candie13 Posted October 8, 2013 Posted October 8, 2013 to get out of a toxic relationship and move on? I mean really move on, as a single individual? My last relationship was limping for the first 6 months, we'd been on and off for the next two months, had the break up, but then he kept persuading me to give in another chance, for two more months - until this week, really. So it's been 4 months that I am struggling with this dead end thing. I KNOW it is my fault. At the beginning, during months 6 and 8, we'd be fighting hard and he's make these great promises which he never kept. Because, when he had to deliver, I would "freak him out":sick:. But then... the last 2 months... really, I have zero excuses. It's just that he keeps coming back, luring me with the promise of an exciting future... that never arrives, really. And I've invested so much in him, that I sort of kept hoping that I'd win, just like those gambling addicts, saying to themselves: "this is it. it's the last time. This time I'm going to win or totally leave this". Total waste of time and emotions. Well, at least we didn't kiss or become intimate after the break up - month 8. So I am just curious about your journey. When did you shake that toxic relationship off, what changed so that you became able to do that? When did you not only act like a single person, but saw yourself as a single individual, enjoying your life, by yourself?
KatZee Posted October 8, 2013 Posted October 8, 2013 My last relationship was extremely toxic to me. Not only the relationship itself, but my ex's friends were very toxic to me and our relationship. My ex became increasingly emotionally abusive towards me. I was with him for almost 3 years and at the end of our relationship he had me fully brainwashed that I was the reason for all of our problems, it was MY fault his friends didn't like me, I was the one who never tried hard enough. He never acknowledged anything good I did for him or for us, all he did was harp on the one thing I did wrong. He cheated on me with his ex girlfriend (full on sex a few times) and he never took full responsibility. He lied to me up and down throughout our relationship, he allowed his friends to talk about me behind my back, he allowed them to disrespect me to my face. In one instance he told me that I wasn't "bending over backwards far enough" to get them to like me. This was after one girl was making bets with the entire group how long it would take for him to dump me. They were straight nasty, vile, immature, toxic, and horrible people. Instead of standing up for me, he would back them, and say that they had been around the group longer so they were allowed to act that way. At the end of our relationship I was virtually nothing. I was walking on eggshells as to not upset him because if I did, he would be passive aggressive. He would ignore me for days. He would be nasty and rude to my face and then he would come back as if nothing happened. He would rip the carpet from under me saying he wasn't happy, we weren't meant to be together, he criticized my life, my job, my friends, my behaviors... he would make me feel like garbage and then he'd say, "oh but I love you and I don't want to throw this away." So he always kept sucking me right back in and I always had hope it would work out. So when he finally dumped me (as if he had the reasons to dump ME!!! hah!) I was a shell of a human being. I had no voice, I had no confidence, no self-esteem, I truly believed everything was my fault, that I was flawed, I was the one who needed to work on myself. It was really pathetic how low I was and how far he beat me down. After a few months I finally woke up and realized that the only reason he always put me down and made me feel inferior was because he had issues with himself. He had no job, so much debt, credit problems, was living at home with his parents, no car, and I had a good job, good credit, a savings account, I was moving into my own apartment, I had a car... everything I was, was everything he wasn't and he hated that. The only way he felt he could control it was to bash me and bring me down. It probably took me 8-9 months to "be over" my ex. And by that I mean finally past the anger stage, finally past waking up and feeling crappy and thinking about him. It was probably at the 12 month mark where I genuinely enjoyed my life, and being single. I'm 17 months post break up and I'm JUST coming into myself and really figuring out who I am as a human being now. I have so many goals now. So many things I want to do and accomplish. I'm having a BLAST! I love life, I love where I'm at, I'm pursuing goals, and am so glad to be out of that relationship and away from those soul sucking people. 1
