AnyaNova Posted October 9, 2013 Posted October 9, 2013 Starting over again. Finding out that he doesn't care enough about me to send me a short text where my personal safety is involved was rather the equivalent of diving in an empty pool or burning my hand in acid. I don't know what his deal is, but I am not making that mistake again. I thought I was seeing someone who was caring. Now I do not even know. Back on the bandwagon. 4
AnnaAnna Posted October 9, 2013 Posted October 9, 2013 Starting over again. Finding out that he doesn't care enough about me to send me a short text where my personal safety is involved was rather the equivalent of diving in an empty pool or burning my hand in acid. I don't know what his deal is, but I am not making that mistake again. I thought I was seeing someone who was caring. Now I do not even know. Back on the bandwagon. It doesn't mean he doesn't care. He just might think this is another way of you trying to stay in touch and he might not be ready for it. Keep your pride and try not to reach out again no matter what. I have thought about so many reasons to contact my ex but decided to give him his space and time to heal. As hard as it is at times, we have to put ourselves first. I was the needy one, calling and begging all the time and if I can do it, I know you can too. 1
lindsay1990 Posted October 9, 2013 Posted October 9, 2013 It doesn't mean he doesn't care. He just might think this is another way of you trying to stay in touch and he might not be ready for it. Keep your pride and try not to reach out again no matter what. I have thought about so many reasons to contact my ex but decided to give him his space and time to heal. As hard as it is at times, we have to put ourselves first. I was the needy one, calling and begging all the time and if I can do it, I know you can too. I agree that he might have been a little apprehensive about your motives. If after Nd my ex (dumpee) contacted me under any pretense that I felt would put me on the spot, like a personal safety situation, where I look loke a callous jerk if I don't reply, I would feel a little manipukated. Definitiely not saying that's whatbyou were trying to do, but I have experienced and hated being out on the spot like that. And actually made me resent the persona a bit because a part of me felt pressured for a reaction after NC for weeks. Idk... I doubt he doesn't care at all, but he might feel a little like I did.
Author AnyaNova Posted October 9, 2013 Author Posted October 9, 2013 If he doesn't know me well enough to know that I wasn't trying to manipulate him, that I was genuinely scared, than he never knew me at all. 1
JoelBarish Posted October 9, 2013 Posted October 9, 2013 If he doesn't know me well enough to know that I wasn't trying to manipulate him, that I was genuinely scared, than he never knew me at all. Could be that he didn't want to give you false hope. You texted him so he probably knew that you were okay enough to text. But it does not matter what his motives are, he is the past. Now is the time to take care of Anya. Try, try again. 1
petall Posted October 9, 2013 Posted October 9, 2013 Feel for you that he didn't reply. It's brought you pain but thanks for sharing with people like me that it's best to stick to NC however hard it is. Stay strong. 3
vascularity Posted October 9, 2013 Posted October 9, 2013 Regardless of how you frame the situation (safety, comfort, reassurance, whatever), you need to realize that your intrinsic motivation was to get a reaction out of him, not an answer. The heartbroken brain is truly amazing in how it can backwards rationalize anything, and you need to be cognizant of that, especially as emotionally-implicated as you are. My intent isn't to chastise you or be mean, but he's probably not writing back because he perceives it as a flimsy excuse to reach out to him. My ex, through breadcrumbs or LC, constantly would try to embed subtly emotional content like wanting to know my STD test results or mentioning how pepper spray I'd bought her long ago came in handy. I humored the former, as it was a preexisting thread prior to our breakup, but realistically, I was too blinded at the time to realize that her question alone was a feeler, a breadcrumb. The only difference between you and her is that she is the dumper and you are the dumpee, which means that your ex should be the only one initiating contact for any reason. I'm genuinely sorry that you had a creeper outside your window, that is truly disconcerting, but it's also not your ex's responsibility to deal with unless you are sure beyond a shadow of a doubt that it was him stalking you. 2
Hippie Lady Posted October 9, 2013 Posted October 9, 2013 Forget about your ex right now, think about you. You should reconnect with people in your life who you can contact now when you're feeling 'scared', or sad, lonely, depressed and even happy or excited, because as soon as you realize he walked away, you'll realize that it doesn't matter what he says/thinks when you're scared, because you're right 'he doesn't care' at least not how you want him to right now, or possibly ever again. There are lots of people who will though and you'll always have yourself to lean on and if you know you can count on yourself you won't have to contact him. Good luck, you're strong, believe it! 2
Author AnyaNova Posted October 10, 2013 Author Posted October 10, 2013 Indeed. Putting the pieces together about how it was always comforting him after or as he was in the process of hurting me, really cemented in my mind why I is a great thing that we are over. He was not emotionally mature enough to be able to take responsibility, during the times that he did hurt me, and comfort me. Obviously excluding he day of the actual breakup, when to do so would have been detrimental. Anyway. Back to NC. If I get wistful or sad, and want to contact him, I will simply remind myself of my new motto. That I should instead go dip a hand in a vat of acid. Ultimately healthier, more rewarding a, and less painful than contacting the ex. :-) 2
