Chenault Posted December 3, 2004 Posted December 3, 2004 I'll make the synopsis as brief as possible. My b/f and I broke up a few months ago. He said he wanted me in his life and asked if we could still be friends. I told him that I needed a little time first. Although I had initiated the breakup it hurt alot. I loved him but I felt shut out of his life and couldn't handle it anymore. We didn't talk for about six weeks until I called to see how he was doing. I was trying to do the "friend" thing plus I missed him - like I said, I really did love him. We talked and it was great. He offered his help with proofreading papers for the semester and it really seemed like he had meant what he said about being friends. Anyway, I've called and left messages for him a few times and sent him a b-day card but he never returns my calls. He has called twice during this time (I missed both calls), but well after I've left messages etc. Here's my theory on all this: Either he's trying NC b/c he wants to move on and just called b/c he was feeling weak or he just simply wants nothing to do with me. Any input on how the male mind works would be appreciated. I've read some posts here and it seems like the guys get just as hung up on break-ups as women do, but for some reason I can't get it out of my head that he just hates me now and I don't want that. I miss talking to him.
Jilly10340 Posted December 3, 2004 Posted December 3, 2004 What I would do was call him one more time and leave a message telling how you feel. Tell him that he never seems to return your calls and you feel as if he wants nothing to do with you. Tell him if he feels this way you understand and won't call him anymore but if he does want to continue to be friends then give you a call. I would leave it at that. That leaves the ball in his court. If he wants to be friends, he'll call. If he really does hate you, he won't call. I know you don't want him to hate you, but if he does you don't want that in your life anyway, right? There's really nothing you can do, it's up to him. But i would at least give him the two choices so he can decide. If he doesn't call, you know how he feels and you can move on.
alphamale Posted December 3, 2004 Posted December 3, 2004 Well you broke up with him so this is what u wanted. Now, why do you want to be friends with him? I have never understood this female mentality. He is smart and is most likely trying to get you back and using NC to its full effect. I never have stayed friends with and ex. Or, maybe he has moved on alrady.
Chenault Posted December 3, 2004 Posted December 3, 2004 Yes, I initiated the breakup, but it was more complicated than that. In the end I made it clear that I loved him but things weren't just working right then. But HE was the one that insisted on trying to remain friends. I, too, have never remained friends with an ex before. But he often does. I don't get it. How does no contact get someone back? If that's what he's doing, what happens next? If he's moved on, I'll have to deal with that. But why insist that he wants to remain friends? Why call at all? I really don't understand. I suppose I should just take Jilly's advice and see what happens. I'd really like to understand what's going on.
Chenault Posted December 3, 2004 Posted December 3, 2004 Okay, here's the very breezy-toned message I left for him, tell me what anyone thinks: Hey *****, it's *****. What’s going on? You know, I don’t think either of us are doing very well at the whole being friends thing. I haven’t talked to you in forever - and frankly, I miss talking to you. So, unless of course you hate me with the white-hot passion of a thousand suns and you’ve given me a nickname like “the ******” - which would really suck - give me a call so I know you’re alive, okay? The nickname thing is something I got from this friend that calls him sometimes that he gave a disparaging nickname. Any feedback??
Jilly10340 Posted December 3, 2004 Posted December 3, 2004 I think that'll do. There was no begging and hint of humor. Very nice
Chenault Posted December 3, 2004 Posted December 3, 2004 WOW!!!! Apparently I left the right message! He just called me. That took just over an hour. Of course, I was WAY too chicken to answer it - and the irony of that is not lost on me, believe me - but he left a nice message and told me that he was catching dinner and then would home @ 7 and to give him a call. Now I just need to settle down and center myself a little. I am, of course, going to call him back later. Thanks, Jilly. Your advice was on the money and I'm glad I took it. Look for me again - I'm sure I'll be posting some more - especially since this worked out so well. Glad to be among you. Wish I had a place like this earlier!
Jilly10340 Posted December 3, 2004 Posted December 3, 2004 Good! I'm happy for you that he called. Keep us posted on what happens!
Chenault Posted December 4, 2004 Posted December 4, 2004 Well, there is an update already. He called just after 7. We chatted about about work and school and little stuff. He's catching up on some relaxation time tonight and asked me what I was up to - which is nothing big. Here's the thing. He asked me to call him later tonight because he had "some things I want to ask you about". I have no idea what he wants to ask me about. None. And, frankly, it's making me a little uneasy. Any wise words here??
