Debate: Can a Betrayed Husband walk away from his wife's affair child?

October 8, 2013

To the poster who asked about the court cases, I was trying to show that sometimes, courts do not force the BH to pay child support.

I think that the 'bond' between the BH and the affair child would also matter.

However, feelings can be fickle. Let's examine the relationship between a husband and a wife. One spouse cheats and lies to the other spouse. The BS finds out about the affair after a few years and may divorce the WS. (ISayWhoa's thread comes to my mind)

I know that the bond between two spouses is very different from the unconditional love a man may have for his child and unlike a WS, the child has done nothing wrong. Whether that bond is powerful enough for the BH to overlook the paternity of the child depends on the situation, the age of the child and the personality of the BH.

A few questions:

1) If the BH discovers that the child is the OM's, should the child be informed about his/her true paternity when he/she turns 18?

2) If the child finds out that his Mum had an affair and his biological father was the OM, should he inform his (legal) BH?

3) If the child discovers his/her true paternity, should he/she refrain from claiming any family assets, eg a trust fund established by a great grandfather, knowing that he/she would be deprived of these assets if the true paternity was known. This is a big problem in the UK; as per law the oldest child inherits a significant (if not all) of the father's assets. Should the OC, in this case, allow these assets to be passed on to his younger siblings who are the BH's biological offspring.

October 8, 2013

I would walk! The women in this scenario is responsible for the whole mess not her husband. If i was a husband i would leave angry and betrayed, but i would not feel sorry for her. As far as the child, its the responsibility of the biological father to take care of it and pay for the bills.

October 8, 2013

To me it depends on when the man finds out. If the kid is just a baby or a toddler then it's not a big deal. If the kid is over about 5 to 7 years... then it will hurt the kid. Younger and they won't remember.

October 8, 2013

I honestly don't think that anyone would have the right to tell him what he should or should not do nor feel. Yes, the child is an innocent and I'm sure it would be horrid for him/her, too, but I cannot even imagine being put in that situation myself. I would never assume to know what the best course of action would be.

I actually have an acquaintance who temporarily separated from her husband. During that separation, she had an A and a child was conceived from it. She and the husband reconciled (and he knew she was pregnant). The husband took the child on as his own, putting his name on the birth certificate (which you legally have to do in my state if you are married when a child is born, anyway). He raised him as his own. They are now divorced and he is NOW trying to disown this child so that he no longer has to pay child support or have visitation with him. THAT is pretty crappy, IMO and I'm not in agreement with that at all since this child has known him as dad since birth due to HIM knowingly and willingly taking on that role from day 1. I think the kid is 10 or so now.

Disown as in does not want to see the child at all or is trying to gain control possibly from an ex gaining too much via child support? My context is this, i know of man who got out of child support (not his child but loves the child) because the mother is a POS anyway and tries to get all she can for freeloading. She never gives the child anything from the money but blows it on herself. I know a lot of good now D'd men (where the children are theirs) who care for the kids but would prefer the monetary contributions be better controlled and direct to the child vs always going to court to fight an out of control ex wife who spends the money on herself rather than the kids. I know a guy who drives 3 hours every week to be with his daughter and the mother never improves her clothes or toys or school supplies, it's always him and that is on top of the child support he already pays which she uses to own a BMW.

October 8, 2013

Not necessarily, to the best of my knowledge, a man had two years after the divorce to prove that the child is not his. If he does prove this, he does not have to pay alimony.
I've looked this up and came across:

1. Langston vs Locklear, No 117 September Term 1999, Maryland Court of Appeals.

2. USA vs Gloria Teneuvial Ward, No. DC, NO. 97-CR-122-001
The WW was convicted and spent 15 months in prison.

Go on paternityfraud.com and see the cases won against paternity fraud specifically in the US.

I thought the justice system was supposed to ensure justice, regardless of economic effects.

As Martin Luther King would say:

One who breaks an unjust law that conscience tells him is unjust, and who willingly accepts the penalty of imprisonment in order to arouse the conscience of the community over its injustice, is in reality expressing the highest respect for law.

I'm sure there is a time frame for disputing paternity, and two years sounds reasonable , but that isn't the scenerio you described in your post.

I'm not going to look up the others , because I know that in NY my information is correct. It's a common thing ever since DNA testing. There are fathers all over the country screaming about it. And the law holds unless other circumstances are in effect. Like the real bio dad wants custody.

