Surprising Relationship (Financial) Deal -breakers!

[soccerrprp]

Okay, a rare thread starter for me.

 

I found this article/video on some very important relationship deal-breakers that focuses on MONEY/FINANCES. It makes sense and suspect that most would agree with them.

 

Surprising Relationship Dealbreakers - Yahoo Finance

 

I am especially interested in the 60% income bit. My current gf makes tons more money than I do and certainly more than 60% of our current combined income. Boy, I better be especially attentive and good to her, huh?

 

Anyway, how do you all feel about these deal-breakers? And do you feel that all ARE deal-breakers? A variation of any of them? And is it that surprising now days?

[Copelandsanity]

Having a low credit score, having high debt, or not making as much money as your SO isn't the deal-breaker. The deal-breaker is the personality flaw that causes the situation. Most don't want to be in relationships with others that have no ambition, or are unintelligent or reckless.

[Mascara]

Yep, most of those would be deal breakers for me.

[carhill]

I personally haven't seen that (the premise of the article) to be the case in my personal or business life. Far more important is attraction. The stronger the attraction, the less important, relatively, are such 'deal breakers'.

 

However, in support of the article's premise, I can share that, once I became focused on caregiving and my contribution to marital income fell below the ratio mentioned in the article, indeed my exW did become more irritable, less affectionate and, forensically, 'checked out' of the M. Whether the money part was specifically the reason or not is unknown, but other forensic evidence suggests it was an important one.

 

As an anecdote, my current and historical credit score is at least 100 points higher than that of my present and past tenants (based on the background checks I perform) and all of those tenants were/are, even with credit problems, coupled up, either being married or cohabiting and, in a couple of cases, the women were/are the primary breadwinners, refuting the premise of the article. I'm divorced and single. Remember, attraction. Financial success/fiscal responsibility is an aspect which *may* apply after the ticket to entrance provided by attraction exists. I would opine, in support of the article that, in my demographic, the less powerful the man is, either globally or due to transitory life circumstance, the more likely the woman is to view his presence as transitory and subject to 'trading up'. Whether or not she acts upon that is specific to personal perspectives and value systems.

[pteromom]

Making more than me wouldn't be a dealbreaker, but the other three would be, if I was planning on a LTR with someone. Why get involved with someone that is just going to cause financial worries?

[soccerrprp]

carhill,

 

your post depresses me a little.

 

So, I'm assuming that finances are something you all would talk about very early in a relationship, right? I mean for those of you who are especially concerned about the financial aspect of finding a partner.

 

When is a good time to talk about finances? 1st week of dating? 1st month? This is assuming that you've become exclusive, of course.

[carhill]

At my stage in life, I'm pretty transparent about such issues. It's a relatively easy and pain-free method of eliminating incompatible potentials. Generally, such revelations come about during ordinary conversations about daily affairs. Since my life isn't structured by work, meaning work isn't an organized and elaborated routine, women who require that are automatically self-selected out. The rest do what they do and what works out works out. I'm a lot more sensitive to required attraction, its levels and its importance now than I was prior to being married. The rest results from experience and counseling, accepting the what and the how of the conversations as authentic and processing that information without, as much as possible, the cloud of any attraction I might feel. Perhaps that segregation of limerence is a function of age; perhaps of experience. IDK.

 

The downside I see, relevant to the article, is that, if women indeed have become more discriminating, along with becoming more successful and independent financially, the pool of apparently available and compatible men will continue to shrink, simply due to the function of demographics. To be honest, I'll be happy to smile my last days content in the life path chosen, even if it runs counter to conventional wisdom of the day. A happy life can be its own reward.

[Sanman]

With the exception of making more money than me, I agree with these deal breakers and thy have definitely caused my to end relationships. I will also had that someone who is obsessed with labels and status is not a good fit for me. I actually broke up with a gf for the same reason as the woman in the article (parties all month and then calls to tell me she has money money to pay rent. Inevitably, she stiffed me for the $400 she owed me for a trip we took together that I put up the cash for (a trip that was her idea). I find that a lot these characteristics have to do with personality traits that I really did not like for more than the short term, such as impulsivity. Great when you play hookie to go to the beach, but a drag when it leads to not following up on your commitments as an adult.

[soccerrprp]

A happy life can be its own reward.

 

Ah, a happy life [sigh]. That's what we all want, right? But, it looks like it now has a financial litmus attached to obtaining it.

[carhill]

it looks like it now has a financial litmus attached to obtaining it.

It can, for some people. Funnily, if I were to rewind, my parents made about equal incomes (if financial documents in their effects are any indicator) prior to my mom choosing to become a SAHM when becoming pregnant with me. That was in the 1950's. I think the difference between then and now has to do with the percentage of women who view men differently, relevant to what the term 'provider' means. I'm sure there were, historically, women who discriminated very clearly upon the parameters covered in the article when qualifying a mate. IMO, the main thing which has changed is the numbers who do and the numbers those particular people use as thresholds for what is a deal-breaker and what isn't.

