Girl sees me as "just a friend", what do I do?

[MBAFGE]

A few things I've learnt over the years. One you don't have to be friends with anyone, you certainly don't "need" to be friends with anyone. Even if they are in your friendship circle, you can be friendly and keep them at arms length.

 

You shouldn't be friends with anyone who is making you miserable even if it is not of their own doing. Partly I see it as her behavior and the other part your feelings with her. You are afraid to let go I understand that. You are afraid you might miss your "chance".

 

Delusional is probably the right word. It's the only way I could of described the behavior of my friends who were pining after a girl who wasn't interested. They would come up with all sorts of insane logic as to why they can't let go or why her behavior is excused. From an objective stand point these girls were being pretty ****ty friends. Or they simply were not interested and my friends just refused to accept that.

 

Even if you get along great with her it will be a toxic friendship until you stop seeing her as an option. This will require you to be somewhat distant or you can be like my friend chasing her for a decade.

 

There are other people out there. There are people who will treat you a lot better and will reciprocate your feelings. However I must stress this as well, if you are desperate for a relationship/girlfriend people will pick up on that. It's like a stench of desperation and desperation is the worse cologne you can wear.

 

All my of my relationships have being completely unexpected and when I wasn't looking for a relationship. It was when I was comfortable in my own shoes, with who I was. They occurred when I was honestly happy with being on my own and not wanting someone to fill a void.

 

Perhaps I don't need to be friends. But I want to. Yes, I am afraid I might miss my chance. But I am starting accept that it will never happen with her. She will never reciprocate, so I should stop trying for anything more than friendship (I'm still giving her her belated birthday gift next time I see her, but I did that with all of my platonic friends)

 

You're right, she can be a ****ty friend at times, but I also wasn't (like I assume your friend was) completely ignoring other women. Like I said before, I went out and got other numbers. Some women gave them to me. But they were all either in a relationship or not who I thought they were. I know I have to just "wait" for the right girl, but I don't know how. I'm not saying that I go up to every single woman looking for a committed relationship, acting desperate. But I would go up to and talk to some I think are cute, or give me some feeling.

 

An example: In one of my college classes (last week actually), I turned around to look at the professor and in the back of my class was this super adorable girl, more off to the side, keeping to herself and looked quiet, whom I've never really seen in that class before. More my type from first impressions. At the end of class, she stayed after for a bit and I approach her (I have never really had a problem with confidence or approaching women. I'm quite courageous, confident in myself and all that). So I introduce myself and we stand out in the hallway talking for a bit. We didn't talk for long, for about five minutes. We talk about our college goals so far, what we want to, things of that nature. She was really easy to talk to and when we were about to part ways for the day, I say that we should exchange names and numbers so we can talk more over Facebook and such, get to know each other more because we are on opposite sides of a silent class room. She didn't have a cell phone, but she wrote her name on my arm so I could friend her on Facebook. Turns out she has a boyfriend, but I am not shutting out other options (like I assume your friend was).

 

 

Now I don't know if me just being regularly choosy of who I approach classifies as "waiting for the right girl" (I honestly have no idea). I don't know how to "wait for the right girl to come along". Do I wait for them to approach me? I really don't know because, you're right; if me approaching any woman is making me come off as desperate, I would want that to happen. Is doing what I did above (approaching her because she seemed nice) desperate? I can't tell. The thing is I am looking for a relationship. Yes, I want that companionship. Do I get lonely sometimes when my friends are away and I'm home by myself? Yes, that's one of the big reasons I want a relationship. But if me not wanting one is the key to getting one (the way I understood it), how do I go about doing that? I am quite comfortable with myself, as I have said before, but me being lonely sometimes (when I'm not with my friends) gets to me occasionally.

[MBAFGE]

I refuse to believe your college doesn't have any cute girls.

 

I remember seeing in your post that you're an artist. So I'm going to assume you go to an art school. I'm sure your school is full of artsy hipster girls. I say you go holla at them. Try online dating, just do the free ones.

 

And stop with this friendship thing. Both of us know you have ulterior motives. Like I said time has to pass, before you can see her in a different light. Answer this hypothetical question. If she kissed you, would you push her off?

