Simon Phoenix Posted October 10, 2013 Posted October 10, 2013 Surely this would all be down to her understanding and acceptance of the situation. It'd be my job to make her understand that it's not her fault, or my fault, it's just a ****ty situation we're both involved in. The truth is that if she had any hatred towards me, or if she'd any false hope etc. she still doesn't understand where I'm coming from, and I would never stop trying to make her understand until she gets it. Also, if NC is torturous, and trying to be friends is torturous, why not do the latter? The first part sounds great in theory but never works in practice. It's logical and sounds awesome, but feelings have nothing to do with logic. You can say all of the right things and it still probably wouldn't make a dent in her hurt. As for the second part, it's temporary torture (being shot in the arm) vs. long torture (having each and every one of your fingers being cut off one by one). If you break up, you need to be prepared to release her in all aspects. You can't have your cake and eat it too -- it's just too confusing and too painful for her. 3
Justachip Posted October 10, 2013 Posted October 10, 2013 Jim dont do it man,,, be a man ,love her make her your wife..... leave this evil temtation you have ..... it will only make you disposable.... have faith . just my opinion This^ What you're experiencing for this new girl isn't love or genuine feelings, it's just infatuation and lust. I hate to say this bro, it seems you're bored of your current girl. Take a look at from the older generation. I'm sure they're aren't as hyper connected as us and cherish what little they've got. Love is a choice. When you do things you don't really want to do for your partner. My $0.02 worth 1
Simon Phoenix Posted October 10, 2013 Posted October 10, 2013 This^ What you're experiencing for this new girl isn't love or genuine feelings, it's just infatuation and lust. I hate to say this bro, it seems you're bored of your current girl. Take a look at from the older generation. I'm sure they're aren't as hyper connected as us and cherish what little they've got. Love is a choice. When you do things you don't really want to do for your partner. My $0.02 worth There isn't a new girl. He just has reservations about the old one. Pressuring him to stay in the relationship is just as bad as pressuring him to break up. 2
Author Jim86 Posted October 10, 2013 Author Posted October 10, 2013 We're saying that it's in the best interest of both parties to go NC. Everyone here has been through this, and we are giving you the reality of what is going to happen. The first part sounds great in theory but never works in practice. It's logical and sounds awesome, but feelings have nothing to do with logic. You can say all of the right things and it still probably wouldn't make a dent in her hurt. As for the second part, it's temporary torture (being shot in the arm) vs. long torture (having each and every one of your fingers being cut off one by one). If you break up, you need to be prepared to release her in all aspects. You can't have your cake and eat it too -- it's just too confusing and too painful for her. Okay, point taken....thank you.
Author Jim86 Posted October 10, 2013 Author Posted October 10, 2013 This^ What you're experiencing for this new girl isn't love or genuine feelings, it's just infatuation and lust. I hate to say this bro, it seems you're bored of your current girl. Take a look at from the older generation. I'm sure they're aren't as hyper connected as us and cherish what little they've got. Love is a choice. When you do things you don't really want to do for your partner. My $0.02 worth What 'new girl,' the one in your imagination?!
Quest4_TheLost Posted October 10, 2013 Posted October 10, 2013 (edited) Just to be clear on my last post.. You've made it quiet clear you were scared, and scared of being bored the rest of your life. Stuck in the same rut and grind that you go through everyday.. Unless there is something else you're so scared about it all sounds like excuses.. I get it.. Your 20 and you don't really know who you are with out her. You want to find that person to see if this situation really is what you want out of life. You're the one who mentioned depression and anxiety if it isn't that big of deal and whoever you talked to thinks your just so amazingly well rounded they reversed the depression diagnosis's, then why bring it up. Again it sounds like more excuses. It really doesn't matter how you spin it if you want a true look at what break ups look like and see the steps we have all taken here. Take a good glance at all the posts here. All the broken hearted. In fact most of us here on this thread have been here because of broken hearts at one time or another, if not right now. Then you come on here wanting to end a 7 year relationship. Your going to get a few ugly remarks from the world of bitterness. It's sad ending that kind of relationship and if you think all your anxiety is going to be cleared up and you think breaking up with her isn't going to seriously effect you as well then your delusional. Edited October 11, 2013 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Author Jim86 Posted October 10, 2013 Author Posted October 10, 2013 I've dumped, and been the dumpee. Neither is pleasant, but both give you a sense of control over your life when you need it. There is no point staying in a relationship that's not working. I've also let go of someone I loved with all my heart, for their benefit. That's a pain that cannot be accurately described, I'm afraid. People think that it's noble to stay in a relationship until the bitter end because you can't get anything better. This simply isn't true. It is far better to be single, than it is to be in a relationship that is wrong. And if you dump someone because you don't love them, then you're doing the dumpee a favour, no matter what anyone on here says. Thanks for being so honest. I'm going to bite the bullet and have 'the talk' over the weekend. It's basically going to be me coming clean about all my thoughts and feelings and suggesting time apart. No 'trial seperation' or 'break' or 'NC;' I think just me moving out and staying somewhere else for a week or two is the best place to start and take it as it comes. We can still talk everyday, see each other maybe 4-5 days a week, something like that, plus the times we see eachother, I wanna not just go back to our house; I wanna do anything but..
