Jim86 Posted October 9, 2013 Posted October 9, 2013 I'll keep this short to begin with... In short, I think I need to break up with my girlfriend but I don't have the balls to do so because I love her so much. It's got to the point were it's all I can think about, to the point were I can barely function day-to-day. We've been together 7 years and have been living together for 4. I actually can't believe I'm even thinking like this let alone writing on a forum for advice/opinions... I'd love to hear some input/advice/opinions...ask me anything
headinthecloud Posted October 9, 2013 Posted October 9, 2013 There's never a good time to end things. Just muster up the courage to communicate your feelings and let them know how you're feeling. Start with that discussion. Just be honest. Sounds like you've shut down and when you're not communicating that's when people make poor choices. This is going to be really hard but think of the future and be courageous to face your fears. Integrity is not an easy characteristic to have as you have to earn it. You might be surprised with the outcome because at the moment you're suffering and that's not healthy. 1
Author Jim86 Posted October 9, 2013 Author Posted October 9, 2013 To be honest, the reason I've been putting it off is because I don't even know what I want. I don't know if it'll be a 'we needa work at this' conversation, or a 'it's already too late' conversation. I don't know if I want to work at it or if it's already too late; I think it might be. I have definitely shut down, so much so that I'm surprised she hasn't noticed; in fact she probably has; maybe she's in denial. The guilt is unbearable
J21 Posted October 9, 2013 Posted October 9, 2013 To be honest, the reason I've been putting it off is because I don't even know what I want. I don't know if it'll be a 'we needa work at this' conversation, or a 'it's already too late' conversation. I don't know if I want to work at it or if it's already too late; I think it might be. I would strongly advise you figure this part out first before anything else. Not to come off the wrong way or anything, but you gave us about 4 sentences and asked us for advice on a huge, possibly life regretting decision. 1
Author Jim86 Posted October 9, 2013 Author Posted October 9, 2013 I thought it would be better to keep it as short as possible and add to it as questions arose so people wouldn't be put off by an essay; maybe I should've went all out...any info you want, just ask. Tbh I think it is too late already.
JesseW Posted October 9, 2013 Posted October 9, 2013 I would first start out with a " we need to work this out" conversation, because you still love her. From that point if it still isn't floating your boat, then leave. Then you wont have any regrets becuase you tried. 1
hurts2death Posted October 9, 2013 Posted October 9, 2013 gigs knocking your door... you do not know what you want? please dont break up i can tell you the grass is s hitter not greener... find a way to respark it dont let go your love you will regret it...
Author Jim86 Posted October 9, 2013 Author Posted October 9, 2013 I would first start out with a " we need to work this out" conversation, because you still love her. From that point if it still isn't floating your boat, then leave. Then you wont have any regrets becuase you tried. It feels like a lose-lose situation tbh; once you start thinking, 'I think I need to end this,' it doesn't go away....it's there to stay. So if I split up, I'll regret losing the love of my life, and if I stay I'll not be able to stop those thoughts and might end either splitting up further down the line anyway, or end up resenting her. It's madness....
Author Jim86 Posted October 9, 2013 Author Posted October 9, 2013 gigs knocking your door... you do not know what you want? please dont break up i can tell you the grass is s hitter not greener... find a way to respark it dont let go your love you will regret it... Part of it is definitely gigs, but I stress, it's nothing to do with wanting to sleep around. How do I know the grass isn't greener, it could be amazingly green?! And about gigs; the thing is, most people say things like, 'they THINK they missed out on something,' but the fact is, they DID miss out on something.
hurts2death Posted October 9, 2013 Posted October 9, 2013 look you will go through the same s hit but from an other a ss its your call after all.. just my opinion.... johnPart of it is definitely gigs, but I stress, it's nothing to do with wanting to sleep around. How do I know the grass isn't greener, it could be amazingly green?! And about gigs; the thing is, most people say things like, 'they THINK they missed out on something,' but the fact is, they DID miss out on something.
Crashandburn Posted October 9, 2013 Posted October 9, 2013 Part of it is definitely gigs, but I stress, it's nothing to do with wanting to sleep around. How do I know the grass isn't greener, it could be amazingly green?! And about gigs; the thing is, most people say things like, 'they THINK they missed out on something,' but the fact is, they DID miss out on something. My BF is lost and confused as well and said if he were to meet someone else he would HOPE that it would be different but knows it won't because he makes up reasons for it to not work. He wants to work on it so we are taking it slowly. Are you at the point where you either want to marry or break-up? I mean where is marriage in this equation? 7 years is a very long time. Of course you are missing out on other people... but does that really matter? I guess the question is, can the risk of hurting someone you have loved for 7yrs and deeply cares for you, be worth chasing the unknown which may or may not be "better". Are you just being selfish or are you truly unhappy? Why is talking it out not an option? This article I found yesterday was insightful: How Do I Know If She's The One? A Look at Romantic Love, Perfect Love & Relative Love - Primer I'm not sure I could share it with my bf without seeming desperate... but this may help you.
