instead.
tylerj Posted October 10, 2013 Posted October 10, 2013 From a male perspective I see this completely differently to you. To me it doesn't imply you were his backup, in fact it almost implies that the other person he was dating was not panning out as a long-term option and he was looking for something / someone better to come along. Not trying to treat you as an object, but you are that 'something better'. I think he was being honest because he's trying to be sincere with you and say 'look, I was dating someone else but it didn't pan out and after 1 date with you I knew that you were worth persuing exclusively. Maybe I'm too optimistic, but that's just my perspective.
soccerrprp Posted October 10, 2013 Posted October 10, 2013 From a male perspective I see this completely differently to you. To me it doesn't imply you were his backup, in fact it almost implies that the other person he was dating was not panning out as a long-term option and he was looking for something / someone better to come along. Not trying to treat you as an object, but you are that 'something better'. I think he was being honest because he's trying to be sincere with you and say 'look, I was dating someone else but it didn't pan out and after 1 date with you I knew that you were worth persuing exclusively. Maybe I'm too optimistic, but that's just my perspective. I agree with this. You met him while he was already, non-exclusively (he says) dating someone else. When you meet someone who multi-dates, they have someone else in tow, so if he was not exclusive, he was fine. HE CHOSE YOU! As he put it, as soon as someone better (you) came along, he bailed on the other girl. Feel special, well, you could, but you could also be thinking, well, if he could dump this other girl, then it could happen to me if and when he finds someone better. Actions speak much louder than words.... How long have you been dating him now and have you had the exclusive talk?
Author lovesicles Posted October 10, 2013 Author Posted October 10, 2013 Thank you everyone for the insight.. I guess I am over thinking this and being way too insecure. We've been dating a week now and have been exclusive for two. On the second date, we have the exclusivity talk and both agreed that we were not planning on seeing other people. He always makes a point that he is a "one woman man." I guess that is considered to be moving fast but we've really clicked and talk on the phone every night, so we've got to know each other quite well in the past month that we've been dating.
headinthecloud Posted October 10, 2013 Posted October 10, 2013 (edited) I should clarify that they were not boyfriend/girlfriend, they just were dating non-exclusively. That's what he tells you, but it may not be true. I was dating a guy "exclusively" (his request) and later found out he was still on dating sites with active profiles. Even after confronting him about he didnt take them down - used a lame excuse too "I paid for a year subscription just before we met." He used to tell me everyday, "Hi beautiful". Trust was gone after that. Don't be tricked by a "confession", he sounds like a cheater who pretends to be honest. My guy also said he was a "one woman man" but 3mos into our relationship he confessed that he felt it was ok to cheat under certain circumstances. Dating 2 weeks and claiming exclusivity seems a tad fast. Don't ignore red flags. Edited October 10, 2013 by headinthecloud 2
truth_seeker Posted November 7, 2013 Posted November 7, 2013 I would be cautious - that is my advice. When people make it a point to try and convince you with words, ie, "one woman man", that's a warning sign for me. Why the constant talk? Seems like manipulation tactics. I think he is testing you, likes you but likes the fact he could manipulate you, and wants to get in your head to control you. He may have chose you, but it could be for the wrong reasons...
start at the end Posted November 7, 2013 Posted November 7, 2013 We've been dating a week now and have been exclusive for two. On the second date, we have the exclusivity talk and both agreed that we were not planning on seeing other people. He always makes a point that he is a "one woman man." I guess that is considered to be moving fast but we've really clicked and talk on the phone every night, so we've got to know each other quite well in the past month that we've been dating. I'm finding this timeline quite confusing... But if he dropped the other girl after his first date with you, I don't think you have anything to worry about. It sounds like he chose to be with you.
headinthecloud Posted November 7, 2013 Posted November 7, 2013 (edited) Focus on building trust in you relationship. Edited November 7, 2013 by headinthecloud
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