Chico333 Posted October 9, 2013 Posted October 9, 2013 So I just got out of a 4 year relationship with my BF 1 month ago. I am 26 years old. There is no question the relationship is over and we will not be getting back together. The last thing I need right now is another guy to worry about, but I made the mistake of leading this guy on. If I had met him later on he would absolutely be someone I would consider dating. We met one night out with friends and being newly single and a bit intoxicated, I gave him my number and ever since then he has been texting me and we talked on the phone once. I told him straight up that I am not looking for a serious relationship and that I just got out of a long one 1 month ago. He told me understood and that he too just got out of one but that was 6 months ago. Anyways we hung out one night with other friends and we had a really good time. We did not hook up or anything like that, just hung out. But he seems to be coming off really strong now even though I told him I was not looking for a relationship, so I feel like I probably unintentionally led him on because I do like him. It is very bad timing though. Tonight before going to bed I texted him this: So I just want to make sure again I'm not giving you the wrong idea that I'm looking for a relationship because we have been talking a lot. I can't help but feel sensitive right now and should probably spend more time focusing on myself. I still want to be friends and really enjoyed hanging out last weekend. I know he is sleeping and will see what he writes back. He is an extremely nice guy so I know he will be nice about it. I just feel kind of guilty. Do you think that text is sending the right message? Because I'd like to be friends so maybe sometime in the long run who knows what could potentially happen. Just not right now...
farva2 Posted October 9, 2013 Posted October 9, 2013 Sounds like standard friendzone faire, he'll get the hint.
MalachiX Posted October 9, 2013 Posted October 9, 2013 So I just got out of a 4 year relationship with my BF 1 month ago. I am 26 years old. There is no question the relationship is over and we will not be getting back together. The last thing I need right now is another guy to worry about, but I made the mistake of leading this guy on. If I had met him later on he would absolutely be someone I would consider dating. We met one night out with friends and being newly single and a bit intoxicated, I gave him my number and ever since then he has been texting me and we talked on the phone once. I told him straight up that I am not looking for a serious relationship and that I just got out of a long one 1 month ago. He told me understood and that he too just got out of one but that was 6 months ago. Anyways we hung out one night with other friends and we had a really good time. We did not hook up or anything like that, just hung out. But he seems to be coming off really strong now even though I told him I was not looking for a relationship, so I feel like I probably unintentionally led him on because I do like him. It is very bad timing though. Tonight before going to bed I texted him this: So I just want to make sure again I'm not giving you the wrong idea that I'm looking for a relationship because we have been talking a lot. I can't help but feel sensitive right now and should probably spend more time focusing on myself. I still want to be friends and really enjoyed hanging out last weekend. I know he is sleeping and will see what he writes back. He is an extremely nice guy so I know he will be nice about it. I just feel kind of guilty. Do you think that text is sending the right message? Because I'd like to be friends so maybe sometime in the long run who knows what could potentially happen. Just not right now... First off, I think it's great that you're being so reflective and open about this. What surprises me is that, despite what you wrote here, you didn't tell him that. Why didn't you simply text, "Hey. I feel bad because I'm starting to worry that I lead you on and made you think I'm looking for anything more than friendship. I'm really not read for anything so I'm very sorry if I gave you the wrong idea. I really hope we can be friends because I loved hanging out with you." See the difference? This new version admits leading him on and offers some apology. Even if you're not sure if you actually did lead him on (maybe you didn't); what's the harm in offering an apology? So often we try to minimize things when we let people down in order to protect ourselves from any repercussions. I think the best policy however is to be honest, own up to any mistakes you might have made, and simply take any reaction he has. In general, I think it's much harder for someone to get hurt/angry when you're being 100% real and awknowlaging how you may have influenced their feelings. 2
Author Chico333 Posted October 9, 2013 Author Posted October 9, 2013 Aw man, you're right. What you wrote would have been way more straight forward. Dangit. Oh well. I guess I'll see what he says. I was trying to sound nice about it and I guess I was not up front enough.
