holly12345 Posted October 9, 2013 Posted October 9, 2013 So here's my story. I'll try and keep it simple. I was in a year long relationship and it fell apart. Mostly due to the fact I took him for granted and felt the love we shared couldn't be destroyed. My behaviour was terrible and the person that I became towards the end of our relationship did not deserve to be loved by such a wonderful man. He had his faults too. Lack of communicating with me in fear he'll upset me (I would argue my behaviour caused that) and him taking things I did as a personal attack on him. It's little more complicated than that but you get the gist. I felt our issues could be worked on but he felt it was too late and removed himself from the relationship to avoid further pain down the line. Now he is trying to move on and lose his feelings of love towards me. We've agreed to try and be friends and had a rather mature conversation about how we can go about doing that. Right now I am giving him space, something I failed to do after the breakup. I feel better emotionally to be able to respect that decision now and control myself. Don't get my wrong though, the hurt is still there! I'm focusing on myself and all that jazz, but I know part of me will always love him. Friend or not. I'm trying to remove all elements of crazy ex girlfriend I've been giving off. It's especially hard now as I think he is already seeing someone else. I haven't asked as it's not my place but I would view him and the whole breakup differently if he was. I wouldn't want him in my life because it'd mean his reasons for breaking up were bull**** and he actually had feelings for someone else. It'd definitely give me the strength to walk away completely. But at the same time, I have no proof. Just thoughts which I need to remove because he WILL start seeing someone sooner or later. I felt reconciliation was possible at first. I have this crazy belief true love always prevails. If he never comes back, maybe it's not true love after all. My hopes lessen as the days go by which makes me feel it's okay to be friends. But the hope is not completely gone, I can't seem to shift it and I know that won't change no matter which way I go about things. I guess I just want to share my journey. Whether it's a journey to reconciliation or simple moving on, I don't know yet. I'm just looking for the support of you guys and trust you'll all give me some great advice! NOW. This leads me to why I am writing this post in the first place... I received a Facebook message from the girl I'm having sneaky suspicions about. It simply says that I 'lose'. I don't know what to think. I've deleted the message because I don't want to see it every time I open my inbox but I did screenshot it to show a friend via text message to see what she thought. I don't know if he has a part to play in whatever this is so I'm not sure if I should bring it up when we next meet (not for another week and a half).
I-Love-Liberty Posted October 10, 2013 Posted October 10, 2013 -Just because he started dating someone else quickly (if he did), doesn't necessarily mean he had feelings for her before the break up. -The FB message, if you have no way of knowing if he's even seeing this chick, then Idk what the point of asking him would be. If it were me I'd probably write her back asking who the eff she was and what she meant. Other people probably wouldn't do that though.
Simon Phoenix Posted October 10, 2013 Posted October 10, 2013 You shouldn't be meeting him right now.
Author holly12345 Posted October 10, 2013 Author Posted October 10, 2013 -Just because he started dating someone else quickly (if he did), doesn't necessarily mean he had feelings for her before the break up. -The FB message, if you have no way of knowing if he's even seeing this chick, then Idk what the point of asking him would be. If it were me I'd probably write her back asking who the eff she was and what she meant. Other people probably wouldn't do that though. The reason I made that presumption is because a week before we broke up he had met this girl and mentioned how she was having problems with her boyfriend (they have now split). As me and him were having problems I imagine he confided in her as well therefore connecting on a more emotional/vulnerable level. He also mentioned his other new friend really liked her. When me and him were getting together, his interest peeked a lot more when somebody else had asked me on a date. It creates that added desire... If the feelings weren't already there, I definitely did a lot to push him more towards her after the breakup. Am I overthinking? Yes. I guess the point in asking would be so I can just know. It's not healthy for me to think so much into it. At least if I know I can be like 'right, how can I move past this?'. But at the same time it's not my place anymore! If she wasn't all over him on Facebook, it would easier to ignore. I'm just hoping he isn't seeing her because you would think he would have more respect towards my feelings and be less blatant about it. That's the only thing making me think he isn't seeing her and that she is just a friend. Naive? Probably. All that aside however, do you really think I should reply? She obviously knows who I am, and I know who she is. I don't want to entertain her if she wants to get a reaction out of me. But it is bothering me. Would there be any harm in asking my ex why his new 'friend' is messaging me? If he has no idea about the message, what will he think? I don't even know what I think.
