AriesGirl803 Posted October 9, 2013 Posted October 9, 2013 I would also like to add that I didn't just impulsively "go off" or say anything hateful or nasty. I chose my words carefully and mainly focused on MY FEELINGS that were consequential to his actions, not his actions alone. I also did tell him that I wanted to voice these feelings and gave him the option to cut me off right then/there but he said if he felt I needed to get things off my chest then I should share. So that's what I did. No animosity involved on either side, though I still haven't heard back from him.
Author lauri Posted October 10, 2013 Author Posted October 10, 2013 I'm not going to contact her to say anything, although part of me was dying to. I'm just in this place where I'm dreading going through the whole process again...I legit thought this girl was the one by all of her actions. I just don't get it - for example while I was abroad she would come to hang out with my parents. Things to that level which don't make sense...why do all of that if you don't want to be with me?
h0000 Posted October 10, 2013 Posted October 10, 2013 she wantED to be with you. doesnt mean she forever wants to be with you. 1
Never Again Posted October 10, 2013 Posted October 10, 2013 I'm not going to contact her to say anything, although part of me was dying to. I'm just in this place where I'm dreading going through the whole process again...I legit thought this girl was the one by all of her actions. I just don't get it - for example while I was abroad she would come to hang out with my parents. Things to that level which don't make sense...why do all of that if you don't want to be with me? Trust me, man. I know where you're coming from. My ex...2.5 months before the breakup she was talking about how she couldn't wait to live with me. 2 months before the breakup she was making plans with me for the summer. 1.5 months before the breakup she was out of the country, but made excuses to find internet access to message me her love, flirt with me and send me sexy pictures. 1 month before the breakup she was still seducing me and inviting me on a cross-country trip. She loved my family and agreed to any opportunity to see them. All it took was 3-4 weeks (2 of which she was away on a business trip) of us both being stressed out from outside factors, and BAM, this girl who saw a future with me just switched off. She claimed to still love me "SO much", but didn't feel it "in her heart". I couldn't understand how it just vanished in a month. It confused me and tore me apart. It seemed to do the same for her...it genuinely seemed like she wanted to be with me, but felt like the right feelings just weren't there...and she wasn't willing to give it any time. she wantED to be with you. doesnt mean she forever wants to be with you. At some point, if the relationship is even halfway decent, everyone considers what it'd be like to be with their partner forever. After all, if you don't see a future, why would you stick with it? 3
Author lauri Posted October 10, 2013 Author Posted October 10, 2013 Trust me, man. I know where you're coming from. My ex...2.5 months before the breakup she was talking about how she couldn't wait to live with me. 2 months before the breakup she was making plans with me for the summer. 1.5 months before the breakup she was out of the country, but made excuses to find internet access to message me her love, flirt with me and send me sexy pictures. 1 month before the breakup she was still seducing me and inviting me on a cross-country trip. She loved my family and agreed to any opportunity to see them. All it took was 3-4 weeks (2 of which she was away on a business trip) of us both being stressed out from outside factors, and BAM, this girl who saw a future with me just switched off. She claimed to still love me "SO much", but didn't feel it "in her heart". I couldn't understand how it just vanished in a month. It confused me and tore me apart. It seemed to do the same for her...it genuinely seemed like she wanted to be with me, but felt like the right feelings just weren't there...and she wasn't willing to give it any time. At some point, if the relationship is even halfway decent, everyone considers what it'd be like to be with their partner forever. After all, if you don't see a future, why would you stick with it? Sounds exactly like my situation. Worst is even AFTER she broke up with me she was sending me a photo of herself and saying that she misses me. Seriously, it wasn't fair at all and confused me. She did consider being with me long term hence why she introduced me to her parents and told her parents she wanted to marry me. It just got out of hand and its still pretty depressing on how things ended. In the end, its probably for the best for me and her. I still wish I didn't have to do this whole NC thing but its for my own benefit long term...doesn't mean I'm not sad it got to this point. No point of wishing and thinking about everything that happened bc it should all be out the window...but it always creeps back into my mind somehow. 1