Author Chico333 Posted October 9, 2013 Author Posted October 9, 2013 So I ended up texting him again and added basically what you said in addition. It sounded long but oh well. At least I got the message across. It seems he really likes me so hopefully he doesn't think I sound like a psycho and if he does then oh well. haha 1
MalachiX Posted October 9, 2013 Posted October 9, 2013 Aw man, you're right. What you wrote would have been way more straight forward. Dangit. Oh well. I guess I'll see what he says. I was trying to sound nice about it and I guess I was not up front enough. No worries. If he messages you back then you can perhaps be a bit more direct. Most secure people can handle being told you don't want to date them. What stinks is when someone minimizes things so as to make someone feel that there was NEVER anything on their side. It can make you feel crazy like you somehow imagined the whole thing. I one had a person go cold on me (which didn't bother me much since there wasn't a great connection) but then tell me that she had never given me any signals that we were exploring being more than friends even though we'd made out after two dates. I didn't mind breaking things off but I really did get my feelings hurt when she claimed that I just mis-interpretted everything. I'm sure you didn't lead this guy on to such an extent but it'll make him feel better for you to come clean and admit some part in this. BTW, it's also OK if you are interested in someone and change your mind. People do this all the time (men and women) yet we are so loathe to admit it to the other person. For some reason the common mentality is that we should just pretend there was never anything there (which I think is far more painful to the other person). I was dating a girl who I clicked a lot with on an intellectual level, thought was attractive, but had no romantic spark with. She had been the one to ask me out but I decided to explore things and we were together for a few months. At some point, I realized I was never going to fall for her and decided I needed to get out before things got more serious. What surprised me that all my friends kept telling me different excuses to tell her. One said, "tell her you loved being friends so much you got that confused for a relationship vibe but there was never really anything. She'll understand that!" Another suggested, "tell her you've been helping her through all this personal stuff (she had a family member die) that' you've started to view her more as a younger sibling and can't go back." What annoyed me is that neither of these things were true. The truth was that, because she had been enthusiastic, I had wanted to see if there might be something there with her. When I discovered there wasn't I realized I needed to end it (though I took longer than I should have). This was harder for me to admit to her but it was the truth and that's what I told her when we broke up. She asked me, "but didn't you feel something for me in the begging?" and I tried to be as honest as possible and said, "I wanted to. I thought I might. But it took me a while to realize that I didn't. I'm really sorry if I ever made you feel 'tricked' or made you think I felt stronger." I'm not going to pretend there were no hurt feelings on her part but I think it sucks less when the other person is willing to take some of the blame. When people give excuse that minimize things, it also serves to minimize the other person's feelings which feels TERRIBLE. Once again, it sounds like you're doing the right thing. If you talk again just go a step farther and actually apologize (even if you don't need to). It never hurts to help someone feel a little better.
MalachiX Posted October 9, 2013 Posted October 9, 2013 So I ended up texting him again and added basically what you said in addition. It sounded long but oh well. At least I got the message across. It seems he really likes me so hopefully he doesn't think I sound like a psycho and if he does then oh well. haha I'd rather have a girl go a little crazy trying to make sure my feelings weren't hurt than one who didn't care. That's the kind of girl I'd want as a friend even if we couldn't date 1
crederer Posted October 9, 2013 Posted October 9, 2013 You friendzoned him. Unless he's a complete oaf, you're not leading him on in the least. 1
devilish innocent Posted October 10, 2013 Posted October 10, 2013 You're worrying too much. You're fine. He just likes you so he was trying to move things further forward. He knew it wasn't a sure thing. Communicating about where things stand with you is always a good thing, though, so saying the extra stuff you did wouldn't have hurt anything either.
tlegend Posted October 10, 2013 Posted October 10, 2013 Honestly, I would really have liked to meet more women like you who can say what they want, honestly and openly, during the dating scene. I think he will get the point, and he may be a little hurt at first, but I'm sure he will value your friendship over not having you around at all. Besides, guys are good at being the go-to guy for one of your drunken and emotional nights, know what I mean? Just saying...
Recommended Posts