3am and MM's moving out. Now what?

[stillafool]

I can't children hating me as they're still pretty young. Young enough where they don't really understand the dynamics of a marriage girlfriend boyfriend and all of that, keep in mind that I know them and they know of me as their father's friend and our children know each other and all the children together are very young and around the same age they all absolutely adore one another as we've done things as a group previously. His one child actually asked if he and I could be gf/bf. they're just all very young and not going to approach me with any angst I can guarantee that

 

So you're saying the kids are so young they probably won't even remember who their mother is?

[stillafool]

Yeah she may not like that thought, the kids really do love me and my kids so that's all I'm going to focus on. She can get mad and shake her fist in the air but it is what it is.

 

Hopefully for your sake the air is the only place she shakes her fist. It could be on your face. Be careful.

[HopingAgain]

Good you feel this way so 10 years down the road when he does this to you at least you will understand.

 

10 years? You're being waaay too generous. I would give it less than half of that!

[AlwaysGrowing]

Yeah she may not like that thought, the kids really do love me and my kids so that's all I'm going to focus on. She can get mad and shake her fist in the air but it is what it is.

 

A word of advice...take it or leave it.

 

Trying to be mother to her children, is like kicking a hornets nest and expecting not to get stung.

 

Try to remember these children are HERS, you will never be their mother. Don't go in with the attitude that she doesn't matter, because you will find out..she can do a lot more that just "shake her fist in the air", the hard way.

[whichwayisup]

Originally Posted by LilGirlandOW

Yeah she may not like that thought, the kids really do love me and my kids so that's all I'm going to focus on. She can get mad and shake her fist in the air but it is what it is.

 

If you believe that her kids will be more loyal to you than to their own mother because you think his kids really do love you, sorry to say, you're sadly mistaken and are totally fooling yourself. One day you'll have a huge reality smack in the face when those kids turn on you.

[LilGirlandOW]

Wow ok first off I'm not at all looking to replace her as their mother that's not what I meant by my posting. Until their D is final we won't be spending anytime with he the kids and I, we already discussed that. Although I highly doubt that his kids will hate or resent me when we do open our R to them. I have step parents, I love them both dearly

 

So hopefully that sets that straight.

 

Good news front he already found a new place and he and the kids went to see it, they seemed excited I was told so that was nice

[LilGirlandOW]

YeH teens are unpredictable creatures, I'm thNkful his and mine are very young.

 

I agree somewhat with the above post, everything seems very 'to good to be true' so to speak.

[LilGirlandOW]

With that being said, everyone here screams actions are all that matter. He's definitely taking action.

 

I appreciate that

[LilGirlandOW]

I can't sleep.

 

I still feel overwhelmed. I still feel scared of that chance he will change his mind, even with all his reassurance and determination to move things forward. My loveshack radar won't rest... The what if's, the whys, the hopes, the fear of his mind changing is consuming

[jlola]

Oh, I doubt he will change his mind. He is getting the better end of the deal. But in a few years when you get used to seeing him everyday and the in love "chemicals" have lost it's effects as it always does , and you see his true character without rose colored glasses and have to live with his neat freakness, baggage from his situation and live real mundane everyday real life with the "prize" you yearned for when he was unavailable . I fear YOU will be the one to wonder what was so wonderful about him in the first place.

[Midnight_Princess]

I think some of you are being quiet harsh to lil, as usual. Shes not asking for advice on the kids, shes not asking for your predictions on if her rship will last, and shes not asking for your approval of her actions(if you dont agree with then fine but why attack? ). Shes asking for advice and support for her current situation. We have all been in tough spots and even posted about them on the forum, and im sure you wouldnt appreciate these mean off topic posts being aimed at you when you are reaching out for help. Im sorry but I hate seeing this woman attacked in ALL threads she makes, seriously is there one good reason for it?

 

Lil, Sorry to rant in your thread but it really annoys me to read these replys. I hope everything works out for you.

[CrystalCastles]

I think some of you are being quiet harsh to lil, as usual. Shes not asking for advice on the kids, shes not asking for your predictions on if her rship will last, and shes not asking for your approval of her actions(if you dont agree with then fine but why attack? ). Shes asking for advice and support for her current situation. We have all been in tough spots and even posted about them on the forum, and im sure you wouldnt appreciate these mean off topic posts being aimed at you when you are reaching out for help. Im sorry but I hate seeing this woman attacked in ALL threads she makes, seriously is there one good reason for it?

 

Lil, Sorry to rant in your thread but it really annoys me to read these replys. I hope everything works out for you.

 

^Had the same thought. Enough with bashing Lil already. Bashing Lil until you're blue in the face isn't going to change the situation. Stop already.

