Is an affair the answer?

[rumbleseat]

For women or men who are considering having an affair, I would suggest you read this article:

 

How Often Do Affair Partners End up Marrying and Happy? | Affair Resources and Advice

 

 

It has some really interesting information.

[yellowmaverick]

I also like the article where the cheating husband says he stayed with his wife solely out of love for her. Once the OW showed her stripes, it was no contest.

[janedoe67]

Is an affair the answer?

 

NO

 

Nuff said

[JamesM]

Is an affair the answer?

 

NO

 

Nuff said

 

Ditto what Jane says.

 

Unfortunately, most affairs are not planned. Any article reading won't be about how to prevent one. It will be about how to pick up the pieces of a broken marriage after one.

[Criticality]

I also like the article where the cheating husband says he stayed with his wife solely out of love for her. Once the OW showed her stripes, it was no contest.

 

Yeah, the reality is that its pretty few affairs that end up in anything long term.

Less than ten percent.

The husband (or wife) usually ends up going back to their old marriage. It's really hard in the end for the OW to compete with the kind of attachment, partnership and yeah love that you build up over the years in a marriage.

[harrybrown]

It is never the answer. If there are problems that can not be fixed, get a divorce. Do not ever do this to another person.

[rumbleseat]

Ditto what Jane says.

 

Unfortunately, most affairs are not planned. Any article reading won't be about how to prevent one. It will be about how to pick up the pieces of a broken marriage after one.

 

 

Actually, an awful lot of affairs seem to start out as " we were just friends who crossed the line". Maybe reading might help someone realize that they have their toe on that line so they won't cross it.

[JamesM]

Actually, an awful lot of affairs seem to start out as " we were just friends who crossed the line". Maybe reading might help someone realize that they have their toe on that line so they won't cross it.

 

I agree with you that everyone should read these articles. I also agree that many affairs start as friends who crossed that line.

 

But I also think that while those are the people who need to know that (a) they are capable of affairs as is everyone else, (b) friendships with the opposite sex can lead into an affair if proper lines are not set, which usually means including the spouses, and © confiding one's marital problems to close opposite sex friends has a likely prospect of moving into an affair....these are precisely the people who won't read the articles, because they won't believe it will happen to them.

 

From what I read here and in other forums and hear in real life, by far the majority of people do not believe that they are capable of choosing an affair. They are stronger than that. They wouldn't hurt someone like that. It is for evil people, and that is not them. What they don't realize is that by far the majority of those who found themselves in an affair would have said exactly that prior to their affair.

[waterwoman]

Only if the question is a very odd one!

[Shepp]

From what I read here and in other forums and hear in real life, by far the majority of people do not believe that they are capable of choosing an affair. They are stronger than that. They wouldn't hurt someone like that. It is for evil people, and that is not them. What they don't realize is that by far the majority of those who found themselves in an affair would have said exactly that prior to their affair.

 

In the nicest way I totally disagree with that!

 

I truly believe its either in you or its not, just like everything else in the world is. Its in you to take risks, or its not. Its in you to take a bullet for someone, or its not. Its in you to pull the trigger, or its not. And I totally believe its in you to have an affair or its not.

 

Because having an affair isn't a robin-hood-crime, its not as you phrased it in the OP the answer for anything, its not doing wrong for the right reasons, its not something anyone could be driven to for the good of there family etc

That I can understand. I've done myself things that haven't been right, im not saint, but never to hurt people I love, normally to protect people I love.

 

The thing is of course you don't know what your capable of until your in the situation, or similar situations comprising of the same values, to prove it!

So some people who think there anti-affair obviously would crumble if it was handed to them on a plate. But not all, by no way near all!

