7 months in.

[fuglinnfonix]

Hi, I'm new here.

My marriage ended 7 months ago...after 7 months. 5 years together.

 

There had been troubles,...my communications skills were not good, I was often distant. Moody for no reason. To make a short story, we fought alot.

In the end she had enough after one of our episodes of no talking and avoiding eachother.

 

 

 

 

From the beginning I decided that this was going to be one of my biggest lesson in life. I went to see a therapist, joined a support group, got a new job (a better one) started out at the gym 3 times a week, meeting my friends often and trying to make new ones. So to make a short story, my life is totally on the right track today. I wasn't going to let this break me - I was going to be stronger. In these 7 months I have learned many things about myself and gotten in touch with alot of my feelings. I'm not going to say I'm a completely changed man, but I've made progress in many ways.

 

Now if you would have been one of my relatives you would have thought "wow, he is really coping and moving on". Don't get me wrong the first 2 months were hell. The hardest time of my life so far. But they got better and I got superbusy. I'm working two jobs now..saving up to go to school again...abroad.......going to support groups 3 times a week, the gym 3x and friends. And it's good.

 

But I still feel pain in my stomach. In the beginning I could feel it like a big rock at the side of my stomach. This was love hurt. It has become softer...but I still feel it.

 

I'm beginning to doubt if I will ever get completely over her. I've done the math and we had good moments and were best friends but we also had not so good moments and we are very different personalities.

 

In these 7 months I have NOT ONCE broken the No contact rule. She has called me twice and sent a couple of emails. God knows there were many things I did wrong in the marriage...but I made myself the promise to do everything right after it...that is...just to be kind to her when she has made contact. Be it phone or email. Not once have I initiated contact. But I made her really aware in one of our last contact two months ago that I was not letting her step over my boundaries. And she wen't mad. Wrote me an email with alot of negative comments about me. I just answered here in the most kind way I could. But still today that email is reading itself over and over in my mind. It's hard to read them.

 

I have regrets off course. We both hurt eachother alot. I had one 6 year relationship before my marriage and we have one 12 year daugther. Breaking up with her was though easier than this. I don't know why. I don't know why this relationship is harder. 4 months in and I was moving on back then. I was younger and the future was exciting. I'm older now. But today 7 months in and I still feel pain even though I'm fighting it everyway I can. I pray alot and it helps me. It just feels like I'm never going to meet anybody that can match up to what we had (when things were ok).

 

Part of me misses her, part of me can't stand her. I'm happy we didn't have kids, it's hard to say it...but I really am. She can't have babies, we tried. So today I have no idea what she is up to though I know for sure she is hooking up with guys. That thought doesn't bother me anymore. But it's like there is a empty space somewhere inside me that is not filled yet. I wish I could erase her out of my head so I could just move on with my live completely - but she haunts me. I don't know what I'm looking for. Maybe some of you have gone through the same thing. I just felt kind of bad tonight and needed to write my thougts. Sorry for spellings, I'm from Scandinava so my english is not perfect

[cheryllynne]

First off, let me say your English is fine - in fact, it's a lot better than the English of a lot of Americans I know.

 

Anyway, what you're feeling is completely normal, I've been separated for almost a year now and I feel a lot of the same emotions you described in your post. There was a lot of bad in my marriage, but there was a lot of good too and it's so hard to let go of that.

 

Hang in there - and just keep telling yourself everyday that you're going to get through this. I know how tough it is. But I cling to the hope that one of these days I will wake up and not feel the pain in the pit of my stomach or the fear in my heart. I hope the same thing for you.

[secondfailure]

