I am questioning if I'm crazy...

[ComingInHot]

So, it's no secret that my H has anger management issues and he did have an A.

 

Things were better for a long time. I was trusting him again and working together was well, working.

I was So close to working off the debts that I didn't know the Company had, and my credit score was fi ally a B+ again.

I finally felt like our relationship was more that of a team rather than him being the Overload LOOKING for mistakes so he could unleash.

 

Then, w/out prior knowledge I found myself in a worse position than before. Something that never should have happened Did and he gave me like twenty reasons why it happened and why it wasn't His fault...

 

This last week, we've been under enormous amounts of stress and he started unleashing on me verbally/emotionally. At least that how it feels to me.

 

So I ask, Three hours of screaming, cussing, rampaging at me because I didn't know my cell was down while I was working (the job of 4 full time employees and that's not an exaggeration*) and I had forgotten to deliver a package that was initially his responsibility then gave to.

At first, I tried to explain that this was not a priority and although I did forget, the job would get done, but he was having none of it.

 

This IS abuse right? Being somebody's verbal punching bag like this Is wrong correct? My friends believe he systematically and maliciously planned to pull the stunt w/our business w/my name on the line, so he could gain control once again over me.

 

I also don't know what kind of things I can do to do anything prouctive. About this.

And honestly, I'm tired.

[Steen719]

CIH,

Sorry to hear this. I don't remember from your story; was he verbally abusive to you before the affair? Did he get over his AP? I mean, really over? After my XH's first affair, I felt some pretty real anger directed at me and I think it was because he missed her. I should have done something different than accept it, but I didn't and I have no idea of whether your H was angry before then. I do know that, in MY situation, my XH blamed me for a lot of what happened and that really never changed.

 

Are you still happy with the reconciliation in general or have you reconsidered if it was a good idea?

[ComingInHot]

Steen, good questions. This post was hard enough for me to write and share so I think I omitted a-lot, and your wise to ask.

 

He has had anger issues that I did NOT know about for as long as his family has known him. (would have been nice to have been informed Before I M'd him!). He hid this amazingly well until we were M'd. Shortly after, I made him angry, and he freaked on me. Then apologized. I was so young and didn't see what I probably should have.

 

Everything was fine after that until our son was 6 months old. I didn't get to his laundry fast enough and he went off the rails again but really bad. I felt awful. It was all my fault. From then on his temper flaired (sp?) more often. Before I knew it, I was in "the cycle of abuse".

He systematically, separated me from my family and friends. I didn't even see it happening!!

Well, I finally attempted to get my social life back w/family and friends and things detiorated from there.

 

He has Never Hit Me. He's too smart for that...

 

When he's good, he is Wonderful, so our sex life remained/remains 6 -7 times/week.

Then he had an A. I had no clue as between outbursts, and my being accustomed to the verbal and emotional stuff along w/his master manipulation, I was too on edge to notice, but didn't realize I was so jacked up.

 

My H ended the A. exOW outed it to me later then for the past 2.5 years, I have felt peace. And I am stronger now and refuse to put up w/it.

 

He never loved her and I question if he even knows how to love anyone but himself???

 

Do most men scream for HOURS (I mean like 3 to 5 hours) about stuff?

It's Not normal right? Even if I Do forget something once in a while?

[TrappedWanderer]

No, it's not normal.

 

My husband did/does the same. He's always been the nicest guy in the room, easy going-everyone loves him. Then we got married. And he just started EXPLODING. I felt like I was being hit by a tornado-just came out of nowhere. Totally irrational.

 

Then he'll be great. Until something comes up-usually it's when there's some expectation of him, even in the smallest way. He can't handle it. I'm at the point of knowing I have to get out, this is toxic. But it IS hard. You married this person and invested a lot and there are good parts to them.

 

But they have to want to change. And it doesn't sound like your husband does. Mine too has ruined me, financially (though not as badly as you). Listen to those family and friends....I know I'm trying to. You have acted with integrity, remember that. Don't let yourself be sucked back into this-you deserve better.