Because most people will have been in situations where there honesty, integrity, loyalty... have been tested before, and hence a lot of people would know when there backs against the ropes where they'll stand/

 

The thought of going out and screwing some other girl and then coming home to my gf, or let alone say I had married her and she was my wife - let alone that! Coming home to her and lying to her face, pretending like everything was normal, letting her go on and make plans for the two of us, and chat about me with her friends and sort out bday presents for my family - the very thought of it makes me feel physically sick!

 

It feels like stabbing someone in the back - and for some people that is the answer, but to me its a weak answer.

Im a lot of things, and im far from perfect but the one thing im not, the one thing that it would kill me if people thought of me is that I was a coward! Im not saying I never do the wrong thing but I am saying, you'd always see me coming - id never stab someone in the back, anyone, even someone I didn't like, let alone a girl I loved, once, even if I didn't feel that way anymore!

 

So is an affair ever the answer? For some people it will be there answer...but till the day I die I'll always believe its the wrong answer!

For some people 2+2=5 but it doesn't mean there right.

Id don't see any possible way an affair can fix a relationship, it just a way to destroy it, so for me the answer is if your that un-happy man up and end it.

[Criticality]

Everyone is capable of an affair. One of the most common things you hear, when people talk about their affair is: "I never thought I would be unfaithful" or a variety thereof.

 

Biologically and psychologically speaking, humans are designed for multiple partners and affairs to a larger degree than to a 60 year long monogamous marriage. It's simply a biological fact. The monogamous marriage is to a large extent a sociological construct.

 

And the number of people who had affairs or extramarital sex is much larger than you might think. Many of the above are never revealed. There are numerous spouses who have stayed together for four or five decades, heck who are even buried next to each other, who went through life blissfully as a couple, with one (or both!) partners never having been aware of the other partners indiscretion. Whether it happened a single time or numerous times.

 

There are few black and white answers here.

Many times an affair can wreck a marriage. But many times it can make it stronger. Sometimes the decent thing is to reveal infidelity. Sometimes the decent thing is to take your secret to your grave, and never reveal it to the spouse.

 

Just look at the forums, there are plenty of examples of both.

[Shepp]

Everyone is capable of an affair. One of the most common things you hear, when people talk about their affair is: "I never thought I would be unfaithful" or a variety thereof.

 

Bull****, Bull****, Bull****!!!

 

People say what they want to make themselves feel better!

Whats the first thing 50% of 5year olds say when they get in trouble "ahh so-so did it too" ...it doesn't make it right and it doesn't make it better!

 

People can go round thinking everyother person in the universe would do it if they had the chance (which is complete and utter bull**** - and you know what? Id take offence if anyone turned round and said that to me!) and it still would never ever ever make it right........well maybe it would make it right in there heads but never in mine!

 

Of course people say 'i never though I would' what are they gonna say? "ahh yeah I've always had a feeling since I was yay high I have it in me to stab someone in the back?" smh

[Criticality]

Try to ask a marriage counsellor one of these days yourself.

 

He or she will tell you the same thing. It happens to all kinds.

 

A good part of their current clients are probably guys who themselves said "bull****!" at the thought of themselves having an affair. Until it happened.

[Shepp]

He or she will tell you the same thing. It happens to all kinds.

How are you defining 'kinds of people', if you slit it into two groups - those who'll cheat and those who wont then this professionals are only seeing representatives from one kind!

 

good part of their current clients are probably guys who themselves said "bull****!" at the thought of themselves having an affair. Until it happened.

 

Yeah because they built a nice image up of what there character was - but as I said earlier you don't know your character till its tested - theres hadn't been and when was they found it very different to what they thought!

Your character is always always always defined by your actions when It matters!

 

It would offend me at the highest highest level if anyone I knew ever ever thought I would be capable of doing something like that! Because an affair, as I said earlier, isn't a robin hood crime - which im sure im capable of, there is absolutely no point to it! its not even stabbing someone in the back for a bit of sex because you could just leave them and screw around as much as you want. Its a pointless betrayal of trust!

