Do you feel like you have things you still need to say?

[lauri]

I really wish I was not writing this thread.

 

Things have been looking up for me in general, I bought a car, I started a new job and I haven't talked to my ex since the end of August.

 

Today at my new job I started to have this feeling of sadness and anger. I cut out my ex so quickly and I never really got to tell her everything, especially the fact that I didn't deserve anything she did to me. I almost feel like I didn't get my proper closure, but then again either did she.

 

What I wanted to ask the LC community is - do you feel like you still have something to say to your ex? When I think logically (when I'm not going through these emotions) saying something wouldn't do me any good. But sometimes I have my days, like I am right now...

 

Appreciate any feedback on your experiences and what was the outcome if you did / how do you cope with not having that "proper closure".

Edited October 9, 2013 by lauri

[melell]

There are plenty of things I want to say, especially in retrospect.

 

But to be honest, I don't think such closure exists like that. I almost doubt the whole concept. I think that if anything closure comes from us, not from any specific conversation, or things said to the ex.

 

My reasoning is, a month ago I could have had a conversation with my ex that was 'closure', but it is only closure for how I would be feeling at that time. Closure right after the breakup would be a different conversation than the one I would have now, and again a year from now.

 

I don't feel like I will ever get closure until I accept things for myself.

[h0000]

no.i dont really have anything to say. what do you want to say? that you will regret it? that I dont deserve to br treated like this? that you should go to hell? or I wish you happy I love you forever? unless you want them to change their minds because of your words otherwise all of these are just less than useless. less than pointless. I cant be bothered saying anything to them.

I don't see how thats gona give you closure?

[flitzanu]

there's always plenty of things to say.

 

and then one day, you give up on NC and contact them and say those things.

 

then you feel better for about 5 minutes.

 

then...5 minutes later, you realize there's ONE MORE THING you forgot to say.

 

so then you stew for a while and consider saying it...and finally you do.

 

and then what? you feel better for 5 minutes.

 

and lo and behold...5 minutes later you forgot that ONE MORE LAST THING to say.

 

 

lemme tell you...there's nothing you need to say to your ex that even matters.

[melell]

^^^^^ This is exactly what I was trying to say- didn't know how to word it. This has been 100% my experience with getting 'closure'.

[h0000]

no matter what you says it's gonaa make you look weak. if they are ever gonna be crazy it will be because you don't care.

so fake it till you make it. dont say anything just act like you don't care.

[reddragon588]

No.

 

About six weeks after we broke up, I told her everything on my mind and in my heart. That I still loved her, that I missed her and that I still wanted to find a way to make it work. I told what had hurt me, what I missed and what I thought about our potential future.

 

She said she didn't love me anymore and a bunch of other stuff that basically meant we weren't getting back together. So I told her we couldn't be friends or be in contact anymore for my sanity. I told her it wasn't a bad thing or that we were fighting or there was any negative things associated with it, but that we just couldn't do it.

 

Is there more than I want to say? Sure, I could say more. I think of things I want to say every day. But there's nothing I need to say. I gave her my full truths. There is nothing new I could say to her.

 

I recognize the value of NC and I've been NC pretty much since this happened. But I also think in some cases telling the full truth is necessary as well. It has to be done naturally though. You can't just drop it on them. I told her this when she invited me to go to a concert with her. I didn't just randomly hit her up and drop it on her.

[todreaminblue]

I really wish I was not writing this thread.

 

Things have been looking up for me in general, I bought a car, I started a new job and I haven't talked to my ex since the end of August.

 

Today at my new job I started to have this feeling of sadness and anger. I cut out my ex so quickly and I never really got to tell her everything, especially the fact that I didn't deserve anything she did to me. I almost feel like I didn't get my proper closure, but then again either did she.

 

What I wanted to ask the LC community is - do you feel like you still have something to say to your ex? When I think logically (when I'm not going through these emotions) saying something wouldn't do me any good. But sometimes I have my days, like I am right now...

 

Appreciate any feedback on your experiences and what was the outcome if you did / how do you cope with not having that "proper closure".

 

 

i think having incomplete closure is closure in itself....that if you couldnt tell them everything you werent meant to that some part of you held back because you werent comfortable with what they had to say and not at all comfortable with them

 

 

 

you knew it was wrong the way they were thinking or what they did....but it comes to a point when you realize nothing you say will make a difference to that view they hold or what they have done, you cannot make them see the light...only they can do that......maybe with gods help hitting their heart saying hey bud...guess what ...you werent right in doing or saying that...fix it.......