Author holly12345 Posted October 10, 2013 Author Posted October 10, 2013 You shouldn't be meeting him right now. If not now/couple of weeks time, when? I've done the whole NC thing before and when we finally came back into contact and addressed our feelings, it felt like a lot of time had been wasted. Time we could've just spent being okay with how things ended. Shortly after he moved away and now I don't see him, it just feels like a shame. I guess that's another reason I'm trying the flip side of things. Life's short, time's a wastin'!
thora-tiki Posted October 10, 2013 Posted October 10, 2013 OMG, I am so sick of this ex. And you haven't even written that many posts about him. I agree with my fellow no contact warriors, especially FierceFoxie. And my keen sense to «detectiveness» tells me he is looking for a rebound. Right this moment he is probably comparing his new date to the fond memories he has of you. But you are too focused on the idiot girl, if she even exists, yeah, I know she sent you a lame message on Fjasbok, what I call stupid Facebook, but still I have my doubts. You are in awe at the magician, you are going: Oh, he pulled a rabbit out of his hat! You don't see the secret compartments in the hat. If the ex starts to date that's a good sign that they are moving on from the old failed relationship, and now you should too. Why are you still holding on to that old failed relationship? Let it go. You watch - if you date or just stop chasing him/answer his text/come when he snaps his fingers, you will see what feelings he has left for you. If he has no feelings then it's time to stop wasting your time on him and move on. Thinking, worrying and wondering will only drive you crazy. Use no contact to find out his true feelings once and for all. Plus, when you are NOT nagging him for a «yes or no», «what do you mean?», or other stuff you ask him or he asks you - but instead seem to be surviving without him - this helps him to sort his feelings faster. When you are ready, then you can reconnect, if you still want to. Not because he texted/called you. I really don't know why people on here think that just because the ex wants to talk or sends lame «I want to talk text» or says «I made a mistake», or wants to be friends, or makes all the first moves, that this means you MUST break no contact. Or that this behaviour is a good sign. No it isn't. It just means he wants to control the situation and you. And make sure you are not going anywhere. Selfish camel toed ex-hole. I would personally just think of it all contact from the ex as: «Oh, I am still on his mind even after 3 weeks, 2 months, 4 months, 6 months, 8 months etc, and this will come in handy when/if I reconnect some day when I am ready.» Then delete the bastard (message, not the stupid ex). Pahaha! If you do break no contact before you are ready, or just because he sent a lame text. 98% of the time this will happen, and we will read this on the forum the next day: «He still is dating the new girl.» «Argh! He doesn't know what he wants.» «He just wants sex, but nothing more.» Or your own: 1) because he thinks it's weak and he'd never be able to say no to me again. 2) he doesn't trust I won't hurt him again. 3) he believes he doesn't make me happy any more. 4) he doesn't believe I won't wake up one day and realise he's the reason I'm unhappy. 5) he felt if we carried on he might begin to resent me and eventually that'd lead to not loving me. 6) he feels whatever my mood is, his mood would mirror it. Yes, maybe he'll still say all these things even after a long no contact period, and even after all your hard work on yourself, and even when you are ready. But ready also means that you are no longer bothered by this info. Yes, it might sting a little, but more in the way of him just being «a-guy-I-went-on-four-dates-with-and-he/we-didn't-see-a-future-with-us» way. (If this crushes you, then you are not ready to date (new guys or ex)). Focus on yourself, and the rest will fall into place. Believe me all that reverse psychology telling you: (and I am not even writing any example here, since ANYTHING he says is fu*king stupid, and just bullsh*t in my opinion.) Mr. The best thing since sliced bread might be mean, but he isn't stupid, and you shouldn't be either. He is just trying to make you jealous, insecure etc., and it is working. He is taking up too much space in your head. Stop it. Get annoyed every time he pops into your mind! I did it, got annoyed, whenever my ex, dildo face, popped his face into mine. I picture your ex in my head rubbing his hands together, or petting a white fluffy cat, with a sinister grin on his face, because he is so exited to be playing games with you. So take everything he says or does etc. with a grain of salt and focus on you. The biggest reason for doing no contact is to not be around to even hear anything from the exes mouth. You need to turn away from him and focus on yourself. Focusing on him and trying to interpret what he is saying, or asking us: why did he do this or that? what does it mean? is not helping you, and it is hurting you and preventing you from getting your life back. He knows this, and he is playing you. Wake the fu*k up up! The reason the lame girl - allegedly she exist - messaged you, is because your ex said your name one too many times. Who fu*king cares why she sent you a message! Maybe she is in love with you? Maybe she needs a kidney? Maybe…? See? This is why she is doing it. She is also playing you. You are being played by her as well, she is doing a «Santa Barbara» on you, you know, that 80ies soap opera. Or maybe I just revealed my age... Hah! This will turn into a fu*king Jerry Springer episode if you keep meeting, having contact with him. These are my no contact tips: You don't have to hide when you are using the no contact to evolve past a break up. But it is healthy to be a bit paranoid. :-) You just need to make sure you know how to handle any situations that might arise if your ex runs into you. 1. Be polite, if he says «hi» say «hi» back, and then move along. 