 

 

 

Its not even about the fact that my gf is stunning and I couldn't even find anyone as beautiful as her if I tried and its not about the fact that we're happy and id be a fool to throw that away!

 

None of that matters! Lets pretend i'm uncontrollably desperate for sex and have been reacted for the 10,567th time by my wife of 27 years, who also happens to be the wicked witch of the west...do I cheat....hell no!!

Its a bad situation and I have sympathy for the guy in it but cheating is the cowards way and I would lose all sympathy for him - because it is unnecessary - he either mans up and leaves or evidently it is haven't bad as he makes out, because she wants to stay in which case he needs to start making it better!

 

Why don't I? Because my word means something to me!

Honour, loyalty, integrity & courage are the key values by which I try to live my life.

When I give my word - it means something to me! and If I give my word to someone then I would die for them - and that's a statement about my character I can make because its been tested!

 

 

 

I try to be the best leader I can be on the football pitch, I want to be a leader at work, I hope one day i'll be a guy that my kids will be proud to call there dad! There was a quote m grandad used to always tell me - Become the kind of leader that people would follow voluntarily; even if you had no title or position. I don't personally believe you can lead people that don't trust in you!! I want when I die for people to be able to say for everything I did wrong and for all the mistakes I made - my word was my bond and they could trust me!

 

And that is too important to me to throw away on some cheap sex!

 

Im not saying im right...some guys clearly choose to live there life a different way to me - that's them. But it will never be me.

 

Never! Whatever people like to say to make themselves feel better about the decisions and life choices they make!

[JamesM]

It would offend me at the highest highest level if anyone I knew ever ever thought I would be capable of doing something like that!

 

You know that most every person who has cheated would have said this sometime prior to that date if asked?

 

Personally, I would be offended if someone told me that I would do such a thing, but yet I would respond that yes, I know I am as capable as the next guy. I also know that I am not as likely as every guy, because there are some that "flirt" with disaster by letting themselves do things that make it easier for them to cheat.

 

For me to know I am capable makes me do things to prevent myself from yielding to an affair before I am vulnerable to one.

 

 

 

None of that matters! Lets pretend i'm uncontrollably desperate for sex and have been reacted for the 10,567th time by my wife of 27 years, who also happens to be the wicked witch of the west...do I cheat....hell no!!

 

Have you been there yet? As I would say to myself, let's wait and see. BUT having said that, I will do now what I can to prevent it knowing that I am capable of it.

 

Its a bad situation and I have sympathy for the guy in it but cheating is the cowards way and I would lose all sympathy for him - because it is unnecessary - he either mans up and leaves or evidently it is haven't bad as he makes out, because she wants to stay in which case he needs to start making it better!

 

Just as a non-parent finds it easy to arm chair quarterback the parents of children who are unruly, so it seems that we who have not walked in another's shoes find it easy to know what should be done. I can tell you that throughout life I can look back and see decisions I have made which have affected me today...good or bad. I also know that some of them I would change. And if you had asked me twenty five years ago, would you do such and such? I would have said no. Sometimes I have done things I regret and didn't think I would ever do. Some things that I have done are things that twenty five years ago would have impressed me that I actually did.

 

Point being....we may be tested in one area and can say how we would react. yet in a completely different area, our actions would be less than stellar and not how we would like to see ourselves react.

 

I would not lose all sympathy for him. I would not think I am above such a person. And yet....knowing I have been there, I could say that a much better solution is available and it isn't divorce either.

[Shepp]

You know that most every person who has cheated would have said this sometime prior to that date if asked?

Of course, what else are they going to say?

I know plenty of lads who've cheated, some good mates of mine, lovely guys but there values have always been very different to mine.

 

Personally, I would be offended if someone told me that I would do such a thing, but yet I would respond that yes, I know I am as capable as the next guy.

And that's why women think all guys cheat, because guys go and say all guys cheat, and that's bulls***, and im sorry but it is, and that does offend me, a lot!!