movingonnow1 Posted October 10, 2013 Posted October 10, 2013 This thread is exactly what I needed. Reading everyone's opinions and thoughts make me feel MUCH MUCH MUCH better about cutting the cord. If your ex did some pretty bad things to you, you would only be doing them a FAVOR by contacting them to show you still care and think about them. DON'T. We should all have enough self respect for ourselves to know to not get sucked in and break NC for someone who left us and hurt us. This is the only way we can move forward and not keep coming back to that dark point we were at when we got left. 2
Mz_sassy_77 Posted October 11, 2013 Posted October 11, 2013 i think having incomplete closure is closure in itself....that if you couldnt tell them everything you werent meant to that some part of you held back because you werent comfortable with what they had to say and not at all comfortable with them you knew it was wrong the way they were thinking or what they did....but it comes to a point when you realize nothing you say will make a difference to that view they hold or what they have done, you cannot make them see the light...only they can do that......maybe with gods help hitting their heart saying hey bud...guess what ...you werent right in doing or saying that...fix it....... you cant change anothers view that doesnt want to eb changed....so i let it go ....my incomplete closure is closure to me....the person who needs closure isnt then....me....if they figure it out maybe then, it is them who needs closure...and i would accept talking to them again either to close or try and work on what went wrong which i would accept my part in that problem......it is normally the dumper i feel who needs more closure than the dumpee even though dumpees are always trying to rationalize what went wrong...guilt is a horrible thing..that si why often it is the case if no contact is used by a dumpee who contacts then...either way a dumpee should stick to no contact until ......the other person decides they need closure.....and then it is often the dumpee who feels they dont need to work on it....forgive and its done ....complete closure achieved......deb My incomplete closure is closure. Oh that is soooo true. Our BU was very fast when he finally did it. He wanted to talk about it more and I said no. I knew at that point that the reasons why didnt matter, nothing I could of said would of changed his mind. So i just accepted it. I also totally agree the dumper ends up being the one who needs closure. I think they need to feel like they really arent a bad person and try to get their ex to be ok with it. Doesnt work that way. Best to just accept it and go NC. Move on 3
Author lauri Posted October 11, 2013 Author Posted October 11, 2013 I think sometimes silence sends a significantly stronger message in the long run. All I know is I feel my ex has moved on long ago, she doesn't deserve any satisfaction from this break up bc if she even cared for me or had respect for me this whole situation would have never been so out of hand. In the end I think for everyone's best interest, from my understanding of everyone's experience, doing nothing is doing a lot more then doing something. I don't see my ex contacting me again, she has tried so many times that it is done. I think for me I'm dreading the whole process of meeting and dating another girl. Clearly my ex isn't good enough for me and she is way too immature to handle things like an adult. Does anyone else feel that way about starting over? 1
todreaminblue Posted October 11, 2013 Posted October 11, 2013 I think sometimes silence sends a significantly stronger message in the long run. All I know is I feel my ex has moved on long ago, she doesn't deserve any satisfaction from this break up bc if she even cared for me or had respect for me this whole situation would have never been so out of hand. In the end I think for everyone's best interest, from my understanding of everyone's experience, doing nothing is doing a lot more then doing something. I don't see my ex contacting me again, she has tried so many times that it is done. I think for me I'm dreading the whole process of meeting and dating another girl. Clearly my ex isn't good enough for me and she is way too immature to handle things like an adult. Does anyone else feel that way about starting over? no not really...my ex was unique as were the dates i have had and the relationship prior to my ex all different.......so i can only assume when i do eventually meet someone, the getting to know you process will be different too....everyone is unique every relationship is unique if you start to fear that its going to be bad before it starts you arent giving that person or the possible relationship a chance to bloom....chances need to be had .......i know that if i do date that person has something special.....and i go from there...fear is normal ....it means you care what the outcome is.....but if it doesnt work out....what is the worse thing that can happen it doesnt work out....you have proven before maybe more than once that a relationship ending doesnt kill you.......so you can have fear and know what ever happens you will get through it good or bad..preferrably a good outcome...smilin...good luck ...you will make it...deb 1