 

Best of luck! Not an easy road, but I have to believe i leads to somewhere better than here.

[ComingInHot]

Thank you for reaffirming all this is Not normal. Thing is I do make mistakes. (I know hard to believe right!!??! lol)

 

I just can't go back to this cycle again.

I'm smarter than that.

 

Soooo, how do I now convince him that separating is His idea and for the best. Because, if it's Not His idea or want or choice he'll seek to destroy me and he already has me positioned to succeed, at least financially.

 

Oh and his family Adores me, his Mom who doesn't know Anything is in ICU, and his family is (of course, those who "know") trying to support me but do Not want me to leave.

 

I'm just so tired. Does anyone ever just feel so tired?

 

I'm very sad about all of this and am looking for advice on how to get through and possibly Out.

 

I KNOW it's til death do us part BUT God never said to be a punching bag and door matt.

[SoleMate]

It's not normal and I am so, so sorry that he is choosing to treat you this way. You deserve much better. I am always impressed with your rock solid compassion for everyone in every situation here on LS. You deserve the same respect and compassion from your HUSBAND, that YOU freely give to him and to others.

 

Is he capable of loving you and treating you right?

 

Is he willing to do so?

 

How powerful are the internal, personal drivers of his rage? (Please don't ever make the mistake of thinking that the little crud like packages, laundry, your efficiency at tasks, whatever, EVER justifies blowing up at you....it doesn't.)

[Confusion_Reigns]

for writing this. I'm kinda in the same boat, but am many more years into rec than you are (I believe)...and all the past is creeping into my mind more and more...I'm feeling worse about my decision to accept this behavior from him...and I will be divorcing him.

 

I am pretty scared of what's going to happen in the immediate aftermath of telling him to leave...heck, just last week I told him for the very first time ever to "Get Out" (yes, just like that) and he laughed...sorta dry and mirthlessly...so now here I sit not knowing what to do or how to proceed.

 

thank you again...and no, it's so not normal for anyone to yell and scream for hours at a time...

[ComingInHot]

Thanks solemate (feeling like the sole of show right actually...)

 

And Confusion_reigns, I have told him to get out myself. I am standing here wondering the same thing. What next? He's got me by the heels financially and he Knows it, I think Planned it but I have him by the b*lls socially only he has No idea.

 

Honestly, this has nothing whatsoever to do w/his cheating. It's past and what appears as present behavior that is the issue.

 

Funny, he was into counseling until the M professional started picking up on little things and questioning Him and his behavior regarding little things that I even missed. At that point, he said WE were done w/counseling regarding his A and the rest we could tackle on our own, as a team, as One. (God help me he knows my every weakness )

 

I'll write what he said to me today at work. Like what He SAID... Out Loud, after I go put a smile on and help kids w/homework and talk about their day.

 

I LOVE my kids and how they share pretty much everything w/me. They ROCK!!

[ComingInHot]

Okay, so I had to speak with my besties to wrap my head around what my H said yesterday.

Here goes...

I brought up how when I fall short and he gets "upset", and once he's calmed asks me what tools I am going to learn then implement so I don't make the same mistake again.

I reminded him of how he asks this and then said will you please use this process so you don't repeat the verbal and emotional abuse when you get upset with me or at someone/thing else and turn it onto me.

What tools can you acquire then implement to help you not continue treating me the way you do?

 

His reply:

"I CAN'T Change who I am, so I have to change what happens around me and control my environment so I am not pushed to that point"

(seriously, he Did say that)

 

I explained with as much calm and grace as I could that there are times in life when we can do Nothing to Control or Change our environment or people BUT it has been proven that the ONE THING individuals CAN Control and change is themselves. Then asked him if he felt he couldn't change or he was UN-willing to change?

 

H's Response;

"No. I CANNOT. This is Who I am and What I am. It's the blood that runs through my veins."

