MrLoving Posted October 8, 2013 Posted October 8, 2013 So me and my GF met about a year ago. We hit it off really well from day 1 and dated for 8 months. Over these 8 months me and her had a great time together, we both admit to never loving someone else as much as we have loved each other. The problem is though is that she is my first girlfriend and it has caused a lot of insecurities in me in terms of the relationship. These insecurities have led me to breakup with her 3 times now. The first two we got back together right away like the next day or within the week. But this last breakup I really wanted to move on because I didn't want to hurt her ever again and I just didn't know if the relationship is what I wanted since she is my first GF. I realized the toll that the breakups were having on her and so I never planned on wanting to get back together with her this 3rd time. This 3rd breakup though has been going on for a month now. For the first 3 weeks she agreed and wanted to try just being friends because I really wanted that. I feel that she was doing it for the first 3 weeks because she wanted to get back together. Now, leading up to the 4th week I have begin to realize that I ****ing love this girl and she honestly is the best friend I have ever had in my life - no exaggeration. I have tried talking to other girls and tried moving on but I realize that I made a huge mistake. She is the best friend I have ever had, I told her this, and she said the same back to me. On the 4th weekend I really opened up to her and let her know that I want to be back with her and that she means the world to me. She says she loves me and misses me but she is having a hard time forgiving me. She is having a hard time forgiving me for breaking up with her as well as she doesn't trust I won't do it again. I've tried telling her over and over that I have learned my lesson and I would never do it again but she is having a hard time believing me. Over the past week of trying to win her back we have talked a few times. The first talk was 4 hours long, the second one was a couple hours, then we went out to dinner together (she called me and asked me to go). But everytime we hang out and talk it turns into me being sad and depressed the whole time and trying to tell her how much she means to me and how I have learned my lesson over the past month and that I really do love her and I never want to lose her again. She is the best friend I have ever had. I really don't want to lose her. My plan right now is to just send her a few friendly texts a day - just things like have a good day or good morning. I also have a long handwritten letter that I want to give to her. Am I being to clingy about this whole thing? She says that I push her away sometimes when I get too much in her face with wanting to hang out and stuff, which I recognize now, and I'm going to try harder to respect her boundaries. In short, I love this girl like ****ing crazy. She is the best friend I've ever had and the only girl I've ever loved. She says the same back to me. But she has a hard time giving me this third chance because she doesn't trust me. How do I go about this situation? She initiated hanging out twice now. But she still hasn't forgiven me and hasn't taken me back yet.
Mascara Posted October 8, 2013 Posted October 8, 2013 No, you don't love her. You're a classic commitment-phobe... pulling away, then when it looks like you might lose her, you "love her" again. Rinse and repeat. If you did it once, that's enough. Lots of people DO have one wobble, but they learn from it. You, however, keep doing it. So harsh as this might seem... do this girl a favour and stay away from her. You only want her because you haven't got her. If you get back with her, you'll do exactly the same thing again. Guaranteed. 2
Author MrLoving Posted October 8, 2013 Author Posted October 8, 2013 The 3rd time I brokeup with her I basically told her exactly how I felt. I told her it was my first relationship and that I honestly don't know if I'm in a good relationship or a bad one and it's something that I can't get off my mind. I couldn't get it off my mind. I had been dating her for 8 months but towards the end I was looking at other girls and basically I realized that I was thinking in terms of the the grass is always greener and I'm realizing that now. She said she respected what I thought and that she kind of knew what she was getting herself into with her being my first girlfriend and the girl I lost my virginity to. were both 21 btw But yeah, like I said, I realized over the course of the month after the 3rd breakup that she was awesome. We were awesome together. We have so many things in common and we got along great. There were some pretty bad fights. But for the most part we were great together. Another thing that I think is interesting is that right now I'm thinking about how awesome the relationship was and she told me last night that she can't stop thinking about all the negatives... probably because she got so hurt from me breaking up with her all the time. I feel like a complete ******* and idiot because of all this!
Author MrLoving Posted October 8, 2013 Author Posted October 8, 2013 No, you don't love her. You're a classic commitment-phobe... pulling away, then when it looks like you might lose her, you "love her" again. Rinse and repeat. If you did it once, that's enough. Lots of people DO have one wobble, but they learn from it. You, however, keep doing it. So harsh as this might seem... do this girl a favour and stay away from her. You only want her because you haven't got her. If you get back with her, you'll do exactly the same thing again. Guaranteed. I've wondered that about myself whether or not I have commitment issues.. But even if I do.. couldn't I still love her? I honestly do love this girl. We were able to do pretty much anything together and have a good time.
