Friends...How many of us have them?

[HopingAgain]

There have been a few threads over the past months where MM/MW have been cheating with their BS's best friends, or close friends and acquaintances.

 

For people who are reconciling with their WSs, even if their OP was a stranger to you, has the WS infidelity affected the way you view friendships and boundaries? And for those who have had experiences where you were a WS and cheated with a friend or acquaintance of BS, what have you changed as far as your personal boundaries go?

 

In my first marriage, my WH slept with my former best friend, it was not an affair, more a ONS thing, but it did affect the way I handle my friendships and boundaries. I kept my friendships strictly separate from my relationships from then forward. My current H and I are very sociable, but I just simply don't "hang out" with him and my friends. We have mutual friends, mostly on his side that we all hand with as couples, but as far as MY personal friends, I keep that separate from my marital life and always will now. And I am fine with it and prefer it that way.

 

My prior experience and what I have seen and read about has definitely colored my view on mixing personal friendships and marital relationships. Sometimes I miss the carefree way I used to be in that regard, but I don't miss all the potential for real and not imagined drama that results from people having piss poor boundaries and acting on them.

[PoopHappens]

Both my wife and I have had a lot of opposite sex friends through our long marriage. Some of which my wife was jealous of and some not. Some of her male friends I was jealous of and some not. I never worried though. Jealousy is a complicated emotion. I trusted my wife and she trusted me. Thinking of having sex with your neighbor or wife's friend is one thing, and I dare anyone to say they only ever think of their spouses in this way, and actually doing is are two different things. I wouldn't want a relationship where I would cut off or be cut off from communicating with half the population because of what I think I might want. This is where mutual respect and consideration and trust and all the other important traits kick in and you decide that even if your work mate is playing footsies with you that you will pretend like it was an accidental bump. You go home and don't mention it and perhaps smile to yourself that someone else still finds you attractive. But you don't take them to the broom closet and have sex. Or like in my wife's case bring them to our house and go out and have dinner and return while her husband and kid's are at her in-laws doing some building for them.

[HopingAgain]

Both my wife and I have had a lot of opposite sex friends through our long marriage. Some of which my wife was jealous of and some not. Some of her male friends I was jealous of and some not. I never worried though. Jealousy is a complicated emotion. I trusted my wife and she trusted me. Thinking of having sex with your neighbor or wife's friend is one thing, and I dare anyone to say they only ever think of their spouses in this way, and actually doing is are two different things. I wouldn't want a relationship where I would cut off or be cut off from communicating with half the population because of what I think I might want. This is where mutual respect and consideration and trust and all the other important traits kick in and you decide that even if your work mate is playing footsies with you that you will pretend like it was an accidental bump. You go home and don't mention it and perhaps smile to yourself that someone else still finds you attractive. But you don't take them to the broom closet and have sex. Or like in my wife's case bring them to our house and go out and have dinner and return while her husband and kid's are at her in-laws doing some building for them.

 

Yes, we both have always had opposite sex friends too. That's not really the issue I'm getting at though, although I can see where you are coming from.

 

It's not so much as cutting off communications with opposite sex friends, or even same sex friends, as its about creating a buffer zone. Due to my own past experiences in that area with people who had crappy boundaries, I simply am not comfortable mixing my personal friendships with my marital relationship. I think this goes beyond jealousy.

[compulsivedancer]

Yes, we both have always had opposite sex friends too. That's not really the issue I'm getting at though, although I can see where you are coming from.

 

It's not so much as cutting off communications with opposite sex friends, or even same sex friends, as its about creating a buffer zone. Due to my own past experiences in that area with people who had crappy boundaries, I simply am not comfortable mixing my personal friendships with my marital relationship. I think this goes beyond jealousy.

 

I'm still trying to figure this out. I'm still not 100% sure how to handle this. I have three male roommates, and I have always been careful to have boundaries, not to hang out with them in their rooms, not to share a couch, etc. Maybe THAT was the first boundary I crossed with OM. Hanging out with him in his room.

 

I don't know.

 

I know H thinks about his friends differently now. He doesn't have the blind faith and trust in them that he once did. Before, he was okay with me going and hanging out with OM alone, and he would tamp down feelings of jealousy because he trusted us both. Now I could never expect that from him.

[cocahouts]

I don't trust anyone that comes by my house anymore. I don't think I'll invite anyone over for awhile......My Paranoia is going to be on high alert for some time. Sorry I go way off topic for a little bit.

