Author Jim86 Posted October 10, 2013 Author Posted October 10, 2013 Some struggle to understand, and those of us that do tend to have the more extreme opinions. However, some of us have been on both sides of the fence. One thing I will say, is don't use your "happiness" as a gauge. A relationship shouldn't make you miserable, but it's purpose also isn't to make you happy all the time. You're responsible for your own happiness...what the relationship brings is the opportunity for growth. Even relationships that end being this, but in those that continue...the most growth comes from moments of conflict. As I said before, only you can make this decision. To be frank, indecision is a decision. You may have waited to long to "fix" what you're feeling. That's up to you. If you want to give the relationship a shot, and I mean a REAL shot, you need to be willing to open up, and be honest and vulnerable with your girlfriend. Yes, even that will hurt her, but it will allow her to be a part of it. She may decide to let you go find yourself on your own...or she may want to try. If she wants to try, and you also want to try...then you need to give it 100%...at least for a little while. If you don't think there's any coming back from where you are, then it may be better to end it gently, no matter how much it hurts. Either way, all you can do is follow your heart. No one can ask more of you than to do what you think is best. Personally, i advocate being honest with her and trying...for two reasons: 1.) If you try and fail, at least you'll both know you tried, and you can walk away knowing that you did everything you could 2.) You may just surprise yourself, and things may either work out...or you may learn something about yourself and relationships that you didn't know anymore I was just thinking, most people in my situation probably end up breaking up because they're living with regrets NOW which they can actually do something about, and that regret is real, whether they want it or not (I do 't.) When you don't BU, it's because you are worrying about regret that hasn't even happened yet and this reasoning makes their decision. I wish I didn't have regrets but do, I manage to get them out of my head for a while but they always come back stronger, more frequently, and longer lasting. This is what scares me; now that I've had the thoughts they will never go away no matter how much I want them to, they will only get worse.
Never Again Posted October 10, 2013 Posted October 10, 2013 I was just thinking, most people in my situation probably end up breaking up because they're living with regrets NOW which they can actually do something about, and that regret is real, whether they want it or not (I do 't.) When you don't BU, it's because you are worrying about regret that hasn't even happened yet and this reasoning makes their decision. I wish I didn't have regrets but do, I manage to get them out of my head for a while but they always come back stronger, more frequently, and longer lasting. This is what scares me; now that I've had the thoughts they will never go away no matter how much I want them to, they will only get worse. Breaking up will not remove these regrets, they will only provide relief from the stress these regrets are causing. Is this a reason to stay together? Probably not. Only you know if there are reasons to hold on. More often than not, I've found that those that don't break up are either afraid to be alone despite how they feel, or are willing to fight for a good thing even if it means fighting their own feelings. However, not all good things last. I can't tell you how long these thoughts will fester, but I can guarantee you that they won't leave until you DO something. What that something is, is up to you. It's either breakup and explain, or communicate and try. Now, that doesn't mean you have to try right away. Time on your own might be very healthy right now.
Author Jim86 Posted October 10, 2013 Author Posted October 10, 2013 I've potentially missed out on during the last 7 years during my 20's (arguably the best years of your life if you have your freedom Hee hee - turn 30 and get back to me. What you're describing is going to be life no matter who you shack up with. That's what happens. We spend a bucketload of time at work, usually pretty bored, never earning quite enough money, and then we get home and have to clean and cook and pay bills and run after kids and now and then, we get a bit of fun dispersed in between. If you break up with her and get into a new relationship that goes the distance, you have to factor in that it too, will bring that lifestyle with it, especially if you want to get married and have kids... I think this maybe this is the real problem... If you don't mind, have you been in my position before? You seem pretty clued-up.. 1
Author Jim86 Posted October 10, 2013 Author Posted October 10, 2013 If I could make a suggestion: decide before you go in what kind of boundaries, or lack thereof, will be on this time apart. I only say this because, while it may not be on her mind at first, it will come around. Better to lay it down up front. By this I mean, is it going to be a "break" at first, or straight to "break up"? You may not know how long you'll need alone...but if this is something you think could could snap out of, then you should set a defined minimum of NC for both your sakes...say NC for two weeks to a month minimum before you reconnect and decide where you're going from there. Will you both agree to remain single during some of this initial time apart? It adds more to your plate, but if you're thinking "time apart" instead of breaking it off completely, then it's stuff you'll have to consider. Thanks for the reply. I will definitely be clear of what I want and that's whatever is best for the relationship. Thinking about this today, I think we should maybe not take a break at all but instead maybe stop living together for a while. This would give me the time to try and sort out what I want and would help greatly with the day-to-day issues. If we decided to take a 'break,' it would feel more like a trial separation, and I don't need the pressure of a time limit either affecting my decision, that would be no use at all. I know I'm going to struggle to convince her that this is a step forwards for the relationship and not the opposite... Opinions please?
