kirki Posted October 9, 2013 Posted October 9, 2013 My BF and I have been together for two years. He's 29 and I'm 26. He dated a girl for a couple years when he was 24-26. We're really open with each other, sometimes he's too open. He will tell me pretty much anything I ask about his past. But he kept something really big from me. He got his ex-GF pregnant. And I found out through his mum. I was visiting his parents with him and his mum casually said "Being careful? You don't need to deal with another miscarriage" while they thought I was asleep. I asked him about this later. He got that ex pregnant after they were together for 18 months. She miscarried at like "12ish weeks". He never told me this and to me it's a big deal. He still talks to her from time to time and now I'm jealous. They shared a huge experience together. Apparently she has fertility issues. He said they never used protection and she got pregnant once in 2 years. And she tried to get pregnant with her last BF/fiance but didn't and he broke it up because she couldn't. So I feel so jealous that A) He got her pregnant but also B) He has been the only person to. Now I feel like if we ever get pregnant it won't be as special because he's already been there, even though it ended in miscarriage. I hate that he didn't tell me this. We talk about everything so it's not like him. Especially when we've been together for 2 years and he talks about marriage a lot. I asked why he didn't tell me and he said because it didn't matter. But he told me a ton of other stuff that didn't matter, too. He doesn't think I have a right to be mad, upset or jealous. Do I? How do I get over this?
Bubberfly Posted October 9, 2013 Posted October 9, 2013 My BF and I have been together for two years. He's 29 and I'm 26. He dated a girl for a couple years when he was 24-26. We're really open with each other, sometimes he's too open. He will tell me pretty much anything I ask about his past. But he kept something really big from me. He got his ex-GF pregnant. And I found out through his mum. I was visiting his parents with him and his mum casually said "Being careful? You don't need to deal with another miscarriage" while they thought I was asleep. I asked him about this later. He got that ex pregnant after they were together for 18 months. She miscarried at like "12ish weeks". He never told me this and to me it's a big deal. He still talks to her from time to time and now I'm jealous. They shared a huge experience together. Apparently she has fertility issues. He said they never used protection and she got pregnant once in 2 years. And she tried to get pregnant with her last BF/fiance but didn't and he broke it up because she couldn't. So I feel so jealous that A) He got her pregnant but also B) He has been the only person to. Now I feel like if we ever get pregnant it won't be as special because he's already been there, even though it ended in miscarriage. I hate that he didn't tell me this. We talk about everything so it's not like him. Especially when we've been together for 2 years and he talks about marriage a lot. I asked why he didn't tell me and he said because it didn't matter. But he told me a ton of other stuff that didn't matter, too. He doesn't think I have a right to be mad, upset or jealous. Do I? How do I get over this? Um, a miscarriage isn't a huge experience you should be jealous of. I would think you'd be relieved that the pregnancy didn't go through. Give the poor guy a break. Technically, you don't have a right to be mad about his mistakes and accidents before you were around. That pregnancy has effected you zero. Sometimes people don't share painful memories of the past with their significant others because its too PAINFUL. 2
CrystalCastles Posted October 9, 2013 Posted October 9, 2013 Well perhaps it was very painful for him to talk about it. Did you think about that? I don't see why that's your problem, him getting his ex pregnant. Why should that upset you? You're being unfair. They were in love at the time, so why should they not try for a baby if they wanted one?
Author kirki Posted October 9, 2013 Author Posted October 9, 2013 He said he wasn't upset really when they lost it. So that's not why he didn't tell me. He was a bit but not a lot. It's not some painful experience for him. The pregnancy does effect me because if we get pregnant it won't be new to him or his family with him. And I hate that his ex has only been able to get pregnant with him and he's still really important to her.
pink_sugar Posted October 9, 2013 Posted October 9, 2013 I'd be more shocked about the fact that you've been dating 2 years and something like this never came up....
phineas Posted October 10, 2013 Posted October 10, 2013 He said he wasn't upset really when they lost it. So that's not why he didn't tell me. He was a bit but not a lot. It's not some painful experience for him. The pregnancy does effect me because if we get pregnant it won't be new to him or his family with him. And I hate that his ex has only been able to get pregnant with him and he's still really important to her. Really? Do everyone a favor & break up with him now. Then go get some therapy. Because I predict you will end up making his life a living hell because of this & end up getting dumped and in therapy anyways. You act as if he had a kid and didn't tell you. I don't even.... 3
tlegend Posted October 10, 2013 Posted October 10, 2013 You get over it by accepting them for who they are. In my honest opinion, its none of your business. He didn't have to tell you anything. In fact, he probably knew you would react this way, as you say you have an open and honest relationship, so I'm assuming he knows you well enough to figure out you would react this way. Why wasn't he upset at a miscarriage? Because its a documented fact that men do no bond with their children until they see them, hold them, feel them. It's literally a DOCUMENTED CHEMICAL REACTION that takes place. Women obtain this by carrying them in their womb for 9 months so when the baby comes out, the woman already has a connection. I suggest you have a talk with him, since you guys have an "open and honest relationship" and hash it out with him. If you truly have a great relationship, I do not see this being a problem for very long.
scorpiogirl Posted October 10, 2013 Posted October 10, 2013 You're being unreasonable. How is your knowing about the miscarriage going to make any potential babies you have, more "special" in the eyes of him and his family. It's not something anyone can change. If there had been a baby, you would have cause to feel upset but this is not something you need to "get over". 1
Ruby Slippers Posted October 10, 2013 Posted October 10, 2013 You have a right to feel anything you feel. And you can't tell yourself how to feel. You just do. This isn't a pleasant thing to tell anyone, and it doesn't affect your lives together whatsoever, so I wouldn't fault him for not telling you. It sounds to me like you're threatened by this because you see it as a special experience that he had with someone else, and not you. But if you stay with him and marry him, it's likely you'll have a family together. The way to get over this is to let all your feelings out - but not all over him. Write about it, talk to your friends and family, vent the feelings and worries out. Once that's out of your system, let the bad feelings go, and focus on the open, loving relationship you have with your boyfriend and potential future husband. 1
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