 

I caught my wife with my best friend and hid the knowledge for about 3 weeks before I told my wife. I had lawyered up the day after I found out and was told because I used a voice recorder, in my state even in my house was illegal to do and I would get in trouble in court if I presented it. They told me either a P.I. or nanny cam would insure adultery if she tried to fight it. 3 weeks I was setting them up, basically gave my friend the green light to come over when I wasn't home, etc etc. This made me sick to death. But after I caught them I bugged my whole house, audio and video and even though he would come over they would usually talk about the other spouses in a worried way. I couldn't figure it out.

After questioning my wife she quickly spewed out all the info and more than I had even knew. It was horrible.

 

I bought a stupid self help book but have to say it really helped me look at things differently. This was before I found this site and I hate to say this site both helps and hurts me. There are a lot of negative people out there, for good reason but when you're looking for hope it can be discouraging. The book has a ton of different ways to look at things.

 

What I'm getting at about a friend, neighbor, or someone close by. The WWS, way ward spouse, the cheater gets involved with this other person because of proximity. They don't need to be attractive, younger, older, trophy wife, etc. But because they know them, share ideas, feelings they become comfortable with them. Usually the guy thinks of comfort as sex and .... I hated how my wife always told me that my friend was to old, ugly, chewed, sounded mentally ill. Then ended up with him. After she came clean and told me every detail, everything....she never enjoyed it with him. She painfully told me how much more fun it was to be with him and how he made her feel, but the sex wasn't what she wanted. Still no excuse!!!!!!

 

My only comfort in this is she wasn't out sleeping with random people, ONS would be easier to forgive but I bet the repeating ONS are higher than emotional affairs.

 

I'm about 60 days in from the day I caught them, about 40 since I confronted her. I can't sleep, I wake up at random times thinking of ways to get revenge or worse. No worries I'm not that stupid. I also lost 50+ pounds(only good thing so far about this) and constantly have horrible thoughts during the days about them together. Therapy has helped and we are working to fix our issues. But I don't think I will ever be comfortable with another Male near my wife.

[Owl]

My wife's EA with an online friend/acquaintance hasn't changed my view on friendships or boundaries...but it most certainly has changed hers.

 

She didn't understand boundaries well before...didn't truly 'get' why they were needed...until she crossed them.

 

She "gets it" now. She's far more cautious about what she shares with whom. Much more distant with her interactions with opposite sex friends/acquaintances than she was.

[Stillscared]

It's only been 2 months from d-day but since his AP was a co-worker, I'm struggling to even imagine him going back to work at another job (He quit his job the day after d-day) as I fear any proximity with other women threatens me. I know I have to get over it. Long term, I feel hopeful we'll be able to have friends, couples and not worry. I'm just not there yet.

[Raena]

My situation hasn't affected my friendships in a negative manner. It has actually brought me closer to my best friend, causing us to text message with each other almost daily where we would go months without talking to each other before. She lives in another state and we rarely get to see each other anymore. But, this has brought us closer. It has also brought me closer to my co-workers too. We are a pretty small group of people and in the past I always kept my personal life separate from my professional life. But when this happened... they all knew something was wrong right away (even though I tried to hide it) and asked me if there was anything they could do to help. They ended up giving me a card with notes of encouragement in it and a gift certificate for a massage.

 

What it has done however is make me think that there are certain things I will ALWAYS have trouble with from this point forward in my romantic relationships. I know now that I will never be able to be in a committed relationship with a man who works evening or nights for one.

 

Affairs do effect your ability to trust others. For me, it isn't my female relationships that it has affected... it's the male ones that will always be an issue for me.

[d0nnivain]

My prior experience and what I have seen and read about has definitely colored my view on mixing personal friendships and marital relationships. Sometimes I miss the carefree way I used to be in that regard, but I don't miss all the potential for real and not imagined drama that results from people having piss poor boundaries and acting on them.

 

 

I can't imagine how devastating it must be to realize & come to terms with the fact that you were betrayed twice. After experiencing that I can see why you decided to separate the two aspects of your life.

 

 

I have had the opposite experience in my life, in that I know I can trust my friends with my guy & they trust me with the men in their lives. We joke around & flirt all the time. Other people have told us they thought we crossed lines; since we were OK with our behavior, we ignored them.

 

 

In one such incident, I was running my fingers through my friend's BF's hair because he just got it cut really short. My husband was standing about 2 feet away. Some woman I didn't know started yelling at me to get my hands off my friend's BF because he has a GF. I started laughing & acted shocked, asking the BF "is it true? do you have a GF?" About an hour later I walked into another area of the party with my husband & this woman was now ranting to my friend about this b1tch (me) who was trying to steal her BF. My friend was listening to her but when she pointed at me & said that's her, my friend immediately relaxed. The other woman couldn't understand why my friend wasn't upset. My husband brushed passed them to get something & my friend reach out & grabbed his butt, joking that since I had been playing with her BF, she was going to play with mine. I just shrugged. The woman said something to my husband, who wrapped his arms around my friend, shrugged & said, "when I met them they told me they share everybody. Who am I to object?" The horrified woman left the room.

