Confused Gal Posted October 9, 2013 Posted October 9, 2013 Here is the situation. I randomly met a group of guys back in July. Keep in mind, I'm in my late 20's. 3 out of the 4 in the group attempted to hit on me. 1 of them asked me on a date right away but it turned me off. I later found out he was married and his wife had recently had a baby. Dodged a bullet there. I seemed to really hit it off with "Bob". We exchanged numbers, talked, and danced the night away. His friend, "Dan" was also trying to dance and hit on me as well. I didn't think anything of it but Bob did mention that it wasn't uncommon for his friends to try and pull a "robbery" (yes, I'm referring to Jersey Shore), especially since we had all just met. After that night, Bob and I continued to call each other and text. We made plans for the next weekend. Dan came with him at the beginning part of the date because he doesn't have a car and wanted to attend the same event we were going to. Needless to say, we reminisced about meeting and laughing off Dan's drunken shenanigans. Afterwards, we dropped Dan off on base and continued with our date. Bob and I had a great time and literally were together from 10am that morning until 1am that night. After our date, Bob and I continued to talk and text and spoke of making plans once again. Fast forward a couple of weeks and Bob simply disappears. Being a woman, I of course question why and FB stalk. In the meantime, this is where the scandalous part comes in, I decide to FB message Dan. I had a couple of drinks and knew that it would get back to Bob. It did. However, the messages were harmless... at this point. To shorten the story a bit, I hooked up with Dan twice!!! There are no feelings and we aren't exactly trying to date. To my knowledge, Bob doesn't know. In my defense, I thought Bob was completely out of the picture but he's back. I know, you must think what a slut! But that isn't the case. Nothing physical ever occurred between Bob and I. I have now developed those pesky things called feelings and am now confused as to what to do. I realize that hooking up with Dan was a mistake and a childish thing to do. The same goes for Bob and him pulling his vanishing and re-appearing act. However, Bob has thoroughly explained himself and I feel he's worthy of another chance. I just don't know if I am... I'm clearly not going to contact Dan or hook up with him again. Should I tell Bob and just put everything out in the open or keep my mouth shut? I don't want to ruin their friendship. I also feel like Dan (probably) wouldn't say anything. Or should I just move on and try and forget about Bob. Bob and I made plans for this weekend and the plan is just to see where things go from there. Bob has made it clear that he doesn't just want someone to hook up with and potentially wants more. I just feel guilty for even doing anything with Dan, even though we were both single. I also realize that should Bob find out about this, things will not end well. Your advice and insight is greatly appreciated.
MrCastle Posted October 9, 2013 Posted October 9, 2013 You don't want to ruin their friendship, but you went out with the guy's friend knowing it would get back to him. As a way of getting back at him for vanishing or whatever. Then proceeded to hook up with him not once, but twice. I would admit it like an adult and take your fate like a mature woman, whatever that may be. It would be much worse if he found out later on down the road from someone else. 7
todreaminblue Posted October 9, 2013 Posted October 9, 2013 I agree with mr castle for him to fidn otu from someone else would be bad, potentially could ruin the friendship he has with dan ...tell him asap, explain why you did, and hope that he understands and forgives both you and dan,there was no tal o fexlusivity but the fact dan is a mate doesnt bode well...., if he doesnt forgive you will know anyway, you did the right thing for both of you.....and also for dan....because if dan were being a true friend to bob, bob would already know what happened...possibility is...he does know..so coem clean and bring it out into the open other wise it is a bit sordid...clean it up......deb
acrosstheuniverse Posted October 9, 2013 Posted October 9, 2013 What exactly were Bob's reasons for disappearing, anyway? To be honest, if I were Bob, and I found out that you'd slept with Dan, I'd be uninterested in you for two reasons. A) you're the type to sleep with a guy's friend purely for revenge. It's not like you were interested in Dan to begin with, I'm all for casual sex but I'd wonder what your standards were if sex was something you used as part of a revenge plot. B) I wouldn't be able to get the thought of you sleeping with my friend out of my head. Chances are Bob won't even be mad at Dan as for all Dan knew, Bob wasn't even interested. But I bet if things get serious between you and Bob, Dan will feel so guilty at having had sex with his friend's new girlfriend that he'll spill the beans anyway. Then it'll be bros before hos and you'll be outta the door faster than you can say 'drama'. So really, you gotta just tell Bob yourself now before things go any further and take whatever happens. 4
Maxtor Posted October 9, 2013 Posted October 9, 2013 "Guys, this is the girl im in love with. Girl, this is Dan, which you hooked up and slept with. Now, let's all have dinner." 1
FitChick Posted October 9, 2013 Posted October 9, 2013 If the sexes in this story were reversed, I wonder what people might say.
