Girl sees me as "just a friend", what do I do?

[MBAFGE]

I've been in this scenario for a while now. I'll try to summarize it as best I can. Apologies for the wall of text in advance.

 

I met this girl at a mutual friend's graduation party in late June of this year. We immediately hit it off. She is absolutely perfect to me in every regard. We secluded ourselves from the rest of the party, talking amongst ourselves the whole night. Turns out we went to elementary school together and didn't realize it. We were friends back then. I kept picking up subtle hints of her being interested in me as I was (steady eye-contact, facing me, hints of marriage with me, indirectly asking for my phone number, indirectly asking me to carry her to her car at the end of the night, which I did). A bunch of other people at the party pulled me aside and mentioned how she is "definitely into me". We exchanged numbers and began talking more into the upcoming weeks. We went to breakfast together us two. She visited me at work a bunch of times.

 

Eventually she had some problems around late July with someone at work who said he had feelings for her, and that "stressed her out". Contact with me dwindled to almost nothing, but random sparks of mixed signals got to me. I bluntly asked if we were just friends or was there potential for more (via texting, my last resort to save my piece of mind). She says how she sees us as just friends, how I am a great guy but she doesn't like relationships. After that, I dropped contact completely for a full month.

 

Now late August, she randomly texts me asking to hang out together. I was remaining distant and she came to visit me at work that very night. She gave me some serious mixed signals again, i.e. Standing ridiculously close to me, holding my hand for a bit, joking about marriage to me again, steady eyecontact, etc. That night, I was fed up and messaged her on Facebook saying how since she wanted to be 'just friends', she cannot send me any more mixed signals. She agreed, saying how it wasn't fair to me. We talked more into the night and got on the subject as to why she doesn't like relationships (she has never been in one before and neither have I). She said how she is 19 and doesn't want to waste the best years of her life being in something serious. She isn't ready for one, etc.

 

I drop more contact with her but she still wanted to hang out. We decide on going to lunch one day and she cancelled last minute (something she did a lot before). I was fed up and basically asked what the ****. Why make plans so much with me when 99% of the time, she cancelled. Turns out she has anxiety and she gets overwhelmed from stress, work, school, etc. I was completely sympathetic and she hasn't even told some of her best girl friends about her anxiety. I told her I would be here if she needed assistance with her anxiety and she was unbelievable grateful. She said it meant more to her than I could know, etc.

 

We talk a bit more through the upcoming weeks again (now early September). She invited to go to the mall with her and had a great time, just walking around talking. Doing typical things such as hugging, steady eyecontact,all that. As we were making plans to do something later that week, she randomly tells me that night she needs space from any male for a while. She got super scared because someone at her workplace has been harassing her consistently because he had feelings for her and wouldn't let up. She had to tell her manager. She told me it wasn't personal, how she just needed time to resolve this, and how she needed time to "assess how she treats guys". She said, and I quote:

 

 

"You're a nice guy, I see that but I have to be crystal clear when I say that I do not date and nothing you say or do will change my mind or feelings. I don't want that. I want friends. Only friends. One who won't pressure me to go out with them or tell me they have feelings for me and won't resent me if I don't return the affection and just don't date in general. I'm clearly doing something wrong. like I can't have guy friends. I hurt everyone and I get myself into more trouble. And by "you", I didn't mean [my name], by the way."

 

I was a bit hurt but said how I never would have known her answer about me if I never asked her out. She said "That's the thing, someone always likes me and there's always that hope. That's it. Watch When Harry Met Sally (only the beginning though. ignore the end.)"

 

After we talked a bit more, I ended contact... for two weeks. Last week, she texts me about something completely random. I was as distant as possible and she asked if we were okay. She said "I really want ot be friends again, and I mean that". I asked if everything was resolved on her end, because I refuse to go through this again. She said it was and then profusely apologized, saying how she never meant to hurt me.

 

 

 

 

So now we have been texting a bit. At one point when she was talking to me, she was responding instantaneously (very rarely happened with her) and she said "Can you tell how much I missed talking with you?" On and off, possibly planning lunch within the next few days. She mentioned to me (over Snapchat), that she wants to do a 'homework party' with me soon, as well as lunch. We were supposed to go today, but she had to study for her midterm.

