Inflikted Posted October 9, 2013 Posted October 9, 2013 So, I'm a 24 year old guy, never dated, never been in a relationship, never done anything with a girl. I seem to have two issues that I struggle with, in this regard, though they're not necessarily related. The first is simply that I almost never find myself feeling personally attracted to girls. I can count on one hand the number of girls I've ever actually been attracted enough to, to want to pursue. Now before anyone asks this question, yes, I'm sure I'm straight. This seems to be a common question when people hear this. But no, I'm attracted to the idea of being with a woman, in general. Over the last eight or so years, I've met tons of different girls, and for the most part, they've been pleasant, and I've been friendly to them, but there have only been a very tiny handful I felt a personal attraction to on a more-than-friends level. And of course, those few girls were not interested in me that way, so nothing panned out. As far as I could tell, I've never had a girl express interest in dating me, either; it's always been mutual friendship. I don't really consider myself "picky"; it's not like I have some checklist in my head of very specific things a girl HAS to have, or anything like that. I'm generally pretty open-minded, and I'm really just looking at how well I get along with any particular girl, as far as attraction goes. I just never "feel" it. That's very frustrating, to me, because I WANT to date, I want to be with someone, but if I rarely ever feel personally attracted to a girl, none of that will ever happen. I don't understand what's wrong with me, in this regard. The other issue is simply that it's getting harder and harder for me to not think about how alone I am, and how there's "nothing on the horizon" for me, in terms of dating. For a few years, I was at a pretty good place, I had made peace with the fact that I was alone, and that meeting someone and being with them just wasn't going to happen any time soon. While I was in this "place", I really wasn't thinking much about this stuff, I was okay, I was just going about my business and pushing forward with my life as best I could. But last year, I met an amazing girl, we hit it off so well, everything was going great. She made me laugh, she made me think, she made me feel things I've never felt before. I was more attracted to her than anyone I've ever met before, and I really thought there was something there. Unfortunately, she didn't want to be with me. I still know her (not by choice), and the last 12-14 months have been difficult, having to watch her date and lust after other guys, knowing I could never be with her. Ever since I developed feelings for this girl, I just can't stop thinking about how I have no one in my life, I can't find anyone, I don't get to experience that, I don't get to know what it's like to be in a happy, healthy relationship with someone. I want all of that so badly, and I can't push these feelings away, I can't get back to the "place" I was in before, where I wasn't thinking about it at all. And thinking about it as much as I do just bums me out and makes me sad. 1
Outsider77 Posted October 10, 2013 Posted October 10, 2013 That's interesting. Do you feel you have a normal sex drive? Most young men are extremely interested in sex and would lower their standards just to be able to do it.
Author Inflikted Posted October 10, 2013 Author Posted October 10, 2013 That's interesting. Do you feel you have a normal sex drive? Most young men are extremely interested in sex and would lower their standards just to be able to do it. I would say I have a normal sex drive, yes. But I think one some level, I'm a bit too... wary of the actual act. What with STDs, and the risk of pregnancy (I've known SO many people that got pregnant unexpectedly over the years), I tend to confine my "sex drive" to just fantasy. If I'm being completely honest, I'm much more interested in making an emotional connection with a girl. I feel like I wouldn't enjoy sex very much if I didn't have feelings for the person I'd be doing it with. And at least that way, if something unexpected did happen, it would be with someone I actually have feelings for, and not just some random girl I don't care much for one way or another. 1
jimloveslips Posted October 10, 2013 Posted October 10, 2013 i've said this before, but stop looking - live your life as fully as possible, go out, join some groups, clubs, gym, find an activity that you can really get into, get your mind off the constant hunt, and without realizing it you'll meet someone who has a similar connection, and hopefully you'll hit it off... as for the sex drive, don't worry about it, some people are very driven, others more "selective", when you meet that special person they'll be no stopping you...
Outsider77 Posted October 10, 2013 Posted October 10, 2013 i've said this before, but stop looking - live your life as fully as possible, go out, join some groups, clubs, gym, find an activity that you can really get into, get your mind off the constant hunt, and without realizing it you'll meet someone who has a similar connection, and hopefully you'll hit it off... as for the sex drive, don't worry about it, some people are very driven, others more "selective", when you meet that special person they'll be no stopping you... I agree with this. You are still young. Don't worry about finding somebody, and just try to enjoy your life. It will happen. My current relationship happened by accident at a time when I was not looking for anything serious.
pteromom Posted October 10, 2013 Posted October 10, 2013 It sounds to me like you are picky in the right ways. You don't just want a pretty face - you want someone you actually connect with intellectually and physically and romantically. There is nothing wrong with this, and there's nothing wrong with not dating and just being single until you find that right person. I disagree about not looking though. If you are feeling that pull to find a relationship, and are sick of being single, then I think you need to look. Look in as many places as possible. Do OLD, join singles meet-up groups, go out to bars, concerts, fairs, etc. and talk to girls. If you meet someone intriguing, ask her out. See what happens. Being more selective means you need to increase the quantity of women you meet, so that you are more likely to meet one that does it for you.
hppr Posted October 10, 2013 Posted October 10, 2013 Describe this girl that you really liked, describe yourself, then describe the kinds of guys that she is lusting after and group everything together. You should find your answer somewhere within that context.
Author Inflikted Posted October 10, 2013 Author Posted October 10, 2013 i've said this before, but stop looking - live your life as fully as possible, go out, join some groups, clubs, gym, find an activity that you can really get into, get your mind off the constant hunt, and without realizing it you'll meet someone who has a similar connection, and hopefully you'll hit it off... as for the sex drive, don't worry about it, some people are very driven, others more "selective", when you meet that special person they'll be no stopping you... I agree with this. You are still young. Don't worry about finding somebody, and just try to enjoy your life. It will happen. My current relationship happened by accident at a time when I was not looking for anything serious. Well, again, that's the other problem I'm having. I used to be at a place where I wasn't thinking about it, I was just trying to let life take me wherever, and hope for the best. Then last year, I met that girl, and I really thought that was the moment I had been waiting for, that was that moment people talk about when they say "Just live your life, and it will happen for you one day". And ever since I fell for her, I just can't stop thinking about how alone I am, and how much I wish I could find someone to be with. I'm just so tired of never being able to have that in my life. It's depressing, and it's really starting to make me feel bad about myself. Describe this girl that you really liked, describe yourself, then describe the kinds of guys that she is lusting after and group everything together. You should find your answer somewhere within that context. Um... Okay? Well, she's intelligent, she's very mature, she's very driven, she's very brazen, she has a very "tell it like it is" attitude, never afraid to say exactly what she thinks about someone or something, she has a fairly snarky, sarcastic sense of humor. For the most part, I think she and I have a lot of similarities that way, except I'm a bit more easy going and laid back, more lax and passive, and that kind of thing. The guys I've seen her lust after have been kinda dumb, VERY cocky and full of themselves, somewhat sleazy (both guys she actually dated ended up cheating on her), that kind of thing. I mean, I guess one could say that the more "outward" type of confidence guys like that exude is more "exciting" and attractive than the more "quiet" confidence I go for, but I still don't really get why someone like her goes for guys like that. She's better than that, and she deserves better than the way her last two boyfriends treated her. It really sucks to care about a person and have to sit by and watch them go through stuff like that, again and again.
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