 

 

I am not sure if he REALLY believe this or if this is another manipulation tactic to try to get ME to believe it so I will resign myself to living this life accepting that it's not his fault as he can't help it...

It's Gross either way.

 

There is more but it's all I have the strength to write and I have to work.

 

I have decided to speak with a "professional" who creates and dissolves contracts to see what I can expect.

 

Never thought I'd be here with my M.

[TrappedWanderer]

My husband had almost the exact same response when I tried to talk to him about how he reacts. Utter denial, not willing to take any responsibility or effort to try and change. No matter how I approached it.

 

I feel your pain. You think you know someone and then, boom, you discover you don't at all. You just know what they wanted you to know of them.

 

I have to believe things will get better and will come out stronger on the other side of this.....though that's pretty hard right now.

 

Keep on keepin on

[velvette]

What your H is doing is normal...........for abusers.

 

But, of course he can help it. I'm sure he doesn't go off at people who have more authority or power than he has......

 

Did he learn all that "tools for you to implement" stuff in counseling. The reason I ask is that most therapist who deal with abusers say DO NOT go to counseling WITH them as they will only use it as a way to further abuse you.

 

His behavior/abuse is a way to feel control over whatever he wants to control at the moment and usually represents a need to control generalized anxiety that stems from whatever his FOO issues are.......likely abused by someone himself as a child.

 

He could change but he has to be willing to go to therapy by himself to get to the bottom of his issues, and learn techniques to retrain his inappropriate behavior.

 

Sorry youre dealing with this.

[ComingInHot]

Velvette, Hammer. Nail. Head.

 

He is a Very Smart Man. Scary Smart when it comes to his abuse cycles too.

 

Thing is, I always thought I was "smart", but now, looking at everything like I am an outsider looking in with no real emotional attachment, I think, What A FOOLISH Woman I am!!

 

I have truly tried Everything but one of the things with NPD, Abusers is it Will Never Work.

 

I am either going to resign to the fact that this is how my life is going to be OR get as much as I can in order before he realizes then disappear with the kids when he is away.

My Bestie who KNOWS us both said in the most matter of fact, Non dramatic, zero emotion tone, "When you leave, you Must leave for good and go far away because he is likely to kill you. CIH, I am Not kidding".

 

And this friend "likes" my H. She thinks he 's great when he is, well, acting great (and I agree with her), but she is not fooled.

 

I thought I would be more Jacked up after hearing her say that to me, but I am really not.

Don't know why. Maybe because I Know it's the truth?

 

PLEASE DON'T FEEL SORRY FOR ME!!! I HATE PITY!

I really will be just fine.

I just need information and steps to do this as cleanly and safely as possible.

 

I HATE sounding like a "movie of the week"... So Stupid.

[velvette]

They are smart. But.....they can still lose control of themselves and hurt you if they tap deep enough into whatever rage is driving them.

 

Being smart yourself doesn't protect you. Lots of us think we are too smart to fall into this trap. I am brilliant lol......just like youre amazing.........didn't help me avoid it.

 

Your friend is right.......and you have to judge the danger for yourself.......but, leaving them or throwing them out almost always causes them to escalate. Loss of control is what they fear the most and what enrages them the most.

 

I think they can sense when you disengage as well......esp if you are at the "I'm done with this crap." stage.

 

You will be fine. First thing, is to be totally clear on what you want imo and then align everything you do with that goal.

 

I honestly don't know about dealing with NPD. Can you go back to the therapist that diagnosed that ALONE?

 

If you truly want to leave, maybe it would be easier just to make his A the deal breaker?

[dumped2013]

When you do leave you need to file a restraining order at the same time.....

[ComingInHot]

Well, after the police officer arrived.... at the crash site.... where I rear ended another car.... (not kidding, just happened)

 

And I was NOT issued a ticket**

 

I called the handsome officer back to ask if I would be getting a gift in the mail by way of a ticket. I was confused as to why I hadn't signed anything thinking if a driver hits another from behind, it's automatic that a ticket is issued.