 

I do not go to an art school. I go to a community college in a not-so-good neighborhood because it is too expensive for an art school and too far away. And it is more beneficial for my degree. The artsy hipster girls aren't here because the school isn't great and the art program is crap. Trust me, I'm taking art classes and the only girls there are either... not good looking, or 50 year old women. Not exactly my type. And my college does have cute girls, no denying that. But the ones that I consider cute, I either hear from a distance or approach and realize that they all party/smoke/drink. So that interest ends right there. Becasue of, not only my age group, but the college itself, it makes finding a "good girl" very difficult.

 

And no, I would not push her off. Which is why I am trying to get rid of these feelings so I can be just platonic friends. But let me respond to your hypothetical with one of mine: If you got kissed from one of the most beautiful, single woman you've ever seen, and you yourself are single as well, would you push her off?

 

 

Woops last line is a great test about how you really feel about her. My female friends who are truly my platonic friends. I would be very much what the effing **** if they tried to kiss me.

 

I very much doubt you could say with a straight face that you just want to be "only friends" with this girl. More accurately put you will be friends with her because it is all she is offering.

 

You might be right on that last line there. I want to be friends because I don't want her to completely exit my life. She is way to awesome of a person to just forget about. I am willing to accept being just friends because (A) I want her in my life and (B) I can move on. To me, if it is possible it seems like a win-win.

Edited October 8, 2013 by MBAFGE

[Geoff756]

What people here aren't mentioning is that girls CAN change their feelings about people. Things can change over time. I never used to like asparagus and now my taste has changed and I like it. The same happens with feelings. That's why people who are dating breakup. They liked each other and now they don't. The reverse is possible too! If someone doesn't like you, they may realize they do later on.

 

The trouble here is if you BANK on that happening, then you're in bad shape. As long as you don't count on it happening, there shouldn't really be a reason why you can't remain friends. Perhaps in the future she will end up realizing you would make a good bf. Perhaps she won't. In the meantime, just remain friends and keep hanging out and having fun. After all, what really is a girlfriend other than a great friend you are also intimate with? As long as you can control yourself to not get all mopey and pine for the intimacy then you should be fine.

 

If and when she does start to date some other dude, then you can take a step back and re-evaluate things. Maybe by then you won't feel the same about her anymore and won't care. Or then you can choose to cut ties and move on. Plus it'll be a lot easier then because you'll have more reason to.

 

Edit: Oh I should also say too that if she knows you like her and she still treats you as a great friend, that says either one of two things. Either 1) she is a terrible person that is using you to feel better about herself or 2) she really cares about you and doesn't want to lose you. I don't know this girl so I can't say which it is. You obviously know her better than anybody on this forum so you'll be able to make the call. Keep in mind though that even if #2 is true, it doesn't mean she like-likes you, just that she cares about you, as a friend.

[Carenth]

But let me respond to your hypothetical with one of mine: If you got kissed from one of the most beautiful, single woman you've ever seen, and you yourself are single as well, would you push her off?

 

Nope I wouldn't push her off. However I wouldn't be saying I just want to be friends with her in the first place.

 

My friend did try to go after other girls but was always a half assed effort because he had this other girl so high on a pedestal they just couldn't compete.

 

I didn't wait for my current and former girlfriends. I met them through friends and actually my current girlfriend I met through a forum not too dissimilar from this forum (though the content on that forum be further from the purpose of these forums).

 

Either way each time was unexpected. I wasn't on the prowl for girls who I thought were cute I was just going about my business. Sure approach girls you are interested in but don't come on super strong and make them out to be perfect. Treat them like people that includes flaws as well.

[MBAFGE]

What people here aren't mentioning is that girls CAN change their feelings about people. Things can change over time. I never used to like asparagus and now my taste has changed and I like it. The same happens with feelings. That's why people who are dating breakup. They liked each other and now they don't. The reverse is possible too! If someone doesn't like you, they may realize they do later on.

 

The trouble here is if you BANK on that happening, then you're in bad shape. As long as you don't count on it happening, there shouldn't really be a reason why you can't remain friends. Perhaps in the future she will end up realizing you would make a good bf. Perhaps she won't. In the meantime, just remain friends and keep hanging out and having fun. After all, what really is a girlfriend other than a great friend you are also intimate with? As long as you can control yourself to not get all mopey and pine for the intimacy then you should be fine.