 

you cant change anothers view that doesnt want to eb changed....so i let it go ....my incomplete closure is closure to me....the person who needs closure isnt then....me....if they figure it out maybe then, it is them who needs closure...and i would accept talking to them again either to close or try and work on what went wrong which i would accept my part in that problem......it is normally the dumper i feel who needs more closure than the dumpee even though dumpees are always trying to rationalize what went wrong...guilt is a horrible thing..that si why often it is the case if no contact is used by a dumpee who contacts then...either way a dumpee should stick to no contact until ......the other person decides they need closure.....and then it is often the dumpee who feels they dont need to work on it....forgive and its done ....complete closure achieved......deb

[lauri]

You guys all make really good points. I just even sometimes talk to myself saying the things I would say instead of actually reaching out to her. I value nc so much and I appreciate the support I have got on LC.

 

I think bc I am so used to talking to her on my breaks that I'm having a hard time even while I started a new job. I don't wanna give her the satisfaction of knowing how much this is bothering me...I really don't but sometimes I wish I could say these things I have trapped inside. I wouldn't beg or even say I love her, I'd more do it to make her realize how she handled this was completely wrong and uncalled for. I don't like the feeling of her just not realizing how wrong she was.

[h0000]

hmm very likely she wont think she is wrong just because you tell her that or she won't give a damn if its wrong or not. I just felt plain annoyed when the dumpee tried to contact me.

at least that was how I felt when I was the dumper.

[Salvatore85]

Sure I do but why would I give her the satisfaction of knowing I think about her still?

[todreaminblue]

You guys all make really good points. I just even sometimes talk to myself saying the things I would say instead of actually reaching out to her. I value nc so much and I appreciate the support I have got on LC.

 

I think bc I am so used to talking to her on my breaks that I'm having a hard time even while I started a new job. I don't wanna give her the satisfaction of knowing how much this is bothering me...I really don't but sometimes I wish I could say these things I have trapped inside. I wouldn't beg or even say I love her, I'd more do it to make her realize how she handled this was completely wrong and uncalled for. I don't like the feeling of her just not realizing how wrong she was.

 

this quote below is perfect for you.it is extremely hard to let go of, if you feel they have done the wrong thing.....it would be the right thing for them to realize that wrong without you telling them they are wrong..... and when that happens it would be the right time for them to contact you not the other way around with you contacting them although it is the hardest thing to do is not to contact someone when you really want them to know for one that they werent right....and two that they really affected you by saying or doing what they did...with thoughtlessness on their behalf or total disregard for you as a person.....chin up ..............hugs....deb

 

Remember not only to say the right thing in the right place, but far more difficult still, to leave unsaid the wrong thing at the tempting moment. – Benjamin Franklin

 

[Beautiful diamond]

I was dumped by text, and he ignored my calls so that was my closure. Since then we never spoke....I blocked him idk if he tried to contact me. Closure is just an excuse to not move on IMO. What will telling them off prove?

 

That your still not over them....

 

Get closure by venting to us, writing, PRAYING.

 

Now that's doing something worthwhile

[reddragon588]

You guys all make really good points. I just even sometimes talk to myself saying the things I would say instead of actually reaching out to her.

 

I do this too! It's always been a weakness of mine. I remember back in high school, I played over in my head again and again how I was going to ask this girl to the freshman homecoming dance. The issue is, when you do that in your own head, you often project your own fears or insecurities onto the conversation. So naturally, when I played it over in my head again and again, I just projected my fear of her rejecting me over and over, and I was scared off on doing it, and never ended up asking her. I later found out she was hoping for me to ask her.

 

I did this in my most recent relationship as well. I had seen some of the issues near the end of our relationship, and I played over conversations of how to address the issues with her. I never actually had those conversations because I kept playing them over in my head and actually did the opposite of projecting my fears- I played them over and over with them ending up great! I projected my overconfidence (or perhaps naivete) onto the situation, and those pretend conversations in my head eventually became my own reality and I never had those conversations because in my head, they were settled and solved.