It's as though you really want to be right, but unless other circumstances are involved, it just isn't true.

October 8, 2013

In the US, everyone is free to make a will and leave their assets to whom ever they like. In the case of a trust fund bestowed by a deceased relative, it would be argued that the deceased would still have wanted the child to receive the fund. No way to know. If it were a long standing family endowment, I'm sure receiving it would depend upon wheather or not the child was legally disowned. Because that's the process that would come if it was too late to use the paternity argument. I don't even know if you can disown an adult.

That might be some good research for you!

I think children, as adults, should always be made aware of their true parentage.

October 8, 2013

I could see not paying child support and only buying things directly for the child or whatever to make sure the ex did not benefit.

But walking away...

If I found out somebody had done that, I would want nothing to do with them. I'd think that behavior toward an innocent child who knew you as dad was every bit as disgusting as cheating.

(And yes, I've been cheated on. And no, someone can't pass off a child as mine who isn't... but I am going to adopt and I won't love my future children any less because no DNA or because I don't "have to" or whatever.)

October 9, 2013

Can a man turn away (legally, financially, emotionally) from a child that does not share his DNA? Of course he can.

Should he? That depends on who you ask I guess....and whether a child's worth is all about genetics or something more.

I admit to being biased; I don't share DNA with either of my parents.

The courts have ruled that the BH must still support the OC.

October 9, 2013

To me, it would make more sense for the man to leave the picture. It isn't his child, after all, and he's basically being played for a fool if he sticks around.

Sure, it's not the child's fault, but it wouldn't be the first time that the child pays for the sins of a parent (in this case, the mother).

October 9, 2013

My biggest takeaway from this thread is the hope that none of these "ditch th bastard child" people ever actually become parents.

October 9, 2013

I could not leave the child, I think. I'd even shoot myself in the foot because you give up a good friend in later life. I'd think the respect of the child, and later young adult, for BH would be that much stronger considering that he didn't give up on the child even after that.

Since I'm going to adopt anyway ill never even have to ponder this question at all - 100% guaranteed its not mine.

October 9, 2013

So after 10 years if piggy back rides, vacations, dance recitals, playing catch, cuddling, wiping away tears, you think it makes "more sense" to walk away.

I hope you don't have kids and therefore don't understand the bond between father and child.

No, I don't have kids.

But when I do, I will make sure they are my kids from the beginning to prevent the OP from happening to me (and, thus, I will never be in that position).

You know what they say about proper planning.

October 9, 2013

I did, he was a one year old when I discovered he wasn't mine. Had I stayed I would have had to take responsibility for him until his 18th birthday, I would have had to accept his POS biological father who was banging his cheating mother behind my back for two years. When I got rid of her I got rid of O/M and unfortunately my son was an innocent victim. He should have been mine but because his mother was a nasty cheating selfish tramp I lost him. She wasn't remorseful, she never confessed, she is gone from my life, he is still my only regret. The pain of loosing a child is a greater pain than infidelity, it was a double whammy. I can still see him running to me when I walk in the door, I still hate her.

October 9, 2013

Coolit,

"I hope you don't have kids and therefore don't understand the bond between father and child."

Why so angry?

Janedoe,

"My biggest takeaway from this thread is the hope that none of these "ditch th bastard child" people ever actually become parents."

While I appreciate that you've taken the time to post here, please refrain from passing a judgement on a poster. Everyone is free to post their opinions; courtesy shown should also be extended.

October 9, 2013

Coolit,

"I hope you don't have kids and therefore don't understand the bond between father and child."

Why so angry?

Janedoe,

"My biggest takeaway from this thread is the hope that none of these "ditch th bastard child" people ever actually become parents."

While I appreciate that you've taken the time to post here, please refrain from passing a judgement on a poster. Everyone is free to post their opinions; courtesy shown should also be extended.

I know one of the reasons (or maybe 2) that my emotions are so high are this:

I am a mother, therefore I understand what it is like to love a child

Also, the remarks about how the child "ought to" feel about his "cheating mother" coupled with the remarks from (usually) the same people about how they'd walk out the door are intriguing to me. So who truly is the worst parent for a child, the mother who conceived him in adultery, or the father (the only father the child has known at any rate) who would turn away from him and possibly be mainly concerned about "all that money"?