 

If and when she does start to date some other dude, then you can take a step back and re-evaluate things. Maybe by then you won't feel the same about her anymore and won't care. Or then you can choose to cut ties and move on. Plus it'll be a lot easier then because you'll have more reason to.

 

Edit: Oh I should also say too that if she knows you like her and she still treats you as a great friend, that says either one of two things. Either 1) she is a terrible person that is using you to feel better about herself or 2) she really cares about you and doesn't want to lose you. I don't know this girl so I can't say which it is. You obviously know her better than anybody on this forum so you'll be able to make the call. Keep in mind though that even if #2 is true, it doesn't mean she like-likes you, just that she cares about you, as a friend.

 

 

 

 

That is what I was thinking. I know it would be difficult to get over feelings, but if I can, I don't see why I can't be just friends. And even if we are just friends and we are both single in the future. If she changes her mind in the future and makes a move on me, why can't I accept it? I'm not going to count on this happening, nor will I try to force that to happen. I will absolutely be looking for other people. And if she starts dating someone in the future, will I be hurt? If I'm not over these, yes. But even then, I can't be hostile toward her for that. If she's happy I'm happy (mostly). So I think all of you guys are right, collectively.

 

And also, I sincerely believe it is number 2 (heh). She told me (when we discusses her views on relationships on Facebook) that she doesn't want to lose me as a friend. She said that we have so much in common. Even after I brought up my feelings, she said how she wants to "stay friends. And I really mean that. It sounds cliche, but I am being sincere". So I highly doubt she would keep that facade and lie to my face multiple times about sincerely wanting to stay friends if she is doing it for her own ego. And yes, I do acknowledge that she wouldn't "like-like" me.

[Carenth]

Geoff what you say is true. I have had friendships turn into relationships however they were honestly platonic friendships to begin with. I don't like posting about those relationships in these kind threads because it gives the opening poster false hope.

 

When 99% of these threads the posters go into these friendships with the intention of making it a relationship. They already have feelings for said "friend" and I believe if they want a healthy friendship it can't be one sided feelings.

 

It just becomes too painful for the person who has feelings. Yes feelings can change however if you go into a friendship expecting it to happen then you are in for a bad time.

[heartshaped]

I agree with you, OP, that it would help for you to meet other women. Women that you would actually genuinely be interested in.

 

My three suggestions for that would be a) expand your social circle + do more activities b) do more cold approaching (just going up to women you find attractive and talking to them) and c) online dating.

[MBAFGE]

Geoff what you say is true. I have had friendships turn into relationships however they were honestly platonic friendships to begin with. I don't like posting about those relationships in these kind threads because it gives the opening poster false hope.

 

When 99% of these threads the posters go into these friendships with the intention of making it a relationship. They already have feelings for said "friend" and I believe if they want a healthy friendship it can't be one sided feelings.

 

It just becomes too painful for the person who has feelings. Yes feelings can change however if you go into a friendship expecting it to happen then you are in for a bad time.

 

I see what you mean about that. I can totally see how it could be too painful for me. My plan is to slowly work at ignoring/removing these feelings as you guys suggest (although I'm not sure how to. Any advice on that would be great). I still want to see her though (I still have to give her her birthday gift). If I have some residual ones, which I think I will, I will still remain friends. I mean, if you had Kate Upton as a friend and she saw you as nothing more, you would always be attracted to her. There is no removing that, and I don't care what you say. So there will always probably be some residual feelings between me and her if/when we remain friends. But if it does get too painful for me (i.e. she starts dating someone else and I can't handle that because I'm not over it yet), I will tell her exactly that: that it is too painful for me and probably drop contact and tell her I need space. Hell, we've been honest with each other thus far. I know that I will never be over these feelings 100%, but if they are just not so prominent and a lot lower, I would be doing better and probably can be friends (as long as I, like you say, don't hold out hope, which I won't).Thoughts?

 

 

I agree with you, OP, that it would help for you to meet other women. Women that you would actually genuinely be interested in.

 

My three suggestions for that would be a) expand your social circle + do more activities b) do more cold approaching (just going up to women you find attractive and talking to them) and c) online dating.

 

That is exactly what I did last week with the girl in my class. Sure it didn't work out (a relationship won't happen because she is in one), but I am fully willing to keep doing that, if that is what you guys mean as to "not looking for one" or being desperate for one.