This is the post I have been looking for. Although I am only 2 months in to my separation. We had the same problems you had. A lot of arguing over her kids and me having to do alot of work around the house by myself. When she moved out, I thought could this marriage be saved. I have talked to her maybe twice in two months and I have not broken the no contact rule. It seems like I do good then I have a moment where a song or just going home the empty house we once shared consumes me. But I know I am making progress. I am able to sleep in the bed we onced shared through the night. My divorce support group has been wonderful. In talking to them I realized that maybe she was not the one for me. We had diffrent values, my mother in law was heavily involved in our marriage and we argued a lot. There were also some good times as well. Once I stop blaming myself for ALL of our issues I know I will be okay. I am also going to counseling as well. She tells me that what I am doing is normal. Blaming myself becasue of the things she said before she left. She said all she tried to do was love me while I was being verbally abusive. My counselor told me that is how women get to us. They put stuff in our head and we tend to think about it. That is not a knock on all women. This loneliness is almost crippling sometime. The saving grace is we dont have any kids together so we dont talk at all. I have given myself until the end of ths year to see if she wants to reconcile while still learnng to move forward. The No Contact Rule has been my saving grace. It shows me that you have to learn to stand on your own two feet. I know I am not ready to date or even look at another woman right now. Heck, it hurts to even see a couple in their car laughing and joking. But like you I have learned to pray every night and every day. I feel like God is punishing me becasue when times where good, I did not seek him. Now that I am at one of the lowest points of my life, I seek him every minute I can. But as others have posted here, if you go through the process and grieve the right way, in time we will sit back and say, man that was rough but I got throught it. The holidays are coming up and I dont know how I am goig to get through it... She was really into decorating the house (I am tearing up as I type now). But I have to remmebr one second, one minute, one hour, one day at a time....

 

But learn to speak positive toughts. Instead of saying "will" I get over he" say "when". I am starting to get the energy to go out with frinds. Other frinds I have to not be around becasue rigt now all they say is "you will be okay". I know that but right now a simple "How are you holding up" will suffice.. I know they mean well but if you havent walked this lonely road, then you dont know if I wll be alright..

Edited October 10, 2013 by secondfailure
Spelling..

[secondfailure]

Hi, I'm new here.

My marriage ended 7 months ago...after 7 months. 5 years together.

 

There had been troubles,...my communications skills were not good, I was often distant. Moody for no reason. To make a short story, we fought alot.

In the end she had enough after one of our episodes of no talking and avoiding eachother.

 

 

 

 

From the beginning I decided that this was going to be one of my biggest lesson in life. I went to see a therapist, joined a support group, got a new job (a better one) started out at the gym 3 times a week, meeting my friends often and trying to make new ones. So to make a short story, my life is totally on the right track today. I wasn't going to let this break me - I was going to be stronger. In these 7 months I have learned many things about myself and gotten in touch with alot of my feelings. I'm not going to say I'm a completely changed man, but I've made progress in many ways.

 

Now if you would have been one of my relatives you would have thought "wow, he is really coping and moving on". Don't get me wrong the first 2 months were hell. The hardest time of my life so far. But they got better and I got superbusy. I'm working two jobs now..saving up to go to school again...abroad.......going to support groups 3 times a week, the gym 3x and friends. And it's good.

 

But I still feel pain in my stomach. In the beginning I could feel it like a big rock at the side of my stomach. This was love hurt. It has become softer...but I still feel it.

 

I'm beginning to doubt if I will ever get completely over her. I've done the math and we had good moments and were best friends but we also had not so good moments and we are very different personalities.

 

In these 7 months I have NOT ONCE broken the No contact rule. She has called me twice and sent a couple of emails. God knows there were many things I did wrong in the marriage...but I made myself the promise to do everything right after it...that is...just to be kind to her when she has made contact. Be it phone or email. Not once have I initiated contact. But I made her really aware in one of our last contact two months ago that I was not letting her step over my boundaries. And she wen't mad. Wrote me an email with alot of negative comments about me. I just answered here in the most kind way I could. But still today that email is reading itself over and over in my mind. It's hard to read them.

 

I have regrets off course. We both hurt eachother alot. I had one 6 year relationship before my marriage and we have one 12 year daugther. Breaking up with her was though easier than this. I don't know why. I don't know why this relationship is harder. 4 months in and I was moving on back then. I was younger and the future was exciting. I'm older now. But today 7 months in and I still feel pain even though I'm fighting it everyway I can. I pray alot and it helps me. It just feels like I'm never going to meet anybody that can match up to what we had (when things were ok).

 

Part of me misses her, part of me can't stand her. I'm happy we didn't have kids, it's hard to say it...but I really am. She can't have babies, we tried. So today I have no idea what she is up to though I know for sure she is hooking up with guys. That thought doesn't bother me anymore. But it's like there is a empty space somewhere inside me that is not filled yet. I wish I could erase her out of my head so I could just move on with my live completely - but she haunts me. I don't know what I'm looking for. Maybe some of you have gone through the same thing. I just felt kind of bad tonight and needed to write my thougts. Sorry for spellings, I'm from Scandinava so my english is not perfect

 

But still today that email is reading itself over and over in my mind. It's hard to read them.Try and say to yourself, I will own my part, ask for forgiveness, learn from it and move on... Anything else is her version of the story and I cannot change it....