BC1980 Posted October 10, 2013 Posted October 10, 2013 You said you had been talking engagement at one point. The fear of a big commitment can make you question things. Does it go back to that actually becoming real? It's easier to have distant plans for marriage, but, when you have to follow them out, it sometimes gets too real. The dynamics change somehow. It seems normal to question things at this juncture in your life. You have been with the same person since you were 20. You are going to have to break up with her at this point I feel. These questions don't go away on their own unfortunately. I'm sad to say it, but I feel a breakup will be the outcome here.
Author Jim86 Posted October 10, 2013 Author Posted October 10, 2013 You're right to be honest. Just be honest. Like I said I hate how my ex went about things. I just feel like it wasn't worth him bothering to take the time out to sit down with me and have an honest conversation about it. It still would of been difficult. I would of respected him for it though.... Thanks I appreciate your responses. So were the reasons he gave for leaving things you could have changed had he given you the chance, or was it more like my situation, where the main reasons are nothing to do with, personally? Or did he not really give any reasons at all?!
Author Jim86 Posted October 10, 2013 Author Posted October 10, 2013 You said you had been talking engagement at one point. The fear of a big commitment can make you question things. Does it go back to that actually becoming real? It's easier to have distant plans for marriage, but, when you have to follow them out, it sometimes gets too real. The dynamics change somehow. It seems normal to question things at this juncture in your life. You have been with the same person since you were 20. You are going to have to break up with her at this point I feel. These questions don't go away on their own unfortunately. I'm sad to say it, but I feel a breakup will be the outcome here. Commitment is probably the biggest contributor here tbh I've realised that the past two days; there are regrets from missed experiences in the past, there is everyday relationship issues in the present but when I think of the future, the thought that this is me for the rest of my life scares the absolute **** out of me..but, I still love her with everything I have, I wish I could be happy with what I have, I wish just being with her was enough, that's why I'm fighting this with all the energy I can muster.
Coping Vortex Posted October 10, 2013 Posted October 10, 2013 See this is the thing. People throw around the word love all the time.... Oh i love them but i need to leave them, im unhappy, etc. I dont think thats the case. I think you can care about someone so that makes the decision hard, and then a lot of it comes down to having the guts to do it. But i think if you truly do LOVE someone you wouldnt want to leave them. You'd do anything to make it work and want to stay with them. I'd like to say he did love me and that's what made him drag out his decision. But I'd say its more that he cared about me and lacked the guts to do it, but DIDNT love me and thats why he finally left. I feel the same way as you do about if someone loves you they would never want to leave you. Makes logical sense. Although, I found that isn't always true. Especially for women. I have always said women can throw the switch at any time. I know more than a few women that BU with their BF or spouse because they needed to change something, or think they needed to do it for their long term happiness etc. even though they were in love with their BF. I have seen them leave men they truly loved. For things such as, where they lived, education level, career. Sometimes its their friend or family members convincing them for what ever reason they are better without them. Most of those women regretted the BU later on. I think too many people feel that, "well, I will just go meet someone else." yes there a lot of fish in the sea, but you will find as the years roll on and you look back over your life, there were really only a finite amount of people that you truly connected with and loved so dearly that affected your life. It is at this point people settle for someone else. I personally think that is where a lot of the divorce rate comes from. 1
Never Again Posted October 10, 2013 Posted October 10, 2013 It is at this point people settle for someone else. I personally think that is where a lot of the divorce rate comes from. I've been coming to believe the "throw the switch" theory after my last breakup. She went from talking about our future to throwing me away after just a few weeks where things in our individual professional lives got crazy busy and exhausting. We supported each other, but that "new love energy" wasn't there anymore and she left in an instant. I'd actually argue that the illusion of eternal romantic love contributes most heavily to the divorce rate. A small percentage of people, under 13%, claim to retain the "falling in love" feeling for life. It's a lovely feeling, but it's all consuming, distracting and a rollercoaster of emotional connections (elated when you're together, in