Stealth3 Posted October 9, 2013 Posted October 9, 2013 Most of the time when people get dumped is because there is someone else in the picture. Most of the time, they have their eyes on someone else and are looking at an opportunity to get out of the relationship while leaving hope for them to come back if they need to...... Most breakups, you are given bs reasons, you are asked to be friends...you are asked to give them time In reality, they are just trying to buy time to see if things would work out with this new person they have their eyes on. And in case they don't, they come back to you thinking you naively will think there is no other person involved. Thats why NC sometimes works to get your ex back...they freak out that they truly lost you and will get back to you for that security, not risking going for this new person. As long as you offer them the security by begging for them back, they will take the time to explore this new individual that they want. They will give you breadcrums from time to time to make sure you are always there and available if needed. It's always the same...almost every case. So the more you guys want them back, the more you are trying the make it work...the more time you will give them, time for them to go straight into a new relationship. Those kind of people have no spines, they will never break up and give you the real reason. They will never just leave you without having a foundation for something else which in their mind is better. And they don't have the spine to risk you not being there ever again, so they will be nice and toy with your feelings to make you think there is hope. Once things work out with the other person or you refuse to play their games and there is no hope of getting back with you, they will turn cold and change overnight. The person you knew will turn into a vicious monster full of hatred towards everything you stand for. In some cases they come back not because they want you back but because it either doesnt work with the other person or you didn't give them the satisfaction that you will be there for them in the future. So they will stick with you a little longer while looking for the next best thing and repeat the cycle. This my friends is the meaning of GIGS. You can't reason with it, you can't fight it, you just ignore it and move on. The only way to deal with it. 2
melell Posted October 9, 2013 Posted October 9, 2013 I honestly don't believe that most people leave because they have another person lined up. In a lot of cases (toxic relationships the exception) people seem to have to 'idea' that they can get someone better, or the 'idea' that their life will be better in one way or another if they are without the dumpee. Fantasist type thing. Certainly the case with gigs. So often people leave to go and live it up as a single person. In my experience females (my gender) tend to leave with someone else lined up. People who do not live their lives around romantic relationships will leave for many other reasons, those who do let their lives revolve around relationships will more often have someone else lined up. 3
hotpotato Posted October 9, 2013 Posted October 9, 2013 (edited) I honestly don't believe that most people leave because they have another person lined up. In a lot of cases (toxic relationships the exception) people seem to have to 'idea' that they can get someone better, or the 'idea' that their life will be better in one way or another if they are without the dumpee. Fantasist type thing. Certainly the case with gigs. So often people leave to go and live it up as a single person. In my experience females (my gender) tend to leave with someone else lined up. People who do not live their lives around romantic relationships will leave for many other reasons, those who do let their lives revolve around relationships will more often have someone else lined up. It would be fun to do a study. Every guy who has dumped me has had someone else lined up. The last one was single for years before he met me. Then he dumped me and went straight to another girl. Really, he was dating us at the same time. There was no indication that his life revolved around having relationships.. Truthfully, we live in the digital age. It's so much easier to replace people nowadays. The other person is like a lifeboat. Sometimes they already want out. Having someone lined up just makes it easier. It's hard to go from being in a relationship to suddenly not being in one way. LS breakup forum is proof of that. Just reading the gigs sticky, sometimes they do have someone lined up. I've read a thread or two about dumpers who want to leave the stable partner for someone else. However, most dumpers here who are having doubts and feel bad are the ones who dont have someone lined up. Who wants to feel bad? It's easier to find someone else and start honeymoonin. Edited October 9, 2013 by hotpotato 2
Phoe Posted October 9, 2013 Posted October 9, 2013 2 guys who dumped me had another girl on the sidelines and 1 just flaked out on me. 1
h0000 Posted October 9, 2013 Posted October 9, 2013 ok I dont know why you think almost every case is like that. How can every case be possibly all the same? None of my relationship ended because if that.. People break up can be because one is not happy in the relationship, one's timing isnt right or one have changed,one wants different things etc etc. Some people will prefer to end the relationship and live up their single life. And I would like to maintain a friendship with my previous bfs,if they are able to do that. Simply because one could always use a friend. Doesn't mean i want to go back to them,and either do I want ego boost or whatever from them at all.