I still want to be with her, but being just friends sucks. Her anxiety is an obstacle, but never a dealbreaker for me. I still think she is perfect (if a bit flakey), but still want to be with her. It is actually pretty similar to this thread:

 

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/romantic/dating/210965-she-just-sees-me-friend-don-t-know-what-do

 

 

So her birthday was a few days ago and before that week long hiatus, I told her I was going to draw her something for a gift (I'm an artist.) She got very excited and was thrilled about it. I drew something for all of my friend's birthdays. I've been done with it for a while, still waitng to give it to her, but our schedules have been busy

 

So my question is... what would I do? After I give her gift, should I take the advice of the above thread and drop more contact with her? What do I do here? I wouldn't want to cut her out of my life completely because we are such good friends and are so ridiculously similar and compatible, but I still really want more than that. Since she came back to me last week (after the hiatus), I have been remaining distant. Still reciprocate though. Should I try to follow what happened in the above thread? What do you guys think?

Edited October 8, 2013 by MBAFGE

[colombiana28]

I know the thought of not even being friends with her sucks, because after all you enjoy her company, right?

 

Unfortunately, it will drain you and leave you mindf-cked if you remain friends with her.

 

She will never see you as a sexual option. Look up "jumping ladders" in regards to the Ladder Theory. Us women separate very distinctly the list of platonics and the list of those we want to f***.

 

Slowly extricate yourself from her life. You don't need any sort of grand exit, just stop responding to texts immediately, fill your life with other fun things, stop hanging around her. The best thing would be to find some other romantic pursuit, but if that's not feasible, just fill your time with friends. Don't TELL her you have your own life, LIVE your own life apart from her.

 

I know she's cool and probably super pretty, but I PROMISE you you will be KICKING yourself down the road if you continue to be her *BFF*. Fair warning. Most likely you'll just want to forget about her period...but there's always that slight chance she might develop feelings for you, but ONLY if you completely ignore her.

 

signed, someone who had this chick's exact mentality for the duration of my early 20's

[coolheadal]

Keep her as friend then, in the girl friend zone. Now move on and find a girl who is ready to get to know you, and finally date you like your really intend for. Focus an be positive. You can also ask this girl friend zone for some suggestions to get your new girl friend. She'll come in handy for that stuff. We just can't have it the way we want at times. So at least this girl will be your friend only but and she was honest enough to tell you so. Don't let it get you down take this as learning experience.

[MBAFGE]

Slowly extricate yourself from her life. You don't need any sort of grand exit, just stop responding to texts immediately, fill your life with other fun things, stop hanging around her. The best thing would be to find some other romantic pursuit, but if that's not feasible, just fill your time with friends. Don't TELL her you have your own life, LIVE your own life apart from her.

 

That's the thing though. I am almost 20. Never had a girlfriend, never kissed a girl. I'm confident enough in myself to say I am attractive (and my peers say so as well). I want someone like me. What I mean is that she doesn't drink, do drugs, isn't slutty, is actually intelligent, and has similar interests to me... I guess what you would classify as a "good girl". Since you're in my age group, you know as well as I do that 99.9% of all kids in our age group either smoke, party, drink, etc. Finding someone like me (who doesn't do that) is extremely rare. That's why in my almost 20 years, out of the hundreds of people I have met, the only five people I have ever found with that mentality are me, my three best friends of 15 years, and this girl. Not only is finding someone who doesn't do that rare, but someone who is is the female version of me as well? And who I am actually attracted to? That's unique. And yes, she is drop-dead gorgeous to me, but that's the least interesting thing about her. Basically, finding someone else like this girl is dismal at best in the near future. Especially at the college I'm going to. My college isn't in the... best neigborhood, and I've looked. Anyone I have considered actually attractive is immediately heard as saying something like "Last night, I was so ****ed up". I don't like that, so my college for the next two years, and the one I'm transfering to for the following two, aren't going to hold anything and neither is my workplace. So I'll basically be 24-25, coming out of college, never had a girlfriend, never had a kiss before? **** like that gets me down, especially seeing the perfect girl right before my eyes, who is everything I could ever want in a girlfriend.

 

 

Edit

And it's not like I haven't tried looking for other women. During this time of no talking a few weeks ago, I went out with friends. I met some interesting girls. Some gave me their numbers. I thought that they could be someone to get me over this girl, but turns out each and every one has a boyfriend. Or is engaged. Or isn't who I thought they were (i.e., partiers). So basically most women who I would consider dating are taken, not to mention not even close to this girls level. So even if I can find someone who doesn't drink/smoke or avoids those dealbreakers for me (which I don't find unreasonable in the least), they will most likely be not as great as this girl. To me, once you have seen perfection, you have no where to go but down, or settle.

