I am questioning if I'm crazy...

[TrappedWanderer]

Oh, me too...my husband is everyone's best friend, the nicest guy..."snowed" is exactly the word people are using now that I'm slowly telling others what's been going on.

 

By the "nice guys" comment, I meant me...I guess I should have said nice girls

[Yarrow]

Nice guy? Never again. My husband was charming at first. He still considers himself a nice guy. Forget it. If I ever marry again, it will not be to a "nice guy". It will be to a good man.

[bentleychic]

(((Coming In Hot))) it is toxic. It does exhaust you. I remember I would be fine if the kids and I went out and about somewhere, but the moment we walked in the house when exH was there, it felt like this huge shadow of gloom just drained us of everything.

 

Raving for hours is not normal. Or okay.

 

I wish you luck, strength and peace getting out. Being a single parent is hard, I won't kid you, but it's no where near as hard as what I dealt with being married to someone like that for so many years. (Mine was physical, too, but mostly emotional/screaming/degrading.)

[bentleychic]

velvette,

Yes but in counseling he would deflect questions Not dealing w/his A as Not on topic or as we say here "T/J".

 

Yes, he "promised" never to rage on me again... you know, "I'm so sorry baby, I know it hurts you and I know I shouldn't do it but but now that "we" have worked through the why I had to yell at you, you won't do those things again so I can promise never to yell at you again"

 

Yet tonight he is SO very loving and wonderful and so concerned and thankful I wasn't hurt and genuinely scared that I could've been hurt!

Classic abuser. Oh my.

 

I promise you...PROMISE...if your kids are witnessing this, too, they will thank you. Mine did. They do not like going to their dads now b/c he is still the same (after a short stint of "trying to be a better dad"). Thankfully for them (?) he's not a very involved dad and only chooses to have them one day every other w/end.

[bentleychic]

Bolded....you can't win. This is why he will always want you. In a sick way, you're safe. Good news... Once you leave, that power is gone.

 

My stbx tried raging at me once after I'd left. I simply walked to the front door of my former home, turned to him and said, "I don't live here anymore so I don't have to listen to this crap" and walked out the door.

 

Happy days are ahead.

That's gold, isn't it? I remember a few months ago, exH was here...cannot remember if he dropped off kids or what, but he started in. I told him I no longer HAD to take that, I no longer WOULD and he could kindly show his own @$$ out the door as that was NOT allowed in MY house.

[ComingInHot]

bentleychic, thanks for your supportive words. Both of our kids have called FOUL on his treatment of me. My H acknowledges he would "kill" any man that treated our daughter that way. Yet, no change or at least he's given up. I don't know.

 

It was SO GREAT for a long time!!

 

I'm not so much afraid of being a single Mom, Or of hard work. It's the position he has created for me financially that really scares me. But... I allowed it. Kind of like Rear-ending someone , depending on the circumstance, the front driver could have "helped" you rear end him But, in the end, it is the fault of the car behind...

 

I just well, I AM going to create peace in our family. Without him. I truly hope he can find his own peace then gift that to himself and even (if God deems) another lady*

 

Note; meeting scheduled w/lawyer Thursday. Bittersweet.

[bentleychic]

bentleychic, thanks for your supportive words. Both of our kids have called FOUL on his treatment of me. My H acknowledges he would "kill" any man that treated our daughter that way. Yet, no change or at least he's given up. I don't know.

 

It was SO GREAT for a long time!!

 

I'm not so much afraid of being a single Mom, Or of hard work. It's the position he has created for me financially that really scares me. But... I allowed it. Kind of like Rear-ending someone , depending on the circumstance, the front driver could have "helped" you rear end him But, in the end, it is the fault of the car behind...

 

I just well, I AM going to create peace in our family. Without him. I truly hope he can find his own peace then gift that to himself and even (if God deems) another lady*

 

Note; meeting scheduled w/lawyer Thursday. Bittersweet.

My oldest (late teens) told exH before I left that once he turned 18, he no longer wanted to see him ever again. He was disowning him. You would think it would be a wake up call and it was very temporarily, but it didn't last. The honeymoon stage of abuse rarely does.

 

Something that surprised me on the financial end...I'm better off financially now than I was when we were together. Even though we made quite a bit more together. I KNOW where the money is going now AND he has to pay child support since I have primary custody.

