cpaige Posted October 9, 2013 Posted October 9, 2013 Hi, everyone! I think I posted my story on here back when my BU first happened. It's been three months and I've tried to wait and see how everything plays out before posting again so that I would have more information. I would really appreciate any advice regarding my situation and how I should handle everything. I'm sorry if this gets long and thanks to anyone who sticks around to read everything My situation is different as my ex is currently deployed to Afghanistan. His homecoming date is approaching (December) and I'm getting extremely anxious. I also graduate college that month, so I guess I'm just stressed. Background info: I'm 21, he's 25. We are from the same hometown, I still live here but he is stationed 5 hours away. We met while he was here on leave visiting his parents. The best way to describe our relationship before he deployed is easy. Things just fell into place. The 5 hour distance was never an issue, he drove home almost every weekend for an entire year to see me. I never had to wonder where I stood with him. He included me in his family life and I became close with them, too. He made me a priority and chose to spent his time with me rather than his friends. We were crazy about each other. We made plans and talked about marriage. Our plan was for me to move to the city where he is stationed after I graduate and he comes home this December. I was going to get my own place until we got engaged, which HE made references to all the time. I can honestly say I was the happiest I had ever been with him. We were together for a year when he deployed. He left in March. We didn't really know what to expect as it was his first deployment. He ended up on a well-developed base where he was able to call and email everyday. He tried really hard to stay involved in my life and our communication was great. He asked me to send him an email before bed every night about my day. He said I was his "escape". He regularly brought up our future and was always happy to talk to me. I threw myself into care packages and emails. So things were good for three months. I guess you could say everything changed when Summer rolled around and they got extremely busy. He has a highly stressful job (EOD) and would stay out days at a time. He also lost a friend. One day he called me and told me that for the first time he felt homesick, and that he would give anything to be at home with me. I could tell he was depressed. At the same time, I got a new job and my new hours made it so that he was unable to call everyday. I hadn't realized how reliant we were on our routine. Nothing is certain during deployment, but our phone call everyday made things feel somewhat normal. So that definitely threw us off. At the beginning of June, he went on a three day mission. I'm not sure what happened, but the next time I heard from him it was almost like he had flipped a switch. He sounded distant and unattached. I figured he was just tired, but over the next few weeks things just got worse. He said he felt like he was "trying to be two places at once" and he "felt like he was completely detached from home". We talked and he said that all of those feelings are normal and based on the deployment, not on us or our relationship. So we decided to press on and just keep everything positive. Unfortunately that didn't happen and things continued to get worse. He almost completely stopped calling, even on the weekends. He would hardly reply to my emails even though he would be on Facebook chatting with his friends. He stopped being affectionate. I felt like I was walking on eggshells and I didn't want to say or do anything to stress him out. I could feel him slipping away so I was basically a mess and I admit I became a little clingy. I guess I just didn't want to lose him and I thought if I just said or did the right thing, things would go back to normal. That made everything worse, he got annoyed with me, and July 4th weekend he told me that he wanted to take a break and "see where we stand when he comes home." He said "It isn't you, you're perfect. It sucks because I finally found the person I want to be with, but the timing couldn't be worse." He said he can't make me a priority while he's there, and we just can't find a "balance". He said he didn't want any additional stress while he was there, and if we try to "force" our relationship, we'll end up resenting each other. He promised I would see him again and then hung up the phone. I basically fell off the map. I deactivated my FB after the BU because it hurt to see his activity. I also felt like we both just needed a complete break from each other, and I needed to focus on getting myself back to a good place. I focused on school and work, took a trip, started a new workout plan, spent time with my friends, and even went skydiving! I spent a month away from FB. During that time, he sent me two emails. They were short and basically emotionless, basically saying he just wanted to “check-in” and let me know that he’s okay. I know it’s advised not to reply to these types of messages, but I just couldn’t bring myself to not reply because he’s deployed. I never gave him information about me or how I was doing, I just said “Thanks for writing, I’m