And I don't even mean to be blunt about it, I said I've got friends who've cheated, it doesn't make them bad people, my own gf I couldnt love her more, I couldn't think more of her as a person but she had an incident with a lad thinking her and him were a lot more exclusive than they were...people cheat - but I don't! And im opposed to being told I do or I will because im a guy - bulls***!!

 

I also know that I am not as likely as every guy, because there are some that "flirt" with disaster by letting themselves do things that make it easier for them to cheat.

Like what?

I don't see how a situation can make cheating easier or harder. You either do or you don't.

 

 

Have you been there yet? As I would say to myself, let's wait and see.

Yeah lets!!

 

You know you say have I been there yet? And actually I haven't been as far as im sure you think I have!!

I waited on my gf before she was even my gf for long time, a really long time, im not gonna bother with the whys. but I had other girls, lots, proposition me, come up to me, there was a few that were pretty persistent and you know what I was to all intents and purposes a free agent, I was single, she was sleeping around I would 'technically' of been doing anything wrong....did I do it?

No, I said no, I walked away, time after time - because I knew it would Alex if I didn't! And because it would throw away everything we had - even though at that point it wasn't all that much, it certainly wasn't a marriage! But it was something it was a stepping stone to what we have now!

 

Just as a non-parent finds it easy to arm chair quarterback the parents of children who are unruly,

I wouldn't.

 

so it seems that we who have not walked in another's shoes find it easy to know what should be done

Everyone has there own set of moral codes - the only opinion you can ever offer is what someone would need to do too meet yours.

Obviously it is of no ones concern to meet mine but me, but I cant offer opinion based on someone's own because I don't know them.

 

I can tell you that throughout life I can look back and see decisions I have made which have affected me today...good or bad. I also know that some of them I would change. And if you had asked me twenty five years ago, would you do such and such? I would have said no. Sometimes I have done things I regret and didn't think I would ever do. Some things that I have done are things that twenty five years ago would have impressed me that I actually did.

Point being....we may be tested in one area and can say how we would react. yet in a completely different area, our actions would be less than stellar and not how we would like to see ourselves react.

When did I ever say I wont make mistakes?

I didn't. I said id never cheat! and I stand by 100%. more than 100% if It was mathematically possible!

Im not saying that everyone should be disgusted with themselves if they have an affair - im saying I WOULD be disgusted with myself! Im saying that I couldn't look the guy in the mirror in the eye, and id rather fall on my sword before I did that.

 

I would not lose all sympathy for him.

Forgiving isn't my strong suit - im sure your the much more forgiving guy!

 

I would not think I am above such a person.

I never ever said im a better person or that I was above them in anyway!

I did say I would never ever carry out the action that they did, and I stand by it!!

[Criticality]

Quote:

None of that matters! Lets pretend i'm uncontrollably desperate for sex and have been reacted for the 10,567th time by my wife of 27 years, who also happens to be the wicked witch of the west...do I cheat....hell no!!

 

Sex is just one of many reasons that people end up in affairs. In many cases sex is the least important reason.

 

And yes, everyone is capable of affairs.

Some of the people that end up in them might have resisted temptation multiple times before all the right circumstances came together, and they cheated on their partner.

 

The people most likely to cheat is probably the ones that are absolutely certain that its below them and their impressive moral fiber. Especially when it comes to emotional affairs. Because they're so certain they wont stray, they're the least aware of it when it happens.

[Shepp]

And yes, everyone is capable of affairs.

How can you turn round and write that like its some sort of fact! It isn't, its a load of bull!

You've personally met every guy in the world yeah? and deemed them all capable?

 

 

Some of the people that end up in them might have resisted temptation multiple times before all the right circumstances came together, and they cheated on their partner.

What temptation?

I could be stuck in an elevator for 5 days with Cheryl Cole and there would be NO temptation because I have NO desire WHATSOEVER to cheat on my gf!