Mascara Posted October 8, 2013 Posted October 8, 2013 Look, at 21 you SHOULD have commitment issues. She's your first girlfriend, of course you want to play the field a bit. My post wasn't a criticism of that, it was a criticism of the fact that you can't keep her on the back burner while you do. Or while you keep changing your mind about whether you should or not. It's my belief that at 21 you should. But that means doing it like a man, and not messing her around any more. 1
Author MrLoving Posted October 8, 2013 Author Posted October 8, 2013 Look, at 21 you SHOULD have commitment issues. She's your first girlfriend, of course you want to play the field a bit. My post wasn't a criticism of that, it was a criticism of the fact that you can't keep her on the back burner while you do. Or while you keep changing your mind about whether you should or not. It's my belief that at 21 you should. But that means doing it like a man, and not messing her around any more. Ohh okay I see where your coming from now. I do feel terrible for doing this to her and shes even told me that she isn't going to just sit on the back burner while I make up my mind. I truly feel I've made up my mind this time though. I'm realizing how big a mistake I made. I literally threw away the best friend I've ever had and not only that I hurt her and destroyed all the trust she had in me. I really wanna fix this and I don't ever wanna breakup with her again. on a side note - I don't mind harsh words. I need the cold hard truth, so I thank you for that.
Mascara Posted October 8, 2013 Posted October 8, 2013 You may find each other again in a few years. But this itch you've got isn't going to go away. Each time you break up with her, she'll dislike you a little more. So if you're going to go back, make sure you no longer have "grass is greener" syndrome. Otherwise, part on good terms.
Author MrLoving Posted October 8, 2013 Author Posted October 8, 2013 You may find each other again in a few years. But this itch you've got isn't going to go away. Each time you break up with her, she'll dislike you a little more. So if you're going to go back, make sure you no longer have "grass is greener" syndrome. Otherwise, part on good terms. Your definitely right. I don't think I could ever even bring myself to expect her to even respect me in the slightest bit if I were to breakup with her again. Most of her friends are telling her that she shouldn't get back together with me, but she does what she wants and still sees me. I want to get back together with her and never leave her side again. I guess I'm just having a hard time knowing the fine line between what is enough contact to let her know I care and what is too much and is going to push her away..
deathandtaxes Posted October 8, 2013 Posted October 8, 2013 I want to get back together with her and never leave her side again. That's fear talking.
Author MrLoving Posted October 8, 2013 Author Posted October 8, 2013 That's fear talking. Hmm interesting.. A fear of what though?
Phantom888 Posted October 8, 2013 Posted October 8, 2013 You haven't really decided on what you want. You are only 21, inexperienced, so it's better that you are single and get more life experience. You are not likely to stay together forever, even if she takes you back. Learn from this experience and move on...with your dignity intact. Fundamentally you have no resolved the issue you had prior to the breakup, so you will likely breakup with her again when your doubts surface. Your subconscious is telling you that you are not ready, and that's okay. Young people are allowed to date and experience life. Nothing is set in stone. Looking back, I would be surprised if any girl believed a 21 year old boy's words. I think you should be friends. If you like her that much, give her the space and respect to find happiness. You are not equipped to give her that yet. I know it feel like the end of the world, but you have a lot to look forward to. The 1st GF is always the one you remember most.
deathandtaxes Posted October 8, 2013 Posted October 8, 2013 Hmm interesting.. A fear of what though? Fear of rejection. Fear of not being able to find somebody else. And it's causing you to hold on for all you're worth. You have to learn to let you go. Letting go is one of the hardest things.
Author MrLoving Posted October 8, 2013 Author Posted October 8, 2013 I think you guys are hitting the nail on the head to be honest. I think I'm gonna have to loosen up on caring about this whole situation altogether and work on bettering myself. You guys are awesome by the way! The cold hard truth is what I've been needing. Thank you everyone 2
deathandtaxes Posted October 8, 2013 Posted October 8, 2013 I think you guys are hitting the nail on the head to be honest. I think I'm gonna have to loosen up on caring about this whole situation altogether and work on bettering myself. You guys are awesome by the way! The cold hard truth is what I've been needing. Thank you everyone What you're going through, most of us have been through. You find somebody you really like, that you love even. And then it goes sour. And you're left holding the bag. And you freak the **** out! And you get all desperate and clingy and needy. Wait until you're on the other side, when you want to end things, or have ended things, with somebody that just won't let go. It's still not pleasant. You just have to be certain in your actions.
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