guyonrollercoaster Posted October 9, 2013 Posted October 9, 2013 The other night, my fiance was telling me about her girlfriend's messages to her. This girlfriend is not a close friend and my fiance doesnt like her all that much, but they do work together and text on occasion. Her girlfriend is married and a habitual cheater. She usually texts my fiance with the details of her latest "adventure" and my fiance always shares them with me. The last one i was very curious about. I picked up my fiances phone while she was out of the room to see it for myself. I know... i was snooping and im not proud of it. Anyway, her friend was saying how she wasnt sure whether to take this other man up on his offer and what to do. My fiance replied to her "Go for it!" "I would" I felt sick about it and I have been obsessing over it. I want it out of my mind. I should have never looked. Now im finding myself looking for opportunities to check her phone again to see if i can find something else. Am I reading too much into what my fiance told her? Was my fiance saying she would cheat on me too or was it just casual girl talk? Another womans point of view on this would be helpful. Thanks
acrosstheuniverse Posted October 9, 2013 Posted October 9, 2013 It's a bit suspicious, but really it could mean anything. For all you know, your gf could have meant that if she were in her friend's position, she'd go for it, because obviously her relationship is a bit of a sham already and it probably doesn't matter at this stage how many more times she cheat. Maybe the friend's partner also cheats constantly and fidelity isn't particularly necessary in their relationship, who knows? It would make me feel sick seeing that from my partner to a friend, I admit, I'm just saying it doesn't absolutely mean she will definitely cheat on you. I'd be concerned but I don't really see what you can do unless you admit to snooping. To which your gf will be deservedly pissed off that you've intruded into a conversation she was having with her friend!
twosadthings Posted October 10, 2013 Posted October 10, 2013 Her response is actually quite clear as to what she would do when not if the situation presents itself when you're married. The friend's husband would consider your fiancee "toxic" with respect to his marriage. Now's the time to examine her much more closely. Just sayin', Twosadthings 3
veggirl Posted October 10, 2013 Posted October 10, 2013 Err on the side of caution, not the side of "well I mean she could have meant X, well I mean Y could be the situation........I mean there is a 1 in a million chance she meant Z...." PLEASE. Your gf was saying she would hook up with whoever her gal pal has a chance to hook up with. I'd be livid. and yes, with friends like your gf, what marriage needs enemies?
Author guyonrollercoaster Posted October 10, 2013 Author Posted October 10, 2013 Thanks to those that replied. I just have to stop thinking about it though. There is nothing i can do about it anyway short of admitting i was being nosey and saw the msg. Which i cannot do. I didnt open her phone out of distrust. I just wanted to see the conversation. I didnt expect to see anythimg that would concern me. But i did and i guess this is my punishment. Maybe its denial, but im thinking she was just shooting off at the mouth. She has never given me any reason to distrust her. I trust her very much. As curious as i will be now... i can never look at her phone again. If she ever does cheat, then that is on her conscience. It is her fault and not mine. If she confesses to it than I leave her. If she doesnt.... then im none the wiser and she is the one that has to live with it on her shoulders. I have to stop being so fixated on things that may never occur and that are out of my control
crederer Posted October 10, 2013 Posted October 10, 2013 Uh....shows bad character on her part. My ex encouraged her one friend to cheat on her bf of 3 years one time when we were at a party. I was kind of friends with them both, and I was appalled with my gf about it. I was seriously disgusted with the lack of morals she demonstrated that night. 4
Emilia Posted October 10, 2013 Posted October 10, 2013 Uh....shows bad character on her part. My ex encouraged her one friend to cheat on her bf of 3 years one time when we were at a party. I was kind of friends with them both, and I was appalled with my gf about it. I was seriously disgusted with the lack of morals she demonstrated that night. I noticed something similar with a guy I briefly dated until recently and I called him up on it too. From then on he was marked in my eyes.
