clandestinidad Posted December 3, 2004 Posted December 3, 2004 Hi there...I posted this on the "Dating" board as well, but thought I might get more advice if I posted it here as well. I have a question regarding my LD boyfriend (not sure if we'll be together or not at this point, actually). He's been hiding things/lying about things off and on through our relationship. When he does this and I find out, I get extremely mad. I feel like in a serious relationship both partners should be open and honest and up front about everything. Let me explain what happened most recently.... He has a friend (a girl) who he's never met, but met online, and they liked each other. She lives many states away, but they still talk on the phone. I am fine with him talking to her, she's his friend. I'm NOT fine with the fact that he hides it from me! Then it makes me think that there's a reason he's hiding it (or flat out lying to me). He says that he doesnt tell me things that he knows will upset me. The thing is...he's NEVER been up front with me about things like that, and when I find out that he was purposely keeping it from me THEN I get mad. He cant say how I would react, because he's never been up front with me! I wouldnt get upset about things if he told me about them! Its the hiding & lying that pisses me off! This type of thing has been happening for a while, and I'm sick of it. He doesnt understand that I think people should tell each other what goes on, and that purposely leaving something out or lying about it indicates a problem. He says that I'm just worried that he'll cheat on me, so I want to be controlling and make him "report to me". The thing is, when he's telling me about his day (i.e. work, after work, talking to his parents, talking to his guy friend, etc) he tells me everything BUT anything having to do with a female. I view that as keeping it purposely hidden, and sometimes he even lies. I dont know why its viewed as "reporting" if he's already "reporting" to me on his day (which, I might add, he volunteers this info on his own). I always tell him things that happen, as well as what happens regarding a male so that he trusts me, and knows about it, and also so that if he finds out about it later he doesnt wonder what reasons i had for keeping it from him. Am I wrong to be upset that he keeps hiding things and lying to me??? Is it wrong to expect someone to tell me up front?? He's never even seen how I'd react to things, or given me the opportunity to show him that it wouldnt bother me, b/c he's always hiding it all!! Please help me sort this out!!!
cupideffect Posted December 3, 2004 Posted December 3, 2004 This sounds like what had happened with me and my girlfriend. It was almost the same story but it was my girlfriend doing the hiding. It would always bother me, that she was talking to this male friend from back home, that she met on some site (friendster). She used to live in Chicago but moved to New york when she was younger. So she recently started talking to him and I said it was ok. Then it kind of started getting a little annoying, you know talking like everyday! Come on..... Let me just state some examples; If we were together and there was a call from him, she wouldn't answer it and just kind of just put the phone away really shady like, just like you if she was natural about it I wouldnt care. Or I would call her and if she was on the phone with the other guy from Chicago, if asked who it was, she would stutter in telling me who it was fearing that I would get annoyed if it him. I didn't know what to do or say and I wanted to stop the what she would call "interrogating" her. So I did for a while, I gave her the time that she did need to talk to him. She would always tell me she was just worried about me and her fighting over nothing, that's why she wouldn't always tell me. I told her it was not right for her having me worried on the other side. Any person can admit it has hard to have opposite sex friends without one of the couples feelings getting hurt. I told her that every relationship requires truth from the other partner. Theres a certain boundary that should be there, and I'm not saying that you guys should keep freindships of only the same sex. But what i am trying to say is, if the person that you met online or whatever is not someone important, why put your relationship in jeapordy for the ?????? person. I understand for a little while if people want to talk and just get to know each other, but after a while it just puts the relationship in line for trouble...
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