Circumstances - by which I assume you mean what, that you think you could get away with it or that the girl is suitable hot that you don't care? That doesn't come into it! I don't give a s*** about that, I don't give a s*** if I 'could get away with it' because the fact is I couldn't - not from one person - myself, I would have to live the rest of my life with that, the rest of my life not being able to look the man in the mirror in the eye...so there are no exemplary circumstances!

...assuming by some what you really mean is Shepp?

 

The people most likely to cheat is probably the ones that are absolutely certain that its below them and their impressive moral fiber.

hahah oh do one!!

Now I know some real sleazebag guys, talk about there gf's like there nothing, hit on other girls left right and centre, talk about getting other guys but yeah im sure your totally right, im sure its the guys who value there relationship and even above that hold a strong belief in living with the values of integrity and loyalty and honesty - im sure their much more likely!

That's bulls***, c'mon!!

 

You don't even know me, how the hell can you stand there and say im 'mostly likely' to cheat when in a relationship!? **** that!! I cant think of a time anyone has ever said anything so offensive to me!! Jesus!!

 

Especially when it comes to emotional affairs. Because they're so certain they wont stray, they're the least aware of it when it happens.

How can you not realise your having an affair..

[The dot]

Ditto what Jane says.

 

Unfortunately, most affairs are not planned. Any article reading won't be about how to prevent one. It will be about how to pick up the pieces of a broken marriage after one.

 

Why do you want to "pick up the pieces"? If you're having an affair, it's clear that the other person doesn't satisfy your needs in some way. Ditto if your partner is having an affair. The best option is to simply cut your losses and get out. If you stay there after the affair, it's always going to be thrown in your face everytime you have a disagreement. Who wants to live like that?

[rumbleseat]

How can you turn round and write that like its some sort of fact! It isn't, its a load of bull!

You've personally met every guy in the world yeah? and deemed them all capable?

 

 

 

What temptation?

I could be stuck in an elevator for 5 days with Cheryl Cole and there would be NO temptation because I have NO desire WHATSOEVER to cheat on my gf!

Circumstances - by which I assume you mean what, that you think you could get away with it or that the girl is suitable hot that you don't care? That doesn't come into it! I don't give a s*** about that, I don't give a s*** if I 'could get away with it' because the fact is I couldn't - not from one person - myself, I would have to live the rest of my life with that, the rest of my life not being able to look the man in the mirror in the eye...so there are no exemplary circumstances!

...assuming by some what you really mean is Shepp?

 

 

hahah oh do one!!

Now I know some real sleazebag guys, talk about there gf's like there nothing, hit on other girls left right and centre, talk about getting other guys but yeah im sure your totally right, im sure its the guys who value there relationship and even above that hold a strong belief in living with the values of integrity and loyalty and honesty - im sure their much more likely!

That's bulls***, c'mon!!

 

You don't even know me, how the hell can you stand there and say im 'mostly likely' to cheat when in a relationship!? **** that!! I cant think of a time anyone has ever said anything so offensive to me!! Jesus!!

 

 

How can you not realise your having an affair..

 

I read acoup,e of articles some time back where the researchers found that some people really are "wired" to only be with one person at a time. I feel that way myself. It never even occurs to me to do ever be with someone else. I do get advances from time to time,but I don't understand why someone would do so. Maybe that ties in there somewhere. If you are someone to whom fidelity comes naturally, you will never understand the mindset of someone to whom it does not.

[rumbleseat]

I was that person. I didn't even have a crush on more than one guy as a teenager. I didn't flirt or seek male attention. It wasn't repressed it just wasn't a thought in my head.

 

Then I became a fool for one guy and behaved in away that went against my very moral fibre.

 

Every body CAN choose to cheat. Thankfully not eveyone so chooses just because they can.