Author Jim86 Posted October 9, 2013 Author Posted October 9, 2013 look you will go through the same s hit but from an other a ss its your call after all.. just my opinion.... john A call that's so hard to make it's driving me insane...literally. I got diagnosed with anxiety and depression recently...i feel like there's so much to think about, that I just keep going around in circles; getting nowhere.
Author Jim86 Posted October 9, 2013 Author Posted October 9, 2013 My BF is lost and confused as well and said if he were to meet someone else he would HOPE that it would be different but knows it won't because he makes up reasons for it to not work. He wants to work on it so we are taking it slowly. Are you at the point where you either want to marry or break-up? I mean where is marriage in this equation? 7 years is a very long time. Of course you are missing out on other people... but does that really matter? I guess the question is, can the risk of hurting someone you have loved for 7yrs and deeply cares for you, be worth chasing the unknown which may or may not be "better". Are you just being selfish or are you truly unhappy? Why is talking it out not an option? This article I found yesterday was insightful: How Do I Know If She's The One? A Look at Romantic Love, Perfect Love & Relative Love - Primer I'm not sure I could share it with my bf without seeming desperate... but this may help you. The thoughts I'm having are pretty new, well basically since the start of this year, and when they started it actually scared me; they still do; I wish I was content, it would be a whole lot easier...anyway, up until this year the only thing stopping us getting engaged was money (I didn't want to buy any old ring just to 'get the job done'). In fact about 1.5 years ago I started to try and save for a ring but it kept getting spent. We talked marriage, kids within the next few years, we even have two dogs which are treated pretty much as children; marriage is/was(?) definitely on the cards within the next 2/3 years. Of course you are missing out on other people... but does that really matter? I hope I don't sound too cold here....The big problem here is that I'm unbelievably rational and logical... We've been dating since I was 20 and she was 18. I was her first and I'd only been with 2 others. It's mine and her first and only relationship; so I've nothing to compare her to, this kills me! No matter how much I try to listen to my heart over my head I come back to this. I mean I could be right in thinking Im missing out? As an analogy, if you're out searching for gold, you wouldn't go home after finding your first lump expecting that it's the biggest you're going to find....so yes, it matters a lot. Are you just being selfish or are you truly unhappy? Why is talking it out not an option? At the moment I'm truly unhappy, yes. You could argue I'm selfish I suppose but who isn't?! And tbh I'd rather be selfish than unhappy. Talking it out wouldn't really change anything tbh because there's nothing to talk about; this is all on me. I could tell her how I'm feeling but that won't help me make a decision, it'll just make her upset, for potentially no reason at all...and her reactions may cloud my judgement and hamper my thoughts. I really feel this is entirely my own decision and it's all on me. Thanks so much for your reply, I will read that article now.....
Mariposa10 Posted October 9, 2013 Posted October 9, 2013 Does she have any idea of what's going on? Also, honestly... is there someone you're starting to like, is there someone you have a crush on??
Never Again Posted October 9, 2013 Posted October 9, 2013 once you start thinking, 'I think I need to end this,' it doesn't go away....it's there to stay. Not true. That's being neurotic, which we're all guilty of when under stress. As long as you watch the pot, it'll never boil - rather, as long as you hyperfocus on what's wrong, it'll never have the opportunity to get better. Creeping doubts do not HAVE to linger. You are in control of your own mind, actions and emotions. You can't force yourself to be attracted or feel love for someone, but you sure can put yourself in situations that could STIMULATE these feelings...and if it doesn't work, then you know for sure. It's about being proactive, opening up to the unknown, being vulnerable, letting go of expectations and preconceptions and really, actually TRYING. The only reason anxiety and guilt like this sets in and stays is because you feel like you're actively betraying your partner. Let her in...you may realize that it lowers that invisible wall just a little. It's hard. It may fail. But it's always worth a shot. If nothing else, by letting her in and letting her try...she'll have the satisfaction of knowing you both gave it everything you had before you quit. The hardest lesson to learn in relationships is when to hold on, and when to quit. Sometimes, the love you want is right over that obstacle you plunked down in front of yourself...just past the doubt. Sometimes, it's gone forever. Nothing ventured, nothing gained. You really have nothing to lose by trying. 1
barky2 Posted October 9, 2013 Posted October 9, 2013 If you do not know what you want,give her enough respect to cut her off now instead of keeping her around till you figure it out. Take a long walk and decide what you truly want Been there done that And the year of trying to get her back was not worth the one month of freedom I had Barky 1
Crashandburn Posted October 9, 2013 Posted October 9, 2013 We've been dating since I was 20 and she was 18. I was her first and I'd only been with 2 others.....so yes, it matters a lot. Well then, that article was really for those that have had a lot of time to commit and never could (like late 30s)... Read it now and remember this 10 years from now You on the other hand you are so inexperienced! I'm sure you don't even know who you are without her... Your reason is a good reason to break-up 1) You are unhappy to be IN the relationship. 2) You don't know anyone else and you NEED to explore. Right now you know that if you do get married it will be there in the back of your mind forever and I'm sure that won't work out either.. She does deserve more than that. So I guess it will all be on how you handle it. Make sure it is with a lot of care. It will be hard but done right, I am still acquaintances with my college sweetheart of 4.5 years so it can work out. You love her but just need to do this. I get it, I think a lot of people get it. We don't want to believe that this could happen once in love but in this day and age marrying your first or near first is considered 'weird' You are at least being honest with yourself and not going to hurt her by cheating or stringing her along. I'm not hating on those that marry their first everything but usually they are both VERY into it, on the same page/wave length. I have a friend that has proposed to his first love this year after they had a 3 year breakup and realized that what they had was special. But there are also a lot of people that are relieved that they didn't do it since they learned so much about themselves. Good luck! 1
Author Jim86 Posted October 9, 2013 Author Posted October 9, 2013 Does she have any idea of what's going on? Also, honestly... is there someone you're starting to like, is there someone you have a crush on?? Absolutely not. I had one crush about 2 years ago and that's it in the last 7 years, and I had no urge to do anything about it; I was totally content.
