I think I made a big mistake...

[strive]

2fargone is right. Go straight to the point of why you're initiating contact again. With your small talks, all he's thinking is 'why the **** is she contacting me again?' and he'll always be in the defensive.

 

Always remember the key to this: show genuine desire for reconciliation. But if you yourself aren't sure this is what you want. Then back out now and leave him alone.

[lollipopspot]

I wonder if he is better off without me

 

That's for him to decide, not you.

 

If you keep doing this, he probably will decide that. But you and I don't know if he's there yet.

[emz23]

2fargone is right. Go straight to the point of why you're initiating contact again. With your small talks, all he's thinking is 'why the **** is she contacting me again?' and he'll always be in the defensive.

 

Always remember the key to this: show genuine desire for reconciliation. But if you yourself aren't sure this is what you want. Then back out now and leave him alone.

 

 

I see what you're saying but he seemed OK with the small talk. He was really friendly and relaxed and seemed fine to be talking to me when we were just chatting. We were both laughing and joking around. When we got onto "us" he got short with me and said he didn't want to talk about it.

Any ideas what he means when he said "it's in the past". Does that mean I have no chance as our relationship is in the past or does that mean I may have a chance as long as I don't bring up the past?

[Simon Phoenix]

I see what you're saying but he seemed OK with the small talk. He was really friendly and relaxed and seemed fine to be talking to me when we were just chatting. We were both laughing and joking around. When we got onto "us" he got short with me and said he didn't want to talk about it.

Any ideas what he means when he said "it's in the past". Does that mean I have no chance as our relationship is in the past or does that mean I may have a chance as long as I don't bring up the past?

 

You need to put on your "big girl" pants and tell him exactly how you are feeling and what you want. Stop beating around the bush. He might say no, but if you are the one who dumped him and you are serious about wanting him back, you need to say so. He might say no, but he'll know where you stand and knows where to find you if he reconsiders. But just toeing around it like a scaredy cat isn't going to get you where you want to go.

[2fargone]

I see what you're saying but he seemed OK with the small talk. He was really friendly and relaxed and seemed fine to be talking to me when we were just chatting. We were both laughing and joking around. When we got onto "us" he got short with me and said he didn't want to talk about it.

Any ideas what he means when he said "it's in the past". Does that mean I have no chance as our relationship is in the past or does that mean I may have a chance as long as I don't bring up the past?

 

 

 

I it was me, I would be ok with smalltalk. Just to see where it goes. When you would start 'explaining stuff' I might say it's in the past, meaning whatever happened happened.

 

 

Still doesn't mean I wouldn't want you back, as long as you're clear about it. The smalltalk would get on my nerves eventually, because it's probably not what I want to hear.

[emz23]

I called him again and he didn't answer but rang me back yesterday.

 

We talked and again were having a good chat and lots of laughs. Then after about an hour I told him I thought I was hasty in breaking up with him and that it was a mistake and I still had feelings for him.

 

He said "I ring you back because I like talking to you and I've missed it. If you can't stop dragging all of this up then I will stop calling you back. It's painful for me and I don't want to talk about it. If we can just talk normally then I will keep in touch with you."

 

He then seemed annoyed and ended the call.

 

I know that seems a bit mean when typed out but he was actually just nice but firm on the matter. He wasn't angry but then he never gets angry.

 

Is the general thought on here now that I have no chance to get back with him?

[Simon Phoenix]

I called him again and he didn't answer but rang me back yesterday.

 

We talked and again were having a good chat and lots of laughs. Then after about an hour I told him I thought I was hasty in breaking up with him and that it was a mistake and I still had feelings for him.

 

He said "I ring you back because I like talking to you and I've missed it. If you can't stop dragging all of this up then I will stop calling you back. It's painful for me and I don't want to talk about it. If we can just talk normally then I will keep in touch with you."

 

He then seemed annoyed and ended the call.

 

I know that seems a bit mean when typed out but he was actually just nice but firm on the matter. He wasn't angry but then he never gets angry.

 

Is the general thought on here now that I have no chance to get back with him?

 

Either you have to say straight out that you want him back or you have to leave him alone. Stop beating around the bush.

[emz23]

I did.

He said he didn't want to talk about it and if I kept mentioning it he would stop responding to me.

[2fargone]

I did.

He said he didn't want to talk about it and if I kept mentioning it he would stop responding to me.

 

 

Uhm, no... you said you still have feelings for him... Look at it this way, he sais he has feelings for you too, you say '.... but I can't try again with you'... Hurt all over...

 

Let me spell it out for you: You have to say 'I am sorry I made a mistake and I want you back'....

[strive]

I called him again and he didn't answer but rang me back yesterday.