 

See, that's the thing. When I wasn't with anyone ( I've been married nearly 18 years, so it was a while ago), I would, without really meaning to, flirt and seek male attention. I liked being in a relationship and always have, but when I am, it's all I want. When any sort of relationship I have with another man even has the tiniest hint that they want more, it feels bad and nasty to me.

 

Maybe I am overly sensitive or something else. I don't know.i do kind of go a bit too far with it sometimes and maybe sense intentions that are not there? I'm kind of bad at reading people, and I'm sure men have more on their minds.

Edited October 12, 2013 by rumbleseat

[Shepp]

I read acoup,e of articles some time back where the researchers found that some people really are "wired" to only be with one person at a time.

I'm sure of it.

I think it's mindblowingly naive to make statements about what all guys are capable of, as if guys are identical robots rather than individuals with different strengths, weaknesses, values, abilities, desires and wiring.

 

I do get advances from time to time,but I don't understand why someone would do so. Maybe that ties in there somewhere. If you are someone to whom fidelity comes naturally, you will never understand the mindset of someone to whom it does not.

True. In my head it is very black and white and I can't fathom how there could ever be gray - yet clearly some people claim there is.

 

But just because some people see the world like that the have no standing to turn round and tell me that I must see it like that, as must every other guy based purly on the fact that they and Gary down the road do!

[Shepp]

Maybe I am overly sensitive or something else. I don't know.

 

I don't understand his thread! I don't understand how it can possibly come to people having to defend their character because they stand up and say they wouldn't stab the person in the world that they swore to protect and love in the back!

[rumbleseat]

I don't understand his thread! I don't understand how it can possibly come to people having to defend their character because they stand up and say they wouldn't stab the person in the world that they swore to protect and love in the back!

 

 

I agree, but there's more to it than that for me.

 

Even if my husband was treating me horribly, and was the absolute biggest jerk in the world, I still wouldn't be able to have an affair. It just feels wrong. I just couldn't ever feel comfortable doing so.

 

if there are people whop feel that they do have the ability to cheat, but are careful to make different choices, that's really great for them. They have awareness about themselves and have learned to have good boundaries and self knowledge. They say anyone can cheat because they want to help keep others from making the same mistakes they did. That is a good thing.

 

Others will just insist everyone can cheat because they did, and they want to feel like less of a lech. It all depends on who you talk to

Edited October 13, 2013 by rumbleseat

[almond]

Everyone may be capable of feeling the temptation, but it is ridiculous to state that everyone is capable of engaging in an affair.

 

Some of us may be broken down emotionally by unsatisfying or abusive relationships. We may not all have the strength to get out, but many of us do. Those that remain stuck may engage in affairs, but I can tell you now, if I ever find myself in an unsatisfying relationship and am tempted to begin an affair, it would be a huge wake up call for me, and I'd be headed straight to the best therapist money could buy, in hopes to restore and save the person that I am, and the moral code that I plan to adhere to for life. This is worth more than anything to me, and if I felt it slipping, I'd go to great lengths to save it.

 

I know my values, and I know what I believe. My actions shape who I am, and I like myself. I wouldn't give that up for anything. I know without a doubt that having an affair would do nothing but shatter me, and I don't think that at any point I would be able to delude myself into thinking otherwise. Loyalty and integrity are two things that I wouldn't trade for the world. If life breaks me down to the point where I am considering betraying my core values and beliefs to such an extent, I am sure that I would have the mind to realise that I need help, and I'd be going to get it pretty damn quickly - as soon as the thought crossed my mind it would be a red flag for me, and I would identify that something is very, very wrong with me.

 

Sure, betraying someone you love is a terrible thing, but my post doesn't really cover that. Having an affair is a deep betrayal of yourself more than anything else, and I imagine recovering from this to be a very difficult process.

 

So ya, I'll pass on the affairs thanks. Again, it is silly to state than everyone is capable of such actions, because frankly, it's just not true. Some of us have more strength and self-awareness than others.

Edited October 13, 2013 by almond