 

You can do it. I can tell you are a strong woman. You've already been through hell and back. You've got this!

[hollyhillcourt]

So, it's no secret that my H has anger management issues and he did have an A.

 

Things were better for a long time. I was trusting him again and working together was well, working.

I was So close to working off the debts that I didn't know the Company had, and my credit score was fi ally a B+ again.

I finally felt like our relationship was more that of a team rather than him being the Overload LOOKING for mistakes so he could unleash.

 

Then, w/out prior knowledge I found myself in a worse position than before. Something that never should have happened Did and he gave me like twenty reasons why it happened and why it wasn't His fault...

 

This last week, we've been under enormous amounts of stress and he started unleashing on me verbally/emotionally. At least that how it feels to me.

 

So I ask, Three hours of screaming, cussing, rampaging at me because I didn't know my cell was down while I was working (the job of 4 full time employees and that's not an exaggeration*) and I had forgotten to deliver a package that was initially his responsibility then gave to.

At first, I tried to explain that this was not a priority and although I did forget, the job would get done, but he was having none of it.

 

This IS abuse right? Being somebody's verbal punching bag like this Is wrong correct? My friends believe he systematically and maliciously planned to pull the stunt w/our business w/my name on the line, so he could gain control once again over me.

 

I also don't know what kind of things I can do to do anything prouctive. About this.

And honestly, I'm tired.

 

Oh, man. I am just now catching up on LS after a self-imposed exile.

 

I am sorry to hear this CIH.

 

And here is the most important reason why - I have read a lot of your posts because you are wise, you cut through the crap, and offer sound advice and reasoning. Are you a Taurus? Kidding.

 

I'm sending warm, positive thoughts your way strong, strong woman.

[ComingInHot]

Thanks HollyHill*

[2sunny]

Thanks KathyM*

It's frustrating understanding & knowing what I do of the two dynamics between the abuser and victim. I Do experience what the victim feels and thinks only Now I have to be strong enough to Not enable the cycle to continue and literally change my pattern of thinking. Not always easy.

Not to mention it p*sses me of to realize that I am even IN this stupid stitch!

 

As for staying to continue in this, I am putting a plan in place as well as building a case so when the time comes, Everything happens at once allowing me to be safeER to begin the Hard work of stabalizing my life, finding work, and giving or children all that they are going to need to get through this as well.

 

The Whole thing is SO stupid. All because someone claims they can't control themselves but can control Everyone and Everything else!

Just Stupid.

 

It's more than changing your thinking - it is about changing YOUR actions.

 

You know HE isn't planning to change - so that change must come from you.

 

Get a plan of action to change everything - and take steps to make it happen.

[ComingInHot]

2 Sunny,

Spot on right there!! And is exactly what I AM doing**

[Babolat]

This IS abuse right? Being somebody's verbal punching bag like this Is wrong correct? My friends believe he systematically and maliciously planned to pull the stunt w/our business w/my name on the line, so he could gain control once again over me.

 

I also don't know what kind of things I can do to do anything prouctive. About this.

And honestly, I'm tired.

 

I do not know your history nor have I read this entire thread, the easy answer is yes, this is abuse. I was raised by a step dad who emotionally, verbally and physically abused my mom, so I know. Us kids would beg my mom to leave him, and she would say she was going to, then the next day things were back to "normal" with no explanation from her. As each of us finished high school, we moved out. 40 years later, he is in a senior living facility with dementia, she visits him every day, and even now admits she sahould have left him a looong time ago, but she said she could not.

 

My ex gf was in 4 engagements with verablly, emotionally and physically abusive men so I heard her stories. One put a gun in her mouth and pushed her thru a window. The same one made a lot of controlling statements, especially about their 1 year old daughter, to get at her.

 

It's all about low self estemm, insecurities and CONTROL.

 

I read this book recently :Why Does He Do That?: Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men: Lundy Bancroft: 9780425191651: Amazon.com: Books to get a better understanding of this; why men do this.

 

It's written for women, though it gave me a lot of insite. I highly recommend you read it, and leave him NOW. The overall message in the book is these men do not change...few do, most will not.

Edited October 17, 2013 by Babolat