glad you’re good.” I reactivated my FB after a month but hid his activity as well as his friends and family. I don’t post very often, but when I do I post about things I’m doing, never anything negative or about how I'm feeling (unless it's positive and not related to him). He made me feel pretty bad about myself the last month of our relationship, so I’ve been determined to show him that I’m happy and on my own. In August he started liking my pictures again, and then he started sending me messages with a little emotion. I got one that said “I should probably be sleeping, but I’m just thinking about you tonight. I wish you were online so we could chat.” I got one that said “I like your new pictures, they are really pretty.” He started trying to make conversation. I did reply, but I always kept everything short and sweet. In September, he started messaging me more frequently (every 7-10 days) and then made it a point to keep the conversations going. He told me that he’s been hesitant to talk to me because he “didn’t know if I was talking to anyone” (which I feel like was his attempt to ask if I was seeing anyone). He made a reference to seeing me when he comes home. He said he misses me. And a few weeks ago he even called for the first time since July… I missed the call So when I write all of this out, I feel really silly because obviously it sounds like he cares and is interested in seeing me when he comes home. I guess I’m just getting nervous. Obviously I still love him and want him in my life. I haven’t seen him in seven months or heard his voice in three, but I still think about him and miss him every day. I guess my biggest thing is, I just don’t know how to act when he comes home. One side of me doesn’t want him to think that he can walk in and out of my life as he pleases, but the other side of me wants to understand that he’s under a lot of pressure. I have a million questions running through my mind. I almost feel like we should completely start over. Sex is something that means a lot to me (He was my first and we waited for a long time for me to be ready) and that is making me anxious. I just don’t know how I should handle everything or the rules for this kind of thing. Is it even possible to rebuild trust? I don’t really know what I’m asking for, I guess just any opinions or advice for the future. I appreciate any help! P.S. I guess anything is possible, but I'm 99.9% positive there isn't anyone else involved. I've always been really intuitive about that sort of thing, and I just don't get that feeling here. At all.
headinthecloud Posted October 9, 2013 Posted October 9, 2013 (edited) I'm so sorry to hear about your situation, I really feel for you. I can't imagine the rollercoaster of emotions you're going through. Your situation is truly unique as you may be dealing with him potentially suffering PTSD (post traumatic stress syndrome). You seem to be grounded and aware so definitely put yourself first as you cannot help others unless you help yourself first. My suggestion would be don't put any expectations on yourself or him when you meet up. Sounds like he may need some support so best to be non-judgmental. Edited October 9, 2013 by headinthecloud
Criticality Posted October 9, 2013 Posted October 9, 2013 Sorry, but from the hints he dropped about timing being wrong, and how he gave you the cold shoulder while talking with other people from home, it definitely sounds like he hooked up with somebody there. There are lots of young women in uniform these days, and its a lot more common than you'd think. Do you two have a chance together again? Sure it's possible. Depending on how you two deal with it.
Mcscooter Posted October 9, 2013 Posted October 9, 2013 Deployments can be tough. Life in the military single is more better than being in a relationship. Just the fact you have less to care about. It's hard to understand, especially if you never served. Civilians will never understand what someone in the military goes through. When he needed space I'm sure he meant it. Combat stress is not a joke. If he wants to work things out and if you want to work things out. Well hey. There you go. If not than you know the drill. 1
Emilia Posted October 9, 2013 Posted October 9, 2013 P.S. I guess anything is possible, but I'm 99.9% positive there isn't anyone else involved. I've always been really intuitive about that sort of thing, and I just don't get that feeling here. At all. I'm pretty sure you are right. Seconded Mcscooter. I keep in touch with my ex who serves in the british army and even that's a challenge, we are aren't even that close. There are times when he just disappears because 'work is busy' and clearly he doesn't owe me an explanation but I can tell he just doesn't have the mental or emotional capacity to focus on anything else. A friend of mine said that deployment from the 6-8 months mark can get really hard for couples, who knows what he went through, he will probably never tell you. I think you are likely to get more and more contact from him as his return date is getting closer. Just try to relax if you can. If he is traumatised you need to prepare for PTSD though. It is possible that you are only experiencing the tip of the iceberg now.
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