Edited October 9, 2013 by MBAFGE

[Carenth]

Funnily enough physical attraction alone is not enough for me to end up being attracted to someone. Don't get me wrong it's important however if they have a personality that mismatches mine I'm not going to find them attractive in the least.

 

I have female friends who are attractive physically but I know we wouldn't be compatible on a personality level. They are great as friends but if I was in a relationship with them it would be pretty horrible, thus no attraction.

 

I'm genuinely happy for them when they find a partner, often end up becoming friends with their partners as well. That is a real platonic friendship, if you were to feel torn up inside if they were to date someone else then I don't think that's very fair on yourself.

 

Now in a few cases my feelings did change towards a friend and their feelings changed towards me but this was a very gradual process over a long period in that time we had dated other people etc. The key difference was neither of us went into the friendship looking to date each other.

Edited October 9, 2013 by Carenth

[MBAFGE]

Funnily enough physical attraction alone is not enough for me to end up being attracted to someone. Don't get me wrong it's important however if they have a personality that mismatches mine I'm not going to find them attractive in the least.

 

I have female friends who are attractive physically but I know we wouldn't be compatible on a personality level. They are great as friends but if I was in a relationship with them it would be pretty horrible, thus no attraction.

 

I'm genuinely happy for them when they find a partner, often end up becoming friends with their partners as well. That is a real platonic friendship, if you were to feel torn up inside if they were to date someone else then I don't think that's very fair on yourself.

 

Now in a few cases my feelings did change towards a friend and their feelings changed towards me but this was a very gradual process over a long period in that time we had dated other people etc. The key difference was neither of us went into the friendship looking to date each other.

 

I see what you mean. I, by no means, meant that physical attractiveness is the only reason I want be friends with this girl, or the reason I was to hell-bent on a relationship. Her looks are amazing, yes, but (like I said before), that is the least interesting thing about her. We just clicked. More so than any one else I have met. I do believe that looks/hygiene/etc are important, but I love her personality and how eerily similar we are. That's why I want to be friends. Like, when she sends me a text, a Shapchat, or even just a like on Facebook, I get so irrationally happy. More than I have been in a while. Just last night, she started a Snapchat conversation for a bit and I was so blissfully happy. I was beside myself. Anyway, I don't want to lose our friendship, and that is why I want to get over these feelings as much as possible so we can remain friends. I know you guys say it is stupid to want that, but I sincerely do want to see her. I wouldn't want her to leave my life forever because I love being with her and being friends. If I can't get over these feelings and I get hurt more in the future, I will tell her we should not see each other for a while. I don't anticipate that happening for a while, if at all, but I want to be prepared. So, like I asked before, how would I go about doing that? And (2), how would I stop wanting a relationship when I so want one? Do I just focus on being the best person I can be and become truly happy with myself (like you mentioned and like I have read before)? Will that be enough to make me get over these feelings and stop wanting a relationship and let the relationship I want come to me? I an genuinely asking because I don't know.

[Frank13]

The only time you are ready to be friends with this girl is when it doesn't matter to you if you are friends with her or not.

 

Speaking from experience, trying to stay friends will become very toxic. It will not end well.

 

Go no contact with her.

[colombiana28]

I guess you have to get burned before you learn!

[Woop1337]

I see what you mean. I, by no means, meant that physical attractiveness is the only reason I want be friends with this girl, or the reason I was to hell-bent on a relationship. Her looks are amazing, yes, but (like I said before), that is the least interesting thing about her. We just clicked. More so than any one else I have met. I do believe that looks/hygiene/etc are important, but I love her personality and how eerily similar we are. That's why I want to be friends. Like, when she sends me a text, a Shapchat, or even just a like on Facebook, I get so irrationally happy. More than I have been in a while. Just last night, she started a Snapchat conversation for a bit and I was so blissfully happy. I was beside myself. Anyway, I don't want to lose our friendship, and that is why I want to get over these feelings as much as possible so we can remain friends. I know you guys say it is stupid to want that, but I sincerely do want to see her. I wouldn't want her to leave my life forever because I love being with her and being friends. If I can't get over these feelings and I get hurt more in the future, I will tell her we should not see each other for a while. I don't anticipate that happening for a while, if at all, but I want to be prepared. So, like I asked before, how would I go about doing that? And (2), how would I stop wanting a relationship when I so want one? Do I just focus on being the best person I can be and become truly happy with myself (like you mentioned and like I have read before)? Will that be enough to make me get over these feelings and stop wanting a relationship and let the relationship I want come to me? I an genuinely asking because I don't know.

