una_lala Posted October 10, 2013 Posted October 10, 2013 Hi everyone! I'm new here and so thankful to have found this forum and to be able to communicate with people in the same situation as me. I have been reading many of your stories and can feel for you. I read the terminology thread.. so many acronyms..LOL. I may forget some of it until I get used to it.. so please excuse me if I am wordy : ) Now a short background. I wont go into great detail because so much of my story is similar to may of you.. I am a MOW who has been seeing a MM for almost 6 years. Started out as a platonic friendship that grew into love. Both myself and MOM love our spouses. I know I know.. but we do. They are good people. Wasn't planned, just progressed.. obviously we were missing things in our marriages that we found in each other. Some people ask "why didn't you just work on what was missing in the marriage?" But sometimes you don't know that you are missing something until it comes along. I make no excuses for our choices. We both felt it was wrong but we enjoyed the feelings we gave each other and we were selfish and it just went on. Now, so many years down the road, we are truly in love with each other. Years ago we had agreed that our family life would always come first and that we would never disrupt each others lives or cause each others spouses pain. We protected each other. We are both older so our kids are grown and we have have a few grand-children. I have been married 19 years and he for 29. I am in my early 40's and he early 60's.. yes he is about 20 years older. Anyway.. time rolls on and we want to be together and I guess the desire just made it more obvious and made us take more chances. I guess his wife had suspected for a while but she just came out and ask him today.. he admitted everything.. the whole 6 years. He told her he loved me and it was not just a fling. Well now everything seems different. I am scared to death.. all the "what if" questions are going through my head. I'm not sure what to do at all. I love this man. I want to be with him. I just don't know how to do it in a way that won't hurt so many others. Ugh.. I just want to go back to hiding. I feel like everything is about to change.. ground shaking beneath my feet. Well I feel better just getting it off my chest. MOM is dealing with all this the next few days and we won't get to speak until Saturday so I am just going crazy.
2sunny Posted October 10, 2013 Posted October 10, 2013 Get ready for your husband to find out. Since you want the OM - just tell your husband - at LEAST respect him at THIS point enough to be the one to tell him YOUR truth. 5
underwater2010 Posted October 10, 2013 Posted October 10, 2013 I agree with 2sunny....come clean while you have the chance. I gave her two weeks and then then told him. 1
Cali408 Posted October 10, 2013 Posted October 10, 2013 You know, when I read stuff like this, I get disgusted with myself because I was the same way. I'm mad that I was in such a fog that I rationalized this. Welcome to the forum. The contradiction here, that you will never see as long as you are with him is that you are both causing pain to your spouses. By not giving them your 100%. You've already done it. Second, you are going to cause incredible pain to all around you for your own selfishness. I don't care if someone is 8, 18, or 28, when your parents break up it's traumatizing. They will resent you. Your AP kids, grandkids will HATE you. Do you understand this? Your selfishness is going to be a scorched Earth of collateral damage. But you'll be happy. How is your marriage? Without considering the AP, how is it? Also, he is 20 years older than you. People age and slow down while you'll still be vibrant in your 50's and 60's, he'll be in his 70's and 80's Wake up and smell the coffee. You are being selfish. Please don't make this mistake. And if you choose to be selfish, we'll see how long your love will survive 2 divorces, guilt, legal fees, alimony 1% of all affairs become long term relationships. But I know for sure yours is different. Right? 2
whichwayisup Posted October 10, 2013 Posted October 10, 2013 I love this man. I want to be with him. I just don't know how to do it in a way that won't hurt so many others. Since he confessed to his wife, you need to confess to your husband before his wife calls your H and tells him of the affair. you can tell your H you want a divorce since you want to be with MM now and not him. There is NO possible way of doing this without hurting innocent people. Fact. 1
Goodbye Posted October 10, 2013 Posted October 10, 2013 I'm sorry you are in that "calm before the storm" place, it must be scary as hell. I understand you want what you want and you want it without hurting others. This isn't going to happen and you need to accept it and just brace yourself that there IS going to be a turbulent period of your life coming. You should be honest with your H. I don't see how you have any other choice, frankly. Generally men are the "cake eaters," want their affair and want the homelife to be normal simultaneously. It doesn't work forever. Please keep us posted. You have a rocky road ahead, hope it goes as smoothly as possible. 1
Goodbye Posted October 10, 2013 Posted October 10, 2013 Unless the wife is an old fart and the OW a young babe. Then, there is no cake eating; he wants to trade the old one for a new one. I would argue that plenty of men would still prefer to have both the old fart and the young babe so that marital assets and custody do not need to be divided. But we digress...