Maxtor Posted October 10, 2013 Posted October 10, 2013 If the sexes in this story were reversed, I wonder what people might say. I would say the same thing, im not here to judge, it wasnt a good move. Can ruin friendship both ways. 1
ascendotum Posted October 10, 2013 Posted October 10, 2013 If Dan is the type of friend that tries to gazzump his mate and try and steal a girl away from him that he is interested in, then there is a good chance he is the type of guy that will casually drop it into conversation with Bob in a month or two's time (when he is just getting serious with you) that you have had sex with him, and more then once. If you hope your trysts with Dan stay buried and things get back on track with Bob. Forget it I reckon. Either come clean on what happened (which wont go down too well with Bob) or do what Bob did to you...drop out of the picture. I think you should chose the later. Make up some BS story and just move on. 1
StanMusial Posted October 10, 2013 Posted October 10, 2013 You sound like the girl that gets bounced around the crew then kicked to the curb. 1
Criticality Posted October 10, 2013 Posted October 10, 2013 You don't seriously believe that Dan hasn't told any of the other guys, right? Them being friends, I'd say there's a 50% likelihood he told at least one of them. If they consume alcohol at any time together, the chances go up to 90%. On the bright side: They have a friend with a wife and a kid, and don't cordon him off or try to intervene when he tries to get with a girl. That's good. Also the fact that they all tried to get with you? Something like this must have happened before. Also good. Both mean that its very likely that Bob will file your disclosure in the "Meh, crazy things that happen when you're drunk" file. If it comes from you and not one of his buddies, that is. Before you get serious. 2
Ninjainpajamas Posted October 10, 2013 Posted October 10, 2013 (edited) Bob 0, Dan 1 Can you guess which one is the "nice guy" fellas? Hope you're paying attention! Dan just wanted to take a stab it at, I doubt he's going to care or say much...since this is what he does to Bob anyway because he doesn't respect him. You should probably just end up messing around with Dan, since that's the kind of guy you'd be normally interested in anyway...Bob probably doesn't get the blood flowing or takes the initiative. Edited October 10, 2013 by Ninjainpajamas 4
MrCastle Posted October 10, 2013 Posted October 10, 2013 Bob 0, Dan 1 Can you guess which one is the "nice guy" fellas? Hope you're paying attention! Dan just wanted to take a stab it at, I doubt he's going to care or say much...since this is what he does to Bob anyway because he doesn't respect him. You should probably just end up messing around with Dan, since that's the kind of guy you'd be normally interested in anyway...Bob probably doesn't get the blood flowing or takes the initiative. Yup. She spent an entire day with Bob. 10am to 1am. Nothing physical. Out of nowhere, she hooks up with the other dude. Twice. There was nothing said before that that even indicated she was interested in him. 3
StanMusial Posted October 10, 2013 Posted October 10, 2013 You don't seriously believe that Dan hasn't told any of the other guys, right? Them being friends, I'd say there's a 50% likelihood he told at least one of them. If they consume alcohol at any time together, the chances go up to 90%. Yeah, they all know about the crazy chick they met this past summer. Yup. She spent an entire day with Bob. 10am to 1am. Nothing physical. Out of nowhere, she hooks up with the other dude. Twice. There was nothing said before that that even indicated she was interested in him. Bob is the guy that hangs around for the sloppy seconds then disappears afterwards. If he doesn't act quick it might be sloppy thirds. 1
crederer Posted October 10, 2013 Posted October 10, 2013 You're not exclusive with either of them. No explanation necessary. He'll likely find out and likely be upset, but you don't owe him anything. Bringing it up will not turn out well for anyone involved. Sometimes it's best to let sleeping dogs lie. If and when it does come up, tell him you're interested in him and that should be enough. If it's not, he's probably not meant for you. 1
veggirl Posted October 10, 2013 Posted October 10, 2013 (edited) Forget Bob. You hooked up with his friend, you go drinking with them etc....you are cemented as a homie hopper in these guys minds. lol how do you think Bob would feel finding out he went out with you and properly dated you and then you hooked up with Dan because of....I don't even know why! eta: I would assume Bob knows. Edited October 10, 2013 by veggirl 2
crederer Posted October 10, 2013 Posted October 10, 2013 Yah...in all likelyhood you're seen as the villiage bicycle now. It doesn't mean it's true but it is the perception.....