 

You cant have your cake and eat it too. Good luck trying to get over those feelings while still being in close proximity with this girl. The only realistic way for you to get over those feelings quickly, while still being friends with this girl.. is to hook up with another girl. Or you can just deal with it, you got work and school. Enough to preoccupy you. Quench your thirst bro. I look at it this way. What happens if you spend time with a person your attracted to? You develop more feelings, on top of you being smitten already by her beauty. Its logic bruh.

 

You say you guys hang out in the same social circle? You can be friendly to a person without being friends with them. If you see her in public, small talk for 5 minutes, thats it.

 

Anyway, everyone gets burned, thats how most people learn. You gon' learn that day.

Edited October 9, 2013 by Woop1337

[Geoff756]

The only time you are ready to be friends with this girl is when it doesn't matter to you if you are friends with her or not.

 

That really doesn't even make sense. As a guy, I have mostly friends that are all guys. I care about whether or not they are my friends and if my best friend started to get distant I would become upset and try to fix the situation. Are you saying that I should be indifferent about everybody? That's ridiculous.

[MBAFGE]

You cant have your cake and eat it too. Good luck trying to get over those feelings while still being in close proximity with this girl. The only realistic way for you to get over those feelings quickly, while still being friends with this girl.. is to hook up with another girl. Or you can just deal with it, you got work and school. Enough to preoccupy you. Quench your thirst bro. I look at it this way. What happens if you spend time with a person your attracted to? You develop more feelings, on top of you being smitten already by her beauty. Its logic bruh.

 

You say you guys hang out in the same social circle? You can be friendly to a person without being friends with them. If you see her in public, small talk for 5 minutes, thats it.

 

Anyway, everyone gets burned, thats how most people learn. You gon' learn that day.

 

I do want to be friends. I fully realize that there is a possibility of me being burned, but I still don't want to lose her as a friend. Yes, that is like having my cake and eating it too. But I get along with her as well, if not better than my best friends of 15 years. I wouldn't want to lose that.

 

And it's not like I see her that often anyway. We have hung out together maybe... 5 times since I met her in June? (not counting the times she visited me at work. She visited me about maybe 20 times total, and I visited her twice, both by accident. I had to go to her workplace to get something and she happened to be working that day). I see her... maybe once every.. three weeks? I know you guys say that I should cut off contact, but I don't see why I can't just let her instigate everything, because she doesn't do it that often. Let me draw back and not initiate any contact (like you said) but still be friendly when she does, while still looking for other women. That's what I've been doing for a while now (since we had that week of no contact and even before that). Since she came back after that week long hiatus, I have instigated contact once wishing her a happy birthday last week. She has done all other initiation. I don't see why I can't just continue doing that. Since she doesn't make plans often (that used to be me doing that), I won't see her often. Granted, we are planning on going to lunch together this week or early next week so I can give her her late birthday present (so I can get it out of my house). But after that, I plan on just drawing back all of my contact initiation. She can still initiate and I will respond, but be more distant. Is that a bad idea? Because frankly, I don't think so. I will get my space and still be friends, while being able to move on, and I won't lose her entirely as a friend. If she wants to see me, I probably won't unless it's in a group setting, but I will still be nice and maybe see her one-on-one again when I feel I'm ready. I feel like that is the best path for me and us because I am not the type of person to just tell her "You don't reciprocate, so **** off. We built such a good friendship, but it doesn't mean anything to me because I can end it so easily permanently." I guess I am just too nice of a person to abandon someone I really care for. I feel like this is the best course of action. Kind of like that the other gentleman did in my OP (the link is there). I'm not planning on her coming around like that time she did, but I feel like drawing back my contact is the way to go (like you said), but I won't cut it off entirely when she contacts me first just talking.

 

 

That really doesn't even make sense. As a guy, I have mostly friends that are all guys. I care about whether or not they are my friends and if my best friend started to get distant I would become upset and try to fix the situation. Are you saying that I should be indifferent about everybody? That's ridiculous.

 

I second that.

Edited October 9, 2013 by MBAFGE