[Monodare1]

Hi there

 

I'm coming up for 4 months in, I know how you feel regards the emptiness inside, I can't do no contact as we both have a little two and a half year old boy together. I too am trying to fill up my days with going to the gym, seeing friends etc. We own a home together but I am trying to get my name and responsibility removed from the mortgage, once I do that and get Christmas out of the way I'm considering looking for a new better paid job so I can afford to rent or buy a place of my own (as I had to move back in with my elderly father)

 

I hope you find the peace of mind you are looking for, this is a harsh and lonely journey we are on but I'm sure we will gain some kind of strength from it, then maybe, when we are ready we can meet the right person and move on.

[fuglinnfonix]

Thank you for youre kind replies.

 

 

cheryllynne : Thank you Yes nothing lasts forever - not even harsh times. I remember my first two months ..I would break down maybe once week and just cry - not believing that my situation was real. Somehow you always expect things to work out but not a divorce. I have come along way since then and I feel alot better. But I still have rough days from time to time.

It's very important to talk to others and let it out. Don't hold it in. I'm not a talker but my pain made me one. The pain was just to big to hold it in. And it helped me alot. My support group, friends and family have been a life-saver.

 

Monodare1: Yes, I'm trying to look at my divorce as something that my god is teaching me and I believe that has something to do with me changing..to a better man. To evolve emotionally and spiritually. I understand it must be hard when you have kids. I have gone through it with my first relationship. Only thing I can say...don't let your kids see you fight or argue. It's hard enough. Try to have your communications with your x in order, for their sake I know it's hard...but your kids are important now ..and so are you. You won't regret it. One step at a time....and sooner or later days become weeks and months and there is light at the end - I know. I can see it but I'm not quite there yet...but I can see it.

 

Secondlife: Yes tell me about it. Off course I forget myself often and begin to think of vacations, holidays...the good times. We got divorced 7 months ago but even so I'm getting a little anxious about the christmas holidays. I can't say I'm looking forward to it. Yes we would decorate together...make cookies together...yes I'm getting chills just writing this. But I will get through it. It's not the bad memories...it's the good ones that really mess you up. So I have tried to block those thoughts out as soon as I notice I'm starting having them. Try to think of something else. Put a funny movie on..just something. But it takes practice and it's going to take time. I walk alot around my town where I live.....I often meet couples...and it's really hard sometimes...it feels like I'm the only single person in town and somehow life is leaving me behind. That nobody wants me - two failed relationship..I must be a total failure. But then I try to reverse that thought...into thinking .."off course alot of it was my fault...but was it ALL my fault?" No. "Am I a bad person?" No. Sometimes you just don't feel well in a relationship, sometimes you have things from youre childhood that have not gotten closure or sometimes things are just not meant to be and the only conclusion is to learn from our mistakes and try not to repeat them. A divorce really clarifies alot of things. I try to tell this to myself...when I feel bad...like today and yesterday...that there is a reason for this happening. It's hard yes...and still today..I tear up sometimes when I forget myself in thoughts of a happier time. And though it's a big cliché it is true...there are many more fish in the sea....and it's possible to love more than one person in a lifetime - oh yes.....and when that person arrives I want this experience to be a foundation to build on.

[Misadventure]

Fug,

 

Welcome and greetings to you. I can't answer for you 100% but I can guess as to why because I feel it and so do many others...

 

Because it's a loss.

 

That horrible empty hollow feeling like we have been kicked in the gut.. the hollow in our stomach and ache in our heart...it's not as pronounced and loud as it was in the beginning..but it's still there.

 

We made that leap to love with our whole heart.. to commit..to strive for something greater than ourselves and see it blossom in the future.

 

When the death of that first flower from the bush happens, and you see the whole entire bush fade away and wither into emptiness, never to be felt, or seen again as it was...it is still hard to take.

 

That's not abnormal.

 

We fill our days with things that let's us move forward, so that we won't sit there and let that hollow feeling take over because we know we need to move on and find happiness again.. within ourselves and with another one day.

 

Those things that let us move forward become a part of who we are now.. because we had to. We had to find ourselves again, our new selves..but that doesn't mean that hollow inside will be gone. Every now and then, right when we least expect it...it creeps up and says a hello, reminding you that once you loved with your entire heart and soul...and yes, it hurt...the ache...the remembering...but it also is there to remind us that we can one day be happy again. I believe with all my heart, we will.

 

Chin up.