 

I've been addressing this tendency since my breakup. Talking out stuff with my therapist has helped, and I've made a conscious effort to talk out with friends and family more often. I've also changed my approach from playing out the conversation in my head (which is really just imagination gone wild) to analyzing the situation instead. For example, the homecoming thing. Instead of playing out the situation in my head of going up and asking her, instead I would have analyzed it- How am I going to ask her? Am I going to give her flowers? What do I do if she says yes? What group will we be in? Where will I get my tux? What is the worst case scenario? (she says no) So the worst case scenario happens, what do I do to deal with it? So instead of pretending to have the conversation, I look at it rationally.

 

I've found my relationships with friends and family and co-workers have been much stronger since doing this.

[Waz]

no.i dont really have anything to say. what do you want to say? that you will regret it? that I dont deserve to br treated like this? that you should go to hell? or I wish you happy I love you forever? unless you want them to change their minds because of your words otherwise all of these are just less than useless. less than pointless. I cant be bothered saying anything to them.

I don't see how thats gona give you closure?

This this this.

 

In my opinion, if i feel that i have to say something/need closure, that maybe means that the other person too need something similar from you/me. There's not such a thing like closure in reality.

 

You always have something to say but, this is not the point. Even if you say it, you would feel better only if the other person cares for what you have to say. But if they don't care at the time? You don't want "closure".

[Stealth3]

I said everything I needed to say and more...everything on my mind, to the last bits and pieces.

 

Its such a relief, to know that you did everything you possibly could and there is nothing more you couldn't have done. To walk away regretting the things you did and not the things you didn't do.

 

To communicate everything and not let silence do the work.

 

Its a great feeling, it worked for me.

 

I took the high ground, said all I needed to say and left with my head up high.

[ponchsox]

I said what I needed to say before going NC. I wanted to her feel an ounce of pain too.

[lauri]

The thing is I didn't say what I felt I needed to say, hense why im feeling how I am. I didn't bc I felt she would have benefited more than I. I want these feelings to go away...

[Never Again]

Closure talks often benefit the dumper more than the dumpee. My ex broke up with me in a flurry of confusion and tears, and then wanted the closure talk 4 days later. I wanted to express myself in the hopes of getting her back (since she wasn't sure if she made the right decision immediately following the breakup) and all I did was give her the opportunity to cement her decision and make herself feel better. Everything I said made me feel worse, and as she and I talked calmly, crying and mourning the end of the relationship, I realized that I never should've spoken to her after I had been dumped.

 

Due to the nature of "escalation of commitment", by speaking with them you are only providing them with additional confidence/validation that they made the right decision.

 

Also, no one likes to admit they were wrong. She'll justify her behavior just like she'll justify the breakup. She may not say it, but she'll think it and resent you. Don't give her that power.

 

Closure is an illusion. Well, closure from an ex is an illusion. Closure comes from within, from you rejecting her from your mind and heart.

[Mariposa10]

Closure talks often benefit the dumper more than the dumpee. My ex broke up with me in a flurry of confusion and tears, and then wanted the closure talk 4 days later. I wanted to express myself in the hopes of getting her back (since she wasn't sure if she made the right decision immediately following the breakup) and all I did was give her the opportunity to cement her decision and make herself feel better. Everything I said made me feel worse, and as she and I talked calmly, crying and mourning the end of the relationship, I realized that I never should've spoken to her after I had been dumped.

 

Due to the nature of "escalation of commitment", by speaking with them you are only providing them with additional confidence/validation that they made the right decision.

 

Also, no one likes to admit they were wrong. She'll justify her behavior just like she'll justify the breakup. She may not say it, but she'll think it and resent you. Don't give her that power.

 

Closure is an illusion. Well, closure from an ex is an illusion. Closure comes from within, from you rejecting her from your mind and heart.

 

 

This is really interesting... I hadn't really thought about it this way.

[Never Again]

This is really interesting... I hadn't really thought about it this way.

 

Honestly, this is why NC is always the best choice.

 

You may feel you NEED to say things to an ex after a breakup, but it only damages you further.

 

It also damages your ex's perception of you. Not that you should care what they think, but I do my best to leave graciously and with dignity.

 

My most recent ex...I didn't do as well as I would've liked. I didn't plead or beg, but I tried to use logic to keep the relationship together. I got upset by a breakup out of the blue, and made it worse by talking to her. I didn't blubber or sob, but there were tears and lots of them even though my voice was calm. By SAYING how I felt and what I wanted, I made it real. I manifested my own pain. It hurt, and having it rejected only made it worse.

 

I'm modest, but even I have enough pride to not want that to be the last image someone has of me.

 

No matter what you want from your ex...reconciliation, friendship or absolutely nothing at all...it's always always always best to avoid closure talks.