 

I know she's cool and probably super pretty, but I PROMISE you you will be KICKING yourself down the road if you continue to be her *BFF*. Fair warning. Most likely you'll just want to forget about her period...but there's always that slight chance she might develop feelings for you, but ONLY if you completely ignore her.

signed, someone who had this chick's exact mentality for the duration of my early 20's

 

That's why I have been distant recently. Before I asked her out, I did 100% of all contact initiation. Now since she came back and even before the hiatus, she does about... 75% of initiation. Is it delusional of me to keep thinking she might develop feelings for me? But I can safely say that if we are friends and she dates anyone else if I'm not over it, that will kill me. And I still want to be friends as well. We have more in common than any other of my best friends of 15 years. We get along together so well, it's scary. I wouldn't want to lose that either.

Edited October 8, 2013 by MBAFGE

[Phantom888]

Just be a real friend to her. Maintain contact. MAYBE when she is ready to date, she'd think of the one she trusts the most. You can't force these things. You can't convince her to change her mind.

[MBAFGE]

Keep her as friend then, in the girl friend zone. Now move on and find a girl who is ready to get to know you, and finally date you like your really intend for. Focus an be positive. You can also ask this girl friend zone for some suggestions to get your new girl friend. She'll come in handy for that stuff. We just can't have it the way we want at times. So at least this girl will be your friend only but and she was honest enough to tell you so. Don't let it get you down take this as learning experience.

 

It's really hard remaining positive though. In my above post about how difficult it is finding a "good person" as a whole, people keep telling me that the "better girl" will come along. That is really hard to believe. Like I said, I feel like that I would have to settle for someone who I don't hold as highly, once I have basically seen perfection. Not to mention I am tired of waiting. I want a relationship and have since High School. High school held no one, work doesn't and neither does my college. So how long will I have to wait? I found what I am looking for and MBAFGE can't have her. It ****ing sucks knowing that I have finally found someone I have been looking for, and can't have. And I have never felt this strong toward a girl before. I have definitely had my crushes before, but nothing like this. It sounds corny as ****, but I felt something special when she first walked into that party when we met. The only thing I have been able to rationalize it as was love at first sight.

 

 

She will never see you as a sexual option. Look up "jumping ladders" in regards to the Ladder Theory. Us women separate very distinctly the list of platonics and the list of those we want to f***.

That's absolutely crushing to hear. Not going to lie.

[I-Love-Liberty]

Dude you're 19, you're so money and you don't even know it, it's impossible in this day and age to not find someone else if you look. I would be pursuing other options. You ever think maybe she isn't into guys?

[MBAFGE]

Dude you're 19, you're so money and you don't even know it, it's impossible in this day and age to not find someone else if you look. I would be pursuing other options. You ever think maybe she isn't into guys?

 

I'm so "money"? Not sure if that is a good thing, but thanks I guess. And I highly disagree that it is impossible to not find someone like me. I'm speaking from experience. I have been looking since high school (at least 6 years now) and have found no one... except for this single girl. So I haven't had any other options, and won't for the foreseeable future (see my posts above, specifically #5 for my reasoning why). I've considered the idea that she wouldn't be into guys, but she is blunt enough that she would have told me this months ago when I first asked her out. Not to mention that our mutual friend (who introduced me to her at her party), she would have told me as well.

Edited October 8, 2013 by MBAFGE

[I-Love-Liberty]

When I said you're so money and you don't even know it. I meant it sounds like you have a self-defeating attitude when you probably have a lot more going for you than you think. Don't say you can't, because the truth is, you can. We all get exactly what we deserve because of our actions and our thoughts.

[MBAFGE]

When I said you're so money and you don't even know it. I meant it sounds like you have a self-defeating attitude when you probably have a lot more going for you than you think. Don't say you can't, because the truth is, you can. We all get exactly what we deserve because of our actions and our thoughts.

 

Gotcha. And I actually do have a lot going for me (I'm not trying to sound cocky). My friends say I am the nicest person they have ever met. I was runner up for "nicest person" in our high school graduation, as well as "most artistic" (which my grade said I should have won). Everyone I know loves me and I am very proud of who I am. Thanks for the reassurance.

 

I'm not saying I can't. But like I said before, prior to when I met this girl, I was always hopeful and positive I would find someone who is *somewhat* in my interest. But not like this. Finding someone who is perfect in my eyes in absolutely every regard? To me, it always sounded too good to be true. Once I have seen perfection, I just feel as if there is no where to go but down.