Bubberfly Posted October 9, 2013 Posted October 9, 2013 (edited) I truly don't agree with that. With my last break up as an exception, I was the dumper. I had absolutely no man lined up and ready to go. I had no "idea" of a better person to be with. Our relationships weren't working out, we weren't comminicating or getting along, we ended up having nothing in common. I broke it off because it wasn't worth it to me try to work things out. I never tried to be friends is they didn't want it. I required no ego boost by talking to them and keeping communication with them. When I finish things, I thank them for our time together and I leave. Edited October 9, 2013 by Bubberfly
Turnandcough Posted October 9, 2013 Posted October 9, 2013 Actually just found out today that my ex had sex with another dude the day after we talked and she said she wanted to be broken up. Even after she told me she loved me the day before.
hotpotato Posted October 9, 2013 Posted October 9, 2013 Actually just found out today that my ex had sex with another dude the day after we talked and she said she wanted to be broken up. Even after she told me she loved me the day before. Why do they do this? Im disgusted.
Turnandcough Posted October 9, 2013 Posted October 9, 2013 Why do they do this? Im disgusted. As disguised as I was when I heard it, it has actually been the news I needed to hear to forget about her. Immaturity and selfishness.... Not qualities I'm looking for.
im_thedude Posted October 9, 2013 Posted October 9, 2013 I'm one such case. A week after our three-year relationship ended, she was already flirting with a dude online. She booked a flight to meet him soon after. All the details surrounding the demise of the relationship, and how she met this new person, and what she thinks of him - those are all unique, though. As is every one else's situation.
Never Again Posted October 9, 2013 Posted October 9, 2013 Not always the case, at least not right away. My ex didn't have anyone else lined up when I was dropped. She also didn't have an "idea" of a better guy at the moment of the breakup. I'm absolutely certain of this only because we have overlapping social circles, and her reasons and actions were very consistent immediately following the breakup. However, she had a pattern of finding and jumping into new relationships/infatuations/FWB only 2 months after a relationship ends, and that's exactly what she did. I think she fits the profile of a serial monogamist, which is unfortunate.
Coping Vortex Posted October 9, 2013 Posted October 9, 2013 I honestly don't believe that most people leave because they have another person lined up. In a lot of cases (toxic relationships the exception) people seem to have to 'idea' that they can get someone better, or the 'idea' that their life will be better in one way or another if they are without the dumpee. Fantasist type thing. Certainly the case with gigs. So often people leave to go and live it up as a single person. In my experience females (my gender) tend to leave with someone else lined up. People who do not live their lives around romantic relationships will leave for many other reasons, those who do let their lives revolve around relationships will more often have someone else lined up. I think it very very rare when someone leaves you for no one. The only time I heard BU that did not involve another person, it was due to drugs domestic violence etc. Sorry but if you look through the fog you will find another person in the wings in almoist every case. I agree with the OP. 100%
Coping Vortex Posted October 9, 2013 Posted October 9, 2013 Most of the time when people get dumped is because there is someone else in the picture. Most of the time, they have their eyes on someone else and are looking at an opportunity to get out of the relationship while leaving hope for them to come back if they need to...... Most breakups, you are given bs reasons, you are asked to be friends...you are asked to give them time In reality, they are just trying to buy time to see if things would work out with this new person they have their eyes on. And in case they don't, they come back to you thinking you naively will think there is no other person involved. Thats why NC sometimes works to get your ex back...they freak out that they truly lost you and will get back to you for that security, not risking going for this new person. As long as you offer them the security by begging for them back, they will take the time to explore this new individual that they want. They will give you breadcrums from time to time to make sure you are always there and available if needed. It's always the same...almost every case. So the more you guys want them back, the more you are trying the make it work...the more time you will give them, time for them to go straight into a new relationship. Those kind of people have no spines, they will never break up and give you the real reason. They will never just leave you without having a foundation for something else which in their mind is better. And they don't have the spine to risk you not being there ever again, so they will be nice and toy with your feelings to make you think there is hope. Once things work out with the other person or you refuse to play their games and there is no hope of getting back with you, they will turn cold and change overnight. The person you knew will turn into a vicious monster full of hatred towards everything you stand for. In some cases they come back not because they want you back but because it either doesnt work with the other person or you didn't give them the satisfaction that you will be there for them in the future. So they will stick with you a little longer while looking for the next best thing and repeat the cycle. This my friends is the meaning of GIGS. You can't reason with it, you can't fight it, you just ignore it and move on. The only way to deal with it. Wow! All I have to say is you are 1000% right on the money. Its a shame as it is next to impossible to get back to romantic bliss you once shared, due to the points you make in your post. Its sad really, its just frustrating, and I mean that for both parties. The dumper probably struggles as well, they have to wrestle with if they made the right decision etc but they have gone to far down the road with someone new, to get back, as well as already hurt the ex beyond repair.
