Clubber100 Posted October 9, 2013 Posted October 9, 2013 Hey everyone, So I had a 5 month beautiful relationship with a girl from my college. Out of nowhere, she dumped me, saying she wasn't able to handle a relationship at the time for personal reasons. Since we have been back to college in our Junior year, I have seen her out and about with different guys, which has upset me, even though I have no idea if they are just friends or more. However, we have kept in constant contact, despite my request for space. She always finds a way to approach me at a party (we have very similar friend circles) or at one of our college bars. During these conversations, everything starts off great and then turns to what went wrong, though she will never really tell me. Despite my asking for space, she never gave it to me and all it does is make me miss her more and more. We had a very fun relationship and I was incredibly good to her but she won't tell me what she wants. I cannot be friends with her because that is just foolish and would just drag out the pain I've felt over the last month of not being with her. I feel like giving her an ultimatum. I want her to understand that we can't keep talking and must completely avoid each other if we aren't willing to see each other. She needs to let me heal because this pain is too much. Seeing her at parties with other guys is hard enough but having to actually talk to her makes things worse because we always got along so well. So I feel like just telling her straight up, I am willing to give you time to think about it if you want, but I want to continue to see you and fix our situation. I miss you and want it to work. If that interests you, we can start very slow and build up to where we were and see what happens from there. If that does not interest you, I need you to respect that it is too painful to have to talk to you and that we need to avoid each other when we are in the same area. I want to make it clear to her that I prefer option 1 but that I can accept option 2. Do you think that this will only drive her away? She has never really explained why it can't work and I know she thinks a lot of me but is maybe scared of commitment but is also scared of losing me. I just want to know if an ultimatum is too harsh or if you all see it as positive. Thanks in advance for your feedback
Author Clubber100 Posted October 10, 2013 Author Posted October 10, 2013 Somebody please help. This is the lowest point in my life because I have to see her with other guys talking and potentially flirting. I want her back so bad but she hasn't respected my desire for space if she doesn't want to be with me. I am so lost as to how to handle this.
BC1980 Posted October 10, 2013 Posted October 10, 2013 An ultimatum almost always backfires, and it will drive her further away. You have a very low likelihood of getting the outcome you want from an ultimatum. It's pretty clear you have been friend zoned I'm sorry to say. If you don't enforce NC, she will keep reaping the fringe benefits by being friendly with you. All you need to do is tell her you would like some space and for her to stop contacting you right now. I understand its difficult, but it's your only option right now.
BC1980 Posted October 10, 2013 Posted October 10, 2013 Somebody please help. This is the lowest point in my life because I have to see her with other guys talking and potentially flirting. I want her back so bad but she hasn't respected my desire for space if she doesn't want to be with me. I am so lost as to how to handle this. How does she not respect your desire for space?
Mariposa10 Posted October 10, 2013 Posted October 10, 2013 An ultimatum almost always backfires, and it will drive her further away. You have a very low likelihood of getting the outcome you want from an ultimatum. It's pretty clear you have been friend zoned I'm sorry to say. If you don't enforce NC, she will keep reaping the fringe benefits by being friendly with you. All you need to do is tell her you would like some space and for her to stop contacting you right now. I understand its difficult, but it's your only option right now. I gave an ultimatum to my ex and it did backfire... I remember you talking about how ultimatums are bad in general, so OP listen to BC1980. I wish I had come to this forum before I did that. Tell this girl you're not interested in being her friend and that you need space.
Author Clubber100 Posted October 21, 2013 Author Posted October 21, 2013 So here is my update: I have avoided her more at our school in recent weeks. We are both Juniors so I know I may have to for another year as well if thats what it takes. Anyways, I gave her the ultimatum texting her that she can't have her cake and eat it too essentially. She got back to me rather quickly saying that she thinks I'm very good but that she will give me my space. She has said this before and I hope this time she means it. I made it clear that I preferred being with her but that it can't be casual friendship. I really think that this is all just timing as we are both incredibly busy and I really couldn't even do a relationship right now with everything else on my plate. It is really tough. On one hand, I know I want her in my life badly. On the other hand, I have absolutely no interest in being friends with her if she wants to see other guys. My plan for now is to just avoid her as much as possible (granted we have similar friend circles) and maybe contact her sometime this summer between our junior and senior year. I am afraid in completely neglecting her that she will latch onto another guy and develop feelings for them, but do you think this is the right move for me? I truly believe it is as she needs to know I am not okay with hanging around while she sees what else is out there. I have met some awesome girls, but still she has my heart. So I guess my question is, am I handling this right? Is it selfish for me to cut her out of my life or is it the best thing I can do for now? Thanks for any and all feedback.
Simon Phoenix Posted October 21, 2013 Posted October 21, 2013 Cut her out of your life. If she really wants back in she'll jump through hoops to get there.
organizedchaos Posted October 21, 2013 Posted October 21, 2013 So here is my update: I have avoided her more at our school in recent weeks. We are both Juniors so I know I may have to for another year as well if thats what it takes. Anyways, I gave her the ultimatum texting her that she can't have her cake and eat it too essentially. She got back to me rather quickly saying that she thinks I'm very good but that she will give me my space. She has said this before and I hope this time she means it. I made it clear that I preferred being with her but that it can't be casual friendship. I really think that this is all just timing as we are both incredibly busy and I really couldn't even do a relationship right now with everything else on my plate. It is really tough. On one hand, I know I want her in my life badly. On the other hand, I have absolutely no interest in being friends with her if she wants to see other guys. My plan for now is to just avoid her as much as possible (granted we have similar friend circles) and maybe contact her sometime this summer between our junior and senior year. I am afraid in completely neglecting her that she will latch onto another guy and develop feelings for them, but do you think this is the right move for me? I truly believe it is as she needs to know I am not okay with hanging around while she sees what else is out there. I have met some awesome girls, but still she has my heart. So I guess my question is, am I handling this right? Is it selfish for me to cut her out of my life or is it the best thing I can do for now? Thanks for any and all feedback. Well I guess you have to ask yourself - how is it benefiting you remaining in contact with her, seeing her "hanging out" with other guys? versus cutting all contact and her possibly latching on to another guy? You are not progressing with her by staying in touch so how is it worse than not being in touch? At least by not being in touch you are saving yourself more grief. What is staying in touch doing for you?
Author Clubber100 Posted October 25, 2013 Author Posted October 25, 2013 Absolutely nothing. I get nothing from being around her, and frankly have tried to have space. Unfortunately, all the juniors have certain hangout spots around campus, and we have similar friend circles. I see her often but never approached her, she only approaches me. It is unfair considering I asked for space. I am going to try and cut her out and move on.
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