guys ever feel like you`re just a stepping stone till she meets someone else.

[charlietheginger]

Lots of my male friends all feel the same way. Women use us for dates dinner movies

then when she meets someone taller better looking or has more money she

jumps to the next guy....

 

alot of women on profiles say stuff such as must be 6ft or taller

must have blue eyes, must make 6figures all kinds of crazy request.

 

Alot of women will walk into a room lets say 15guys in 3 seconds she knows what

2 3 guys she is interested in and noone else gets a chance.

 

do you guys feel like you to are a stepping stone stepped on

untill she meets someone else..

[kassy]

Simple don't date those girls... There are lots of women out there without those requirements.

 

I don't date guys who seem high maintenance or are looking for someone that is obviously not me.

 

It's not rocket science

[charlietheginger]

How do you avoid them ? Ask them up front do you you get the grass is greener syndrome everytime you meet a new guy ?

[gaius]

You can usually filter out the attention whores if you spend a little time around them before you ask them out. Or at least observing from afar. Asking them about their previous relationships and history can also be a good tell if they're quick movers or not.

 

Either that or you still have confidence issues from being fat.

[kassy]

 

alot of women on profiles say stuff such as must be 6ft or taller

must have blue eyes, must make 6figures all kinds of crazy

 

Ok so if someone has these listed on their online profile then don't go out with them if you don't have what they want (and in my opinion even if you do). So that's cut out a big chunk of your problem right there.

 

When you meet these women, do they really like you? I date guys who like me, I am a person who isn't most people's dating dream, and most people aren't mine either. When I meet someone where we are on the same page it is pretty obvious. These are the people I date.

 

If you can't assess someone's values and the sort of person they are after spending a reasonable amount of time with them, and then pair that to your own outlook on life etc then you need to work on your social skills in general. This is a skill required not only in dating but in socializing, in business and something that you should invest time in learning.

 

Some people are very good at hiding their undesirable true self (or just incompatible is probably a better word). But most people are not master manipulators and it doesn't take long to see cracks in the facade

 

For a non dating example. Say you are starting a manufacturing business and it is a little outside your current skill set. You may be more vulnerable in negotiations with suppliers and distributers etc. your ability to build a relationship with different people and assess if you trust them, their ethics and their ability to deliver what they say when they say may be the difference between you being successful or not. This ability to accurately assess people is not fool proof but most highly successful people are better at it than unsuccessful people. It is something that can be learnt to quite a large degree.

 

I also suggest bars are one option to meet someone but not the only option other than online dating and you will likely have more success with someone you have things in common with

[MrCastle]

Na. They're a placeholder until I convince Mila Kunis and Jessica Alba to enter a three person relationship with me.

[MalachiX]

Of course there are people who might show interest until they find someone "better" but I can't say it really bothers me when it happens. For me to really care about someone, it needs to be a two way thing (that's what love is). Yes I've had someone pull a disappearing act and later realized that there was another guy but these people where never someone who I was really falling for. In all cases, they were women who I wanted to see again because I wanted to have someone to date for a while and we seemed compatible but none of them had any real spark.

 

Sure it sucks to have someone ditch you and be "used as a stepping stone" but being used only really "hurts" when you care about someone and I don't think you CAN care about someone who doesn't really care about you (and "stepping stone" people don't).

[Eternal Sunshine]

Na. They're a placeholder until I convince Mila Kunis and Jessica Alba to enter a three person relationship with me.

 

:mad:

 

See ladies? Men always want to trade up.

 

Let's stone him.

 

[crederer]

I've never felt that way while in the relationship, but did afterwards. It was probably just paranoia but it still feels real.

[carhill]

guys ever feel like you`re just a stepping stone till she meets someone else.

 

Pretty common around here, from experience and watching the trading that occurs. Most marked 'feel', historically, has been a transactional tone to interactions. As others mentioned, some mask better than others. Based on experience, if I get a whiff of transaction and 'letting me love her', it's hole in the water time. Been there, beat the drill rig to death on that dry hole. Good luck.

[RedRobin]

Pretty common around here, from experience and watching the trading that occurs. Most marked 'feel', historically, has been a transactional tone to interactions. As others mentioned, some mask better than others. Based on experience, if I get a whiff of transaction and 'letting me love her', it's hole in the water time. Been there, beat the drill rig to death on that dry hole. Good luck.

 

Could you explain or describe that a little more? The whiff of transaction or 'letting me love her' thing?

 

I mean, there ought to be sharing and back and forth... but not tit for tat. Reciprocation isn't the same as a transaction... or shouldn't be.