movingonnow1 Posted October 11, 2013 Posted October 11, 2013 no not really...my ex was unique as were the dates i have had and the relationship prior to my ex all different.......so i can only assume when i do eventually meet someone, the getting to know you process will be different too....everyone is unique every relationship is unique if you start to fear that its going to be bad before it starts you arent giving that person or the possible relationship a chance to bloom....chances need to be had .......i know that if i do date that person has something special.....and i go from there...fear is normal ....it means you care what the outcome is.....but if it doesnt work out....what is the worse thing that can happen it doesnt work out....you have proven before maybe more than once that a relationship ending doesnt kill you.......so you can have fear and know what ever happens you will get through it good or bad..preferrably a good outcome...smilin...good luck ...you will make it...deb I think this is important. Do not worry about getting into another relationship just yet...you first need to get over your ex and then you'll find a girl so amazing you will love every second with her. Focus on yourself and don't think about contacting your ex to say those extra things. There is nothing you can do or say that will change what has happened between you two - it is honestly her loss. YOU know you're a good guy. YOU know she messed up. SHE knows it too but just wont' admit it. Can't be around people who bring you down...I think opening that channel with an ex will only bring more misery and pain then any benefit. NOTHING WILL CHANGE ANYTHING. Only thing that can change is your feeling and you gotta maintain NC to avoid going back to square one.
Author lauri Posted October 12, 2013 Author Posted October 12, 2013 Its a sad realization knowing nothing you do or say can change the outcome of what has happened. Its been nc for almost 2 months...which is the point of no return. I'm proud of myself but I also know we are never getting back together...I waited an entire year just to be heart broken.
BC1980 Posted October 12, 2013 Posted October 12, 2013 There are always things left unsaid. The problem is that most of the time, the dumper would not be receptive to what you said anyway. Sometimes, I wish I could tell my ex what I think it emotionally wrong with him, but who does that really benefit? I doubt he would listen and then think, "wow, she is right. I am so messed up, and I ruined our relationship." If you want to talk to the ex again, it just shows you still have an emotional investment. Some dumpees want to reach out and say hateful things. Some want to tell the dumper how much they still love them and want them back. I think trying to get the elusive closure is all about power. When you are dumped, you loose all power, so you try to create closure in an attempt to regain the power. It makes you feel like you are actively doing something to turn the tables because you want so desperately to move forward. No one wants to be caught up in the past, so we think that if we write one more letter, say one more thing, all of a sudden, we can move on. It just doesn't work that way unfortunately. It just goes away over time. Before anyone breaks NC, I would say to think rationally about the possible outcomes and if you can deal with it. Will it change your life for the better? The answer is almost always no. 1
movingonnow1 Posted October 12, 2013 Posted October 12, 2013 It is about power...I think you have a lot more power remaining NC then you do expressing your feelings. Keep it up Lauri and don't speak your heart to her...it won't do you any good or benefit.
seahawker64 Posted October 13, 2013 Posted October 13, 2013 I feel like I said everything to her that I could. I probably said more than I should of in reality. She made her choice and nothing I said was or is going to change that. It was my job to accept it and take care of me. If she ever contacts me again she will met with dead air. She will never hear my voice again or see the writing from a return text. There is just nothing left to say. That being said, I have a date tonite and I need to scoot my ass out the door. 1
Fufu Posted October 13, 2013 Posted October 13, 2013 During the grieving stage, I had so much in my mind that I wanted to say and I swore I wrote tons of self-victimized, hating sentences phrases on the papers. (oh well, thank goodness I never sent any of those) After recovered, do i still have anything to say? Absolutely nothing at all. 2
Author lauri Posted October 13, 2013 Author Posted October 13, 2013 Today I'm sitting around thinking...why would she waste my time like she did while I was abroad? I seriously do not understand why she would do that to me. I know these answers will never be given if i asked and said what i wanted to say....but in the end she clearly isn't right for me if she played games and led me on like she did. I guess i feel if i never webt to work abroad i would have never lost her..Don't get it why she would play it off like she wanted to be with me forever...