October 9, 2013

I know one of the reasons (or maybe 2) that my emotions are so high are this:

I am a mother, therefore I understand what it is like to love a child

Also, the remarks about how the child "ought to" feel about his "cheating mother" coupled with the remarks from (usually) the same people about how they'd walk out the door are intriguing to me. So who truly is the worst parent for a child, the mother who conceived him in adultery, or the father (the only father the child has known at any rate) who would turn away from him and possibly be mainly concerned about "all that money"?

As far as I am concerned, I hope that a woman who is willing to cheat on her husband, get pregnant, pretend that the child is her husband's and then lie to both the husband and the child for years, does not deserve to get married or have a child in the first place. Ready to deceive the husband and the child? Who is the worse human being here? Why do you think that leaving when you have been deceived is worse than being lied to about your paternity?

October 9, 2013

3) If the child discovers his/her true paternity, should he/she refrain from claiming any family assets, eg a trust fund established by a great grandfather, knowing that he/she would be deprived of these assets if the true paternity was known. This is a big problem in the UK; as per law the oldest child inherits a significant (if not all) of the father's assets. Should the OC, in this case, allow these assets to be passed on to his younger siblings who are the BH's biological offspring.

This argument seems the most specious to me. The others, I suppose, would be a matter of the personalities involved. One might wish that the child's innocence in his/her own parentage would influence the BH's response/desires with respect to how he chooses to interact with the kid. But I guess that would be up to the BH. I don't know that it makes sense to legally require anything one way or the other.

But when it comes to the issue of inheritance and biological offspring - really?? The scenario you suggest is awfully simplistic. What about adopted children? What about legally designated heirs? I think you posted something a few pages back about the peerage, suggesting that non-biological offspring shouldn't inherit a title - but aren't plenty of heirs so designated? Lots of families don't have male offspring to inherit directly. Not to mention that it's hardly unusual for children born on the "wrong side of the blanket" to be accepted as the "biological" offspring.

Again - I suppose it's up to the BH to determine if he wants to "out" the kid in that way, and I suppose you're suggesting that the stakes are higher if a title/significant amount of money is at stake as well. Well, if all we have to determine is the price, then so be it.

But it's worth reiterating that such an action, while clearly designed to punish the mother, actually punishes the child. If the BH wants to go down that road, that really is going to be on him. He can claim purity of motive and truth and light and whatever, but nobody really is going to see it that way. It's disingenuous to sideline the feelings/perspective of the kid in the single-minded, anger-driven, so-called pursuit of "justice" against the mother.

Again - this is all assuming that the BH has had an actual relationship with the child. I can't see how that relationship should not then become a mitigating, even determining, factor.

Edited October 9, 2013 by serial muse

October 9, 2013

Also, the remarks about how the child "ought to" feel about his "cheating mother" coupled with the remarks from (usually) the same people about how they'd walk out the door are intriguing to me. So who truly is the worst parent for a child, the mother who conceived him in adultery, or the father (the only father the child has known at any rate) who would turn away from him and possibly be mainly concerned about "all that money"?

Please don't go there. If the mother had not cheated and then kept it a secret for years then the whole drama would have been avoided. Walk-away dad or not - just pondering who is 'worse' seems very unfair to the betrayed spouse IMO.

October 9, 2013

Please don't go there. If the mother had not cheated and then kept it a secret for years then the whole drama would have been avoided. Walk-away dad or not - just pondering who is 'worse' seems very unfair to the betrayed spouse IMO.

It's unfair to everybody. The whole thing is unfair. I agree that the person who should be on the bottom of the consideration totem pole is the WS, who in my opinion has continued to be a WS every day she has lied even if she never has another affair again. I am of the opinion that WS is a WS until the truth comes out.

That said....children and adults are not the same. I can say that with authority after advanced degrees To find out something like this would be crushing and devastating to an adult BH. But for a child to find this out AND be abandoned by the man he knows as father.....no way to even compare the two, for someone who actually has a parent's heart.

There are a lot of shoulda woulda couldas in the world. I found out a few disturbing things about my husband years after our marriage. Guess what? We were married then. The reality that WAS was that he is my husband and I am his wife. Without a time machine there was no way to "fix" it.

I would think that in this situation - like any that takes us by crushing unpleasant surprise - we have to decide if we are going to try to make the most honorable choice given the reality at hand or whether WE are going to contribute to the hurt for the sake of pride and vengeance. It stinks, no doubt about it.