Author guyonrollercoaster Posted October 10, 2013 Author Posted October 10, 2013 Thing is though... i know early on she tried discouraging her from cheating. Perhaps she has given up on that. Ive known her to discourage others too. She has talked before about how one day this girl will be caught and you cant keep cheating and get away with it. She has said she almost wishes she would get caught, so she could have been encouraging her for that reason. But who knows. But she has been pretty open about some of their messages before and read them verbatim to include her asking her friend "if it was good" etc... which when she read that to me in the way she talks and jokes about things it didnt sound all that bad. I know for a fact had i stumbled on that "was it good" msg then i would surely be upset and thinking the same things i am now over the "go for it.. i would". So i have tried saying it out loud in the way that she speaks to maybe better understand some of what she meant etc... But im reading entirely too much into it. I need just let it go because this will drive me crazy ifi dont .
Emilia Posted October 10, 2013 Posted October 10, 2013 But im reading entirely too much into it. I need just let it go because this will drive me crazy ifi dont . I think so. The 'I would' is often short for 'I would in your shoes' not that she would given half the chance.
Author guyonrollercoaster Posted October 10, 2013 Author Posted October 10, 2013 Yeah... while it could be seen as quite clear it can also be seen as quite vague too. I mean had it said "i would if i knew i wouldnt get caught" or "i would if he asked me too" etc.. then thats more clear. Maybe im slowly convincing myself despite the evidence, but at this point i dont care because i cant ask her about it and its only going to eat me alive if i dont find a way to accept or forget about it. But i honestly dont think she was speaking for herself presently while in a relationship with me. I think it was more casual.
Author guyonrollercoaster Posted October 10, 2013 Author Posted October 10, 2013 Not to mention, we had times in our relationship where she was very scared and confused and would break up but come back to me once she cleared her head. She used to say really hurtful things when we broke up. I asked her why and she said because she overreacts and would say anything she could so I would hate her and make the break up easier. Fortunatley, those days are gone. But if she was a cheater, she would have cheated on me then. Its the perfect and most common easy way to get out of a relationship and make the other person let you go. She certainly would have had the opportunities, but she never did.
Emilia Posted October 10, 2013 Posted October 10, 2013 Not to mention, we had times in our relationship where she was very scared and confused and would break up but come back to me once she cleared her head. She used to say really hurtful things when we broke up. I asked her why and she said because she overreacts and would say anything she could so I would hate her and make the break up easier. Ah, this is the real reason for the thread. You don't trust her. do you really want to marry someone who has walked away from you several times in a nasty manner?
acrosstheuniverse Posted October 10, 2013 Posted October 10, 2013 If I had a friend who had been cheating on their partner with multiple guys for a long time, likely in my mind she'd be in the 'single' category. It'd be no surprise if she found someone new, slept with someone else, at that stage I'd either have ended the friendship/exposed her because I couldn't agree with her actions, or decided it was not my business. So my response to her could be along the same lines as a response to a single friend, seeing as they both feel like they're in the same category to me. So honestly, if my best friend was like this and she messaged me, I might reply 'go for it, I would!' in the same jokey way that I would to a single friend, this is really weird to try explain but it'd almost be like pointing out I was in a relationship so it was something I could never do, I have never been unfaithful to my partner or any ex partners but I can imagine a text like that slipping out without thinking. Personally at that stage I'd rather know my bf snooped and be able to reassure and explain myself to him, because the damage that you doubting her from now on will do could be longer lasting and more insidious than the damage of him admitting he snooped. (I have never snooped on anyone before or to my knowledge been snooped on, but if I had been snooped on I think I'd be more concerned to address the reasons behind the snooping than the snooping itself) 2
Criticality Posted October 11, 2013 Posted October 11, 2013 Whether you stay with this girl or not, surely you're not going to bring up the text message, right? What would you say? "Sorry hun, but while snooping on your phone the other day, I couldn't help but notice, that you have sent an answer to a friend on a moral dilemma in regards to infidelity that I disagree with!"
loveofhorses1970 Posted October 11, 2013 Posted October 11, 2013 By saying "go for it" and "I would", she may have meant she would if she were not involved with you. 1
Criticality Posted October 11, 2013 Posted October 11, 2013 Whether you stay with this girl or not, surely you're not going to bring up the text message, right? What would you say? "Sorry hun, but while snooping on your phone the other day, I couldn't help but notice, that you have sent an answer to a friend on a moral dilemma in regards to infidelity that I disagree with!" Snooping on her phone was a major break of trust. Don't be surprised if she dumps you over it.
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