 

We talked and again were having a good chat and lots of laughs. Then after about an hour I told him I thought I was hasty in breaking up with him and that it was a mistake and I still had feelings for him.

 

He said "I ring you back because I like talking to you and I've missed it. If you can't stop dragging all of this up then I will stop calling you back. It's painful for me and I don't want to talk about it. If we can just talk normally then I will keep in touch with you."

 

He then seemed annoyed and ended the call.

 

I know that seems a bit mean when typed out but he was actually just nice but firm on the matter. He wasn't angry but then he never gets angry.

 

Is the general thought on here now that I have no chance to get back with him?

Maybe because you didn't get straight to the point and actually told him the real reason why you're calling?

 

You chatted first, made him feel relaxed and comfortable. He was thinking it's all good, he didn't need his defenses up because you're just there to be friends. Then bam you suddenly talked about the past and his defenses suddenly slammed down and became twice as strong. He's angry/annoyed/etc. because you made him think that you're just two friends catching up. He wasn't ready to talk about the past but there you were suddenly wanting to open up old hurts. So now he's thinking, what kind of game are you playing his time?

 

My advice is give him a heads up that this is what you want to talk about before actually talking about it. Give him time to think of what he wants to say to you, or even react to this news on his own without you trying to read into every reaction he makes.

 

Or if you really really think he's done, let him go. Nothing you can do anymore.

[emz23]

I already told him I'd like to try again, I just didn't type out the full conversation.

 

On the first call I tried. He interrupted me mid-sentence and said: stop talking, it's in the past and I don't want to discuss it.

I didn't specifically tell him I wanted to try again that first time we spoke because he didn't let me. He wouldn't even let me finish apologizing for how I'd treated him recently.

 

The second time he let me say it (that I made a mistake and we should never have broken up, I still had feelings for him and that I'd like to try again) and then said he wouldn't talk to me if I kept bringing it up and that he had already told me the previous time we spoke that he didn't want to discuss it.

 

Much as I appreciate the well intended advice, the more I've pressed the matter the more he's pulled back. The two times we've spoken now it's fine until I mention "us". Then he noticeable goes quiet and short with me. He doesn't want to talk about it and I now get the impression I'm on my last chance of bringing it up before he stops responding to me. I don't want that. If he doesn't want to talk about it then I won't press him. He respected my wishes to be left alone the last couple months and now I will respect his to just talk normally to him.

 

All I wanted really was a bit of an interpretation of the man-speak as i don't know what he meant.

 

1) it's in the past; all over finished; I feel nothing

or

2) if he was saying lets just leave it all in the past and start from now.

 

Obviously I hope he meant the second one. I want to manage my expectations on this one though.

[2fargone]

You can't manage your expectations because you base them on his intend.

 

 

You shouldn't even have expectations. You either see where it goes or you walk away.

 

 

Let me add this : I find it hard to believe that anyone could seriously claim feelings are totally gone. They are either managed or unmanaged. That is no guarantee for anything though.

[Simon Phoenix]

Do you want a relationship with him or do you want to be his friend? What's the point of your communication from your perspective at this point?

[emz23]

I want a relationship with him.

The point of communication I guess is to build a foundation so we can have a relationship.

 

I know I hurt him and I'd understand if he didn't want to speak to me but he does seem ok with casual conversation. I guess I'd be ok (not thrilled but ok) with friendship if that's all he was prepared to offer now.

[Simon Phoenix]

I want a relationship with him.

The point of communication I guess is to build a foundation so we can have a relationship.

 

I know I hurt him and I'd understand if he didn't want to speak to me but he does seem ok with casual conversation. I guess I'd be ok (not thrilled but ok) with friendship if that's all he was prepared to offer now.

 

If you want a relationship with him, you have two plays a) just come over the top directly and say that you want to get back with him and that you made a terrible mistake or b) back off for a while and let him have some time away from you to get over the details of the breakup on his own. If he says no you have to respect that no.

 

If I'm correct, he's not initiating any of the contact right now is he? He's just responding when you start it?

[emz23]

No he's not initiating but then I broke up with him and effectively ignored him for 2 months and I wouldn't expect him to. He seems fine about me contacting him though.

I know I have to make the running here I just don't want to keep bringing up things that annoy him/push him away. He has already told me he doesn't want to talk about it and I want to respect that.

My plan is to stay in light hearted contact. Keep talking to him and hopefully meet up soon. At some point when we're on good terms again I will see if he's open to the idea of us. He already knows that's what I want despite him pretending that part of the conversation didn't happen so it's not like I'm coming back into his life with the intention of just being his friend.

 

I've already done a) and I will do b) if that's what he wants.