 

It's just that since someone who doesn't party or meet my dealbreakers in my age group is such a tiny percent in and of itself (if you are in my age group, you will understand), what are the changes of finding anyone like that in my college or soon future at all? Not to mention female, as well and what I would consider attractive, and who is also the female version of me? Bottom line is that I am absolutely confident in myself. I love who I am and her rejection didn't really change my personality (although I have been more sad since she rejected me), but I'm still myself. However, my problem is that this girl is basically 1 in a million for me. And since I have been looking, it seems like the changes of another girl like that is so tiny, I don't want to give up on her. Finding someone who is just a little like her and me is so small, finding someone exactly like her sounds impossible. Not being cynical, but from my experience, if I have ever found anyone remotely close to this girls level, I would have asked her out without hesitation (I have no problem with confidence or approaching women. I'm quite courageous and outgoing and all that). Since I have never found anyone at all even close to her level, it's hard being positive I guess that this mythical "better girl" will come along.

 

It's like (I hope you're a gamer for this scenario), you beat The Last of Us for PS3. To me, greatest game of all time. You then hear that there is a new game coming out. Would it top the greatest game of all time, but also be a unique experience like that, when nothing you have ever played has been close to it's greatness? You can't help but be skeptical and doubtful it will even compare. (wow, what a ****ty metaphor)

[Woop1337]

This woman playing your ego like a video game.

 

She breaks dates with you, she rejects you, and sends you mixed signals.

All she has to do is send you a couple of friendly texts, hug u, flirt with u a bit and all is forgiven. Yeah you stop taking to her, but you come right back.

 

No one is waving a gun, forcing you to answer her texts or to hang out with her. You're so sprung on this girl bruh, the word no is out of your vocabulary.

She must be very beautiful.

 

Also stop rationalizing this girl's behavior. Anxiety? Doesn't do dating? C'mon man, I bet you all those issues will be gone when the right man comes along. Delete her number and transfer out of that school. Because nothing romantic will ever happen between the two of you.

 

You go out there and you keep looking.

[Geoff756]

Hey OP, same exact thing has happened to me except I am older and it's been longer. I'm 27 and the girl I like is soon to turn 26. I have been "chasing" her for 4 years now. See my other post if you want to know the full story.

 

Basically though she says she doesn't want a relationship. She also says she's in the "prime" of her life. She likes to sleep around with friend with benefits which sucks even more when I know about them (not with me, of course!) She hasn't been in a relationship since high school and that was something like 8 or 9 years ago. She knows I like her but she says she only likes me as a friend.

 

I've decided throughout all this time I'd rather be a friend than nothing. We're best friends and I figure maybe one day when she is ready for a relationship, I'll be there. If not, at least I still have fun hanging out with her. It does hurt, not having her, but I think losing her completely would hurt more overall.

 

It's like playing hockey. You want to be on the top line because that's where the best players are. But if the coach puts you on the 4th line, do you quit the team and never play hockey again or do you still play because you love the game?

[MBAFGE]

This woman playing your ego like a video game.

 

She breaks dates with you, she rejects you, and sends you mixed signals.

All she has to do is send you a couple of friendly texts, hug u, flirt with u a bit and all is forgiven. Yeah you stop taking to her, but you come right back.

 

No one is waving a gun, forcing you to answer her texts or to hang out with her. You're so sprung on this girl bruh, the word no is out of your vocabulary.

She must be very beautiful.

 

Also stop rationalizing this girl's behavior. Anxiety? Doesn't do dating? C'mon man, I bet you all those issues will be gone when the right man comes along. Delete her number and transfer out of that school. Because nothing romantic will ever happen between the two of you.

 

You go out there and you keep looking.

 

It's funny. I deleted her number when we had that month long NC when she rejected me. Yeah, no one is waving a gun at me. I get that. We go to different colleges as well. But let's pretend that I never had feelings for her. Even as just a platonic friend, I wouldn't want to lose her.

If you found the woman you consider absolutely flawless, would you give up so easily? Yeah, they seem like a rationalizations (they are), but since I have dealt with people with anxiety before, it is a rationalization on my end. A good one at that. As for the whole "no dating" thing, yeah I agree. That struck me as odd. But the thing is, prior to meeting her, I felt the same way. Yeah I was looking for girls, but since I always came up empty, I figured it's not worth dating anyone because I haven't found anyone worth my time. Now that I have, I guess I was hoping I could be that exception for her. And also, I want to get out there and meet someone better than her. But read my previous messages to see why it's hard remaining positive in the whole "looking" phase of this.