Apparently not.

 

Anyway, while I was speaking w/said officer, I asked him, "let's say that a woman is M to a man that yells, screams, cusses, and demeans his Wife for HOURS at a time when he gets upset about something and this woman is just tired of it and REALLY wants him to "go" but she's a titch nervous, blah blah blah"

 

Officer's reply to me, "How long has YOUR H been doing this to you?"

 

A.) How the heck did he he know or assume

B.) He gave me Great information on what a W needs to do/prepare/get in order to have a leg to stand on in court to keep her Safe during Separation & D.

 

1. Make the call to police EVEY TIME he "rages" (not a disagreement but the Hours long onslaut) This will leave a trail and build a "case" to present.

2. Gather "evidence" ie; recordings of said arguments/rages/verbal abuse, enlist character witnesses that have witnessed and/or overheard verbal abuse, phone records showing repeated hang-ups to escape or not listen to abuse.

3. Speak to an attorney and supply him w/all evidence

4. Tell people!! H's family, W's family, friends, who can rally around you and support you

5. When All ducks in a row, w/court date set, petition for what's call a Personal Protection Order (ppo) to be granted the same day as court date filing for D.

 

The thing that struck me most was his comments that he "sees this All the time and it's pretty near the same story each time"

The differences is in the intelligence of the abusers. The smart ones don't hit and when they do crack, the wife disappears silently in the night, not heard from again til the body's identified...

 

Oh Great.

[dumped2013]

Sorry about your wreck. Stay positive. Get a stun gun....

[GorillaTheater]

Sorry about your wreck. Stay positive. Get a stun gun....

 

And a recording device. Get at least some of these tirades on a disc.

[dumped2013]

If OP has a smartphone it should have a voice memo app on it. I recorded my exw yelling and screaming on my iphone and played it to the cops when they arrived.

[ComingInHot]

I have hours of recordings over the last Three years*

 

I don't however own a stun gun;)

 

Add to that character witnesses and I'm good.

[GorillaTheater]

Add to that character witnesses and I'm good.

 

I'll stand up for you in court any f*cking time. *hic*

[ComingInHot]

gorilla, Only if that is Really you in your Avatar!!

[dumped2013]

Gorilla is kind of scary

[ComingInHot]

Thanks J'. Believe it or not, hearing from you on this thread has moved me to tears.

We ALL have times of great crisis in our lives, it's how we choose to deal w/them that tells the world who we really are.

 

I have tried Everything, offered grace, forgiveness, support, but I'm just so tired. I refuse to have this be my life or In my life anymore.

 

I care for My H. I think I still love him. But I Have to walk away for My sake, our childrens' sake and hopefully for His sake.

 

Thanks J'

[Steen719]

Someone on the infidelity thread said they went to counseling and because the affair was so traumatic, that was the emphasis on counseling and the underlying issues never got enough attention to resolve. I did the same thing the first time and I also was a rug-sweeper. UGH, it only helped temporarily and of course, the problems, like blaming me for everything, continued. I blame myself partially for this. Honestly, I should have known better. Things do not just miraculously get better.

 

If you stay with him, you have got to get a hold of what is going on and reflect on his past behavior before the affair; way back. Has he always been like this? If you are going to stay with the way things are, you better make your peace with it and think about that a person who doesn't think they need to change despite the fact that they are losing their spouse is not likely to change when things are status quo.

 

Successful reconciliation must have some things in common, I would think and one of those must be that both partners are willing to work on all aspects of their marriage, not just the affair and your H doesn't seem to want to do that.

 

Good luck to you.

[ComingInHot]

steen, thank you for your insight & support.

The verbal/emotional abuse and his anger management issues have been going on long, LOOONG before his A.

I actually used his A to send him away/to her then moved over Six hundred miles away. We own a business together and I ran it satellite.

He worked so hard to come back.

I let him.

It was the first real repreive from his rages at me. I thought the A was our chance to meet on even ground.

I was wrong.