2sunny Posted October 11, 2013 Posted October 11, 2013 7 years? If you don't know by now - something is off! Stop wasting more of her time and energy if/since you are unsure. She deserves a man who DEFINITELY KNOWS! That guy isn't you. 1
Author Jim86 Posted October 11, 2013 Author Posted October 11, 2013 (edited) Heeeey now, you're also biting ppls heads off and trying to look like you know it all.. So if you know it all why are you here asking us? Go pull your trigger and be done with it already. Just to be clear on my last post.. You've made it quiet clear you were scared, and scared of being bored the rest of your life. Stuck in the same rut and grind that you go through everyday.. Unless there is something else you're so scared about it all sounds like excuses.. I get it.. Your 20 and you don't really know who you are with out her. You want to find that person to see if this situation really is what you want out of life. You're the one who mentioned depression and anxiety if it isn't that big of deal and whoever you talked to thinks your just so amazingly well rounded they reversed the depression diagnosis's, then why bring it up. Again it sounds like more excuses. It really doesn't matter how you spin it if you want a true look at what break ups look like and see the steps we have all taken here. Take a good glance at all the posts here. All the broken hearted. In fact most of us here on this thread have been here because of broken hearts at one time or another, if not right now. Then you come on here wanting to end a 7 year relationship. Your going to get a few ugly remarks from the world of bitterness. It's sad ending that kind of relationship and if you think all your anxiety is going to be cleared up and you think breaking up with her isn't going to seriously effect you as well then your delusional. The thing that has annoyed/confused me most about this thread is this; the amount of people who have said, 'what are you waiting for?' 'Just dump her,' 'I'd hate to be with someone like you,' 'just pull the trigger' etc. It doesn't make sense... and a lot of the people saying this are dumpees(!); the resentment towards me is almost unbelievable. Maybe this site only works for dumpees, I don't know... 'Unless there is something else you're so scared about it all sounds like excuses..' What do you mean? When did I say my anxiety and depression isn't that big of a deal?! Like seriously wtf and you're wondering why I'm biting the head of people? You just made that up ffs?! Edited October 11, 2013 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Author Jim86 Posted October 11, 2013 Author Posted October 11, 2013 Urgh, I'm not a fan of the limbo thing. Why not try telling her that you're not sure about the relationship anymore and then go and see a relationship counselor together? I will be telling her I'm not sure and would definitely consider counseling together.
Robert Posted October 11, 2013 Posted October 11, 2013 moderation here, let's keep the insults off this thread. they have been hurled by many party's and it needs to stop, telling someone their advice should be ignored or is terrible advice is pretty rude and will earn you an infraction. Thread re-opened, carry on 1
Mz_sassy_77 Posted October 11, 2013 Posted October 11, 2013 If I do decide to split, I will definitely not be cutting her out of my life, unless that's what she wants of course. I would certainly want friendship and to stay in touch. I seriously doubt she will want to be in your life after being dumped. Dumpers hope they will want to stay in touch or be friends. And in a perfect world that could work. Majority of the time they dont want anything to do with their ex. Its just too painful. Try to put yourself in her shoes. Say you were crazy about someone, say you met someone and thought they are the one. Then they turned around one day and said they didnt feel the same way. Would you still want to be friends with them? If the answer is yes - it is only because you hold out hope they will change their mind - which is soooo not fair. Staying friends with an ex rarely works. And if it does its usually years down the track when they have both moved on to other people and are totally over it. Be prepared to not have her in your life at all. 1
headup Posted October 11, 2013 Posted October 11, 2013 I'm sorry to hear that I'd like to think that if I do end up BU, I wouldn't give her any false hope or uncertainty, but from what I've read that's not easy done....has anything I've said helped you process any thoughts you're having in your situation? Changed, weakened or reinforced any thoughts or opinions? Yes, hearing your story has helped. I know it wasn't an easy decision for her and I know she struggled with it. She described the same feelings of doubt and guilt that were impossible to eradicate. I respect her for having the courage to do what she did and I don't think I would have handled it any different way. It's a ****ty situation for both parties like other have said. You are probably over-estimating how bad things are. A confirmation bias is the tendency to over emphasize available information that supports a pre-conceived notion and is a powerful force in reasoning. I realize that a big part of what you're feeling is wondering if there is something else you're missing, but you likely aren't realizing how good what you have is. Likewise, she's probably been ignoring any changes to your relationship and therefore has an unrealistically good impression (google the Semmelweis reflex) and so might be caught off guard even if you feel like you've been distant. Let us know how it goes. From a dumpee's perspective, I would rather have the dumper be definitive and end things rather than do some sort of in-between. The in-between is painful and sets up another potential (?inevitable) second heart break. Like I said, if you feel like you've made a mistake after a reasonable trial apart you can re-kindle and rebuild your relationship. Otherwise you will continue to wonder "what if" and she will continue to worry she could be dumped at any time. That is not a healthy relationship.