SidLyon Posted October 10, 2013 Posted October 10, 2013 I'm a BW in my mid 50s. Probably not much younger than your MM's wife. The MOW was about 15 years younger than me. Pretty well the first thing I would have done would be to contact the MOW's own husband. Given that he'd just died, I substituted the couple's adult son and the dead BH's parents. This is to let the affair relationship "see the light of day". If the affair couple are so great together, eg "soulmates", "meant to be", the love of each other's lives" etc then there should be no problem in telling the world. Strangely neither my WH nor the OW appreciated that all the people they'd betrayed found out (apart from the dead BH of course). The point of what I said above is that it's on the cards that your own WH and likely adult children are going to find out PDQ. So no good mooning around until Saturday. I suggest you come clean to your H, and work out where you might be living next week, rather than focusing on how your MM and his BW are dealing with the situation. That is, if your WH decides to throw you out. On the other hand your WH may want to keep the marriage, in which case you may be asked to decide quite quickly whether you want to remain married to him or not; and most likely a condition will be that you end the affair and have no further contact (called "NC") with your affair partner. What exactly do you want out of this? Now is your opportunity to get what you want for your life, but it's unlikely to be both marriage and affair. If your H would consent to this then it means he doesn't care any more, and like as not will be pursuing his own affairs, after all I guess you haven't paid a lot of attention to what he's been up to in the last 6 years. You've only posted once so I hope you're still reading. Good luck!
AlwaysGrowing Posted October 11, 2013 Posted October 11, 2013 Often after a storm...there is nothing left but destruction. Be prepared for that. 2
Author una_lala Posted October 11, 2013 Author Posted October 11, 2013 to those of you who said "tell you husband - at least respect him enough to do that" - well I'm not sure how much respect it is showing to tell him something he likely already knows. I'm not sure what the best route is right now or what to do. I did not post my entire life story and obviously some details of a 19 year marriage are left out. Long story short - hubby would not be surprised about this. I am about 90 % sure that has has known for a few years. It is one of those things that is felt but not spoken about. Our marriage is more of a partnership than a marriage and it has been for years, even before MOM. I had no intimate relations with my husband for a year before even meeting MOM and not since.. going on about 7 years now. We all have our reasons for things and my marriage is not conventional. I sometimes stay at a girlfriends house overnight and for several nights in a row. I technically still live with hubby but I also live with a friend. And to a few of the other comments.. I'm sorry but I have not learned to use the quote feature yet. Ill work on that. Anyway.. the age is not an issue. I don't think you can use blanket statement or assumptions about age. MOM looks 20 years younger than he is. He takes very good care of himself and works out every day. I think he is better looking and healthier than a few men I know who smoke and drink and don't exercise and are way younger. There are no guarantees in life. I love my hubby as a person and hate to hurt him. I pay half the bills, he is not going to just tell me to never come back.. he kinda needs me, which is one of the reasons I stay. If he did, I could live with that. My biggest concern is more about the kids than the two BS.. even though the kids are grown, I know this will freak them out. I just have to decide if I owe my happiness to anyone other than myself. I have given half my life to caring for children, parents and a spouse.. and did so gladly. I am just in a different place now in my life and I do not feel obligated to make other peoples expectations my reality. Everyone involved is a grown up. Okay enough now. Thanks for all of your replies.
