I think I made a big mistake...

[Simon Phoenix]

Thanks. That was my thoughts really. I just don't want to get my hopes up too much.

He seemed ok with the break up but he was hurt by me not speaking to him afterwards. I can understand that.

 

I did tell him I wanted to try again. He didn't reject it but he did say he didn't want to talk about it.

 

I know I risk some pain but I caused him pain so I guess I need to take that risk.

 

Thanks for advice both x

 

Good luck. I mean, I disagreed with you pretty vehemently on some things you said in the other thread, but I definitely hope you can find peace in this whole thing. Sounds like he's wanting to see if you are serious about wanting to get back and making sure that you aren't playing him. So who knows, maybe try what sun1972 suggested and see how it goes. Whatever you do, don't mess with the guy's head though.

[sun1972]

Yeah i agree it could be awful going that route..

 

But she ended it, he didnt.. so he is hurt, wondering if the same will happen again.

 

To me it all is down to how much she wants him back, whether she is willing to risk potentially being hurt.

[Simon Phoenix]

Yeah i agree it could be awful going that route..

 

But she ended it, he didnt.. so he is hurt, wondering if the same will happen again.

 

To me it all is down to how much she wants him back, whether she is willing to risk potentially being hurt.

 

I agree. I'm definitely thinking that your way is the best way to show that she's serious. In the other thread I got on her about being unwilling to do the work and take a risk -- if she was willing to do this, I definitely wouldn't think that way about her anymore.

[strive]

I think what we all wanted her to do is what every dumpee would want their dumper to do: move mountains. Because that's the only way a dumpee would ever see a dumper's true sincerity in reconciling.

[sun1972]

I think what we all wanted her to do is what every dumpee would want their dumper to do: move mountains. Because that's the only way a dumpee would ever see a dumper's true sincerity in reconciling.

 

as a dumper trying to get a dumpee back, i agree with this...

[emz23]

So update:

we didn't get back together.

We text a few times and spoke on the phone. Then we met. All was really nice. I then asked why he didn't want to talk about "us".

He said that I really hurt him and that he'd done a lot of moving on and didn't want to bring up the old emotions.

I told him that I wasn't playing him and that I wanted us to get back together. I told him I'd do anything for us to be together again and that I loved him and missed him.

He said I really hurt him when I wouldn't even respond to his friendly messages. I explained my reasons and he said he understood but that in that time we didn't speak he'd pushed me out of his head and moved on with his life and had never expected to hear from me again.

I asked him about the other girls. He said they were just casual dates and had no bearing on his decision. (He has broken it off with both now anyway).

I asked how he felt about me he said "I still love you, but I don't trust you and a relationship without trust isn't a relationship".

He's right of course.

He said he needs "someone who'll stick by him when things get hard and not abandon him when he faces tough decisions".

Probably fair enough although I have learned my lesson.

 

So now we are friends. We go for drinks or coffee or lunch every couple weeks. I saw him before Christmas and we wished each other a merry Christmas and a happy new year. I got a kiss on the cheek before he left to visit his family. Have seen him once since he came back. It's a little strange for me but I am OK with it.

 

I'm not sure why I'm writing this down. I guess I just wanted to finish my story.

 

Lesson here: don't panic, make sure you are really sure before you let them go. I will learn it for next time

[Simon Phoenix]

Sorry to hear that. But you're right, you will learn from this for the next time. How is being his friend going though? Seems like a tough situation.

[jphcbpa]

thanks for the update. very proud of you for sharing and telling him how you feel. big stuff and lots of growth on your part.

[emz23]

Thanks.

 

Being his friend is ok. It's a bit strange but like I said all along he is a good guy and rather have him in my life than out of it. He is clearly less open with me now than he was. He doesn't share as much deep stuff but is friendly, funny, chatty, caring and honest with me, which is what I'd expect from my friends. I guess he doesn't share anything deeper as he doesn't trust me with his feelings any more.

When we spoke he said "I know it's hard to be friends with someone you've been more with, but I will happily be friends with you if you want to."

He basically left it for me to decide and said he'll understand either way. We have been out 4 times since and I think it's got easier each time.

 

We spoke about us each dating other people: he was up front and said that he wasn't actively looking for anyone right now, but was open to the idea of meeting someone else if it happened (hence not reactivating his online dating). He has a lot on and is just focusing on other aspects of his life...so he says. I think I will be ok with it when he does as I like seeing him happy.

He said he has no problem with me dating if it makes me happy. I'm not sure I am ready though and I also have a lot of pressure going on at work etc.

 

The thing I am slightly kicking myself over is that I had doubts straight away but I wanted to stick to my decision like a stubborn idiot. He tried to reach out and I didn't trust myself to not to change my mind so I ignored him and hurt him even more. In that time he pushed me out of his head and moved on. No point dwelling on that now though as I can't turn the clock back.

Edited January 8, 2014 by emz23

[Trick1004]

Thank you also emz,

 

I appreciate you sharing with us your situation.

 

Best of luck,

 

Trick