[MBAFGE]

Hey OP, same exact thing has happened to me except I am older and it's been longer. I'm 27 and the girl I like is soon to turn 26. I have been "chasing" her for 4 years now. See my other post if you want to know the full story.

 

Basically though she says she doesn't want a relationship. She also says she's in the "prime" of her life. She likes to sleep around with friend with benefits which sucks even more when I know about them (not with me, of course!) She hasn't been in a relationship since high school and that was something like 8 or 9 years ago. She knows I like her but she says she only likes me as a friend.

 

I've decided throughout all this time I'd rather be a friend than nothing. We're best friends and I figure maybe one day when she is ready for a relationship, I'll be there. If not, at least I still have fun hanging out with her. It does hurt, not having her, but I think losing her completely would hurt more overall.

 

It's like playing hockey. You want to be on the top line because that's where the best players are. But if the coach puts you on the 4th line, do you quit the team and never play hockey again or do you still play because you love the game?

 

I'm sorry you're going through the same thing as me. It sucks. Anyway, I don't know if I could handle that. If I know that this girl for me is just sleeping around, that would drive me to drink (metaphorically speaking). Meaning, that would hurt me more than I could imagine. And if she starts to date someone too, same thing. Knowing all of that though, you're right. It isn't good losing a friend either, especially losing someone as great as her. It's like I'm stuck: either stay a friend and have both the potential for hope, but also horrible hurt, or lost a friend and feel like **** right now and have zero hope for change. Good luck with your scenario. I hope it works out for you.

Edited October 8, 2013 by MBAFGE

[Woop1337]

Romantic love isn't a switch. You can't be good friends with a woman then one day she's going to have an epiphany. All of a sudden she sees you in a different light. That stuff only happen in movies.

 

Of course, every other girl is undesirable in your eyes. Your highly interested in this girl. Everyone else is basic. Time needs to pass, then you'll be ready to be interested again in other people.

[oldshirt]

In a way you are being used and exploited. You want this girl romantically a d sexually but she has made it clear she is not romantically/sexually interested in you. And NO, there is NO reason to believe that will ever change.

 

So how are you being used??? She knows you are hooked on her and like her and will be at her beck-and-call. So she calls you to entertains her and to keep her company and to stroke her ego by telling her how cute she is and how great she is and because you do things for her.

 

The harm this is causing is not only the frustrations and the torment and the heartache but also the very real damage it is doing to your credibility with other girls as they see you as this hurt little puppy following her around getting used and exploited so it will automatically kill any desire they may have for you as well. An not only that the time and energy she is sucking out of you is time and energy you should be using to find some who will like you romantically.

 

You have to start thinking of her as a parasite that is sucking your time, energy and emotional as well as financial resources dry.

 

You may like her and want her but she is bad for you and doing actual harm to you.

 

Start thinking of her as a leech.

[heartshaped]

I think you need to get over this girl.

 

She doesn't want to be with you and time isn't going to change that.

 

You are hung up on her and have put her on a pedestal. She knows you like her as more than a friend, but she won't even give you the time of the day or the space to get over her. I honestly don't see what's so great about her. At the very least, she's a crappy friend. I would never hurt one of my friends who had feelings for me by giving them mixed signals or not giving them space to get over me.

 

Either she's naive and immature as can be (which is possible) or she's one of those women who feeds on having a bunch of men fawn over her who she doesn't really give a crap about. Either way, you need to cut her loose.

[Carenth]

There is no such thing as the friend zone, no one can put you in it. That implies that choice was taken away from you. You clearly have a choice and that is to be her friend or not. If you chose to be here friend when that is clearly not what you want, instead using it as an agenda to try and get close to her then it's all on you.

 

She has made it very clear that she is not interested in you that way. This may come as a shock but there is not always the option to be more than a friend. You can't force someone to have feelings for you and it's not a failure on their behalf if they don't reciprocate the feelings you have.

 

This is why I dislike the term friend zone so much. It shift the blame on to the other person for failing to reciprocate feelings they don't and probably will never have. In short shaming them for having the nerve to say "no I'm not interested" which is well within their rights.