[lollipopspot]

My plan is to stay in light hearted contact. Keep talking to him and hopefully meet up soon. At some point when we're on good terms again I will see if he's open to the idea of us.

 

That seems like the best plan, given what you've written.

 

Frankly it sounds as though you both have horrible communication skills though, so you're probably better off apart. You didn't communicate with him well during the break-up, and he can't seem to be clear with you now. I find the whole thing too frustrating even to read...

[Simon Phoenix]

No he's not initiating but then I broke up with him and effectively ignored him for 2 months and I wouldn't expect him to. He seems fine about me contacting him though.

I know I have to make the running here I just don't want to keep bringing up things that annoy him/push him away. He has already told me he doesn't want to talk about it and I want to respect that.

My plan is to stay in light hearted contact. Keep talking to him and hopefully meet up soon. At some point when we're on good terms again I will see if he's open to the idea of us. He already knows that's what I want despite him pretending that part of the conversation didn't happen so it's not like I'm coming back into his life with the intention of just being his friend.

 

I've already done a) and I will do b) if that's what he wants.

 

Have you really done a? From what you've written it seems like you beat around the bush a lot instead of coming straight out and saying what you want. You can try a) one more time with no beating around the bush and then go with b if he says no.

 

However, I don't see you being able to do that. If he's not initiating at all and he's not receptive to talking about the relationship, you'd be a lot better served leaving him alone for a while UNLESS you are cool with purely being a platonic friend. But trying to wiggle in as a friend right now if you want more won't work. You are more likely to get friendzoned than be successful. Either way, I don't think he trusts you at all.

 

It sounds as if he's being polite and friendly when he talks to you, but he's not seeking you out. Maybe if you backed off for a few months and let him get work past the breakup on his own, you might have success down the road. He can't really process the breakup if you continue to hang around.

[Simon Phoenix]

That seems like the best plan, given what you've written.

 

Frankly it sounds as though you both have horrible communication skills though, so you're probably better off apart. You didn't communicate with him well during the break-up, and he can't seem to be clear with you now. I find the whole thing too frustrating even to read...

 

Yeah, there's definitely a communication breakdown between these two. She's not very direct and he seems to want to avoid the conversation. I honestly think some time off (like a few months) could do these two wonders. There's just too much baggage right now that's interfering with things.

[sun1972]

A bit of background... We met online 11 months ago. Him 30, me 27 (Female).

Things went really well and even though we both had busy lives we got on great. We did so much cool stuff together. He is a climber and we talked about going (although I was too chicken I did go and watch!), we went walking, went to water parks, cinema, lakes, mountains, bars and lovely restaurants. Everything was exciting and great.

I went on holiday and when I came back things just felt different. We met and went canoeing up a river. He seemed really distant and not himself. He was usually really funny and always cracking jokes and winding me up but we met and he was kind of a little uptight. He was usually really passionate and despite him hugging and kissing me the same, he didn't ask me to stay over with him like he usually did.

So a couple days later we got talking and he said he was worried as he has a great opportunity for a new job....but it would involve our relationship becoming long distance and I tell him i can't do this due to how busy I am. He says he can't turn down this job if he gets offered it and he seems upset but says he understands. He always did understand and was just generally so lovely to me but I took this as a bit uncaring.

So I got home and cried all night and came to the decision that I didn't like him enough for a distance relationship. I came to the conclusion that this meant that I didn't like him enough in general. I also think of how distant he was with me the previous time we met and how he could have told me that time rather than just being distant. Next day I told him it was over. He said I would never find anyone who would make me happy if I just ran away as soon as things got a little difficult. He said I should reconsider and at least give it a try but I had made my mind up. He hugged me and wished me all the best and then I left and cried more at home.

 

This was about 3 months ago. In the first month he text me a couple times. I was really confused as I still wasn't sure if breaking up with him was the right thing to do but I wanted to stick to it and not mess him around. The first text just asked how I was getting on. I replied that I was ok and hoped he was ok too. He text back saying how great he was doing and how he was loving his new job and making loads of new friends. I didn't reply as it upset me how quickly he moved on from me... I know I shouldn't be upset as I finished with him but I took this hard. I saw on his Facebook pictures of him out having fun with people, of his climbing, of him skydiving(!) and he just looked so happy. It hurt me and I blocked his feed but still checked him out sometimes. A couple weeks later he text again to say he was visiting for the weekend and asked would I fancy meeting up. I didn't reply as I really was confused about how I'd feel about seeing him again (I didn't trust myself as I didn't want my feelings to confuse him when he seemed to be doing well). Another couple weeks later he text me again saying he had been offered an even better job and would be moving back to our home town. Again I didn't reply as I just didn't know what to say.

