Friggia Posted October 10, 2013 Posted October 10, 2013 Today I had the thought in my head that it had been three full days since I last put a stop to contacting him, and thought "Hey, for all of the mental sludge I've been forced to deal with that's pretty good, looks like progress. Maybe I can do this after all." Went to email, pulled up the last email I sent asking for no contact from him. One. Whole. Day. I felt crushed. I couldn't believe how much time I had overestimated. I really thought it had been three days. Time lag on no contact is really unpleasant. Guess I'll just have to try and sludge through a few more. Can't imagine what a week will feel like. Oh wait, it's now midnight where I live, so 2 days. Yes (fist pump). 1
JoelBarish Posted October 10, 2013 Posted October 10, 2013 Today I had the thought in my head that it had been three full days since I last put a stop to contacting him, and thought "Hey, for all of the mental sludge I've been forced to deal with that's pretty good, looks like progress. Maybe I can do this after all." Went to email, pulled up the last email I sent asking for no contact from him. One. Whole. Day. I felt crushed. I couldn't believe how much time I had overestimated. I really thought it had been three days. Time lag on no contact is really unpleasant. Guess I'll just have to try and sludge through a few more. Can't imagine what a week will feel like. Oh wait, it's now midnight where I live, so 2 days. Yes (fist pump). Lol grieving can be like watching paint dry....it drags on and on...
Author Friggia Posted October 10, 2013 Author Posted October 10, 2013 I know, it was a total "WTF?!?!?" moment. I'm smiling about it now. It's like I all of a sudden exist in a different dimension of time just because I put no contact in place. And I used to be very good at estimating the time due to the nature of my previous job. But another thing that will keep me going through the first week will be knowing that once I get onto a rhythm, I'll probably be okay. For example, when I changed my diet away from gluten and other nasty things, yeah, it was hard the first couple of weeks. But once I really started noticing how much better I felt, I could look at any slice of bread or cookie and say, "you know, this really isn't worth it. I don't want this anymore." Sure, doing this with a boyfriend is way harder (obviously its different). But the same principle applies, in that if I keep making progress I'll be less inclined to reverse all that hard work.
Author Friggia Posted October 10, 2013 Author Posted October 10, 2013 And right now, technically, my boyfriend doesn't know that I'm trying to extricate myself from the relationship unless he does something drastic. I instituted no contact because I need to focus on getting a project done without all his crap.
JoelBarish Posted October 10, 2013 Posted October 10, 2013 And right now, technically, my boyfriend doesn't know that I'm trying to extricate myself from the relationship unless he does something drastic. I instituted no contact because I need to focus on getting a project done without all his crap. He doesn't know? NC is for you. It doesn't matter if "he knows". You don't have to flash a big neon sign saying "I'm not contacting you anymore so what do you think of that?"
Author Friggia Posted October 10, 2013 Author Posted October 10, 2013 Might as well post another one today before I get out there and face the world again. It was evident that he got very anxious about a message I left for him on his phone two days ago asking him to call me back so we could talk. I dialed back the emotion considerable from the previous night, where I couldn't sleep and called him three times throughout the night sobbing and begging for him to just hold me until all the bad feelings I had about him being in his own little world magically dissolved (he told me he doesn't want to break up with me but due to work and other reasons we've sort of been long distance and I've reacted badly to that, long story). Looking back, it was pathetic on my part but it led to an all-consuming epiphany the next afternoon because everything I'd done up to that point hadn't been working for me at getting me what I've been begging and pleading for. He was a good sport about it and told me he understood my neediness. One thing I had asked for was to meet eachother in a city halfway, and he agreed to it even though he has work the next day. He also offered to put his mother who is staying with him up in a hotel so I could come there and be alone with him. We mutually agreed on the first option and I tearfully went to sleep. The next morning, I was like "whyyyyyyyy did I do that, now I have to cancel. It's taking time out from my responsibilities for something stupid that won't help any if us anyway." This thought in turn led to other thoughts, and I decided I'd call and break up with him. He's at work so it went to voice mail. I rarely ever leave a message when I call people, so right there he knew something had changed. He demanded that I text him what is up. I told him it felt impersonal, and he said he didn't mind and again implored me. I walked away from my phone. When I came back there were five calls and three additional texts with a desperate tone I haven't seen from him in a while. Walked away again. Two hours later he texted "You don't want me to come?" Responded to that with the no contact email saying I needed to get my work done before deadline and his issues were distracting me too much. I'm glad it went to voice mail and that I didn't actually break up with him. I don't want him to think I am that impulsive and I think it's better to take it slow and see what he does. Whoo, that was my first chapter. Chapter 2 will delve into what exactly he did to make me feel this way.
Author Friggia Posted October 10, 2013 Author Posted October 10, 2013 He doesn't know? NC is for you. It doesn't matter if "he knows". You don't have to flash a big neon sign saying "I'm not contacting you anymore so what do you think of that?" Ha, don't worry, I didn't flash the neon sign. I gave him the option of "having the last word if he felt like it." It really was all about me though. I actually had two very good people proofread it. 1
Author Friggia Posted October 12, 2013 Author Posted October 12, 2013 I'm now four hours into a "new day," which is day 4. This just crazy sucks. I want to go into a coma for the rest of the month at least until my new job starts. I want all my current freelance work to be finished just so I can really escape somewhere before I have to start a new job in a new state potentially without him. Currently he's the reason I'm lagging behind- just don't have the energy from dealing with him. Late last month we argued over chat and it caused me to go no contact (didn't tell him) for seven days..... that's the longest I could hold out. I hate how much we are fighting and how he actually thinks it would accomplish nothing to talk to me since it "rarely ever goes well." I want off this roller coaster, I hate roller coasters. I went back to the chat where I broke no contact after seven days because I wanted to know why he wasn't reaching out. I hate that he's so distant and isn't pulling any weight. I know I need to push a reset button on the dynamics of the relationship (I'm working hard, he's depressed over many things in his life and just looks like a glazed over zombie - completely recognizable as the man I love). He said, among other things, "I've been horribly depressed all week, just waited for you to text me but nothing." Yeah, horribly depressed, what else is new? I've been so bored with you in the past, why can't I be this way now? I've thrown up my hands but I still just can't quite let go for now. I just want my best friend back. I want the love of my life back and I want him back the way he used to be. I also want to punish him for the way he's been treating me. I don't know how to get my feelings in control so I can finally have the upper hand. Sometimes I do but times like these really, really try my patience and I want desperately to reach out. But I know I just can't ever do that if I really want to have a chance of getting what I want.
Author Friggia Posted October 12, 2013 Author Posted October 12, 2013 I spent an hour writing fake emails to him (that are addressed to me so there's never a chance of actually sending any), responding to imaginary scenarios that I pick at random. Mostly about me rejecting him and telling him he can't come live with me at my new job. That kind of helps. I just keep doing it and doing it because I don't know what else to do.
Author Friggia Posted October 12, 2013 Author Posted October 12, 2013 Sigh, too wound up to sleep. Things I do that are helping: 1. Perusing and posting here 2. Writing emails that will never get sent 3. Compiling a list of inspirational, meaningful and positive things 4. Work (sometimes) 5. Spending time with my sister and my parents 6. Swimming at the rec center Things that are not helping: 1. Reading posts on here from people who are still bent out of shape about breaking up with their exes after several months-years. 2. Probably checking my phone and email more than I should. 3. Feeling like I'm doing this to punish him. The anger here is not helpful. 4. Getting behind on my work. Just can't focus very well.
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