 

Either you truly accept being friends with her and drop the woe is me act or using it as a secret agenda to try and escalate things. Or you remove her from your life if her friendship is that hard because of the feelings you have for her. Go and find someone who reciprocates your feelings rather than wasting your efforts on someone who doesn't

 

One of my best friends chased a girl for the better part of a decade since high school with the puppy dog routine. It honestly was one of the most pathetic things I've ever witnessed. He is a great guy, honestly he is but it was just sad and no matter how many times I told him to drop and move on he wouldn't. It became almost like "well I've invested so much time into this I better not give up now". About two years ago he finally had enough and gave up pursuing her and is a lot happier for it.

 

Make you own happiness, don't chase people who aren't interested in you. Don't shame them for not having feelings for you either.

[oldshirt]

So what to do about it?

 

One of two things. One is what the others have suggested and do what people do with leeches and pull her off and keep on trekking.

 

The other is to put her to work for you in helping you get more marketable in the sexual market place.

 

Tell her you accept that she won't date you and that you will stop trying to get in her pants. But that you need help in get to g yourself up to snuff so that you can date and and women IN HER LEAGUE.

 

It doesn't count if she tries to introduce you to one of her fat friends. She needs to give you some real-world guidance on how you can get yourself up to speed to where you can date and score with someone equal to her.

 

If she is really your friend she won't have an issue with that and will have you start hitting the gym, take you shopping for clothes, hair styles, teeth whitening g etc etc etc.

 

She also needs to start instructing you on how to act and be around women that will trigger their actual sexual desire and not just make them "like" you.

 

To women, liking someone and desiring them sexually are often two completely different things.

 

"Liking" you is what got you into the friendzone in the first place. You need to learn what makes their jay-jays tingle.

 

If she is actually your friend, she won't have an issue with that. If she balks at that idea or has an issue with it, it is because she wants to keep you as her little gay girlfriend and be her little errand boy and footrubber and her boy-bitch who hand her the hanky when the real break her little heart.

 

If she'll help you get into some other hottie' s pants, then she is worth keeping around as a friend.

 

If she won't, then tear the blood sucker off and throw her back in the water.

[MBAFGE]

In a way you are being used and exploited. You want this girl romantically a d sexually but she has made it clear she is not romantically/sexually interested in you. And NO, there is NO reason to believe that will ever change.

 

So how are you being used??? She knows you are hooked on her and like her and will be at her beck-and-call. So she calls you to entertains her and to keep her company and to stroke her ego by telling her how cute she is and how great she is and because you do things for her.

 

The harm this is causing is not only the frustrations and the torment and the heartache but also the very real damage it is doing to your credibility with other girls as they see you as this hurt little puppy following her around getting used and exploited so it will automatically kill any desire they may have for you as well. An not only that the time and energy she is sucking out of you is time and energy you should be using to find some who will like you romantically.

 

You have to start thinking of her as a parasite that is sucking your time, energy and emotional as well as financial resources dry.

 

You may like her and want her but she is bad for you and doing actual harm to you.

 

Start thinking of her as a leech.

 

That's the thing though. I am fully willing to try and ignore/remove these romantic feelings I have for her. I have been for a while now. But I really don't want to lose her as a friend. If I could just turn off these feelings I have, I wouldn't be having a problem. But I have been trying to and, as far as I can see, the only way I can officially get over these feelings would be if I find someone else. But as I have said multiple different times in this thread, I feel as if finding a girl isn't going to happen for a while. If you guys could recommend a place where I could meet a girl like this, please don't hesitate (I'm being serious). I honestly see her as a good friend (although you guys say no) and I think the problem on her end is that, yes you guys say she isn't giving me the time to get over these feelings. I'm thinking that she doesn't know I still have them/that I might have moved on already. There's no way she forgot about them, but the last time I talked about my interest in her was probably early-mid August. She might think I am over them. But getting over feelings on someone as great as her is difficult. I guess I am just too nice of a person to tell someone they "are a leech" and they need to **** off. I don't do that to friends. I hold her as one and I don't want to lose that.

 

 

 

 

I think you need to get over this girl.

 

She doesn't want to be with you and time isn't going to change that.

 

You are hung up on her and have put her on a pedestal. She knows you like her as more than a friend, but she won't even give you the time of the day or the space to get over her. I honestly don't see what's so great about her. At the very least, she's a crappy friend. I would never hurt one of my friends who had feelings for me by giving them mixed signals or not giving them space to get over me.