[Got it]

Lil, I understand, it feels overwhelming right now but don't put the cart befor the horse. You can "what if" yourself to death. Look at what is happening today and accept that. Tomorrow could mean a 180 or not, there is no good coming from sleepless nights trying to anticipate it.

 

I understand and went through similar feelings. I recommend the book "Surviving My Boyfriend's Divorce" for some "been there" thoughts. It isn't from an affair angle but it helpful nonetheless.

 

I also do recommend IC for you as well. It can be very helpful to have a place that you can vent all your thoughts, a good sounding board for what is reasonable and what isn't and a support when you need it.

 

And I have to say how much you are in the loop or not is really up to you. Some people want to know everything, some want to just focus on their relationship and let him wrap that up without your involvement. It is really based on what feels right for you.

 

For us, I didn't met the kids for a long time, it was years even after the divorce. This was for multiple reasons and what was right in our situation. My best advice is don't rush the kid piece. Give them time to adjust and give him time to work on his solo relationship with them. They all need that bonding time to write a new chapter of their relationship. It will be good for him not to have someone to buffer or lean on and it will be fantastic for them.

 

I have a good relationship with two of the three stepkids. We did have a dday so it was a lot bloodier for us. While there may be things that I would have done differently, the waiting is definitely not one of them. It may have been fine earlier but isn't worth the gamble.

[LilGirlandOW]

I am 'what if'ing' myself to death. I keep getting excited punctuated with anxiety that he'll change his mind, or bs would change her mind.

 

It might drive me crazy

 

I'm know I need to reflect on how things are right now today, he seems excited about a fresh start, his kids are taking everything good, the bs is making her own moves towards the separation/divorce process. I wish I could relax and share his feeling of happiness for the future. I will breathe more lightly the day he has the keys to his new place in his hands, hopefully today.

[LilGirlandOW]

I think some of you are being quiet harsh to lil, as usual. Shes not asking for advice on the kids, shes not asking for your predictions on if her rship will last, and shes not asking for your approval of her actions(if you dont agree with then fine but why attack? ). Shes asking for advice and support for her current situation. We have all been in tough spots and even posted about them on the forum, and im sure you wouldnt appreciate these mean off topic posts being aimed at you when you are reaching out for help. Im sorry but I hate seeing this woman attacked in ALL threads she makes, seriously is there one good reason for it?

 

Lil, Sorry to rant in your thread but it really annoys me to read these replys. I hope everything works out for you.

 

Thanks that's so very sweet xoxo

[LilGirlandOW]

^Had the same thought. Enough with bashing Lil already. Bashing Lil until you're blue in the face isn't going to change the situation. Stop already.

 

Thanks I appreciate this xoxo

[Goodbye]

Lil, it really is a waiting game. I guess I'm a skeptic based on my own experiences with exMM and I feel like until the ink is dry on a divorce decree, not is certain. You are right to not share in his excitement at a "fresh start" probably because you've been through a divorce of your own with kids. Even if divorce is the RIGHT thing, it isn't easy...this I know first had.

 

I hope things proceed with minimal drama.

[Babolat]

I think you are also doing a lot of what I did when I was hanging out with the girl with a bf, ignoring things, not asking "them" questions, because, I did not want to know, yet I did want to know. It finally got to me so bad where I had to tell her "I cannot be the other man". That's when we stopped hanging out.

 

Months later she contacted me, we went out, she volunteered she is alone now and wants to be, that is all I needed to hear and I have not asked one question about her ex bf, and I have no desire to.

 

What you are doing, is giving him all of the control, which is not healthy, when you don't ask questions. And, when you don't have information, you "what if", "assume", "anticipate"...and now you are having anxiety because of this.

 

He has the control.....think about that. It should be balanced. And I am not saying he is doing this on purpose..or he is a bad guy...you allow it. In a healthy relationship we should be able to ask questions, we should be able to collect information, information we use to process and make decisions.

[ForeverHopeful1]

Wow ok first off I'm not at all looking to replace her as their mother that's not what I meant by my posting. Until their D is final we won't be spending anytime with he the kids and I, we already discussed that. Although I highly doubt that his kids will hate or resent me when we do open our R to them. I have step parents, I love them both dearly

 

So hopefully that sets that straight.

 

Good news front he already found a new place and he and the kids went to see it, they seemed excited I was told so that was nice

 

Did one or both of your parents cheat with these step parents?

[Cali408]

I am 'what if'ing' myself to death. I keep getting excited punctuated with anxiety that he'll change his mind, or bs would change her mind.

