Goodbye Posted October 12, 2013 Share Posted October 12, 2013 He's been staying at his parents and going to their place when BS is at her parents. He has all the paperwork and combined situations have been/are being separated. Such as various accounts for various things. He talks about our future now, wants to make plans to do different things and says he hopes I'll stay by his side. What does "he has all the paperwork" mean. Either someone HAS filed or NOT. Heck, when I filed, I didn't even see the paperwork. The lawyer signed on my behalf and the marshall served my H. Filing for divorce is not a process. The divorce is a process. Link to post Share on other sites
threelaurels Posted October 12, 2013 Share Posted October 12, 2013 I'm gonna try to stay optimistic and hopeful. I think the chances of them reconciling are very slim given his wife's behavior. It seems she wants to wash her hands of him as quickly as possible. I would not be surprised if she had an OM. Right now, if she knows about the A, she doesn't seem to have any interest holding it over his head if her plans for splitting the assets and dividing up time with the children are relatively fair. Stay optimistic and hopeful, but just make sure to guard your heart. Nothing hurts worse than having high hopes about something only to be let down. You should take this time to focus on you. Let him handle the D details. How do you think your STBX will react when you reveal you and MM are a couple? I know you said he's dated a few women since your separation, but he reacted very strongly and violently when he saw you with MM. I am concerned for your safety should he react badly when he finds out. Do you share custody of your daughter with him? Since MM is going through with his D, he will probably expect you to go through with yours soon enough. How much longer to you expect your D to take? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Speakingofwhich Posted October 12, 2013 Share Posted October 12, 2013 I can almost feel the presence of vultures circling me here on LS, just waiting to feast off my body if I were to get hit by a bus. I'm gonna try to stay optimistic and hopeful. You have no reason not to be optimistic and hopeful, Lil. And, btw, there are those of us who are happy for you! From all of your posts I have never doubted you would have your man. I would encourage you now to continue to follow your instincts in your R with MM as you have all along. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
goodyblue Posted October 12, 2013 Share Posted October 12, 2013 What does "he has all the paperwork" mean. Either someone HAS filed or NOT. Heck, when I filed, I didn't even see the paperwork. The lawyer signed on my behalf and the marshall served my H. Filing for divorce is not a process. The divorce is a process. I had to sign my divorce papers myself. In fact, throughout the entire process I had to go in and sign every single document that went out. I read through and approved everything. I think maybe what Lil is saying is that, even if the papers have not been properly filed as of yet, he may have copies and know what is happening, or it is entirely possible she had a family member or friend serve him. As long as it wasn't the spouse, it's perfectly legal. Link to post Share on other sites
Goodbye Posted October 12, 2013 Share Posted October 12, 2013 I had to sign my divorce papers myself. In fact, throughout the entire process I had to go in and sign every single document that went out. I read through and approved everything. I think maybe what Lil is saying is that, even if the papers have not been properly filed as of yet, he may have copies and know what is happening, or it is entirely possible she had a family member or friend serve him. As long as it wasn't the spouse, it's perfectly legal. Yes, well you can have a lawyer sign on your behalf...but that isn't the point. So often on this board people refer to "papers" in general terms. Until a divorce is actually filed (or completed for that matter), "it ain't over." This is a man who left Lil' in a precarious spot at one point...so not to get caught by his W. So, on some level he was invested...at least in protecting the façade. Couples have dramatic splits all the time and get back together. As the drama fades, they just decide it is easier, and papers are never "filed." Also, couples threaten each other with divorce all the time...many do not go forward. I'm just saying that in her situation, I'd want to see concrete signs of action before I let my guard down. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author LilGirlandOW Posted October 12, 2013 Author Share Posted October 12, 2013 I'm not going to be a monkey on his back about everything, if they don't file and they decide to stay business as usual, so be it, it will crush me but it's out of my control, and prompting, nagging and urging isn't going to change that. As far as where in the D process they are, I don't know exactly, it's only been a handful of days, but they both independently seem to be severing ties to each other, as a couple anyways. I will be a little at ease when he is finally in his new place, I am so anxious to talk to him about how today went as he had a list of things they were going to deal with. As well as things he was looking in to. D or no D, it's the separation part, and him in his new place I'm more interested in. Anxious about. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author LilGirlandOW Posted October 12, 2013 Author Share Posted October 12, 2013 You don't know anything about my "experiences." Regardless, realism is something I never lost. I don't care about being helpful. I'm simply stating the obvious. MM won't be moving into Lil's house. It is her husband's house. Your right your not helpful and kinda lazy in your vigilantism, as if you read my responses to your posts this is NOT my xH house! MM and I both don't want to move in together, at least not for awhile. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