 

Either she's naive and immature as can be (which is possible) or she's one of those women who feeds on having a bunch of men fawn over her who she doesn't really give a crap about. Either way, you need to cut her loose.

She actually apologized for being such a "****ty friend" to me a few times because she cancels so much. But like I said, I accept that because of her anxiety. The reason I do (and I said this before), I have family members with it and I know they can me impulsive (such as canceling plans), difficult (like... well, cancelling plans), and make rash decisions without cognitive thought (like when she said she needed space from me. Although my best friends and the mutual friend between me and this girl said "why would anyone cut off contact with you? You are the most supportive and nicest person I have ever met!")

 

 

 

Romantic love isn't a switch. You can't be good friends with a woman then one day she's going to have an epiphany. All of a sudden she sees you in a different light. That stuff only happen in movies.

 

Of course, every other girl is undesirable in your eyes. Your highly interested in this girl. Everyone else is basic. Time needs to pass, then you'll be ready to be interested again in other people.

 

I know she won't all of the sudden have an epiphany. But I always got the feeling she liked me and was just not ready. The reason I said this was, when we were discussing her views on relationships over facebook around August (like I mentioned before), I said how I still feel the same way after she rejected me. She said, and I quote "Also, I didn't reject you. I just don't like relationships". That, with the constant touching/mixed signals/ and neutral third parties thinking the interest was mutual, I always was just hoping she was interested, but since she has never been in a relationship before, she didn't know how to act. I sound delusional, but I always felt like that. I told her on Facebook (in so many words), "No more mixed signals unless they are genuine acts of interest". Then after she comes back (like when we went to the mall together), those actions by her came back. She's not stupid, so there's no way she could have forgotten that I liked her. I just always had that glimmer of hope I suppose. And I sincerely want a relationship and find someone as good as her. I just feel like there isn't really any hope for that in my future, and I hate the feeling of being alone for another four years.

[Carenth]

You're not going to be able to be friends with her until you remove her from that mighty high pedestal you have her on. This also goes for you won't be attracted to other girls whilst you are having fantasties about a relationship with this girl. In your eyes she is perfect (which is never the case) and because you can't have her makes her more desirable. You need to remove her from your own life for your own sanity.

 

You are punishing yourself for no reason. Deluding yourself by telling yourself secretly she wants you but is not ready. No she has clearly stated she doesn't feel that way about you. Take her words seriously and move on.

 

I know it sucks but you aren't doing yourself any favors doing these mental gymnastics trying to find a way that she actually feels that way about you. Stop analyzing every little thing she says looking for a glimmer of hope. Accept the reality of the situation.

 

I'm not saying she can't be a good friend, she can be. If you are honest with yourself though the way you are feeling at the moment. You don't want to be friends and you will end up resenting her if you continue this friendship whilst you have these feelings.

 

Your feelings are not a light switch either you need to remove her in order to get perspective and move on from these feelings. If you keep engaging with her this will just reinforce and bolster those feelings.

 

Also you don't accept her being flakey because of her anxiety, you accept it because you want more with her. Hoping being a doormat will lead to that. I know anxiety and can be serious before you accuse me of being a dick. Honestly though you are using this to rationalize her bad behavior.

Edited October 8, 2013 by Carenth

[MBAFGE]

You're not going to be able to be friends with her until you remove her from that mighty high pedestal you have her on. This also goes for you won't be attracted to other girls whilst you are having fantasties about a relationship with this girl. In your eyes she is perfect (which is never the case) and because you can't have her makes her more desirable. You need to remove her from your own life for your own sanity.

 

You are punishing yourself for no reason. Deluding yourself by telling yourself secretly she wants you but is not ready. No she has clearly stated she doesn't feel that way about you. Take her words seriously and move on.

 

I know it sucks but you aren't doing yourself any favors doing these mental gymnastics trying to find a way that she actually feels that way about you. Stop analyzing every little thing she says looking for a glimmer of hope. Accept the reality of the situation.

 

I'm not saying she can't be a good friend, she can be. If you are honest with yourself though the way you are feeling at the moment. You don't want to be friends and you will end up resenting her if you continue this friendship whilst you have these feelings.

 

Your feelings are not a light switch either you need to remove her in order to get perspective and move on from these feelings. If you keep engaging with her this will just reinforce and bolster those feelings.

 

Also you don't accept her being flakey because of her anxiety, you accept it because you want more with her. Hoping being a doormat will lead to that. I know anxiety and can be serious before you accuse me of being a dick. Honestly though you are using this to rationalize her bad behavior.

