Sparkle304 Posted October 9, 2013 Posted October 9, 2013 You need to break up with your girlfriend. Why? Because you clearly stated that you want to experience more relationships. It is quite natural to feel this way. This feeling of, "what else is out there", is not always GIGS. You're young and don't want to be tied to only a few relationship experiences in your life. I've seen most of my friends get divorced because they married early and never enjoyed the variety of relationships that they wanted. It's far better to do this now rather than 10 years and two kids later.....
Author Jim86 Posted October 10, 2013 Author Posted October 10, 2013 (edited) Well then, that article was really for those that have had a lot of time to commit and never could (like late 30s)... Read it now and remember this 10 years from now You on the other hand you are so inexperienced! I'm sure you don't even know who you are without her... Your reason is a good reason to break-up 1) You are unhappy to be IN the relationship. 2) You don't know anyone else and you NEED to explore. Right now you know that if you do get married it will be there in the back of your mind forever and I'm sure that won't work out either.. She does deserve more than that. So I guess it will all be on how you handle it. Make sure it is with a lot of care. It will be hard but done right, I am still acquaintances with my college sweetheart of 4.5 years so it can work out. You love her but just need to do this. I get it, I think a lot of people get it. We don't want to believe that this could happen once in love but in this day and age marrying your first or near first is considered 'weird' You are at least being honest with yourself and not going to hurt her by cheating or stringing her along. I'm not hating on those that marry their first everything but usually they are both VERY into it, on the same page/wave length. I have a friend that has proposed to his first love this year after they had a 3 year breakup and realized that what they had was special. But there are also a lot of people that are relieved that they didn't do it since they learned so much about themselves. Good luck! Thank you... Edited October 11, 2013 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Author Jim86 Posted October 10, 2013 Author Posted October 10, 2013 Ugh. You still love this girl even though you want to break up and you don't know why? I do know why. What's wrong with you? It's a really, really hard thing to have to deal with, even though your tone suggests you that you disagree... Surely if you still love her, you should be working things out? That's why I spend all day thinking about the subject and signed up to this forum; to 'work things out.' Don't throw away your relationship for some spurious reason which you don't even know. Cherish it, cherish her. Just look around you at all the broken hearts on this forum where dumpees speak their words. It's unimaginable pain. Just be very sure you want to call your relationship off before you inflict this pain on someone. It is in no way a spurious decision, this has been a concern on and off for about a year now, coming and going. The intervals between it happening get shorter and the thoughts last longer each time aswel. 1
Simon Phoenix Posted October 10, 2013 Posted October 10, 2013 If you are going to do it, do it as quickly and as directly as possible. Like a band-aid, right off! Delaying the inevitable will just make it worse for everyone. However, I would make sure that this is something you need to do before this. I would try to address whatever issues you can with your girlfriend (if there's something she can do specifically to help you) and see how she reacts. If you don't like the reaction, or if it's something that you just need to do, then you need to let her go ASAP. 1
Mariposa10 Posted October 10, 2013 Posted October 10, 2013 I say if you're gonna do it, do it already. Stop wasting her time! Just like someone said earlier, I WOULD NOT WANT TO BE IN A RELATIONSHIP with someone who feels the way you feel. So in a way you'll be doing her a favor in the long run. Do it now, and suffer the consequences of it. Don't wait until you find someone... It's simple if you don't want to be in a relationship, don't be. It's not like you guys have been married for decades and have children.
Simon Phoenix Posted October 10, 2013 Posted October 10, 2013 Yeah, please don't string her along until you find someone else (not saying that's your plan). That would be a di*k move. Honestly, you have to decide if there's anything she can do that will make you want to stay. If not, break up with her now. If so, verbalize your conflict and how you are feeling with her, see how that goes, then make your decision.
Simon Phoenix Posted October 10, 2013 Posted October 10, 2013 You're the second person to say something along those lines. I honestly can't believe you think that?! You're saying that if you were in a relationship and your partner says, 'i really don't want to feel like this but i can't help it, I'm struggling to figure out if i want this anymore blah blah blah...,' you're going to say that you don't want to be with someone who's trying to find the right answer for BOTH of you, stop stringing you along, you need someone that KNOWS right now this very second what they want......Sorry but this just sound ridiculous tbh Honestly, you shouldn't be trying to find the right answer for her. You need to figure out what's best for you first because if you don't, then you'll just ruin the relationship slowly because you'll be unhappy. Just figure out exactly what you want first.