 

There's no doubt, from long experience with MW's, that they'll work to stay in a M with a strong provider, even if the M is otherwise unhealthy, either by their account or independent observation. However, with increasing discrimination and financial independence, I could see that number falling, either through choosing to live alone or trading up. Lots of opportunities for those who seek them. Exciting times.

[acrosstheuniverse]

It really depends on the issues, tbh. When I got with my ex I had a great credit score, and he had a really bad one and was in the process of consolidating all of his debts with a debt charity to pay them off. It didn't really bother me what he did in his past as I saw how he managed his finances day to day and he was more responsible than me, was making the effort to address all of his debt rather than dodge it.

 

Now, my finances are terrible. A series of unfortunate events (my mother dying and leaving not enough for the funeral or the headstone, my car going kaput and having to open an overdraft for another cheap one to keep my job as a driver, coupled with some additional unwise emotional-based actions like trying to buoy myself up by buying clothes etc. to make me happy when I lost her...), a mixture between necessity and hard times and reckless spending, and my credit score is essentially going to be appalling for at least six years. I've decided to do an order to put them on hold and hopefully wipe them if my financial situation doesn't improve... I've always worked, always paid my bills, am studying, have always had at least two jobs at once but yeah, things haven't worked out. I lost my home twice, once when I moved out to uni and my parents split and one died, and one got a place I'd never be welcome to stay at and once when my ex left me in our flat I couldn't afford alone. While most of my friends went home after university to save up for a house deposit or just to eliminate their overdrafts while they found jobs I didn't have that luxury so I kept on struggling to support myself with no safety net. I also lost my job a couple of times through the businesses going into liquidation and quickly found myself with a couple of months of deficit building up while I found something else.

 

I was upfront with the bf from the start about all of that, as there's no point trying to hide it as a lack of honestly destroys trust and intimacy for me, and he'd find out eventually anyway. Turns out he's in just about as much debt as me and is taking my lead to sort his own out.

 

So financial issues aren't really an issue for me whether it's me with the problems or my partner, times are hard and as long as somebody is working and supporting themselves as best as they can, it depends on the reason for the debt (buying a fancy car when you don't earn enough for the repayments would indicate recklessness, being left with debt from a partner or parent dying is another thing entirely). I would understand somebody wanting to keep their finances separately from me entirely.

 

I've made some stupid decisions and been left with some difficult issues to handle but I'm not particularly ashamed of the debt issue, I'm addressing it now and at least at 25 I'm taking the bull by the horns instead of letting it accumulate further. Perpetually living beyond your means is a red flag but as long as it's in somebody's past and they've learnt to be responsible now I'm fine with that. I really wouldn't judge somebody for not wanting to date me for my financial issues as that's their decision and obviously it is going to cause some problems in the future in one way or another, and people have a right to look for what they want in a partner. I do think I have a lot to offer other than that, though. I work hard, I am independent and support myself, I'm educated, I have two jobs, I volunteer in my spare time and am a good person. I have great friends, I'm attractive and I'm fun to be around. I don't feel particularly concerned if a guy rejects me for the debt as I know plenty of guys who would look past it and into the rest of the facets of my character that appeal to them

Edited October 9, 2013 by acrosstheuniverse

[Art_Critic]

My ex-wife had great credit when we got married, 5 years later it was horrible and post divorce once she lost her ATM she filed corporate and personal bankruptcy.

 

So a good credit score isn't always an indicator of if they will pull the marriage down with their financial issues.

My credit has always been good and stayed good throughout that marriage, I had her incorporate her business when we got married so I had some corporate shield from anything her company might do, a wise choice in the end.

 

Debt is also relative to how much money they make or their net worth.

 

It depends on how you look at my debt to whether or not it looks bad

Most of the mortgages for the business's and rentals are owned by a property corporation that we own, so the company has the debt but I own 50% of the company, couple that with my personal home mortgages and it looks pretty bad on paper unless I pull P&L's

 

Transparent... I have tried to be with my current wife.. she certainly has access to all the info and is the trustee of the estate but honestly she isn't as interested in money or finances as she is in child rearing so I still make all the decisions regarding investing and most without her input unless they are purchases for the home.

 

after my first marriage I certainly would not wish that on anyone as the stress caused by the money issues was huge.. but on paper she looked good in the beginning..

[EasyHeart]

I'll just add one thing that I've said before: I care more about a woman's outgo than her income. I think spending habits are more significant than how much money you make.

 

If both of you are content living below your means, then money is never going to be a problem. If one or both of you wants to live above your means, then money is inevitably going to be a stress factor in the relationship.