a rut when you're apart). Because of these people, many charge this elusive goal...doesn't help that we idolize this group in the way we portray love in the media. We're groomed to think its kittens and rainbows forever. People in the throes of passion, who are in a longer-than-average "honeymoon period" are the ones who claim to "just know" that they were with the right partner. Funny how this feeling becomes "just knowing" you want a divorce. Relationships built during the heat of new relationship chemistry are shaky at best. Personally, I like letting a relationship calm down a little, at least briefly. It lets the rose colored glasses come off and I can use my head (along with my heart) to make a decision about the relationship. If I feel "it" all the time, I'm more likely to stick with a relationship that's toxic or chalk full of incompatibilities. Why? Because that "in love" feeling overrides logic...overrides our perceptions. Roughly 87% of relationships experience peaks and valleys of chemistry/interest...and i feel those are healthier. You can exercise control, and to get the fires back, all you need to do is toss some fuel on the embers. But people get married with the expectation of being in a peak all the time. It's not physically possible...our brains adapt to that "high", and we settle down. But so many seem to believe that settling down is settling for, and throw away great partners and great relationships because of it 1
Author Jim86 Posted October 10, 2013 Author Posted October 10, 2013 I feel the same way as you do about if someone loves you they would never want to leave you. Makes logical sense. Although, I found that isn't always true. Especially for women. I have always said women can throw the switch at any time. I know more than a few women that BU with their BF or spouse because they needed to change something, or think they needed to do it for their long term happiness etc. even though they were in love with their BF. I have seen them leave men they truly loved. For things such as, where they lived, education level, career. Sometimes its their friend or family members convincing them for what ever reason they are better without them. Most of those women regretted the BU later on. I think too many people feel that, "well, I will just go meet someone else." yes there a lot of fish in the sea, but you will find as the years roll on and you look back over your life, there were really only a finite amount of people that you truly connected with and loved so dearly that affected your life. It is at this point people settle for someone else. I personally think that is where a lot of the divorce rate comes from. All this means is that you are defining a set of demands that must be fulfilled in order for it to count as 'love.' I don't. Love to me is someone who has an almost magical hold on you that you can't and probably will never ever get rid of, or break even if you want to, that's it; there are no demands. As an example, I had a bit of a fall out with a friend recently who accused me of not really bothering with them enough; he thought that I must not like him because I wasn't making an effort, but it just happened to be the few times he got in touch I preferred to do what I wanted to do, that's it; there wasn't some big conspiracy. He's my friend because I love the time we spend together not because he keeps in touch at regular intervals or meets certain demands; when I explained he felt a bit silly. You're doing the same thing; 'you don't love me because you don't want to spend the rest of your life with me.' It just doesn't work like that. I ****ing love her SO much, she is not the problem, she just happens to be affeced by decisions I make. The other option is to not worry about your own feelings as long as they're okay. Again, if they expect this off you, it's just another ridiculous demand. 1
BC1980 Posted October 10, 2013 Posted October 10, 2013 Commitment is probably the biggest contributor here tbh I've realised that the past two days; there are regrets from missed experiences in the past, there is everyday relationship issues in the present but when I think of the future, the thought that this is me for the rest of my life scares the absolute **** out of me..but, I still love her with everything I have, I wish I could be happy with what I have, I wish just being with her was enough, that's why I'm fighting this with all the energy I can muster. These bumps happen in LTRs. The only way to know if you will regret this is by breaking up with her snd seeing what will happen. I see no other way out of this. You might regret it and come back. You might not. If will be a lot worse on you than you think, but, if you are doubting this much, time and wishing it away won't help. You so run a risk of regretting a breakup down the line, and the dumpee has oftentimes moved in by that point. So there is risk involved. It's not even about finding someone else; its just that you seem miserable in your current relationship. You will have to cut her completely out of your life. There can be no friendship or catching up on each other. When it's done, it's over. Ultimately, you have to live with the decision.