movingonnow1 Posted October 14, 2013 Posted October 14, 2013 Today I'm sitting around thinking...why would she waste my time like she did while I was abroad? I seriously do not understand why she would do that to me. I know these answers will never be given if i asked and said what i wanted to say....but in the end she clearly isn't right for me if she played games and led me on like she did. I guess i feel if i never webt to work abroad i would have never lost her..Don't get it why she would play it off like she wanted to be with me forever... DUDE stop! You will kill yourself thinking like this. Who cares why she did this or that? I know its tough...really difficult. But jut remember, you learned some important lessons about your ex and she CLEARLY isn't worth your time. Its the feeling of rejection that you have and you have to live with on a daily basis. With time, it'll go away and you'll move forward to a much happier place. Write down those things you want to say and keep it to yourself, it may help you feel better. Or talk to yourself in the mirror, or do anything BUT saying what you want to be said to her. With time things will get much better .
Author lauri Posted October 14, 2013 Author Posted October 14, 2013 I talked with my mom about it a while ago and she told me that I should have met with her one last time to talk, but she said its too late now and by me going straight NC I can't go back to do it now. The only closure I will get is from myself and I have to stop caring "why"... its not my fault and I gotta keep moving forward.
Haydn Posted October 14, 2013 Posted October 14, 2013 I wish you could had sat down and just told me face to face. But the words would be lost now, like you. `I was happy in the haze of a drunken hour but heaven knows im miserable now..`
sambo77 Posted October 14, 2013 Posted October 14, 2013 I still have a lot to say. Won't say it all to her but I will say it here. (1) Why the heck couldn't you just have communicated how you felt? Why the silent withdrawal and passive aggression? That hurt me so much! (2) I love you! (3) I don't understand why you couldn't just tell me how you were feeling? (4) I miss you so so much baby. (5) It hurt more than you'll ever know to find out you were chatting to other guys before we'd even finished? Why did you do that? Did I mean nothing? (6) I would give everything I own to hold you tight again. (7) It seems like you just wouldn't care if I was ejected into space on a one way voyage...I'm suddenly nothing to you...a few weeks ago you loved me? I'm struggling so hard it come to terms with that. (8) I love you...and do you think we could fix things? I would give anything for another try...we can make it work. (9) If you're already f&ckin£king some other dude I will vomit repeatedly for 30 days...and the pain will escalate. I'll realise I was no more than a Prada handbag to you though. (10) I don't believe you don't have feelings left for me. (11) You said you loved me, wanted my kids, and wanted us to marry on a beach in Turkey?! How can that change overnight? (12) Did I do something wrong? (13) Did you friends or family start mouthing off about me? (14) I miss you so much...I love you. So ?I got cr£p loads to say...you can see why I probably won't risk saying it though
geegee81 Posted October 14, 2013 Posted October 14, 2013 No, i told my ex everything that i wanted to say. I remained calm because I knew that i would never communicate with him again and i needed to get it all out without him hanging up on me. He never listen to me before, but he listened this time! When i was finished i told him to never contact or speak to me again. I told him that we will never be friends, and that's the truth. I vented for 30 minutes before i said goodbye. Ive known him many years, but will never speak to him again.
Author lauri Posted October 15, 2013 Author Posted October 15, 2013 No, i told my ex everything that i wanted to say. I remained calm because I knew that i would never communicate with him again and i needed to get it all out without him hanging up on me. He never listen to me before, but he listened this time! When i was finished i told him to never contact or speak to me again. I told him that we will never be friends, and that's the truth. I vented for 30 minutes before i said goodbye. Ive known him many years, but will never speak to him again. I've known my ex for over 4 years. I was friends with her for 3 and dated her for 1...was really hard to cut her off. Was used to talking to her everyday for 4 years straight. Its difficult to do what I did, but it was for the best.
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