Author Jim86 Posted October 10, 2013 Author Posted October 10, 2013 Dear,Jim I think there is a huge lack of focus on the real problem going on right now. Which is your anxiety and depression. That right there is a very serious mental illness. You think that breaking up with your gf will ease this anxiety but it won't. In fact it will make it worse. Neither one of those things are easy to deal with and are indeed clouding your judgement. My thought is to do yourself a favor and start treating those problems see a counselor or seek some therapy. Get on medication for the depression and anxiety. Then come back to this problem so you can see it clearly. This thing that constantly bugs you every day and makes it so you can't think of anything else is the anxiety. You've invested 7 years in this relationship. I think this depression and anxiety is getting the best of you. So before you decide to make would could be the biggest mistake of your life. I would get help for your mental illness's before hitting the kill switch. The anxiety and depression is a direct consequence of this subject, not the other way round; I'm 27 and I've never ever had a problem before.
Author Jim86 Posted October 10, 2013 Author Posted October 10, 2013 .Honestly, you shouldn't be trying to find the right answer for her. You need to figure out what's best for you first because if you don't, then you'll just ruin the relationship slowly because you'll be unhappy. Just figure out exactly what you want first. The right answer for me is always going to be the right answer for her, that's the only thing it can be... I'm trying but it's hard; as I can't predict the future, it's pretty much an unanswerable question. It's a gamble. I've just realised this is why I'm struggling to come up with an answer; there isn't one, depending how you look at it there is either no answer or else many, many answers. It's not a simple yes or no.
Simon Phoenix Posted October 10, 2013 Posted October 10, 2013 . The right answer for me is always going to be the right answer for her, that's the only thing it can be... I'm trying but it's hard; as I can't predict the future, it's pretty much an unanswerable question. It's a gamble. I've just realised this is why I'm struggling to come up with an answer; there isn't one, depending how you look at it there is either no answer or else many, many answers. It's not a simple yes or no. You have to reduce it down to yes or no though. There's no other option -- limbo is more destructive than anything in this situation. You have to ask yourself if there's anything she can do to allay your concerns/desires to leave. If there is, you need to talk to her and communicate your misgivings and try to work through it with her. If there isn't, you have to pull the plug. But the last thing you can afford to do is stay in limbo. That's a losing hand in every situation.
Author Jim86 Posted October 10, 2013 Author Posted October 10, 2013 You have to reduce it down to yes or no though. There's no other option -- limbo is more destructive than anything in this situation. You have to ask yourself if there's anything she can do to allay your concerns/desires to leave. If there is, you need to talk to her and communicate your misgivings and try to work through it with her. If there isn't, you have to pull the plug. But the last thing you can afford to do is stay in limbo. That's a losing hand in every situation. And don't I know it....
Simon Phoenix Posted October 10, 2013 Posted October 10, 2013 (edited) And don't I know it.... You know the process. Now it's time to start taking the steps. No more delaying -- it's time to move this toward some sort of conclusion. Edited October 11, 2013 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Author Jim86 Posted October 10, 2013 Author Posted October 10, 2013 You need to break up with your girlfriend. Why? Because you clearly stated that you want to experience more relationships. It is quite natural to feel this way. This feeling of, "what else is out there", is not always GIGS. You're young and don't want to be tied to only a few relationship experiences in your life. I've seen most of my friends get divorced because they married early and never enjoyed the variety of relationships that they wanted. It's far better to do this now rather than 10 years and two kids later..... There is so much more to it than relationships/sex. I'm just very bored atm and the thought that this is me for the rest of my entire life scares me like you wouldn't believe; this could maybe be the main catalyst to my feelings tbh in fact I just realised it probably is. But again I don't mean sex, it's way down the list. I mean more of the everyday, bread-winning, 'normal,' typical husband, with mortage, debts, work-sleep-work-sleep-debt-sleep-work, until I ****ing die, this, coupled with the thought of all that I've potentially missed out on during the last 7 years during my 20's (arguably the best years of your life if you have your freedom(yet again, i'm not just talking about sex) and finally, the actual day-to-day relationship problems.... I think I'm starting to make progress in understanding all of this.