petall Posted October 9, 2013 Posted October 9, 2013 Ugh. You still love this girl eventhough you want to break up and you don't know why? What's wrong with you? Surely if you still love her, you should be working things out? Don't throw away your relationship for some spurious reason which you don't even know. Cherish it, cherish her. Just look around you at all the broken hearts on this forum where dumpees speak their words. It's unimaginable pain. Just be very sure you want to call your relationship off before you inflict this pain on someone.
Bubberfly Posted October 9, 2013 Posted October 9, 2013 You know what, from the little you've mentioned, I personally wouldn't want to be with someone who feels like you do. Don't string the poor girl along. Cut ties, walk away, and let her find someone who kNOWS they want to be with her.
Never Again Posted October 9, 2013 Posted October 9, 2013 (edited) You know what, from the little you've mentioned, I personally wouldn't want to be with someone who feels like you do. Don't string the poor girl along. Cut ties, walk away, and let her find someone who kNOWS they want to be with her. You have nothing to lose and everything to gain by trying, but maybe you don't want what you could gain. Answer the question yourself. None of us will be of any use to you. As you can tell from reading our posts, there are several of us on either side of the issue, and while none of us are "wrong", listening to us will only made you more confused. I implore you to not string her along with false hopes, though. If you're going to try, be honest and actually try. If you're going to end it, make it clear that this is IT, forever, and let her move on. Edited October 11, 2013 by a LoveShack.org Moderator 1
barky2 Posted October 9, 2013 Posted October 9, 2013 (edited) Most of us that give advice is from personal experience Everyone thinks that their story is different I was one of those Fact is we are not I stand by what I said, op find out what you truly want If it's not her then let her know If you're unsure then let her go If it's her put in the effort It's quite simple really. Barky Edited October 11, 2013 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Author Jim86 Posted October 9, 2013 Author Posted October 9, 2013 Thanks everyone, I want to answer every question and will do so later tonight after work.
Quest4_TheLost Posted October 9, 2013 Posted October 9, 2013 Dear,Jim I think there is a huge lack of focus on the real problem going on right now. Which is your anxiety and depression. That right there is a very serious mental illness. You think that breaking up with your gf will ease this anxiety but it won't. In fact it will make it worse. Neither one of those things are easy to deal with and are indeed clouding your judgement. My thought is to do yourself a favor and start treating those problems see a counselor or seek some therapy. Get on medication for the depression and anxiety. Then come back to this problem so you can see it clearly. This thing that constantly bugs you every day and makes it so you can't think of anything else is the anxiety. You've invested 7 years in this relationship. I think this depression and anxiety is getting the best of you. So before you decide to make would could be the biggest mistake of your life. I would get help for your mental illness's before hitting the kill switch.
Coping Vortex Posted October 9, 2013 Posted October 9, 2013 I would talk, talk again and talk some more. The worst thing you can do is make the break only to find out you miss her and she moved onto someone else. Trust me that pain is unbearable. You have been in a relationship for seven years you cant see the other side of the pain of the BU. Just be sure you are done. Completely done. If you think that you could imagine her loving someone else, kissing them, &**^%ing them and being happy with someone else and not you, and not care at all. Then you are indeed done. I know its hard to imagine because you only know her being with you, But try hard to imagine a scenario without her. And her in the arms of another guy. Then multiply that by 10 and that is the pain you could feel if you did indeed love her and then realize you made a mistake. No matter what you decide just remember once you break up, some part of your relationship should it even continue, will never be the same again. Just look through what you really want and be 1,000% sure.
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