Author Jim86 Posted October 10, 2013 Author Posted October 10, 2013 These bumps happen in LTRs. The only way to know if you will regret this is by breaking up with her snd seeing what will happen. I see no other way out of this. You might regret it and come back. You might not. If will be a lot worse on you than you think, but, if you are doubting this much, time and wishing it away won't help. You so run a risk of regretting a breakup down the line, and the dumpee has oftentimes moved in by that point. So there is risk involved. It's not even about finding someone else; its just that you seem miserable in your current relationship. You will have to cut her completely out of your life. There can be no friendship or catching up on each other. When it's done, it's over. Ultimately, you have to live with the decision. If I do decide to split, I will definitely not be cutting her out of my life, unless that's what she wants of course. I would certainly want friendship and to stay in touch.
BC1980 Posted October 10, 2013 Posted October 10, 2013 If I do decide to split, I will definitely not be cutting her out of my life, unless that's what she wants of course. I would certainly want friendship and to stay in touch. You can't be friends with an ex. You underestimate how painful that would be for both of you. It is also cruel because it will give her false hope. You think you can now, but you will find out that you can't. She probably will not want to be in your life, and, if she does, she will have the ulterior motives of trying to get you back. It's very messy and does not work. You are either in or out. I'm telling you this because you need to go in knowing what a big decision this will be. She will not be a part of your life anymore. Maybe years down the road, you could be cordial and on speaking terms, but that will likely be the extent of it. Trust me. I was foolish enough to believe I could be friends with my LTR ex. It simply does not work because you have to redraw unnatural boundaries in the relationship. Everyone on this forum will tell you the same because we have experienced it from both sides. 5
headup Posted October 10, 2013 Posted October 10, 2013 You can't be friends with an ex. You underestimate how painful that would be for both of you. It is also cruel because it will give her false hope. You think you can now, but you will find out that you can't. She probably will not want to be in your life, and, if she does, she will have the ulterior motives of trying to get you back. It's very messy and does not work. You are either in or out. I'm telling you this because you need to go in knowing what a big decision this will be. She will not be a part of your life anymore. Maybe years down the road, you could be cordial and on speaking terms, but that will likely be the extent of it. Trust me. I was foolish enough to believe I could be friends with my LTR ex. It simply does not work because you have to redraw unnatural boundaries in the relationship. Everyone on this forum will tell you the same because we have experienced it from both sides. I agree with this wholeheartedly. I'm in what is seemingly an identical situation from the other side and can offer some perspective. My GF of 4 years broke up with me about a month ago citing very similar reasoning to yours. It's interesting for me to read your perspective and encourage you to keep this thread going and share how things are going if you do decide to BU. What was most hurtful for me, beyond the obvious pain from the BU, was the uncertainty. She ended things with the suggestion that we meet up after some time to talk about how we're feeling and if it's the right choice. She repeated many times that she wasn't sure if she was making the right decision and was worried she would regret it. When she was gone all I could think about was whether this was just temporary and that we would reconcile soon. I'm only now beginning to concede that our relationship is likely over and it's worse than the first BU. I know it's hard to do something you're worried about regretting, but you need to do everything you can to give her the best chance of healing. I suggest you end things and don't leave the door open. If you regret it a couple of months down the road (and please, wait at least this long), tell her. If she's not willing to reconcile ... well... that's a risk you're going to have to take. The point is YOU need to take that risk, and not force it on her by indirectly telling her to "wait."
Author Jim86 Posted October 10, 2013 Author Posted October 10, 2013 You can't be friends with an ex. You underestimate how painful that would be for both of you. It is also cruel because it will give her false hope. You think you can now, but you will find out that you can't. She probably will not want to be in your life, and, if she does, she will have the ulterior motives of trying to get you back. It's very messy and does not work. You are either in or out. I'm telling you this because you need to go in knowing what a big decision this will be. She will not be a part of your life anymore. Maybe years down the road, you could be cordial and on speaking terms, but that will likely be the extent of it. Trust me. I was foolish enough to believe I could be friends with my LTR ex. It simply does not work because you have to redraw unnatural boundaries in the relationship. Everyone on this forum will tell you the same because we have experienced it from both sides. Surely this would all be down to her understanding and acceptance of the situation. It'd be my job to make her understand that it's not her fault, or my fault, it's just a ****ty situation we're both involved in. The truth is that if she had any hatred towards me, or if she'd any false hope etc. she still doesn't understand where I'm coming from, and I would never stop trying to make her understand until she gets it.