Mz_sassy_77 Posted October 10, 2013 Posted October 10, 2013 I think my BF felt a lot like you did. I think he gets bored after a while and I also think he believes he can find someone out there who is "better" for him. Breaking up is never good, and sometimes its hard on both sides, especially if you care about them. The thing that really, really hurt me was the way my ex did it. I knew for quite a while before hand that something wasnt right, asked him repeatedly and he would just lie to my face and say everything was fine. Personally I think he waited until the most opportune, convenient time for him to do it. So rather then showing me the decency of sitting down and talking to me about how he was feeling - even if he didnt want to be with me anymore - he just dicked me around. Also I later found out he was running around complaining about me to all his so called friends. So that made me look stupid cos he was telling everyone else all the problems he had with me. Personally I think after 3 years I think I deserved the decency of him sitting down and talking to me about it. In saying that I think I will have some major trust issues in the future because of this and how cruel he was. Now I just think he was a selfish, using, arsehole. And like i said not because he broke up with me, I dont want to be with someone who doesnt want to be with me, but because of HOW he did it. Only you can decide if you want to end it. Only you know the ins and outs of your relationship. Only you know your true feelings and why you are having doubts. Just do it in a decent way. 1
Author Jim86 Posted October 10, 2013 Author Posted October 10, 2013 It's hard to get objective advice on this side of the forum because you have posters who have had their hearts broken by being dumped. And you're absolutely right - breaking someone's heart can be just as painful as having it broken. One day, the heartbroken will understand that. It's not as simple as walking out. Sometimes you love someone enough to let them go, and that, is the worst pain of all. Consider everything from all sides but ultimately, remember that you're doing the right thing by yourself AND her, if you leave a relationship you no longer want to be in - despite what the heartbroken might say. Good luck. I can totally see how they struggle to understand. Thanks for that 1
Author Jim86 Posted October 10, 2013 Author Posted October 10, 2013 I knew for quite a while before hand that something wasnt right, asked him repeatedly and he would just lie to my face and say everything was fine. Only because at this point he wanted everything to be fine, he was fighting his urge to leave you because he loved you SO much. He didn't want you to worry because at this stage he thought you had nothing to worry about. He still thought he was going to work through his reservations because he genuinely loved you.
Mz_sassy_77 Posted October 10, 2013 Posted October 10, 2013 Only because at this point he wanted everything to be fine, he was fighting his urge to leave you because he loved you SO much. He didn't want you to worry because at this stage he thought you had nothing to worry about. He still thought he was going to work through his reservations because he genuinely loved you. See this is the thing. People throw around the word love all the time.... Oh i love them but i need to leave them, im unhappy, etc. I dont think thats the case. I think you can care about someone so that makes the decision hard, and then a lot of it comes down to having the guts to do it. But i think if you truly do LOVE someone you wouldnt want to leave them. You'd do anything to make it work and want to stay with them. I'd like to say he did love me and that's what made him drag out his decision. But I'd say its more that he cared about me and lacked the guts to do it, but DIDNT love me and thats why he finally left. 1
Author Jim86 Posted October 10, 2013 Author Posted October 10, 2013 See this is the thing. People throw around the word love all the time.... Oh i love them but i need to leave them, im unhappy, etc. I dont think thats the case. I think you can care about someone so that makes the decision hard, and then a lot of it comes down to having the guts to do it. But i think if you truly do LOVE someone you wouldnt want to leave them. You'd do anything to make it work and want to stay with them. I'd like to say he did love me and that's what made him drag out his decision. But I'd say its more that he cared about me and lacked the guts to do it, but DIDNT love me and thats why he finally left. First off sorry, that reply wasn't meant be be in bold; I don't want you to think i was shouting.... I see you're point, I suppose it maybe does comes down to ones definition of love, but when I say I love her as much now as I always have I mean it. I can see how it's hard to grasp; it's because it doesn't make sense; it doesn't make much sense to me either.
Mz_sassy_77 Posted October 10, 2013 Posted October 10, 2013 First off sorry, that reply wasn't meant be be in bold; I don't want you to think i was shouting.... I see you're point, I suppose it maybe does comes down to ones definition of love, but when I say I love her as much now as I always have I mean it. I can see how it's hard to grasp; it's because it doesn't make sense; it doesn't make much sense to me either. BU is never going to be good unless both people are totally on the same page and I dont think that happens very often. Relationships are complicated. And yeah everyone has a different definition of love. I've just been put off the whole thing. I dont think the pain is worth it really. And looking around at all the other couples in the world...who ever lasts for the long term now? Its rare.....