 

It might drive me crazy

 

I'm know I need to reflect on how things are right now today, he seems excited about a fresh start, his kids are taking everything good, the bs is making her own moves towards the separation/divorce process. I wish I could relax and share his feeling of happiness for the future. I will breathe more lightly the day he has the keys to his new place in his hands, hopefully today.

 

This is why you need to back off. Reality hasn't hit him yet. It's still a fantasy. "I've gotten rid of the battle ax and am going to be with LilGirlOW!" Wait until his wife busts his balls about custody. Wait until he sees what it's like when he loses 1/2 his stuff and has to write a check every month.

 

He is going to blame someone for his unhappiness, and you could be the target once his conscience and guilt override this new world he is embarking.

 

I don't blame you for being excited and if it works out for the best, that's great for you. But, a lot of patience now will make things easier in the future.

 

In regard to the children, don't go Leann Rimes. Brandi is a vengeful cat when it comes to her kittens...

[Babolat]

Did one or both of your parents cheat with these step parents?

 

Exactly what I thought..I have step parents too..(my guess is 50% of us do, right?) they met after my mom's divorce to my dad. As these kids get older, assuming your relationship continues, they will be curious, they will connect dots, and they will probably ask questions.

 

In none of my posts have I passed judgement on you or this man. In fact, I have empathy for you. Cheating, adultry, and the like simply disgusts me. I don't get it as there are so many healthy, available people out there...

 

Personally, I think there is something deeper than what one sees on the surface, that causes them to do this (both parties). As I said earlier, one does not just "meet" someone, while married, and fall in love with them, it's a decision, maybe not consciously, but it is. It's called marriage and vows for a reason.

[cif]

I think some of you are being quiet harsh to lil, as usual. Shes not asking for advice on the kids, shes not asking for your predictions on if her rship will last, and shes not asking for your approval of her actions(if you dont agree with then fine but why attack? ). Shes asking for advice and support for her current situation. We have all been in tough spots and even posted about them on the forum, and im sure you wouldnt appreciate these mean off topic posts being aimed at you when you are reaching out for help. Im sorry but I hate seeing this woman attacked in ALL threads she makes, seriously is there one good reason for it?

 

Lil, Sorry to rant in your thread but it really annoys me to read these replys. I hope everything works out for you.

 

God, even *I* got attacked on her thread lol. Lil you were married for years right? So I think she knows what a LTR is/feels like. Despite her handle she's a grown woman.

[Owl]

To get this back on track...

 

Lil, I'm still curious what really went down on the morning of the 3am move out?

 

He just laid there awake all night, or woke up suddenly at 3am, decided he had enough, and got dressed and walked out that morning without any ado?

 

His wife watched him go, perhaps made him coffee and brought him his coat while he calmly and quietly packed a bag, then told him "Good bye, I'll have the appraisers over on Thursday. Let me know where you're staying so I can tell the kids."?

 

I find that hard to believe.

 

3AM departures are pretty much never the result of calm discussion and polite agreemant.

[HopingAgain]

To get this back on track...

 

Lil, I'm still curious what really went down on the morning of the 3am move out?

 

He just laid there awake all night, or woke up suddenly at 3am, decided he had enough, and got dressed and walked out that morning without any ado?

 

His wife watched him go, perhaps made him coffee and brought him his coat while he calmly and quietly packed a bag, then told him "Good bye, I'll have the appraisers over on Thursday. Let me know where you're staying so I can tell the kids."?

 

I find that hard to believe.

 

3AM departures are pretty much never the result of calm discussion and polite agreemant.

 

He got shown the door by his wife and wants Lil to think it was his decision. There is no doubt about that. I have NEVER heard of a man leaving his wife at 3 A.M. without incident.

[HopingAgain]

This is why you need to back off. Reality hasn't hit him yet. It's still a fantasy. "I've gotten rid of the battle ax and am going to be with LilGirlOW!" Wait until his wife busts his balls about custody. Wait until he sees what it's like when he loses 1/2 his stuff and has to write a check every month.

 

He is going to blame someone for his unhappiness, and you could be the target once his conscience and guilt override this new world he is embarking.

 

I don't blame you for being excited and if it works out for the best, that's great for you. But, a lot of patience now will make things easier in the future.

 

In regard to the children, don't go Leann Rimes. Brandi is a vengeful cat when it comes to her kittens...

 

I can attest to this. After a divorce or seperation that is due to an affair, there IS a great deal of resentment towards the AP by the MP once reality hits home. Instead of rightfully blaming oneself for contributing to the marital breakup, you begin to blame the AP and resent the hell out of them.

 

Divorce is a rollercoaster of emotions in the best of circumstances, but divorces that come about because of an affair really double the length of the ride and triple the emotional fallout.