Never Again Posted October 11, 2013 Posted October 11, 2013 7 years? If you don't know by now - something is off! Stop wasting more of her time and energy if/since you are unsure. She deserves a man who DEFINITELY KNOWS! That guy isn't you. Uncertainty hits the best of us, and it happens in every relationship at some point. Thinking someone "definitely knows" all the time...well, it's nearly never the case. Familiarity breeds contempt, and it only gets worse if you've only really had one serious relationship. Not saying everyone gets it as strongly as others, but it's something to consider. My most recent ex...I doubted the relationship and my interest in her for a solid month. Why? Because we, as humans, adapt to positive experiences and emotions. They become passé and we focus on the flaws, on the negatives. It's sensory adaptation at its most evil. "What he/she deserves" is also a loaded concept. Dumpers tend to think/say "they deserve better!" as a way to ease their conscience...after all, they did the dumpee a favor! I agree that you shouldn't waste her time, and by talking to her about it, you'll be ensuring that you won't. She'll have input going forward. She'll get to make informed decisions too. I'm glad that you've chosen to communicate openly with her. 1
Coping Vortex Posted November 4, 2013 Posted November 4, 2013 All this means is that you are defining a set of demands that must be fulfilled in order for it to count as 'love.' I don't. Love to me is someone who has an almost magical hold on you that you can't and probably will never ever get rid of, or break even if you want to, that's it; there are no demands. As an example, I had a bit of a fall out with a friend recently who accused me of not really bothering with them enough; he thought that I must not like him because I wasn't making an effort, but it just happened to be the few times he got in touch I preferred to do what I wanted to do, that's it; there wasn't some big conspiracy. He's my friend because I love the time we spend together not because he keeps in touch at regular intervals or meets certain demands; when I explained he felt a bit silly. You're doing the same thing; 'you don't love me because you don't want to spend the rest of your life with me.' It just doesn't work like that. I ****ing love her SO much, she is not the problem, she just happens to be affeced by decisions I make. The other option is to not worry about your own feelings as long as they're okay. Again, if they expect this off you, it's just another ridiculous demand. I don't follow what you mean but this has nothing to do with demands. Comes down to love. Being in love (romantic love) is vastly different than being "friends" with someone, love is a much deeper pulling in your heart. Its much more of intense emotion than a friend relationship. Hence, the extremes that people can go to for someone they love. Friends can come and go but a memory of a lost love is indelible.
Coping Vortex Posted November 4, 2013 Posted November 4, 2013 Uncertainty hits the best of us, and it happens in every relationship at some point. Thinking someone "definitely knows" all the time...well, it's nearly never the case. Familiarity breeds contempt, and it only gets worse if you've only really had one serious relationship. Not saying everyone gets it as strongly as others, but it's something to consider. My most recent ex...I doubted the relationship and my interest in her for a solid month. Why? Because we, as humans, adapt to positive experiences and emotions. They become passé and we focus on the flaws, on the negatives. It's sensory adaptation at its most evil. "What he/she deserves" is also a loaded concept. Dumpers tend to think/say "they deserve better!" as a way to ease their conscience...after all, they did the dumpee a favor! I agree that you shouldn't waste her time, and by talking to her about it, you'll be ensuring that you won't. She'll have input going forward. She'll get to make informed decisions too. I'm glad that you've chosen to communicate openly with her. You hit the nail on the head with your post. My ex decided to forget about the 95% of the great stuff and focus on the 5% negative. Which could have been worked out.
BlueIvy Posted November 7, 2013 Posted November 7, 2013 I will be telling her I'm not sure and would definitely consider counseling together. I read most of the thread and you need to dump her instead of wasting her time. After 7 years with someone, you should already know if she's the one. It's been to long to have uncertainty now. Break ups are hard but if you at least respect her and yourself, let it go. She doesn't need to be with someone who basically wants better. And you obviously want to sow your oats. Life is too short to be miserable. How can you say you love her yet are miserable? I think you know what to do. It doesn't make you a bad person to want to end it but it will be messed up to hang on knowing you aren't feeling it. Keep us updated.
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