truth_seeker Posted October 8, 2013 Posted October 8, 2013 My last relationship was extremely toxic to me. Not only the relationship itself, but my ex's friends were very toxic to me and our relationship. My ex became increasingly emotionally abusive towards me. I was with him for almost 3 years and at the end of our relationship he had me fully brainwashed that I was the reason for all of our problems, it was MY fault his friends didn't like me, I was the one who never tried hard enough. He never acknowledged anything good I did for him or for us, all he did was harp on the one thing I did wrong. He cheated on me with his ex girlfriend (full on sex a few times) and he never took full responsibility. He lied to me up and down throughout our relationship, he allowed his friends to talk about me behind my back, he allowed them to disrespect me to my face. In one instance he told me that I wasn't "bending over backwards far enough" to get them to like me. This was after one girl was making bets with the entire group how long it would take for him to dump me. They were straight nasty, vile, immature, toxic, and horrible people. Instead of standing up for me, he would back them, and say that they had been around the group longer so they were allowed to act that way. At the end of our relationship I was virtually nothing. I was walking on eggshells as to not upset him because if I did, he would be passive aggressive. He would ignore me for days. He would be nasty and rude to my face and then he would come back as if nothing happened. He would rip the carpet from under me saying he wasn't happy, we weren't meant to be together, he criticized my life, my job, my friends, my behaviors... he would make me feel like garbage and then he'd say, "oh but I love you and I don't want to throw this away." So he always kept sucking me right back in and I always had hope it would work out. So when he finally dumped me (as if he had the reasons to dump ME!!! hah!) I was a shell of a human being. I had no voice, I had no confidence, no self-esteem, I truly believed everything was my fault, that I was flawed, I was the one who needed to work on myself. It was really pathetic how low I was and how far he beat me down. After a few months I finally woke up and realized that the only reason he always put me down and made me feel inferior was because he had issues with himself. He had no job, so much debt, credit problems, was living at home with his parents, no car, and I had a good job, good credit, a savings account, I was moving into my own apartment, I had a car... everything I was, was everything he wasn't and he hated that. The only way he felt he could control it was to bash me and bring me down. It probably took me 8-9 months to "be over" my ex. And by that I mean finally past the anger stage, finally past waking up and feeling crappy and thinking about him. It was probably at the 12 month mark where I genuinely enjoyed my life, and being single. I'm 17 months post break up and I'm JUST coming into myself and really figuring out who I am as a human being now. I have so many goals now. So many things I want to do and accomplish. I'm having a BLAST! I love life, I love where I'm at, I'm pursuing goals, and am so glad to be out of that relationship and away from those soul sucking people.
LuvsTrucks2 Posted October 8, 2013 Posted October 8, 2013 After getting out of a very bad marriage from my first husband, it took me a total of eight years to finally feel free, independent and have the want and desire to give men a chance. I hope it doesn't take you that long.
carhill Posted October 8, 2013 Posted October 8, 2013 So I am just curious about your journey. When did you shake that toxic relationship off, what changed so that you became able to do that? IME, the process generally took six months to a year, though a bit longer with my M, which had some markedly toxic components prior to my EA. I think, in the latter case, the road to acceptance, which for myself is the primary component of 'moving on', was clouded by my own reflection, guilt and self-doubt over my own actions, lengthening the period of accepting both the toxicity of the relationship as well as the terms of its ending. When did you not only act like a single person, but saw yourself as a single individual, enjoying your life, by yourself? Probably related, time varied, generally relevant to the emotional investment and attachment. As I don't consider a new relationship prior to achieving significant signs of neutrality, this period is generally longer and more outlier to the average person, defined by those in my age group and demographic. Also, as a male, it's far easier to remain single as women don't generally make romantic or relationship approaches in my age group/demographic, so one merely needs to adopt a neutral, even if friendly, stance and it's quite easy to remain alone. That's worked really well and contributed to an overall positive feeling. I would say the main difference has come about with age, possibly combined with being divorced. Prior, after awhile, I desired having another partner. After having sufficient experience with that, and being married, that desire is largely gone. Perhaps, if I move to an area which has single women, and one stands out as being a positive influence on my life, that perspective might change. For now though, the timeline to 'wanting to date' is indeterminate. 1
AlliceInWL Posted October 8, 2013 Posted October 8, 2013 My worst relationship lasted a year. It took finding out he had another girlfriend for the majority of our relationship to feel comfortable about it being over (I found out 2 months after we broke up). Then, it took 2.5 years and another relationship to really be over it.