hotpotato Posted October 9, 2013 Posted October 9, 2013 I think it very very rare when someone leaves you for no one. The only time I heard BU that did not involve another person, it was due to drugs domestic violence etc. Sorry but if you look through the fog you will find another person in the wings in almoist every case. I agree with the OP. 100% Ive heard 10-25% of the time dumpers are NOT going directly to someone else. I cant verify though. Its safe to assume that if someone is giving the the heave ho there is a third party. Think about this though. If your ex does come back, they have not been working on themselves. They are dating the person they left for, partying, drinking, or in some state of hyperarousal. Im reading He's Scared, She's Scared. It sounds a lot like gigs. The person gets cold feet. Commitmentphobes leave when relationships are going well, but things are starting to get real. They grasp for reasons to leave. Anything. They give a lot of mixed messages. Active avoiders will often run right to another person. Theres no point in asking them to explain because most of the time they cant.
Never Again Posted October 9, 2013 Posted October 9, 2013 Ive heard 10-25% of the time dumpers are NOT going directly to someone else. I cant verify though. Its safe to assume that if someone is giving the the heave ho there is a third party. Think about this though. If your ex does come back, they have not been working on themselves. They are dating the person they left for, partying, drinking, or in some state of hyperarousal. Im reading He's Scared, She's Scared. It sounds a lot like gigs. The person gets cold feet. Commitmentphobes leave when relationships are going well, but things are starting to get real. They grasp for reasons to leave. Anything. They give a lot of mixed messages. Active avoiders will often run right to another person. Theres no point in asking them to explain because most of the time they cant. That low of a percentage? I'm actually pretty astounded. I mean, I've been using anecdotal evidence I'll admit, but 75% of the relationships I've seen end have been with no one else in the wings. That doesn't mean that the dumper didn't find someone else SOON, just that they didn't have one waiting on the bench before the actual dumping took place. I've dated a commitmentphobe before - and it wasn't fun. I blamed myself for the longest time when she left. Funny thing was, we never talked commitment of any kind...she wanted to take the next step and live together, and then froze up because, when the excitement started to wear down, my family intimidated her. They got along swimmingly, but I have a fairly large extended family (yay traditional Italian heritage, heh) and she assumed I must want marriage and kids SOON, and took off running. 1
Mariposa10 Posted October 9, 2013 Posted October 9, 2013 I think it's a mistake to see NC as a way to get your ex back. NC is all about trying to gain some control back or in some cases dignity. How can one move on if we keep thinking, "I wonder how much longer I have to go NC before x reaches out again." NC should be really all about the dumpee healing. Not going crazy receiving breadcrumbs every now and then, not guessing what hi/her next move will be.
Author Stealth3 Posted October 9, 2013 Author Posted October 9, 2013 I didn't necessarily meant someone else lined up, but having their eyes on someone else...could be some random person they happen to like and they want the opportunity to pursue that person. It's hard to do with you in the way, so they dump you. This takes time, months in some cases...so sometimes you get the illusion that no other person is involved. Also, this mostly applies to when you get dumped out of the blue....to where all of the sudden they have no interest anymore...
h0000 Posted October 9, 2013 Posted October 9, 2013 you cant all of a sudden have no feelings. they must be feeling less and pess for a while now but you are not aware. now if they meet someone else they like, they may dump you . but if you are both happily in love I don't think they can fall in love with someone else all of a sudden.
melell Posted October 9, 2013 Posted October 9, 2013 As I said, not everyone has lives that revolve around relationships. All of the mature adults I know that have broken up after ltr have not had someone else on the side lines. One exception being a married couple, together 11 years, since they were 15. The husband met someone else and left. I would guess that the % is much higher when it involves the first 'serious' relationship for the dumper. Often the first serious relationship ends with gigs- other people etc. Sure people might look for someone else really soon (even before the bu), out of insecurities or whatever. But this is a result of the breakup/impeding breakup. It isn't the cause. I truly believe that for the most part the relationship was already over (in the dumpers eyes) before they were looking for someone else. And at best, the person they seek out is only to validate their decision, or to ease insecurities, not 'love'. Some of the time the dumper might have fallen in love with someone and then left, but I think this is far from all of the time. My theory- it is pointless thinking about this. It is not something to take personally, it is something people do to make themselves feel better. I would be far more hurt that the dumper gave up on the relationship than them going to be with someone else. The 'someone else' is just one of those small ****ty factors that happen sometimes with breakups.
travelonic Posted October 10, 2013 Posted October 10, 2013 Sure people might look for someone else really soon (even before the bu), out of insecurities or whatever. But this is a result of the breakup/impeding breakup. It isn't the cause. . I think there are cases where this is true, w/o a doubt, but I wouldn't put it past being a possibility.
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