 

If you hear someone breakup up with you, just agree, thank them for the relationship, and calmly ask them to leave. Break down once they're out of sight and go NC. If they reach out to you later, act like you're fine and happy. It may be a lie, but it keeps them from having power over you.

 

I normally scoff at social "power structures", but here...when it's raw emotion...that crap is real. The longer you let an ex have power over you, the longer you'll be in pain. You'll idolize them and want them back, or try to demonize them to make yourself feel better...but the only thing you're really doing is giving them the ability to affect how you feel long after they've left.

 

The sooner you cut the cord, the better.

[Coping Vortex]

I really wish I was not writing this thread.

 

Things have been looking up for me in general, I bought a car, I started a new job and I haven't talked to my ex since the end of August.

 

Today at my new job I started to have this feeling of sadness and anger. I cut out my ex so quickly and I never really got to tell her everything, especially the fact that I didn't deserve anything she did to me. I almost feel like I didn't get my proper closure, but then again either did she.

 

What I wanted to ask the LC community is - do you feel like you still have something to say to your ex? When I think logically (when I'm not going through these emotions) saying something wouldn't do me any good. But sometimes I have my days, like I am right now...

 

Appreciate any feedback on your experiences and what was the outcome if you did / how do you cope with not having that "proper closure".

 

I know I still had things to say. Part of what I had to say was that certain things became obvious to me after some time passed after the BU. I would have loved to confront her on things that I figured out. Get her to admit to certain things. Of course this all fantasy.

 

But yes I still had and have stuff to say. But, what does it matter now anyway?

[lauri]

Honestly, this is why NC is always the best choice.

 

You may feel you NEED to say things to an ex after a breakup, but it only damages you further.

 

It also damages your ex's perception of you. Not that you should care what they think, but I do my best to leave graciously and with dignity.

 

My most recent ex...I didn't do as well as I would've liked. I didn't plead or beg, but I tried to use logic to keep the relationship together. I got upset by a breakup out of the blue, and made it worse by talking to her. I didn't blubber or sob, but there were tears and lots of them even though my voice was calm. By SAYING how I felt and what I wanted, I made it real. I manifested my own pain. It hurt, and having it rejected only made it worse.

 

I'm modest, but even I have enough pride to not want that to be the last image someone has of me.

 

No matter what you want from your ex...reconciliation, friendship or absolutely nothing at all...it's always always always best to avoid closure talks.

 

If you hear someone breakup up with you, just agree, thank them for the relationship, and calmly ask them to leave. Break down once they're out of sight and go NC. If they reach out to you later, act like you're fine and happy. It may be a lie, but it keeps them from having power over you.

 

I normally scoff at social "power structures", but here...when it's raw emotion...that crap is real. The longer you let an ex have power over you, the longer you'll be in pain. You'll idolize them and want them back, or try to demonize them to make yourself feel better...but the only thing you're really doing is giving them the ability to affect how you feel long after they've left.

 

The sooner you cut the cord, the better.

 

This is an amazing perspective / spin. Some things I could have handled a lot better, but this makes me feel a lot better for not meeting up with my ex to do the "closure talk" and not giving her the chance.

 

I was going through a lot of emotions but I never begged her and I just got up and walked away. I cried to myself a lot, but at least she never saw this. I called her the next day after we ended it but I just told her that breaking up was for the best...she really didn't like hearing that.

 

In the end, thank you so much for your insight. It honestly made me feel better about these internal feelings I have been having, and I hope it will for many other people too.

[Simon Phoenix]

No. I said pretty much everything I needed. Funny thing is, only reason I did that was because she was rehashing things that I had already moved past and I did it to basically shut her up and get her to move on in some way. I had already come to peace with everything.

[AriesGirl803]

It's funny I should come across this today. I'm going through something very similar.. our breakup was not even a proper one. We both barely said a word, it was two minutes tops. I'm not that good as voicing my feelings.

And I know people on here love to harp and harp about NC but I ended up reaching out to him a couple nights ago. (I had ZERO closure and have been going nuts) And today I sent him a "soul-baring" letter with all my feelings and wanting closure essentially. He may not respond, and that's fine. I feel SO much better either way.

My advice would be to write all the things you feel you need to say and burn it. Just writing everything out did make me feel better. I left nothing unaired. I put my pride aside and stripped myself down to nothing basically. It feels as though a weight has been lifted from my shoulders.