Mariposa10 Posted October 10, 2013 Posted October 10, 2013 (edited) Surely this would all be down to her understanding and acceptance of the situation. It'd be my job to make her understand that it's not her fault, or my fault, it's just a ****ty situation we're both involved in. The truth is that if she had any hatred towards me, or if she'd any false hope etc. she still doesn't understand where I'm coming from, and I would never stop trying to make her understand until she gets it. NO, it's not your job to make her understand that it's not her fault or your fault. If you do end up breaking up with her, leave her alone. She'll be fine. Do not try to alleviate your guilt by harassing her. She'll "get it" on her own. This is simple, if you don't want to be in a relationship, don't be. Edited October 11, 2013 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Mariposa10 Posted October 10, 2013 Posted October 10, 2013 (edited) That's the main problem, I do not think you are a cold heartless person. I think you are free to do whatever you want. Like I said if you don't want to be in a relationship, don't be. I am happy to hear you're not waiting for someone, so you can finally do it. The problem here is that I think you're feeling guilty already, and you haven't done anything yet. But don't feel guilty. Maybe she has had the same thought you've had but maybe she's not brave enough. Maybe she's wondered what would it be like to be with more guys. We don't know. So, no I'm not here to criticize you, I hope you are able to understand that. And believe me, she will get it on her own. But if you only want to think about you and your guilt, go ahead and make sure she "gets it." Because apparently she will only be able to get it with your help. Edited October 11, 2013 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Author Jim86 Posted October 10, 2013 Author Posted October 10, 2013 (edited) That's the main problem, I do not think you are a cold heartless person. I think you are free to do whatever you want. Like I said if you don't want to be in a relationship, don't be. I am happy to hear you're not waiting for someone, so you can finally do it. The problem here is that I think you're feeling guilty already, and you haven't done anything yet. But don't feel guilty. Maybe she has had the same thought you've had but maybe she's not brave enough. Maybe she's wondered what would it be like to be with more guys. We don't know. So, no I'm not here to criticize you, I hope you are able to understand that. And believe me, she will get it on her own. But if you only want to think about you and your guilt, go ahead and make sure she "gets it." Because apparently she will only be able to get it with your help. You're talking as if I've made my decision already; I haven't made my mind up yet, I thought that was pretty obvious by the fact I'm on this forum? Of course I feel guilty already, I've already said that. So you have a problem with me because I haven't done anything yet, well again, is it not better that I try to make the right decision rather than a rash, potentially wrong, decision? And you also think I shouldn't feel guilty? I actually thought you'd be glad I am, by the vibes you've given off. Why do you keep saying she'll get it on her own, I already said, I'm the only person who can explain how I'm feeling. She is not telepathic. Edited October 11, 2013 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Author Jim86 Posted October 10, 2013 Author Posted October 10, 2013 I agree with this wholeheartedly. I'm in what is seemingly an identical situation from the other side and can offer some perspective. My GF of 4 years broke up with me about a month ago citing very similar reasoning to yours. It's interesting for me to read your perspective and encourage you to keep this thread going and share how things are going if you do decide to BU. What was most hurtful for me, beyond the obvious pain from the BU, was the uncertainty. She ended things with the suggestion that we meet up after some time to talk about how we're feeling and if it's the right choice. She repeated many times that she wasn't sure if she was making the right decision and was worried she would regret it. When she was gone all I could think about was whether this was just temporary and that we would reconcile soon. I'm only now beginning to concede that our relationship is likely over and it's worse than the first BU. I know it's hard to do something you're worried about regretting, but you need to do everything you can to give her the best chance of healing. I suggest you end things and don't leave the door open. If you regret it a couple of months down the road (and please, wait at least this long), tell her. If she's not willing to reconcile ... well... that's a risk you're going to have to take. The point is YOU need to take that risk, and not force it on her by indirectly telling her to "wait." I'm sorry to hear that I'd like to think that if I do end up BU, I wouldn't give her any false hope or uncertainty, but from what I've read that's not easy done....has anything I've said helped you process any thoughts you're having in your situation? Changed, weakened or reinforced any thoughts or opinions?
