Is there a way to NOT dream, or get something/someone out of your head?

[jcweik]

I've been apart from my ex (Whom i love with all my heart, still) for over 8 months now. I'll be fine for a few weeks then boom, she jumps into my dreams for a month straight, everynight. I wake up and night and feel very bad, and rush back to sleep in hopes that i see her again. I wake up usually 6-10 times a night, everynight. I lay there and cry until i go back to sleep. This is not normal for me. I cry over nothing. I know this all sounds realy pathetic, but i can not help it. What do i do?

[Naive]

Maybe you have to start seeing other people and that will help you out. It's never easy to forget someone who means a lot to you, sometimes you don't forget them, but it should not be to the point where you wake up in the middle of the night and cry. Specially not after 8 months. Of course they are always going to be in your head and heart, but it should not be something that even bothers your sleep. Try hanging out with new people and getting your head off of her.

[moon]

The only healer I've seen is time. How much time is nobody's guess. I think 8 months is long enough to fall in love and really miss somebody when they're gone (disagree with other poster about that). But you should focus on what was wrong with the relationship. What was right doesn't matter anymore. Sure you probably shared many great times together, but try to focus on the fights or the horrible way you felt when your ex dumped you (if that happened). Keep things in perspective. I think what happens sometimes is we romantisize about the past---as if it was just heavenly. When maybe you are just forgetting about all the times your ex criticized you, made you feel bad, was late for a date, flirted with your best friend, borrowed money and didn't pay it back, lost their job due to laziness........whatever I am sure there were problems with the person. So make a list of those.

 

Only time and no contact can help you truly make peace with the situation. You just have to realize that there is somebody else out there that is better for you. Your ex came to that conclusion......and you should too. It sucks to convince yourself of that.

 

Good luck. Try therapy if you feel an obsession growing about your ex. That can never be good. But remember that love is a form of obsession.

 

Give yourself all the time and pity you need to get over your ex. But if YOU (!!) feel it has been too long and you are dwelling on it too much, then get some help. No sense spending your life dreaming and missing a person who'll never return to you. You don't want to waste your life on dreams and fantasy!

[SpaceCoyote]

I think the original poster meant they have been separated from their ex for 8 months, not that it was the length of the relationship.

 

Anyway, let me first say that I don't think you are pathetic. I haven't been ashamed to admit I have been a regular crier myself since my ex left. It's therapeutic and letting out whatever you feel inside yourself is certainly a lot healthier than bottling it up. My philosophy is, it's not like someone is watching you do it (or shouldn't be, most of the time ) And thinking about your ex and remembering her in a good way is also not unusual, especially if you cared for her an awful lot while you were together. BUT, I'll add that if it affects your ability to sleep, then you may have a problem. If waking up 6-10 times a night is not normal for you, that might be something you want to run past your doctor. It sounds like you just haven't gotten over her yet, and need to give it more time and no contact, as Moon said.

 

Moon: that's great advice about making a list of bad things, and I am going to try that for myself. I have been thinking too much about the good moments in the past and only thinking of my ex within that context, and thus tend to have an idealized vision of her. I need to think more about the bad parts of our relationship, and hopefully that helps me reconcile with her being gone.

[jcweik]

Yes, we are together for longer then 8 months. Thats how long we've been seperated. We were together for 3 yrs almost.

 

You tell me to look at the bad things she did, I seriously can not think of anything. I was a jerk to her and she was smart so she left me. I have reasoning behind my being mean though. My first gf i ever had i was realy realy nice too, and she turned around and cheated on me. So with my past ex (whom i loved greater then the first girl) I thought that if i tryed to control her that i could keep her that way. It didn't work. Only pushed her away. And now i don't know how to go about getting back with her and showing her that im not realy a jerk.

 

She has to still have something for me, she calls me at 4 am sometimes, but i was never home when she did call.

 

 

*Edit* Lastnight she invited MY friend, Not a mutual friend, but my friend to a party that she was going too. I had my friend call her (stupid reasons, i wont get into that, was alittle liquored up) and she invited him to a party.

[moon]

Hum...well that is different all together Jcweik. So you didn't treat her right and she left you? But still tries to maintain some sort of contact with talking to your friends, etc. If she really wanted to be out of the picture, she probably wouldn't contact friends of yourse. Have you tried really talking to her and telling her how you feel? Like do you remind her that you were the jerk and she didn't deserve that treatment? Did you tell her that you treated your last girlfriend so well that she went off and cheated on you (which by the way doesn't make sense)? Let's go back to that last one. Your last girlfriend didn't cheat on you because you were too good to her. Maybe you were too loose at setting boundaries and let her walk all over you........but did you ever say, "hey do as you please, if you want another man then just go ahead and I'll be waiting right here when you get back?" I imagine you didn't do that. Your last girlfriend cheated on you because she was a lying, cheating woman....not because of YOU! If she just didn't like you she would have broken up with you and then taken up with somebody else. Do you think all women who have cheating husbands or boyfriends let them go ahead and cheat?! No, no, no. So you should stop putting that in your head. You didn't deserve to be cheated on by your last girlfriend.....unless you were carrying on with somebody else, too.

 

Anyway, so you've learned your lessons and you still want your ex back? I don't know. Why hasn't she taken you back yet? I think most women would like to hear an ex admit to wrong doing and to beg them to take them back (unless it's after they have cheated). Did you go so overboard with treating her bad that she can't take you back because she feels you really damaged her self esteem and she can't trust you anymore? What has she said?

 

If she is at all interested in talking with you.....and you feel you understand what you really did wrong to her and she was very good to you............then I might try to convey this to her. If she still isn't listening I'd move on.

 

Good luck. You sound like a man very much in love. I hope you can find someway to win her back. If not....there are lots of fish in the sea.

[moon]

Hum...well that is different all together Jcweik. So you didn't treat her right and she left you? But still tries to maintain some sort of contact with talking to your friends, etc. If she really wanted to be out of the picture, she probably wouldn't contact friends of yourse. Have you tried really talking to her and telling her how you feel? Like do you remind her that you were the jerk and she didn't deserve that treatment? Did you tell her that you treated your last girlfriend so well that she went off and cheated on you (which by the way doesn't make sense)? Let's go back to that last one. Your last girlfriend didn't cheat on you because you were too good to her. Maybe you were too loose at setting boundaries and let her walk all over you........but did you ever say, "hey do as you please, if you want another man then just go ahead and I'll be waiting right here when you get back?" I imagine you didn't do that. Your last girlfriend cheated on you because she was a lying, cheating woman....not because of YOU! If she just didn't like you she would have broken up with you and then taken up with somebody else. Do you think all women who have cheating husbands or boyfriends let them go ahead and cheat?! No, no, no. So you should stop putting that in your head. You didn't deserve to be cheated on by your last girlfriend.....unless you were carrying on with somebody else, too.

 

Anyway, so you've learned your lessons and you still want your ex back? I don't know. Why hasn't she taken you back yet? I think most women would like to hear an ex admit to wrong doing and to beg them to take them back (unless it's after they have cheated). Did you go so overboard with treating her bad that she can't take you back because she feels you really damaged her self esteem and she can't trust you anymore? What has she said?

 

If she is at all interested in talking with you.....and you feel you understand what you really did wrong to her and she was very good to you............then I might try to convey this to her. If she still isn't listening I'd move on.

 

Good luck. You sound like a man very much in love. I hope you can find someway to win her back. If not....there are lots of fish in the sea.