Never Again Posted October 10, 2013 Posted October 10, 2013 I can totally see how they struggle to understand. Thanks for that Some struggle to understand, and those of us that do tend to have the more extreme opinions. However, some of us have been on both sides of the fence. One thing I will say, is don't use your "happiness" as a gauge. A relationship shouldn't make you miserable, but it's purpose also isn't to make you happy all the time. You're responsible for your own happiness...what the relationship brings is the opportunity for growth. Even relationships that end being this, but in those that continue...the most growth comes from moments of conflict. As I said before, only you can make this decision. To be frank, indecision is a decision. You may have waited to long to "fix" what you're feeling. That's up to you. If you want to give the relationship a shot, and I mean a REAL shot, you need to be willing to open up, and be honest and vulnerable with your girlfriend. Yes, even that will hurt her, but it will allow her to be a part of it. She may decide to let you go find yourself on your own...or she may want to try. If she wants to try, and you also want to try...then you need to give it 100%...at least for a little while. If you don't think there's any coming back from where you are, then it may be better to end it gently, no matter how much it hurts. Either way, all you can do is follow your heart. No one can ask more of you than to do what you think is best. Personally, i advocate being honest with her and trying...for two reasons: 1.) If you try and fail, at least you'll both know you tried, and you can walk away knowing that you did everything you could 2.) You may just surprise yourself, and things may either work out...or you may learn something about yourself and relationships that you didn't know anymore 3
Author Jim86 Posted October 10, 2013 Author Posted October 10, 2013 BU is never going to be good unless both people are totally on the same page and I dont think that happens very often. Relationships are complicated. And yeah everyone has a different definition of love. I've just been put off the whole thing. I dont think the pain is worth it really. And looking around at all the other couples in the world...who ever lasts for the long term now? Its rare..... Very true; really complicated. I've never been so confused..
Mz_sassy_77 Posted October 10, 2013 Posted October 10, 2013 In your case I think It's going to be really difficult if you do it..Sorry just being honest. Because people who are dumped always want to know why. And your not sure why you feel this way, you just do, so how can you explain that to someone else? So it will be hard for her to understand that. Then they think what else could I have done, is there something wrong with me., etc. Know that she will be upset. But she will be OK. You feel like crap for a while and slowly start to rebuild. I think its very similar to a death. You do mourn for a time. Its unavoidable. On the flip side who knows whats going to happen in the future? You might BU and she may go on to meet someone who adores her and is happier then she has ever been.
Author Jim86 Posted October 10, 2013 Author Posted October 10, 2013 In your case I think It's going to be really difficult if you do it..Sorry just being honest. Because people who are dumped always want to know why. And your not sure why you feel this way, you just do, so how can you explain that to someone else? So it will be hard for her to understand that. Then they think what else could I have done, is there something wrong with me., etc. Know that she will be upset. But she will be OK. You feel like crap for a while and slowly start to rebuild. I think its very similar to a death. You do mourn for a time. Its unavoidable. On the flip side who knows whats going to happen in the future? You might BU and she may go on to meet someone who adores her and is happier then she has ever been. You're totally right, she maybe wouldn't understand, but there's really nothing she could do to change the way I feel, it's not her fault. 'On the flip side who knows whats going to happen in the future? You might BU and she may go on to meet someone who adores her and is happier then she has ever been.' She could indeed, and so could I. I'm going to come clean with the way I'm feeling and I'll probably suggest some time apart, that's the only thing I can think of to snap out of this.
Never Again Posted October 10, 2013 Posted October 10, 2013 I'm going to come clean with the way I'm feeling and I'll probably suggest some time apart, that's the only thing I can think of to snap out of this. If I could make a suggestion: decide before you go in what kind of boundaries, or lack thereof, will be on this time apart. I only say this because, while it may not be on her mind at first, it will come around. Better to lay it down up front. By this I mean, is it going to be a "break" at first, or straight to "break up"? You may not know how long you'll need alone...but if this is something you think could could snap out of, then you should set a defined minimum of NC for both your sakes...say NC for two weeks to a month minimum before you reconnect and decide where you're going from there. Will you both agree to remain single during some of this initial time apart? It adds more to your plate, but if you're thinking "time apart" instead of breaking it off completely, then it's stuff you'll have to consider.
Mz_sassy_77 Posted October 10, 2013 Posted October 10, 2013 You're totally right, she maybe wouldn't understand, but there's really nothing she could do to change the way I feel, it's not her fault. 'On the flip side who knows whats going to happen in the future? You might BU and she may go on to meet someone who adores her and is happier then she has ever been.' She could indeed, and so could I. I'm going to come clean with the way I'm feeling and I'll probably suggest some time apart, that's the only thing I can think of to snap out of this. You're right to be honest. Just be honest. Like I said I hate how my ex went about things. I just feel like it wasn't worth him bothering to take the time out to sit down with me and have an honest conversation about it. It still would of been difficult. I would of respected him for it though....
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