So now another 6 weeks have passed and I haven't heard from him again. I know he moved back as I saw his Facebook and recognized a few places he'd been out too. We don't really have any mutual friends so I don't see him around. I'm really wondering about my decision. He was great; funny, intelligent, handsome, athletic, adventurous, successful, well traveled and really sweet and caring. I've met nobody like him since. I have been on first dates with a couple guys from online but they are not even a patch on him and neither went further. I see he has kept his online profile deleted (does this mean anything?)

 

My Questions:

Maybe his distant attitude really was down to the job? Did he really take moving away that smoothly or was he just acting cool? Does the fact I wouldn't enter a long distance relationship show that I didn't like him enough?

 

What do I do now? Should I contact him and tell him I'm reconsidering my decision? He seemed really happy the last time I heard from him so should I just leave him to his new life? Have I already ruined everything by not replying to his attempts to contact me? I don't know if he is seeing anyone else but someone like him won't take long to have plenty of offers! Have I made the biggest mistake of my life?

 

thanks for advice x

 

Contact him, the distance is no longer an issue, be casual initially..chat a little, coffee maybee..

 

In this scenario id 100% go for it.

[emz23]

That seems like the best plan, given what you've written.

 

Frankly it sounds as though you both have horrible communication skills though, so you're probably better off apart. You didn't communicate with him well during the break-up, and he can't seem to be clear with you now. I find the whole thing too frustrating even to read...

 

I admit my communication skills leave a lot to be desired. But we live and learn and hopefully I'll do better in the future.

 

I disagree about his though. His are actually very good. I think it's understandable after the way I treated him that he doesn't want to talk about it right now. Maybe he will given time and once he can see that I'm genuine.

 

I agree Simon. I don't think he trusts me either. To be honest he's a good guy and if he just wanted to be friends then I'd be ok with that. I'd want more but I know I can't expect it after how I treated him.

[Simon Phoenix]

I admit my communication skills leave a lot to be desired. But we live and learn and hopefully I'll do better in the future.

 

I disagree about his though. His are actually very good. I think it's understandable after the way I treated him that he doesn't want to talk about it right now. Maybe he will given time and once he can see that I'm genuine.

 

I agree Simon. I don't think he trusts me either. To be honest he's a good guy and if he just wanted to be friends then I'd be ok with that. I'd want more but I know I can't expect it after how I treated him.

 

I would make extra sure you are ok with that. Could you handle him dating someone else and him either a) telling you about it or b) introducing you to her? If either of those would make you uncomfortable, I would not advise being friends with him.

 

If you have actually directly told him you want him back (not that you still have feelings, not that you miss him, but that you unequivocally want him back) and he has rejected it, I'd back off and make sure you can do the platonic thing. And maybe he needs more time to forgive you and you can "kick the tires" again in a couple months. And maybe by then you'll be completely cool with a platonic friendship as well.

[sun1972]

emz : so sorry i replied without reading the whole thread.

 

If you really want him back, and have already said you want him back, and he doesnt want to discuss it here is what i would do

 

keep in touch, he seems to like talking to you at least, and the attraction will still be there

 

Keep it light, make him laugh, show him the side he fell for originally

 

At some point invite him for a coffee, but not to discuss getting back together, just to have a nice talk

 

Take it from there.. think of it as building a new relationship, not rekindling the old one.

 

But like simon said, be aware this could cause a lot more pain for you..you could think your getting somewhere..only to see him dating someone else

[Simon Phoenix]

emz : so sorry i replied without reading the whole thread.

 

If you really want him back, and have already said you want him back, and he doesnt want to discuss it here is what i would do

 

keep in touch, he seems to like talking to you at least, and the attraction will still be there

 

Keep it light, make him laugh, show him the side he fell for originally

 

At some point invite him for a coffee, but not to discuss getting back together, just to have a nice talk

 

Take it from there.. think of it as building a new relationship, not rekindling the old one.

 

But like simon said, be aware this could cause a lot more pain for you..you could think your getting somewhere..only to see him dating someone else

 

Yeah, it's not the best strategy if there's any emotional angst. If she was a dumpee I would advise 1000 times not to do this. But since she's a dumper that's something that I'd leave more to her. Maybe she has to go through the ringer a bit to prove herself to him. Maybe that would show him that she's serious and not just trying to use him as an emotional tampon.

[emz23]

Thanks. That was my thoughts really. I just don't want to get my hopes up too much.

He seemed ok with the break up but he was hurt by me not speaking to him afterwards. I can understand that.

 

I did tell him I wanted to try again. He didn't reject it but he did say he didn't want to talk about it.

 

I know I risk some pain but I caused him pain so I guess I need to take that risk.

 

Thanks for advice both x