flight E Posted October 16, 2013 Posted October 16, 2013 I wonder y woman say men think with thier d..ks. Pls save yourself further embarrassment you can tell him the truth but you can't date him even if he wants to. They will all have no respect 4 u
salparadise Posted October 16, 2013 Posted October 16, 2013 There's more than one way to use a vagina. I'd say you should keep up the good work until you get enough material to write a book.
emva07 Posted October 16, 2013 Posted October 16, 2013 I don't think things were serious enough with Bob for him to even care/get mad. He may, however, not want a serious relationship with you once he finds out. If a serious relationship is what you want with Bob, you should probably tell him, him finding out the day prior to the wedding is going to suck. He WILL find out, He WILL be made fun of behind his back. What will be your answer when he asks "why did you sleep with him?" 1
stillafool Posted October 16, 2013 Posted October 16, 2013 I'm wondering are these the only guys in your town? Never screw around with friends because it will get back to them and you will be labeled a slut. Not only will you have that reputation but it is clear you play silly games. Please stop saying that all women of stalk because it's not true. I think you should leave this group alone. 1
2sure Posted October 16, 2013 Posted October 16, 2013 I don't think it's a big deal, but you have to tell Bob. Since Dan and Bob are good enough friends to have pulled off a "robbery" as you put it, Dan is totally going to tell him and probably already has. Since Bob came clean to you about his disappearing act, you should do the same. There isn't anything terrible about what you did ...unless you act like there is. 2
Phantom888 Posted October 16, 2013 Posted October 16, 2013 I am freakin confused by this modern language. When you say "hooked up" do you mean "had sex"??? When I asked a girl what hooking up means she said it means making out, and going out together. Then someone else told me it means sex. I am confused. To OP: If you had sex with Dan, you just have to confess to Bob, if you want Bob's respect. Dan is a bad friend. He doesn't even have a car....geez! They should have a duel, and the one left alive gets you.
bentleychic Posted October 16, 2013 Posted October 16, 2013 You don't want to ruin their friendship, but you went out with the guy's friend knowing it would get back to him. As a way of getting back at him for vanishing or whatever. Then proceeded to hook up with him not once, but twice. I would admit it like an adult and take your fate like a mature woman, whatever that may be. It would be much worse if he found out later on down the road from someone else. Castle is good. Castle is wise. What he said. 1
RogerWallace111 Posted October 16, 2013 Posted October 16, 2013 Compile the main points from a handful of posts in here and there you have it. Did you attempt to contact him in the two weeks or are you just sayin he didn't reach out to you? Not of much importance just curious... Anyway, I'm not saying anything here with the assumption that either Bob or Dan give the slightest ****. Bob may, but if he's the type to drop off the map like that- regardless of his lack of physical initiative and possible "pussy" status- he probably wasn't too hung up on her. Hate to be harsh without provocation but... You f*cked his buddy to spite him for leaving you hanging, and possibly just out of the boredom of not having a dick on deck. This isn't wrong per say. I might do the same if I were in a similar triangle with two female friends. But ONLY if I had no real interest in Girl A. If we went on some big date, I was starting to dig her, she gave me the cold shoulder, and I felt rejected or bored, I would f*ck an unaffiliated third party. Not her pal. But that brings me to my next point. If these guys talk openly about eachother's tendency to cockblock & "steal" girls from eachother, they're probably used to this sh*t and don't give a f*ck. Maybe they're former frat boys? They're probably cool with casual & you're probably over thinking it. You just can't have the cake and eat it too. If you ever had real interest in Bob and still hoped for him to resurface (which I'll assume you did from your concern about him), then spitefully f*cking his friend was a trash move. I'll echo others and say it's the petty motive and worst possible choice of revenge cock that make it "slut" behavior. Again, if I went on a long date and was subsequently cut off, of course I'm not gonna be waiting for her to turn up. That feeling is about is understandable as it gets. But you don't turn to their circle for "support". I'm curious if your concern with the situation is out of fear for your reputation or a real desire to pursue things with Bob. 3
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