Long Distance (NYC/London) Advice Needed--Sink or Swim????

[BM30153]

Would appreciate advice form some of you wise souls out there regarding LDR.

 

I just came back from a weekend in London with this British guy I have been (sort of) seeing. He and I met back in early September. Our "relationship" is beginning to evolve and is growing more intense each time we see each other. I met him in September when he was on a holiday here and we saw each other every day for 6 days. He and I continued our conversation via email and phones almost every day and then in October, I gave him my airmiles for him to come out and see me for a weekend. I was just there for a Thanksgiving weekend and we both had an amazingly wonderful time together. But each time we see each, things grew even more intense to the point of where the discussion about the future of our relationship became inevitable. The thing is I think he wants to be in a relationship with me. While I want the same, I am older than him (7 years older) and I just can't agree to be in an exclusive relationship while I'm here and he's there or until I know that there is an end date in sight, i.e. that we will be in the same city.

 

At any rate, we both agreed (rather I insisted) that we have an "open" relationship and not close doors of opportunity. That sounded great on paper, but we both know that if one of us should stray, then this could very well be the end. I had kissed someone once and told him. Of course, he wasn't happy about it, but he wasn't technically my "boyfriend," so he couldn't say anything else. He had expressed a desire for us to be a "proper couple," but I just can't. At any rate, he is coming out to NYC for New Year's and will be staying with me for about 1.5 week. I tentatively planned on going out there in February, ostensibly for Valentine's Day. So, there is a future plan of seeing each other again. But I can't see us doing this forever....at some point, something has got to give.

 

Anyway, that's where we are now and I'm more confused than ever. On one hand, he and I have a great time together and the chemistry is amazing. On the other, he is younger than me, and I am more established in my career and am ready to settle down. He is just embarking on his career.....it's all very complicated.

 

Last time we spoke, we talked about several options. He is interested in coming over the US to work and found a year-long internship program here, in which he can get a J1 visa to work. Although the program won't start until September, assuming he even gets accepted, it is the best option. But I also proposed another option (should he not get accepted to the internship program), which is a little more drastic. I told him that if he were seriously interested in getting a job here, then he should come out here on his Tourist visa and stay with me for 3 months, using that time to look for a full-time job. If things work out with work for him, but not for us, then he can move out once he is settled in his new job. Or if things did not work out with work for him, but it did for us, then he goes back to London and then we can both explore the possibility of my relocating there as well....but I would only do this if I knew that things between us would work out in the long-term. It's a risky move on both of our parts and I'm not sure I'm ready for that. I live in a small apt. and like having my own space, so to have another person there could potentially get on my nerve. The benefit of this option is that it will allow both of us to figure out (in a defined amount of time) if we will work out....and eliminate any uncertainties.

 

The problem now is that I haven't heard from him in the last 24 hours since we had this conversation. I've called him last night, but have not heard back. I'm getting a little paranoid that I think he may have discovered that the challenges of the distance and age thing may be a bit much. There is a part of me that is looking for the "Exit" to just cut my losses and move on b/c the probability of this ever working out is almost nil. What are your thoughts? Advice? Should I cut bait and move on or (in his own words) just "dive into the deep end" and find out if we will sink or swim?

[EC]

Hey I am in an LDR right now.

 

Its hard and at first we were like you. Even though we are younger and our problems are smaller it's still the same.

 

He had just signed a lease for an apartment 6 hours away from me and was going to college there when we met.

 

At first it was iffy we didn't know what to do. I would visit him, he would come down and visit me. Then he came down for 3 months exactly and we spent everyday together and realized that we had found something we did not want to lose and now we still keep in contact through e-mail and phone and he is going to transfer colleges as soon as his lease is up.

 

I think you cannot be afraid and yes your situation sounds very complicated, but I think your second option would be best, if he does not get accepted. He could come live here and work and if you guys dont work out then he can move out.

I know 3 months doesn't seem that long but if he is living with you I think you would know in 3 months if you have something there or not.

 

I don't think you scared him I think he is probably just weighing out all of his options before calling you again. So that he could have somewhat of an answer for you guys u know?

 

If its too much for him to handle and he's not willing to dive into the deep end as he put it then better you find out now than later.

[BM30153]

Thanks, EC.

 

I'm tempted to give this a go too, but I've been burned before and it's no fun trying to get over someone. At the same time, it's exhilarating when you finally meet someone whith whom you totally connect with on multitudes of level.

 

When I told him about the 2nd option, his initial instinct (as was mine) was "I'm not sure I can do that. Go over there with no jobs and be completely reliant on you. My parents and friends would think I were crazy." Not the most enthusiastic of response. Which leads me to believe that he may be more into the potentiality than the actuality of the relationship.

 

And his not calling...it is very unlike him. I'm used to having him call me multiple times a day almost every day for the last 3 months and he usually returns my calls within a few hours....but we are approaching 36 hours now and still nothing! Do I have the right to be a little paranoid?????

[EC]

Which leads me to believe that he may be more into the potentiality than the actuality of the relationship.

 

I completely understand. Same thing here once we started discussing switching school and moving out and all of that it get s kind of scary and there's a lot of pressure. A lot of what if's and its hard because you are basing everything on what if's. But it go tto the point that his feelings for me overcame any fear, anything his parents said, and all we knew was that we wanted to be together no matter what.

That when you know whether to sacrifice and if your sacrifices will be worth it.

 

I do believe you have the right to be a little paranoid. But relax and let him contact you. Don't call him yet.

 

I say you give it a little more time before you get all specific and into details. He's coming for new years, and thats right around the corner, and then your trying to go for Valentines day..so see how that goes and then talk about it.

 

Thats the thing about LDR's or at least what I have faced. You want to be with this person but things become so serious so much faster because you have to absolutely know you want to be with this person to be able to deal with the distance and make changes in your life to be together. Its so hard.

 

About having an open relationship my bf and I discussed the same thing. At first we thought it was the way to go but we both knew if either of us were to stry it would be the end, so we decide to stay proper couples.

 

Not now but before there were times in which I wanted to run away and just say forget it. I'm fooling myself this won't work. But I wouldn't and he kept me there and now weve come a long way. You can't be scared. But again I say wait for his call..and wait for those couple of visits before you discuss things in a more serious manner.

[moimeme]

When I told him about the 2nd option, his initial instinct (as was mine) was "I'm not sure I can do that. Go over there with no jobs and be completely reliant on you. My parents and friends would think I were crazy." Not the most enthusiastic of response. Which leads me to believe that he may be more into the potentiality than the actuality of the relationship.

 

I think he's being wise. It's one thing to be dating and living separately, and quite another to be joined at the hip and living together. He could be fearful that you're a bunny-boiler. And he may not be calling because he's trying to figure out how to refuse the plan and not send the signal you've already decided you got.

 

If you had written that you were going to go across the ocean to live with a man you had met only a few times, I'd tell you to not be crazy. You know you and you know you're not a loon, but he hasn't spent enough time with you to know that. Drop the pressure on him and concentrate on helping him get the internship. And don't try to guilt him into it with phrases like the one you used above. Again, if some guy had used that to persuade you to go live with him, I'd say 'run far and run fast.'