 

I say this because my exH, during counseling, admitted that the reason why he couldn't support my educational goals was that it was inconvenient for him. His words. Even though I had supported his. I DID feel it was my turn... especially since it was something I told him was important to me before we married.

Edited October 9, 2013 by RedRobin

[RedRobin]

My opinion is that those who don't believe in the value of commitment, by default, are using others as stepping stones to something 'better'.

 

That is the definition of non-commitment.

[carhill]

Transaction - training similar to how one trains a dog, or, if less transparent, how one negotiates a business deal. Spontaneous generosity of thought, word or deed is rare or non-extant. There is always a goal, an objective. They don't do 'random'. (plagiarized that from a Bourne movie)

 

As my best friend, who has seen a lot of life, once opined, 'it's about self-preservation'. He's far more adept about managing females than I am, since he does it professionally as a business owner. He also understands the transactional nature of our demographic better, so my anecdotes do little more than cause him to chuckle and nod his head. Perhaps this area of relationships is one instance where a less sheltered and more street-savvy and gritty socialization would have paid off, preventing or minimizing the numerous and harsh life lessons which taught the perspective currently enacted.

 

Simply put, IME it's very rare around here for a female to do, say, or provide anything remotely favorable to a man without an objective, generally transactional, no matter how it might appear. Relevant to the topic, those transactions can also have an objective, using interim males as tools to reach a goal, whether that be self-preservation or a furtherance of a particular social, political or financial goal. People, men in this case, are tools, variously purposeful or incidental, as the winds of emotion blow.

 

As such, I cling to exceptions like a life preserver, as they provide healthy examples of mutually beneficial and genuinely loving relationships. This dynamic is also the impetus for and a marked factor I'm observing during relocating. Dealing with users and stone-steppers is a period of my life I wish to leave behind, generally.

[bson1257]

Average looking or below average looking women probably can't get away with being like that, so its probably only a small amount of women that are like that.

[carhill]

I would generally agree, with the exception being demographics where single men substantially outnumber single women. Demand raises the perception of 'average' and/or 'below average'. Also, relevant to that factor, each female encounters and/or is pursued by a larger volume of respective males, so has more iterations of interactions to form behavior and psychological sets from, as well as more experience with 'transacting'. It can be a dynamic rife with the precursors of and enablers to 'taking', with stone-stepping from one man to the next being one result of taking, the goal being to get as much of value as possible with the least substantive investment.

 

IMO, this dynamic is not unique to women but women are the topic of the discussion so I offer the observations and experiences with them during my 54 on this rock, living in one place for the entire time. Here, my personal experience definitely echoes the title of this thread.

[Eternal Sunshine]

I would generally agree, with the exception being demographics where single men substantially outnumber single women. Demand raises the perception of 'average' and/or 'below average'. Also, relevant to that factor, each female encounters and/or is pursued by a larger volume of respective males, so has more iterations of interactions to form behavior and psychological sets from, as well as more experience with 'transacting'. It can be a dynamic rife with the precursors of and enablers to 'taking', with stone-stepping from one man to the next being one result of taking, the goal being to get as much of value as possible with the least substantive investment.

 

IMO, this dynamic is not unique to women but women are the topic of the discussion so I offer the observations and experiences with them during my 54 on this rock, living in one place for the entire time. Here, my personal experience definitely echoes the title of this thread.

 

OK, I REALLY want to move there.

[carhill]

Transaction - training similar to how one trains a dog, or, if less transparent, how one negotiates a business deal.

 

I made an error in explanation - the quoted passage should read "if more transparent", with a business transaction being much more deliberate and transparent than training another's behavior with purported rewards, with affection and sex, or actions/words/perspectives masking those behaviors as 'treats', amongst and among the most obvious of them. Most IME are far less tangible/more nebulous.

 

A canary I've noted, markedly, is in how a person behaves when others aren't looking and/or how they talk about others when out of earshot. These dynamics offer marked clues into their psychology relevant to others being 'stepping stones' to achieving their own personal goals. I've found, if one's eyes are not clouded with attraction, it can be an enlightening and educational experience.

 

OK, I REALLY want to move there.

 

I would predict you would be well on your way to potential mating opportunities well before you passed the TSA checkpoint as you disembarked the aircraft. However, I doubt that you'd wish to live there, based on my experiences in your locales in Australia, culturally and geographically. IME, there is no panacea; there are always tradeoffs. Here, overall, it's the gritty nature of the place which causes there to be more men than women. Sure, there is diversity but, as with where you currently reside, there are governing demographics which delineate the general cultural makeup of a place.