Quest4_TheLost Posted October 10, 2013 Posted October 10, 2013 I find your thread interesting. I have been on both sides myself. However I never left someone just because I was bored. You should really give thought to what another poster mentioned about the fact this is LIFE! You will go to work come home and still be in debt. The only difference is you'll be alone. The anxiety and depression isn't because of your relationship its because of you and your own mentality. You are responsible for your own happiness either in a relationship or with out. Your bored? Go on a vacation, try something you've never done before. Get out there and have fun. But don't put the blame on her for going through the everyday grind with you. I really hope you do seek help for your anxiety and depression, also something I'm very familiar with. Good luck in whatever you choose!
Author Jim86 Posted October 10, 2013 Author Posted October 10, 2013 (edited) I find your thread interesting. I have been on both sides myself. However I never left someone just because I was bored. You should really give thought to what another poster mentioned about the fact this is LIFE! You will go to work come home and still be in debt. The only difference is you'll be alone. The anxiety and depression isn't because of your relationship its because of you and your own mentality. You are responsible for your own happiness either in a relationship or with out. Your bored? Go on a vacation, try something you've never done before. Get out there and have fun. But don't put the blame on her for going through the everyday grind with you. I really hope you do seek help for your anxiety and depression, also something I'm very familiar with. Good luck in whatever you choose! Thanks for the reply I can assure you the anxiety and depression are SOLELY caused by this situation; anxiety caused by guilt, and depression caused by anxiety. I went to one therapy session and they said it was a waste of time; I was one of the most 'unbelievably switched on' people she'd ever met apparently and she actually overturned the doctors depression labeling and said they're too keen to stick the two together. I'd trust a therapist over a GP on this matter tbh Edited October 11, 2013 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Simon Phoenix Posted October 10, 2013 Posted October 10, 2013 I'm sorry to hear that I'd like to think that if I do end up BU, I wouldn't give her any false hope or uncertainty, but from what I've read that's not easy done....has anything I've said helped you process any thoughts you're having in your situation? Changed, weakened or reinforced any thoughts or opinions? Just being in contact is enough to give false hope or uncertainty. If you break up with her, you have to give her up 100 percent (friendship included) in the short term. Maybe down the road you can revisit a friendship, but contact from you will be torture to her if she is still in love with you.
Author Jim86 Posted October 10, 2013 Author Posted October 10, 2013 Just being in contact is enough to give false hope or uncertainty. If you break up with her, you have to give her up 100 percent (friendship included) in the short term. Maybe down the road you can revisit a friendship, but contact from you will be torture to her if she is still in love with you. Surely this would all be down to her understanding and acceptance of the situation. It'd be my job to make her understand that it's not her fault, or my fault, it's just a ****ty situation we're both involved in. The truth is that if she had any hatred towards me, or if she'd any false hope etc. she still doesn't understand where I'm coming from, and I would never stop trying to make her understand until she gets it. Also, if NC is torturous, and trying to be friends is torturous, why not do the latter?
hurts2death Posted October 10, 2013 Posted October 10, 2013 Jim dont do it man,,, be a man ,love her make her your wife..... leave this evil temtation you have ..... it will only make you disposable.... have faith . just my opinion
BC1980 Posted October 10, 2013 Posted October 10, 2013 Surely this would all be down to her understanding and acceptance of the situation. It'd be my job to make her understand that it's not her fault, or my fault, it's just a ****ty situation we're both involved in. The truth is that if she had any hatred towards me, or if she'd any false hope etc. she still doesn't understand where I'm coming from, and I would never stop trying to make her understand until she gets it. Also, if NC is torturous, and trying to be friends is torturous, why not do the latter? We're saying that it's in the best interest of both parties to go NC. Everyone here has been through this, and we are giving you the reality of what is going to happen.
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