Goodbye Posted October 11, 2013 Posted October 11, 2013 to those of you who said "tell you husband - at least respect him enough to do that" - well I'm not sure how much respect it is showing to tell him something he likely already knows. I'm not sure what the best route is right now or what to do. I did not post my entire life story and obviously some details of a 19 year marriage are left out. Long story short - hubby would not be surprised about this. I am about 90 % sure that has has known for a few years. It is one of those things that is felt but not spoken about. Our marriage is more of a partnership than a marriage and it has been for years, even before MOM. I had no intimate relations with my husband for a year before even meeting MOM and not since.. going on about 7 years now. We all have our reasons for things and my marriage is not conventional. I sometimes stay at a girlfriends house overnight and for several nights in a row. I technically still live with hubby but I also live with a friend. And to a few of the other comments.. I'm sorry but I have not learned to use the quote feature yet. Ill work on that. Anyway.. the age is not an issue. I don't think you can use blanket statement or assumptions about age. MOM looks 20 years younger than he is. He takes very good care of himself and works out every day. I think he is better looking and healthier than a few men I know who smoke and drink and don't exercise and are way younger. There are no guarantees in life. I love my hubby as a person and hate to hurt him. I pay half the bills, he is not going to just tell me to never come back.. he kinda needs me, which is one of the reasons I stay. If he did, I could live with that. My biggest concern is more about the kids than the two BS.. even though the kids are grown, I know this will freak them out. I just have to decide if I owe my happiness to anyone other than myself. I have given half my life to caring for children, parents and a spouse.. and did so gladly. I am just in a different place now in my life and I do not feel obligated to make other peoples expectations my reality. Everyone involved is a grown up. Okay enough now. Thanks for all of your replies. So separating and divorcing shouldn't be a big deal, right? You guys are just buds...you can remain friends. Your grown kids are just an excuse, a weak one. 2
Cali408 Posted October 11, 2013 Posted October 11, 2013 It all makes sense now. So your marriage isn't great, but has the other wife been blindsided? Or does she think everything in her marriage was okay? Go for it! You only live once and you deserve to be happy. When it falls apart within the next 2 years and you're picking up the pieces of heartbreak and resentfulness from absorption with yourself, don't say we didn't try and help you. 1
underwater2010 Posted October 11, 2013 Posted October 11, 2013 to those of you who said "tell you husband - at least respect him enough to do that" - well I'm not sure how much respect it is showing to tell him something he likely already knows. I'm not sure what the best route is right now or what to do. I did not post my entire life story and obviously some details of a 19 year marriage are left out. Long story short - hubby would not be surprised about this. I am about 90 % sure that has has known for a few years. It is one of those things that is felt but not spoken about. Our marriage is more of a partnership than a marriage and it has been for years, even before MOM. I had no intimate relations with my husband for a year before even meeting MOM and not since.. going on about 7 years now. We all have our reasons for things and my marriage is not conventional. I sometimes stay at a girlfriends house overnight and for several nights in a row. I technically still live with hubby but I also live with a friend. And to a few of the other comments.. I'm sorry but I have not learned to use the quote feature yet. Ill work on that. Anyway.. the age is not an issue. I don't think you can use blanket statement or assumptions about age. MOM looks 20 years younger than he is. He takes very good care of himself and works out every day. I think he is better looking and healthier than a few men I know who smoke and drink and don't exercise and are way younger. There are no guarantees in life. I love my hubby as a person and hate to hurt him. I pay half the bills, he is not going to just tell me to never come back.. he kinda needs me, which is one of the reasons I stay. If he did, I could live with that. My biggest concern is more about the kids than the two BS.. even though the kids are grown, I know this will freak them out. I just have to decide if I owe my happiness to anyone other than myself. I have given half my life to caring for children, parents and a spouse.. and did so gladly. I am just in a different place now in my life and I do not feel obligated to make other peoples expectations my reality. Everyone involved is a grown up. Okay enough now. Thanks for all of your replies. It doesn't matter if your marriage is more of a partnership then a love story. He is going to find out and your best bet is come clean before he does. If you truly think he is getting his own on the side then things might be just fine for you. He might just agree to an open marriage. That way you can both find happiness and keep things status quo at home. I will tell you that I have found cheating spouses tend to deflect towards their betrayed. It is one of the many red flags given to a BS. That is being accused of cheating too. Either way you know my opinion and that is to come clean ASAP. Good luck.
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