dangler Posted December 4, 2004 Posted December 4, 2004 i really dont get you women. you break up with him, ---it's not working right now.... The "just be friends" stuff is a natural comeback from him because you probably knocked him in the dirt when you broke up. Maybe he feels he has a lot of emotional investment in you, and thats tough to just dump all of a sudden. maybe after time he has realized this and is doing the NC deal, as time is the great healer and he wants to slowly ease away from you , like friends do after awhile and its no big deal that you dont hear from them in a while. there is always a deep resentment after a breakup by the dumped party---maybe its just a natural protective respose or something, but i agree with a previous poster that the "friends" thing with a former SO never works. There is always a feeling of being second best or used merchandise. what you want now are the benefits of his company without the responsibility or demands of a relationship that rest with you. you got what you wanted-(the breakup)---now you want what you dont have--(the contact)----and then when your mind games work and he probably still cares enuf to not want to hurt you, and makes the call, you dont even have the class to answer what you initiated. so you are playing phone tag because you must be so spastic that you have to get your head together---you havent thought of what you were going to say if he called??? maybe he diidnt know what to say to you either. I bet he has it in the back of his mind that there might be a chance to get back with you, because chances are you werent very articulate or specific in why you wanted out anyway. it seems to me that you need to be either in or out, and when you decide to get out, stay out. hanging out with ex's while dating someone else always leaves suspicions to your present SO, and seems in some ways disrespectful. (this doesnt include ex's with kids--you have to keep a cordial relationship for their sake). just my opinion.
Chenault Posted December 4, 2004 Posted December 4, 2004 Well, it wasn't working because I was lucky to see him once a week and we live ten minutes from each other. We were together for over a year - and I never met his friends. He just didn't seem to be into it. That gets frustrating after awhile. It starts to make you think that maybe your just a booty-call. We had talked about a couple of times and I got nowhere - I got "I don't know". And when I told him that "I couldn't do this anymore" he didn't even put up a fight. It was like he didn't want me to love him. And I did - very much. I told him that too. I didn't expect him to call back. He hadn't returned my calls before so when he actually did, yeah, I panicked, think what you will about that. I had every intention of returning the call - he just got there first. And as for mind games, I don't really see how I've played mind games. I've called. That's it. How is that a mind game?? You seem to think that I'm some harsh, cruel soul who wants the best of both worlds. Not so. I'm just a confused woman in love with a confusing man. Even he himself has said that he's hard to be with. So please don't judge quite so quickly.
dangler Posted December 5, 2004 Posted December 5, 2004 well, if you didn't see him but about once a week, then he doesn't seem to have changed much. why are you worried about being friends with him anyway?? if he didn't care about spending time with you before, why should he be worried about it under a "friend" status??? maybe the best thing is for you to stick to YOUR rule and just move on, instead of worrying about his past inclinations to remain friends with ex's. Your gut was telling you that he wasn't meeting the emotional needs that you required, and you probably reacted correctly. If he didn't care then, why should you care now??? You have called him several times and sent him a card, etc. Then you seek advice here on how to seek him out to see if he hates you, the correct wording, etc. thats what i mean by mind games. i don't think you are some cruel harsh woman, just that when you make this sort of decision, and you have discussed it with him with little response or concern on his part, just stick with it. I have been in your same shoes recently----no attention or time spent with a LDR (so talk about lack of time together), and then she seemed to keep putting things off and not wanting to discuss things. the only difference was that she crapped a cinder block when i ended it and then acted like the victim. I guess she was use to being the dumper rather than the dumpee. some people always crap in their own nest and then constantly bitch about the stink. it was hard at first, but now i am glad its over because you cant expect them to change. I know how it is to be a giver, and dealing mainly with a taker---after awhile you get resentful and feel used. just figure out what you want and then go get it instead of pining over this guy. if he doesn't want to play, get a new game. I'm glad you called him back--i guess i'm just different when i want to communicate with someone. when i spur a horse, i am ready for him to buck ahead of time, instead of figuring it out when it happens. good luck
lindsay Posted December 29, 2004 Posted December 29, 2004 You wanted to breakup and now you miss him! I can sort o understand your reasons but maybe you should think before you dump someone. How do you think it feels to be dumped. f course he said he wanted to be friends he was probably hoping you would eventualy get back with him. If I were him I would be really angry and hurt with you. So if he doesn't want to talk then deal with it and think about the consequences of your actions.
Chenault Posted January 7, 2005 Posted January 7, 2005 I did think about it. Extensively. He said himself that he didn't know why he couldn't do the things he should regarding our relationship. There was no where else to go. And since he was leaving for the summer it seemed like the right thing to do. I had hoped with some time to deal with, as he called it, his "problems" that we might be able to work things out. I must admit that I resent the implication that I just dropped him with no thought to it at all. I loved him and wanted nothing more than for him to let me love him. He wouldn't, so for both our sakes I thought it was best that we not see each other at all for awhile. We weren't spending that much time together anyway - he would never make the time. Feeling like someone's once a week booty call doesn't really do much for the self-esteem, you know? That said, those of you who feel like I'm getting my just desserts will be quite happy to know that if he was looking to hurt me back, he succeeded. For your enjoyment: A couple of days before Christmas he called and asked me to hang out. I said yes and the plan was for me to call him when I got home from work and we'd catch a movie and hang out. So I called him and he didn't answer. I got the call-waiting ring until it went to voicemail. I left him a message that I was going to hop in the shower etc. I called him again an hour later and didn't leave a message. He never called me back. He, in fact, has not called me at all since then. I've left 2 messages - not angry ones either though I believe I have every right to be angry - and nothing. He has ignored me totally - just like before. My mistake for believing him when he said he wanted to remain friends. My mistake for believing that things might be different with him now. My mistake for thinking that maybe I was wrong to initiate the break-up to begin with. It's all my mistake.
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