goodyblue Posted October 12, 2013 Share Posted October 12, 2013 Lil, I've been where you are. Just take it one step, one breath at a time. Try not to panic, and only listen to the good things. I'm not saying to be 'pie in the sky', I just mean that you have enough negativity going on with worry, etc. Just try and focus on the things that are happening in your life that are positive and be a support to your MM. I know everyone on this forum says it will never work, that the odds are a million to one, but there are a few of us on here that it worked out nicely for. I'm very, very happy in my relationship. The divorce was not easy on him. It took a little less than a year, but it was not as horrible as I assumed it would be. If that is how your MM decides to go, I think it's great if you find yourselves in a good place together. Keep your head high and do what you feel is best for you. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author LilGirlandOW Posted October 13, 2013 Author Share Posted October 13, 2013 Thanks goodyblue I really hope it works out, it's been 5 days (I think) and he still feels confident about everything. And ya know if he changes his mind, I'd break up with him, be done, I've been honest with him about that. 5 days and counting. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Got it Posted October 13, 2013 Share Posted October 13, 2013 Lil - this pose the issue of your own situation and marital status. While his divorce doesn't mean you have to divorce, if you want to move to a more intertwined relationship it will be easier if you are both divorced especially if you are going to blend the kids into the relationship. My advice right now, instead of counting days, like with everything, ignore the words, watch the actions. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
seren Posted October 13, 2013 Share Posted October 13, 2013 Asking a general question here, not just abour Lil's situation., does always take take such a short time to have papers drawn up and served.. I ask for someone I am helping on another site and have been told no way can the system work so quickly, especially when there are children. Does it cost more, or is there a particular process. Thanks. I give support on a domestic violence site, hence my interest. Link to post Share on other sites
goodyblue Posted October 13, 2013 Share Posted October 13, 2013 The only thing I know is that she could have had the papers drawn up for a while and then when things blew up, had someone she knows serve him the papers. But it is not usual. Link to post Share on other sites
2sunny Posted October 13, 2013 Share Posted October 13, 2013 I think she had her plan long ago. And my gut says he has more than this one OW. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
2sunny Posted October 13, 2013 Share Posted October 13, 2013 Where I'm located - the D papers take time to gather info - sift through and average monthly expenses - qualify assets - and decide on what to request and what not to request. I went at mine with a vengeance - and it still took me several days to gather and decipher what needed to be listed and what I needed to ask for. Link to post Share on other sites
Goodbye Posted October 13, 2013 Share Posted October 13, 2013 I am curious as well. From my understanding in Canada one has to go through a 1 year separation before a divorce can be granted (and I do recall Lil saying she is Canadian). That is why I assumed she has not gotten the ball rolling with her own divorce. I think at this point they are just talking about serving papers...as in the start of the divorce. Every state is different. In my state (ct), after I served the exH there was a 3 month "cooling off" period where no motions could be filed. After the 3 months, the divorce action can start. In reality, when there are assets to be divided and children involved this can take months even if it is an agreeable situation. The divorce decree is at the very end of the divorce...in most states the earliest that would happen is 6 months after filing. Sorry for the digression...this is a topic I know a little too much about:( Link to post Share on other sites
Author LilGirlandOW Posted October 13, 2013 Author Share Posted October 13, 2013 The papers arnt filed I cleared that up today. The paperwork is rolling, and he has his share of pPers to fill out as does she. He found a new place and moves in very soon, and is excited about it Link to post Share on other sites
AlwaysGrowing Posted October 13, 2013 Share Posted October 13, 2013 (edited) Well, they say Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned. I can only imagine how she's going to bleed this guy dry any way she can once she gets her shark lawyer on retainer. This guy probably won't be able to afford to get arrested when his wife is done picking his bones clean. What a sexist remark. His wife is successful in her own right. What she is entitled to under the law, is hers. Not something that she is "picking his bones clean" to get...ITS HERS. and FTR, for over a year, he has been taking marital finances and spending it on his OW. His wife is owed the return of those assets, as he had no RIGHT to spend HER money on his OW. Edited October 13, 2013 by AlwaysGrowing Link to post Share on other sites
goodyblue Posted October 13, 2013 Share Posted October 13, 2013 I'd be curious to know how often this really happens? What usually happens is that they settle. It doesn't often go to court. I always kind of laugh when a BS (general) says she's going to sue the OW, when that almost never happens. A judge would laugh. Link to post Share on other sites
2sunny Posted October 13, 2013 Share Posted October 13, 2013 The papers arnt filed I cleared that up today. The paperwork is rolling, and he has his share of pPers to fill out as does she. He found a new place and moves in very soon, and is excited about it Where is he living right now? Link to post Share on other sites
threelaurels Posted October 13, 2013 Share Posted October 13, 2013 I agree with the BS having a plan. Dday was back in June. My guess is she's been evidence gathering and that 3am departure was her kicking him out. My initial thought was that the BS knew about the A, had a plan, and was going to to blindsight MM with filing for D on grounds of adultery. However, Lil says the BS's plan for splitting the assets and handling custody of the children was relatively fair. Unless she is trying to lure MM into a false sense of security, I would say that she either doesn't know about the A or doesn't care. The D rate among police officers is something like 70-75%, and there have been some controversial studies that suggest rates of infidelity are higher among police officers. I think it's a real possibility that the BS has an OM of her own and that's why she's pushing so hard for the D. Realistically, investigating things is second nature to her due to her job. However, if she had an OM, she might have been just as disconnected in their marriage as MM was and that's why she either didn't investigate further or did not notice the warning signs. Or she may not have an OM, but, as a good mother, has no desire to keep him from the kids and wants to make the D as painless as possible for the sake of everyone involved. Just because she is strong and independent doesn't mean she is ruthless and only cares about her own interests. 6 Link to post Share on other sites