And for those who live in a sad world where there is no such thing as redemption, I can see why this situation would be so complex.

October 9, 2013

I think Aliveagain has experienced this, as I have. There may be more, I hope not. When we got married,( not Aliveagain, but my cheating bith of a wife and I.) I kept counting on my fingers and kept coming up with fingers left over, I think the number of leftover fingers was about 2 or 3. But I was young, and dumb. We had 3 more, and I always had doubts about paternity and her faithfulness. I always distrusted her. After we split, I asked her and she admitted her lies and claimed the lies were because she loved me so much.

She did not ever admit to, and did deny any inappropriate relationships while we were married. But the trust was gone and I really did not care.

Her lies and actions drove a wedge between me and all 4 of the kids. A wedge that exists to this day between me and 2 of the children. And 2 of the children and her. To this day, I am told she continues to lie.

Back to the original post, I found it very difficult to give the children the love and attention they deserved. There was always a wedge in the relationship, and still is between 2 of them and myself. As far as walking away, she walked away and took the children with her. She laid the blame for the failed marriage entirely on me, but I was not blameless. She only admitted to the oldest child her lies and actions. And that only after my girlfriend stepped in and told my oldest daughter about the deception. Then my daughter confronted her mother, who finally admitted the deception.

But, being there for the conception is not what makes a father or a mother. My girlfriend has 2 grandkids, I claim both of them, and I also claim their mother as a daughter. Not to brag, but the Boy asked me to talk to his Career Class about my work. Makes me proud, and humble at the same time. The sperm donor did not get asked, but I did.

October 9, 2013

Heck, if everybaby was given a paternity test by default at birth a lot less women would be passing the child. But, I don't know to many females that wouldn't be upset when their spouse demands a dna test after each birth. I am curious how else you can guarantee a 100% that the situation would never happen to you

I saw a statistic that about 35% of babies were born out of wedlock. I think when a boy is 12, he should be given a bottle to fill with sperm. Should not take more than 3 or 4 minutes. Then each baby is DNA tested. Then the test is run through the data base. The male winner then can pay child support for the next 18 to 24 years.

October 9, 2013

If i was attached to the child and he/she knew me as their dad, i would probably continue the relationship but make the mom's life a living hell [as by then i'll be a lawyer/magistrate].

If i was not attached, and i was still in the 6months i get to attack paternity [after finding out], i would say goodbye to both of them.

October 10, 2013

Your child was only a year and the decision your wife forced you to hurt a lot. Do you think you could have left him if you had ten years together. As it stands he won't rememer you except what he is told. But if he had been ten he would have conscious knowledge of you and many memories.

I am glad that is a decision I never have to make. It would be very difficult to walk away from a child that was with me for 10 years. Don't get me wrong, I love children, I am of Italian heritage, it's in my make up. Had I met a woman with children and married her, I would love her children as my own, I would have made a choice based on the complete family package. My ex took that choice away from me, she deceived me into thinking the O/M's baby was mine(she and O/M would always have that connection, paternity). My lawyer told me that once I was aware(DNA test) that he was not mine, I had a very short time to decide to stay and accept him as mine or I had to take the appropriate action to finish what she started, the annihilation of our marriage. I chose not to have O/M forever in my life, I could never prevent him access to his son, their bond of paternity would always be stronger than our love, she already trashed that.

Discovering that your spouse has been freely giving her body to another man for his pleasure( for two years), putting me at risk for STD's(pretty obvious no protection was used) and then hiding the secret from me so only she and O/M knew was too much for me. I too had choices.

Edited October 10, 2013 by aliveagain

October 10, 2013

You just kill the wife then raise the kids as your own if you've already established a bond. (that was a joke, don't get all worked up)

October 10, 2013

You do realize that Coolit and Janedoe are both female admitted cheaters right? So... no wonder they get angry when men tell them they wouldn't take their ****.

OT: I would not be able to get rid of the children sadly enough, the bond would be too strong.

But, rest assured, I would be creative in my revenge against the mom. She would have wished she practiced safe sex while cheating.

Actually I agree that the full responsibility lies with the WW. She lied to EVERYONE, including her own flesh and blood.

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Debate: Can a Betrayed Husband walk away from his wife's affair child?

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