sniperz Posted October 10, 2013 Posted October 10, 2013 Indeed. Putting the pieces together about how it was always comforting him after or as he was in the process of hurting me, really cemented in my mind why I is a great thing that we are over. He was not emotionally mature enough to be able to take responsibility, during the times that he did hurt me, and comfort me. Obviously excluding he day of the actual breakup, when to do so would have been detrimental. Anyway. Back to NC. If I get wistful or sad, and want to contact him, I will simply remind myself of my new motto. That I should instead go dip a hand in a vat of acid. Ultimately healthier, more rewarding a, and less painful than contacting the ex. :-) Keep it up, girl. You'll be tougher. 1
JoelBarish Posted October 10, 2013 Posted October 10, 2013 Indeed. Putting the pieces together about how it was always comforting him after or as he was in the process of hurting me, really cemented in my mind why I is a great thing that we are over. He was not emotionally mature enough to be able to take responsibility, during the times that he did hurt me, and comfort me. Obviously excluding he day of the actual breakup, when to do so would have been detrimental. Anyway. Back to NC. If I get wistful or sad, and want to contact him, I will simply remind myself of my new motto. That I should instead go dip a hand in a vat of acid. Ultimately healthier, more rewarding a, and less painful than contacting the ex. :-) May our exes be banished to the opposite side of the universe so we never have to see, be contacted by, or otherwise be hurt by them again. 3
Author AnyaNova Posted October 10, 2013 Author Posted October 10, 2013 May our exes be banished to the opposite side of the universe so we never have to see, be contacted by, or otherwise be hurt by them again. I love it! It sounds like the Gaelic blessing for the broken hearted. If its not, it should be! 2
loveofhorses1970 Posted October 10, 2013 Posted October 10, 2013 Day 1 starting tomorrow for me. I had an outpatient surgery today. I hadn't deleted his cell number from my phone. My friend whom drove me to and from the surgical center sent out two texts to all my contacts as an update. He was included in both texts. No response. That cements it for me ...this is over. I still wake up thinking about him. I still go to sleep thinking about him. I still find myself looking at my cell for texts, missed calls, and checking Facebook for updates. All this has to stop. It isn't helpful for anyone, especially for me. I think the scariest part of NC is "will he/she forget me"? I don't think anyone every truly forgets someone when they had a relationship with them. But many men seem to project a confident exterior that certainly makes a woman think otherwise. Thoughts seem to pop up at anytime, for no particular reason. My hope is I can begin to channel those thoughts into prayer for his peace and release, as well as peace and release for myself. So, here's to tomorrow...Day 1 NC...and praying for the strength for sticking with it 1
JoelBarish Posted October 10, 2013 Posted October 10, 2013 Day 1 starting tomorrow for me. I had an outpatient surgery today. I hadn't deleted his cell number from my phone. My friend whom drove me to and from the surgical center sent out two texts to all my contacts as an update. He was included in both texts. No response. That cements it for me ...this is over. I still wake up thinking about him. I still go to sleep thinking about him. I still find myself looking at my cell for texts, missed calls, and checking Facebook for updates. All this has to stop. It isn't helpful for anyone, especially for me. I think the scariest part of NC is "will he/she forget me"? I don't think anyone every truly forgets someone when they had a relationship with them. But many men seem to project a confident exterior that certainly makes a woman think otherwise. Thoughts seem to pop up at anytime, for no particular reason. My hope is I can begin to channel those thoughts into prayer for his peace and release, as well as peace and release for myself. So, here's to tomorrow...Day 1 NC...and praying for the strength for sticking with it They will never forget us even if sometimes it seems that they wish they could do so. 1
loveofhorses1970 Posted October 11, 2013 Posted October 11, 2013 Thank you, Joel. That means something to me, as it is coming from a man's point of view. I have a friend I text when those thoughts won't go away. I keep telling her she missed her calling as a counselor. She is so good with advice and calming my anxiety. I've started a journal with her tips/advice. I've added some things posters here have said, as well. I'll have to add yours. We'll all get through this. <3 1
JoelBarish Posted October 11, 2013 Posted October 11, 2013 Thank you, Joel. That means something to me, as it is coming from a man's point of view. I have a friend I text when those thoughts won't go away. I keep telling her she missed her calling as a counselor. She is so good with advice and calming my anxiety. I've started a journal with her tips/advice. I've added some things posters here have said, as well. I'll have to add yours. We'll all get through this. <3 Thanks for the appreciation but it is true. I told you in the other thread how my ex reacted when she saw me last Friday. I can tell by her reaction of just walking out that the sight of me still got to her emotionally even if was in a negative way. She may wish that I was gone from her life forever but the emotional history will always be there. And as a guy, I can tell you that I remember all my exes, even the bad ones. You are lucky to have such a friend. 1
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