 

You're right. I really am delusional, aren't I? I have to say, you're right again; I hate feeling like this. I want to move on from these feelings as quick as possible and find someone else. However, the thing is, I still want to be friends. I also kind of 'need' to be. She is in my circle of good friends, so it is an absolute fact that no matter what I do (whether it be to cut off contact slowly or rip it off like a bandaid on the dick), I will see her again. Period. I would rather it not be awkward, and also I don't want to lose a friend that we get along so well. So I would rather stay friends for not only that reason, but because she is a friend. And I still consider her a good one at that. You're right, she is flakey as ****, and anxiety can't really rationalize that (to an extent it can, but not this much). I mean, we had plans for lunch this afternoon, but she cancelled again to study for midterms. And they were her idea! I found a flaw, so that's one step down the pedestal. Thank you so much for helping me take her down a few notches (not just you, but everyone else here). It's a start to removing these feelings. I have been so lost in thought recently, and somewhat depressed since this happened and "mental gymnastics" is the good word for it. Is denial the right word? And the good thing is that when she asked for the space to get over the harassment she went through, I realized (and told her) that I needed space too. That space did help me look at things more objectively. I did see what she did was kind of ****ty. Somewhat excused, but not really.

 

And I wasn't going to call you a dick. You are right in that regard. She can't use that to rationalize everything, and neither can I. I am going to try to work over these feelings, but I can't just remove her from my life like you suggest. It just can't happen. If I can just figure out a way to get rid of these feelings more (or permanemtly), while remaining friends and seeing each other, I will be okay. I acknowledge she isn't perfect anymore (being flakey as all hell), but it's not enough. It's certainly a start, but not as much as I need.

 

I'm hoping I can find someone else too, hopefully on her level (not just looks, but her personality, and "good girl" personality as well) to get over this once and for all. It doesn't look too promising (as I have said multiple times in this thread), but I am thinking a bit more positively. Not much, but a little. Any suggestions as to where I can find someone like this? Sounds weird asking like this, but obviously my college or work isn't the best place (since I have had 0 luck). If I can find someone else, maybe I can move on and be just completely platonic friends, which sounds like the best route to go.

Edited October 8, 2013 by MBAFGE

[Carenth]

A few things I've learnt over the years. One you don't have to be friends with anyone, you certainly don't "need" to be friends with anyone. Even if they are in your friendship circle, you can be friendly and keep them at arms length.

 

You shouldn't be friends with anyone who is making you miserable even if it is not of their own doing. Partly I see it as her behavior and the other part your feelings with her. You are afraid to let go I understand that. You are afraid you might miss your "chance".

 

Delusional is probably the right word. It's the only way I could of described the behavior of my friends who were pining after a girl who wasn't interested. They would come up with all sorts of insane logic as to why they can't let go or why her behavior is excused. From an objective stand point these girls were being pretty ****ty friends. Or they simply were not interested and my friends just refused to accept that.

 

Even if you get along great with her it will be a toxic friendship until you stop seeing her as an option. This will require you to be somewhat distant or you can be like my friend chasing her for a decade.

 

There are other people out there. There are people who will treat you a lot better and will reciprocate your feelings. However I must stress this as well, if you are desperate for a relationship/girlfriend people will pick up on that. It's like a stench of desperation and desperation is the worse cologne you can wear.

 

All my of my relationships have being completely unexpected and when I wasn't looking for a relationship. It was when I was comfortable in my own shoes, with who I was. They occurred when I was honestly happy with being on my own and not wanting someone to fill a void.

Edited October 8, 2013 by Carenth

[Woop1337]

I refuse to believe your college doesn't have any cute girls.

 

I remember seeing in your post that you're an artist. So I'm going to assume you go to an art school. I'm sure your school is full of artsy hipster girls. I say you go holla at them. Try online dating, just do the free ones.

 

And stop with this friendship thing. Both of us know you have ulterior motives. Like I said time has to pass, before you can see her in a different light. Answer this hypothetical question. If she kissed you, would you push her off?

Edited October 8, 2013 by Woop1337

[Carenth]

Woops last line is a great test about how you really feel about her. My female friends who are truly my platonic friends. I would be very much what the effing **** if they tried to kiss me.

 

I very much doubt you could say with a straight face that you just want to be "only friends" with this girl. More accurately put you will be friends with her because it is all she is offering.