2. Do not get dragged into any deep conversations about anything, with your ex. Just say «I do not want to talk», or «I am not ready to talk» if he wants to talk about the relationship. 3. If he won't leave you alone because he is an as*hole or drunk or both - leave/cross the street/room. 4. Be prepared for the fact he might try to make you jealous by hanging all over some women. 5. Don't get drunk, you will be sure to fu*k up if you do that. Dating, going out, and having fun, is the quickest way to evolve past a break up and get your life back, positive energy attracts more positive energy. Stay sober and use your common sense, and you should be fine. This goes for any situation, at the gym, on the street, at school, at a restaurant - etc. No contact is not about making someone love you, it’s about choosing what you want to do, and then do it. If you sit around thinking about all the reasons it won’t work, what good does that do you? Start no contact today, don't look back, look forward. You wrote: If not now/couple of weeks time, when? You are treating this like it was some fu*king recipe. Wait some weeks, and then reconnect. You've seen his lame list: 1) because he thinks it's weak and he'd never be able to say no to me again. 2) he doesn't trust I won't hurt him again. 3) he believes he doesn't make me happy any more. 4) he doesn't believe I won't wake up one day and realise he's the reason I'm unhappy. 5) he felt if we carried on he might begin to resent me and eventually that'd lead to not loving me. 6) he feels whatever my mood is, his mood would mirror it. Do you really think he'll have worked through his issues in a few weeks? Don't be his friend. Don't get trapped in a friends zone, because he will keep you there until he exhausts all other options. You deserve more than that. He deserves a good kick in the a*s from the sound of things. And guess what? No contact will be doing that for him. Hmm, how to make him miss you...? Don't make a sound, be very quiet, and tiptoe yourself out of his life. How can he miss you if he gets to be with you? Be friends with you? Talk to you whenever he wants to? Honestly, I don't think anybody on here would actually still be friends with their ex, if we were the dumper. Maybe 1% of us can, one time in the future, but even that number sounds too high. 1
Author holly12345 Posted October 10, 2013 Author Posted October 10, 2013 Woah, okay... I am not holding on to the failed relationship. We both want a friendship, so we re attempting to build one. I am focused on the girl as I need to be okay with the possibility of them two seeing each other if we are to remain friends. I have stopped chasing him. The feelings that remain are feelings of love, hence the space I am giving him to lose those feelings, and genuine care for me, hence the decision to build a friendship. This is why I do not feel I am wasting my time. If I were to use NC (or in other words, be ignorant to his existence for your own greater good) then what gives me the right to walk back into his life when I see fit? Nothing. What gives me the right to stay in his life now? Because he wishes. I fail to view this as a selfish act on his behalf, what does he have to gain realistically? A friend? God forbid. I do not feel NC would make him want to work out his issues he listed off. I was curious as to what might if things were slightly different, not that I had planned to bombard him with new ideas to make him change his mind. I DO see the contact as a good thing BECAUSE it shows he isn't a cold heartless bastard ready to cut someone important out of their life just because the relationship failed. Yes, I will always love him. That won't go away. Some people in life you will always love. It does not mean you have to kick them to the curb just because you cant have them as your boyfriend/girlfriend. As the days go by I become less fixated on his reason for the break up, but I would still like to find understanding so I can prevent future problems in other relationships. Nothing he personally has done screams 'let's make my ex insecure and jealous'. It's unfortunately a natural occurrence that is happening too soon for my liking but that's life. I could get annoyed every time he popped into my head, but that is not his fault. I'd hate for him to be doing the same about me! Why create extra feelings of resentment? Writing on this forum about the little things that shouldn't be taking up space in my head is helping me get them OUT of my head for the time being. The message the other girl sent is confusing and I don't know what to do about it, if anything at all. So yes, I care and I don't expect anybody else to. I was just looking for friendly advice geared towards my situation. (Sorry if this sounds aggressive or that I'm actively trying to fight against your advice, it's not meant to).