[RedRobin]

Transaction - training similar to how one trains a dog, or, if less transparent, how one negotiates a business deal. Spontaneous generosity of thought, word or deed is rare or non-extant. There is always a goal, an objective. They don't do 'random'. (plagiarized that from a Bourne movie)

 

As my best friend, who has seen a lot of life, once opined, 'it's about self-preservation'. He's far more adept about managing females than I am, since he does it professionally as a business owner. He also understands the transactional nature of our demographic better, so my anecdotes do little more than cause him to chuckle and nod his head. Perhaps this area of relationships is one instance where a less sheltered and more street-savvy and gritty socialization would have paid off, preventing or minimizing the numerous and harsh life lessons which taught the perspective currently enacted.

 

Simply put, IME it's very rare around here for a female to do, say, or provide anything remotely favorable to a man without an objective, generally transactional, no matter how it might appear. Relevant to the topic, those transactions can also have an objective, using interim males as tools to reach a goal, whether that be self-preservation or a furtherance of a particular social, political or financial goal. People, men in this case, are tools, variously purposeful or incidental, as the winds of emotion blow.

 

As such, I cling to exceptions like a life preserver, as they provide healthy examples of mutually beneficial and genuinely loving relationships. This dynamic is also the impetus for and a marked factor I'm observing during relocating. Dealing with users and stone-steppers is a period of my life I wish to leave behind, generally.

 

Thanks for the explanation!

 

Same here. Might I suggest that another demographic factor I observed having been born in CA, there until HS, then moved to a small town in the Deep South, then later relocated to the NE as an adult... my Dad's family is from the Midwest. My mom's is from northern CA and the NW (Oregon WA). In other words, I have roots/experience in just about every corner of the US.

 

Southern CA, in general, is a lot more transactional than any other place I've ever lived. A big focus on getting ahead, making lots of $$, etc. Big cities everywhere probably have a similar dynamic, as might places with a poor economy. Where I currently live, the NE, I'd argue it is similarly transactional, but only in pockets... definitely not as bad as Southern/Central CA

 

When my parents moved us to FL, I was shocked but happily surprised at the spontaneous generosity we were shown. It was something I grew to love and emulated... or tried to.

 

Now I live in the NE, in an area that is not particularly economically flourishing... so back to the transactional approach for those that are single. Or so it seems.

 

So, I'm looking forward to moving someplace with a different, more collaborative and open culture, basically... and demographic.

[RonaldS]

If you don't want to be used as a stepping stone, then you need to do 2 things:

 

1) be really good in bed

 

2) subtly present yourself as a flight risk

 

If you do those 2 things, your problem will then become, 'Now...how do I get rid of this girl?'.

[StanMusial]

You can usually filter out the attention whores if you spend a little time around them before you ask them out. Or at least observing from afar. Asking them about their previous relationships and history can also be a good tell if they're quick movers or not.

 

Either that or you still have confidence issues from being fat.

 

I tend to agree... I always weeded out the flighty and shady girls. Meaning, I never pursued them seriously. It wasn't that hard to tell which was which. OLD is a different monster altogether... you won't be able to tell for a while I guess. That would be the frustrating part.

[soccerrprp]

The only way to avoid being the stepping stone is to bring YOUR A-game. In the end, you don't have ultimate control over whether someone is going to leave you or not, but better believe if you are negligent or half-a$$ed, you'll definitely be a temporary stop.

[truth_seeker]

The only way to avoid being the stepping stone is to bring YOUR A-game. In the end, you don't have ultimate control over whether someone is going to leave you or not, but better believe if you are negligent or half-a$$ed, you'll definitely be a temporary stop.

 

I will add: don't keep a woman waiting, ie, date her for years and avoid putting a ring on her finger.

[soccerrprp]

I will add: don't keep a woman waiting, ie, date her for years and avoid putting a ring on her finger.

 

truth_seeker,

 

You speak the TRUTH! But, it ceases to amaze me just how many women WILL wait for YEARS only to be dismissed in the end...sad..

[truth_seeker]

truth_seeker,

 

You speak the TRUTH! But, it ceases to amaze me just how many women WILL wait for YEARS only to be dismissed in the end...sad..

 

Insecurity, low self-esteem, fear that no one else will want them.

[StanMusial]

truth_seeker,

 

You speak the TRUTH! But, it ceases to amaze me just how many women WILL wait for YEARS only to be dismissed in the end...sad..

 

It's the opposite of what CTG is talking about. In this case, the woman has found the one she wants BUT he won't commit. She doesn't want anyone else. I've seen this play out time and again. Sometimes over a decade or more.