Author candie13 Posted October 8, 2013 Author Posted October 8, 2013 so... if the relationship lasted for one year, how come it took you 2.5 to get over it? Did he not leave you alone, did you have doubts, did you two decide to try again, what happened?
Author candie13 Posted October 8, 2013 Author Posted October 8, 2013 Four years! that's huge... It took me over two years to get over my big ex, with whom I've stayed 7 years. Luckily for me, in this last relationship, also highly toxic, I've invested little. No holidays together, no anniversaries, no gifts - from him to me, I mean, no flowers, nothing but lots of plans and lots of disappointment . I know that makes me lucky. The most difficult thing, right now, it just stop trying, because he will never change. Keep backing out, keep the distance, yet keep coming back. This time must be the right time.
Author candie13 Posted October 8, 2013 Author Posted October 8, 2013 IME, the process generally took six months to a year, though a bit longer with my M, which had some markedly toxic components prior to my EA. I think, in the latter case, the road to acceptance, which for myself is the primary component of 'moving on', was clouded by my own reflection, guilt and self-doubt over my own actions, lengthening the period of accepting both the toxicity of the relationship as well as the terms of its ending. I find myself a lot in that last phrase. I am also guilty of over thinking and self-doubt. Also, because the main reason why this relationship did not work is not linked to me, but to my ex. If he were less afraid, if he decided to let me in, if he opened up... which is why resisting him was hard. People never change, so I guess that makes us incompatible. I am really mad at myself for not having stayed stronger, for not having trusted myself more. My ex was very convincing. Also, as a male, it's far easier to remain single as women don't generally make romantic or relationship approaches in my age group/demographic, so one merely needs to adopt a neutral, even if friendly, stance and it's quite easy to remain alone. That's worked really well and contributed to an overall positive feeling. I agree. A lot of men preying on women who are vulnerable, out there. I know first hand - but I got a lot better at sensing those b*stards out. I would say the main difference has come about with age, possibly combined with being divorced. Prior, after awhile, I desired having another partner. Well, I am 33 and never married. I do hope to be well again, soon, in a few month, maybe during springtime, with a bit of luck. After having sufficient experience with that, and being married, that desire is largely gone. Perhaps, if I move to an area which has single women, and one stands out as being a positive influence on my life, that perspective might change. For now though, the timeline to 'wanting to date' is indeterminate. Carhill, you sound like a wonderful man. From a 33 years old woman to a more "experienced" gentleman... as time goes by, neither of us is getting any younger. You've done your mourning, you've jotted down the key learnings from your M... move on. Meet someone. Go out there and try again. It would be a pity to not meet someone, I am sure you'd enjoy the change. I say move out, or go out, or whatever... start living your life. I understand the allure of your safety zone, but it keeps you alone, and the other outside - fully. Outside your life. In a way, that makes me think of my ex, he was always hesitant, so reluctant to change, so very much aware of whatever had the potential of hurting him. Unfortunately for him, also he is a warm, wonderful man deep down, he prefers to stay centered on himself. He prefers to stay put. Still. Almost blocked inside his safety zone. And I am done waiting. So given that he keeps me outside his heart, I need to be outside his life, as well. I won't be 33 forever.
Author candie13 Posted October 8, 2013 Author Posted October 8, 2013 After getting out of a very bad marriage from my first husband, it took me a total of eight years to finally feel free, independent and have the want and desire to give men a chance. I hope it doesn't take you that long. I wasn't married and we weren't together for 8 years. I did become needy and a bit co-dependent on him and he did waste almost a year of my life. I wish I did get more rational, with age, when it comes to my relationships. I'm lacking patience, but learning my lessons the hard way.
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