Simon Phoenix Posted October 10, 2013 Posted October 10, 2013 If not now/couple of weeks time, when? I've done the whole NC thing before and when we finally came back into contact and addressed our feelings, it felt like a lot of time had been wasted. Time we could've just spent being okay with how things ended. Shortly after he moved away and now I don't see him, it just feels like a shame. I guess that's another reason I'm trying the flip side of things. Life's short, time's a wastin'! And this is why you will fail and fail spectacularly. This isn't a timed test. You are way too impatient, way too concerned about doing things quickly rather than doing things right. You aren't recovered from the first break. It doesn't matter how much or how little time has passed if you didn't take advantage of the down time, which it seems like you didn't. You are posting out of fear and impatience. The last thing you should be doing is rushing anything.
Author holly12345 Posted October 11, 2013 Author Posted October 11, 2013 And this is why you will fail and fail spectacularly. This isn't a timed test. You are way too impatient, way too concerned about doing things quickly rather than doing things right. You aren't recovered from the first break. It doesn't matter how much or how little time has passed if you didn't take advantage of the down time, which it seems like you didn't. You are posting out of fear and impatience. The last thing you should be doing is rushing anything. I'm not sure if I made it clear but the NC I was referencing was in relation to a previous breakup with someone else. But yes, I am impatient and I do fear
Simon Phoenix Posted October 11, 2013 Posted October 11, 2013 I'm not sure if I made it clear but the NC I was referencing was in relation to a previous breakup with someone else. But yes, I am impatient and I do fear So you haven't gone NC with this new ex yet? Yeah, this has disaster written all over it.
Author holly12345 Posted October 13, 2013 Author Posted October 13, 2013 I have. He said he wanted two weeks. It's been one so far and although he said it's okay to text, I have resisted the urge and in some ways feel better for it. We agreed to meet after an interview of mine this upcoming week and I said I'd let him know when it was as soon as I found out. Now I'm having doubts if I should. He texted me today asking how I was, and I'm not even gonna ask if I should reply because I already know everyone will say NCNCNC!! So I may have to mull this one over.
Simon Phoenix Posted October 14, 2013 Posted October 14, 2013 I have. He said he wanted two weeks. It's been one so far and although he said it's okay to text, I have resisted the urge and in some ways feel better for it. We agreed to meet after an interview of mine this upcoming week and I said I'd let him know when it was as soon as I found out. Now I'm having doubts if I should. He texted me today asking how I was, and I'm not even gonna ask if I should reply because I already know everyone will say NCNCNC!! So I may have to mull this one over. Two weeks isn't NC. Two weeks is a vacation. And I wouldn't meet with him right now, you aren't ready.
gothicrose Posted October 14, 2013 Posted October 14, 2013 Two weeks isn't NC. Two weeks is a vacation. And I wouldn't meet with him right now, you aren't ready. Simon gave me this same response on my thread when I posted that my ex had asked for 2 weeks. I couldn't even manage that as I was so convinced I was right and that nc wasn't the way to go... OP, please go and have a look at my thread ('need brutal honesty') to see how badly things can go if you have a 'confused' guy and don't take advice given on here. Mine is an extreme example, but still; take heed.
Author holly12345 Posted October 16, 2013 Author Posted October 16, 2013 Emotions are a powerful thing! After being broken up with, almost everyone does the opposite of what they're told 'don't beg, don't call, focus on yourself'. A week into my two week NC before trying the friendship rout, my ex texted me to ask how I was. I replied the next day because I felt I was being rude not too and that I would be okay replying. I WASN'T. Of course I wasn't. You were all right. He never texted back and I thought too much about why he was texting in the first place. A moment of weakness on his part (I wish)? Generally wanting to know if I'm okay (likely but confusing). Either way, it just did. Not. Matter. I decided to send one FINAL text saying that I didn't want to meet anymore blah blah blah. Next day he replied saying he would. So we did, we caught up and then went our separate ways. I didn't bring up this other girl, it's not my place and I don't do Facebook drama or arguments. Right now, certain things just aren't okay to bring up. I will not be doing this to myself again. It's not satisfying me enough and I'm not entirely sure it's really making him feel okay either. It was nice catching up and the idea of being friends is nice, but that's all it really is. An idea. I still maintain the belief it's very possible to be friends with and ex. But only if both parties are 100% ready to commit. It's time to move on. NC. Took me a month to get there but hey! This is going to be hard still. I'm not really sure how to get over someone in a healthy manner when they were such a big part of your life and you still very much care. But at least I'm REALLY trying now.
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