jlola Posted October 13, 2013 Share Posted October 13, 2013 I agree with the BS having a plan. Dday was back in June. My guess is she's been evidence gathering and that 3am departure was her kicking him out. I also think BS has had a plan for awhile. I think this is not WS's first trip to affairland. She has just had enough. I remember Lil talking about a miscarriage she had. I wonder what she and MM were thinking for her and MM to have a child in the first place. He and she already have children, then to bring another child into this mess? I wonder if BS knows. I have always had a gut feeling when MM was bragging about Lil to friends and taking her around his family as his "girlfriend" he was too bold ,felt entitled. I think this behavior will bite him in the butt. Who does that and then claims he would not want a divorce because it will harm his children? His actions, lack of common sense,entitlement and disrespect is his true character. I cannot imagine having to live with one so disrespectful to my feelings. If this gets ugly it will not be BS's fault. Link to post Share on other sites
The Way I Am Posted October 13, 2013 Share Posted October 13, 2013 Just because she is strong and independent doesn't mean she is ruthless and only cares about her own interests. This sentence. Like x1000. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
2sunny Posted October 13, 2013 Share Posted October 13, 2013 For you - I think your best plan would be to stay as neutral as possible knowing that this will be a roller coaster of emotions that will reveal more as time goes along. Neutral - don't ride those highs and lows with him... Stay busy doing things that interest you. Stay focused on YOUR well being. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
truthbetold Posted October 13, 2013 Share Posted October 13, 2013 Lil, I'm not sure why you think people that think you are going to have an extremely rough road ahead of you are "vultures" and don't wish for you to be happy. I've always posted to anyone that's why I "do" post, I want them to see that they can be happy and "usually" an affair start to a relationship isn't going to be that happy beginning or foundation for obvious reasons. We can only go on what *you* have posted. He's clearly passive aggressive and that kind of guy is extremely difficult to have a relationship with. The way he would take gifts from you and give them to his wife as a big eff you to her. And just the disrespectful way he speaks about her and YOU too, he has spoke of you like he's in a jr. high locker room, it's not cool Lil. His family is dysfunctional to have stabbed his wife in the back. I am concerned for you because you have mentioned you want to be 1/2 of a couple that is in their 90's on that park bench that couple didn't get there on just magically having lovey feelings. You have mentioned his jealous issues with you. That is going to amplify tenfold when he doesn't have his wife as his safety net. He's going to become even more insecure (you have posted of his insecurities) He may even use emotional abuse to wear you down, (passive aggressive types like to do that) he is aware that you were willing to cheat with him, in his mind what's to prevent you from moving on to someone else. Somewhere down the line it will hit you, you weren't chosen in this mess. You were the default. When the dust settles you will see that and unless you squash those emotions, it should rightfully bother you. If it's really true that he doesn't have a clue why his wife has filed and then you don't like to ask him the tough questions, seriously Lil, how on earth do you think you can have a successful relationship if both of you stick your head in the sand and "hope" for the best while not tackling the tough issues? Your comment of "yikes" I think is really at the heart of it. Most of your posts have constantly compared what a witch and ugly creature his wife is compared to you. What's going to happen when you don't have that comparison as a factor for you? You come across that you thrived on the competition factor, when it's just you and him and the newness wears off (as it will) and you have people in your life telling you that you could do so much better (you've said your cousin thinks he's nothing special) I really think the thrill will wear off for you. Then down the road, he's not going to like it when a guy eventually may come into his kids lives as a step father. It should be interesting indeed to see how you two fare as a couple without the big bad wife as an excuse to fuel your relationship, the star crossed lovers and all. No safety net in the wife I think is scary for you, otherwise you wouldn't have made the "yikes" comment. That old couple on the park bench got there by asking the tough questions by weathering the ebb and flow and by putting in the work when the butterflies waned. They keep that connection by knowing and learning love is an action not a feeling but those actions can feed the "in love" feelings. They have learned with time how to perfect their dance together. If you really want to be part of that kind of couple then you really have to learn how to ask the hard questions as does he. Both of you seem to want to coast along on circumstance. If you really want to make it, then both of you will have to figure out why this was an acceptable choice to be deceitful instead of living with integrity and honesty. 9 Link to post Share on other sites
cif Posted October 13, 2013 Share Posted October 13, 2013 Well, they say Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned. I can only imagine how she's going to bleed this guy dry any way she can once she gets her shark lawyer on retainer. This guy probably won't be able to afford to get arrested when his wife is done picking his bones clean. How do you know that? How do you know this woman isn't on the ho' stroll every night? Just because someone is cheated on doesn't make them a martyr! FYI if she was "bleeding him dry" she wouldn't have her family buy him out of the house. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
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