 

 

On other occasions I have done things with my friend's BFs & husbands, even if my friends weren't there including watch football games, go to fireworks, go to parties, go to bars, etc. My husband (& past BFs) have engaged in similar activities with my friends without me there.

 

 

I have the utmost confidence in my close friends. I can't imagine having that trust betrayed.

[Leaving]

In the beginning when the affair between my STBX and former child friend was discovered I was an emotional wreck on the verge of saying **** it and giving up,but as time passed I started coming around until I got where i'm today the same person I was a year ago with a bubbly personalty and a kind heart and soul who enjoying life and having fun.

 

Probably will not I have a friend I will be close to like me and my former friend were,but I do look forward to making new friends along the way

[experiencethedevine]

My wife's EA with an online friend/acquaintance hasn't changed my view on friendships or boundaries...but it most certainly has changed hers.

 

She didn't understand boundaries well before...didn't truly 'get' why they were needed...until she crossed them.

 

She "gets it" now. She's far more cautious about what she shares with whom. Much more distant with her interactions with opposite sex friends/acquaintances than she was.

 

This is exactly the issue in many cases. Boundaries are either non existent or unclear.

 

My husband's affair began many moons ago with a chance meeting at work. The woman was touring the facility with a group and approached him afterward. Of course he was terribly flattered by the attention, but instead of politely saying thanks but no thanks, the rest is history.

 

Now he knows that boundaries are what protect a relationship even in the most extreme situations. If a woman approached him now batting her eyelashes and so forth, he knows how to keep a professional and personal distance. I have actually witnessed the change in his demeanour both physically and psychologically in situations where he becomes uncomfortable, making a positive statement of withdrawal.

 

It is a requirement in my professional life to observe ethics and maintain confidential information, and this carries into my personal life as a consequence. Friendships are naturally governed by it in this case.

 

If ones moral compass is out of kilter, then this muddies the boundaries of friendship and professionalism and does indeed become unstable ground. Along with tenuous communication skills the combination has all the elements enabling the crossing of boundaries to land one in very, very hot water.

[cocahouts]

I can't get over that my best friend did this to me... now all I want to do is smash his face in every time I happen to see him, or a similar car. My wife didn't push any of the blame on him and knows what she did was wrong.

 

 

The part that burns me the most...now that me and my wife are talking and putting everything out there is this bastard started pursuing her over a year ago, we have only been friend for about 2. He started slow, texts here and there. Played if off as he needed advice about his wife and as a friend I wasn't the wiser. As their AE started, even just as friends he would listen to my concerns and things that I found that were strange. He was my friend as I thought...he then told my wife everything I told him so they started sneaking around with message programs, coordinating schedules, etc.. He knew what pissed me off.. then suggested my wife try it to make me jealous and vise versa.... He pitted us against each other. B@STARD!!!

 

 

You brought up a great point....BOUNDRIES

My wife and I have been fighting for about a year over boundaries and spying on each other. We didn't have them for our "Friends"

 

 

I don't think I'll ever be the same....I was in being treated for Depression before all this happened. Now Double Whammy. I'm going to be screwed for quite some time.

[experiencethedevine]

I can't get over that my best friend did this to me... now all I want to do is smash his face in every time I happen to see him, or a similar car. My wife didn't push any of the blame on him and knows what she did was wrong.

 

 

The part that burns me the most...now that me and my wife are talking and putting everything out there is this bastard started pursuing her over a year ago, we have only been friend for about 2. He started slow, texts here and there. Played if off as he needed advice about his wife and as a friend I wasn't the wiser. As their AE started, even just as friends he would listen to my concerns and things that I found that were strange. He was my friend as I thought...he then told my wife everything I told him so they started sneaking around with message programs, coordinating schedules, etc.. He knew what pissed me off.. then suggested my wife try it to make me jealous and vise versa.... He pitted us against each other. B@STARD!!!

 

 

You brought up a great point....BOUNDRIES

My wife and I have been fighting for about a year over boundaries and spying on each other. We didn't have them for our "Friends"

 

 

I don't think I'll ever be the same....I was in being treated for Depression before all this happened. Now Double Whammy. I'm going to be screwed for quite some time.

 

You are quite correct. You will never be the same.

 

However, through the horror of this trauma, you will develop skills that equip you with the capacity to understand the consequences of what happened and to enable you to move forward enlightened and wiser than you ever thought you would become.

 

The most gargantuan change will be your ability to take a step back when meeting new people and allowing yourself time to assess a situation with a different perspective.

 

You will recover from this terrible trauma, and you will most certainly have gained insight and sagacity.